Can he make me move out?
Can my dad make me move out ? I moved in with him 1 year and 4 months ago after he ended up in the hospital thanks to a good neighbor. He has many health problem, some of which are because of his vascular dementia and not properly caring for himself, among other such as a few strokes. I am his DPOA, Health care proxy and only son. We recently had a argument over a few things and he lost it, telling me he wants me out by the new year. I do everything for him, cooking, shop, clean, appointment management, medication management, take him to socialize daily. He's memory is extremely bad, forget things short term and I'm starting to see long term. Example: short term, made a haircut appoint on his own, 2 hours later when it was time to go he had completely forgotten it. Long term, can't remember dates, home phone, zip, or area code. He also believes he doesn't have a problem.
So I have gotten in contact with local Elderly Services and a elder law lawyer ( but she is on vacation for a week. I have been told by ES, because of the DPOA I'm legally responsible for his health and safety and can't not leave because it could be neglygents or abandonment and I could face charges. But how do I explain it to him, because I've tried many times and he doesn't believe me that I know what I'm talking about. Which is how the arguments started, he never thinks I know anything and he is always right. I'm hoping to get the lawyer here to explain it to him in hopes that he will believe someone with her clout and legal talk. I do t want to put him in the states care or a home. He has always said, "I'm not going to one of those places!" "I want to die at home." I'm trying my best to do what he wants, but he is making it hard. But my main question is can he make me leave ? And what do I do if I can't stay for my own mental health ? I have moved hours from my home town and have nobody except my girlfriend who is able to come down and stay quit often.
Normally, of course, you'd say it's his house, he says who lives in it. But this situation is not that simple. For one thing, he cannot stay safely on his own at home - he would be at risk of injury or worse. For another, from your description it sounds as if he has lost the ability to make reasoned decisions; and that means that you, as his POA, are now responsible for his welfare. Bummer!
As he doesn't agree that he needs somebody with him all the time, you can't even nominate a proxy and get either an HCA or another family member to come and stay. He wants to be left in peace, on his own, but for the sake of his own safety you cannot comply with his wishes even though you would like to.
Short term, keep out of his way as much as you can but keep your ears open for trouble. If he confronts you about leaving, tell him (calmly, not arguing) that you will make arrangements for that as soon as you can, but you have to do it in a practical way. On Monday morning call your attorney and ask about having him declared incompetent. Obviously that isn't something anybody wants to do, but the time has come for you to take charge and to do that you need to have the relevant legal authority.
Once your POA is in force, your father will no longer have the legal right to act for himself. I know how Draconian that sounds, but the good news is that your father, unlike too many people, has had the good fortune to give this exceptionally important legal power to you, a son who genuinely has his best interests and welfare at heart. From everything you have said, I feel confident that you will then look carefully at all the options that are available to him and choose the one that is the best match possible for what he wants. That doesn't mean he'll be happy, necessarily, but it does mean that your conscience can be clear. What he'd like is to be living independently and of sound mind - it's not your fault that he has lost those things and is grieving for them.
I applaud your attitude. You are getting this all right. Best of luck, please update.
POA does give you the authority to act on someone's behalf, but it is not imprisonment. You don't have to be living with someone to be meeting the obligations of the POA. A major problem that I see is that you don't have your own resources, so can't move into a nearby place. Also, I know that you worry about what would happen with your father if you weren't with him. Both you and he are in very vulnerable positions.
In this instance I would have a talk with my father that I will leave as he wants, but that the doctor says he is not able to live alone. He will either need to go into a facility or get a caregiver come in to take your place. You can also talk to his doctor about competence -- I can't predict how that will go, since doctors are often reluctant to officially state someone is incompetent. If your father is not legally incompetent, you will need to follow his wishes. If needed, you can resign the POAs. It still leaves the primary problems, but what can we do in situations like this?
My advice would be to spend the next two weeks securing your own future. Being financially dependent on an unstable man is not a good situation. I would also try to mend the relationship with Dad. Staying with him does seem the best thing at this time.
I think people on the group are probably like me in trying to figure out how to get out of the corner you're painted into. I see the biggest problem is that he wants you out and you have no money. You can always arrange for his care in some way. The trick will be finding a way to care for yourself. I really hope that you and your father can mend things and give you a chance to find your feet. Many caregivers find themselves in this situation and it is a difficult one to work through.
It may be helpful to you to contact the local Adult Protective Services (APS) to see if they can help you. It is common for dementia patients not to recognise that they need help and want to stay in their homes alone.
You have been and are making a huge sacrifice. I am glad your girlfriend is able to visit quite often. You need to think ahead about you willingness/ability to continue with caregiving. Perhaps your dad would accept hired help if he can afford it. It is better to approach such things from the point of view that you would be uncomfortable with him on his own, as opposed to insisting that he needs the help. Many resist this. He probably senses that he is losing control and is fighting it.
I think you are wise to consult an elder law lawyer. In some cases people have had to let the senior be alone until something happened to prove to them that they had to have help eg a fall, or meds mix up that took them to ER, however according to ES that leaves you vulnerable.
This time of transition is very difficult for many. Babalou's suggestion about visiting facilities is a good one. Keep in touch and let us know how it goes.
Sadly, he may end up falling, as you say. Please remember that if he ends up admitted to the hospital you insist upon rehab afterwards. You are also within your rights to say that you can no longer safely care for him.
Did you have any luck moving ahead with the POA and assessment for incompetence aspects? Until you have taken over legally, social workers will be a little bit up a gum tree because your father will be their "boss", so to speak. They still have to protect his best interests, but they won't be able to do a thing without his consent to it.
Can he make you leave? yes he can, but you cover your axx by alerting the Elder Services to his risk, you inform them in writing if you retain an attorney and seek Guardianship.
If Elder Services documents him as confused, and his MD documents his losses as well, the Court Evaluator will award Guardianship to you, but only after a complete background check, including credit records and work history.
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