Example: freezing in the winter or getting hit by a car, or causing an accident because he was wondering around near the road or trying to hitchhike. All of which we’ve caught him doing/almost doing. We can’t afford to put him in a nursing home or hire a home nurse. We make sure that he has a family member with him as often as we can throughout the day, especially while we’re gone at work. But we all still have to sleep. I love my husband dearly, and his father as well, and want to stand by their sides through this sh**storm, but am also not looking to end up in jail.
Why do you ask? - is someone alleging that you are liable? And in what sense? Do you mean someone is claiming compensation from you; or someone is holding you responsible for a death; or what?
Your father in law lives in your home, with you and your husband. So assuming he hasn't always lived with you, but moved in with you once he started to need care, your husband (first) and you (second) did accept responsibility for your FIL's welfare.
Now that he is wandering he poses a risk to himself and to others. You are aware of that risk. You are trying -
By the way, when I say "you" I mean you collectively as a family, not you yourself as an individual -
- to reduce the risk by having someone with him as much as possible.
But it's not enough, is it? You remain aware that he not only could go but actually has gone outside, unaccompanied, into dangerous situations.
You need to contact your local social services and ask for help. Set aside your fear of prosecution and concentrate on the much likelier and more present problem that your FIL is at risk of harm and needs more support than his family can provide. And also set aside your worry that the family cannot afford to pay for a nursing home - you're not required to. Your FIL will be assessed on his own merit, and if he cannot afford to pay for a safe environment then he will be entitled to financial assistance.
"It’s just that it’s his dad, so it’s his decision what we do with him."
Yes, and no. Your FIL is primarily your husband's concern - no one cares about him more, after all, I'm sure. But protection of vulnerable adults is everyone's responsibility. Do not sit on your hands just because your husband is finding it hard to make very difficult decisions. Get professional help and advice.
I remember reading where if you place a black throw rug in front of a door at night, a person with dementia will think it is a hole and will be afraid to step in front of the door to open it. No guarantee that this would work but could be worth a try to place such throw rugs at each exterior door.
Each State has this wonderful program called Medicaid [which is different from Medicare]. Call your State Medicaid office to see if your father-in-law can apply and be accepted by Medicaid. See what programs are available. With Medicaid your father-in-law can enter a nursing home and Medicaid will pay for everything. Your father-in-law may need to pay what he can such as using his social security and his pension if he has one.
How does your husband feel about having his Dad reside in a nursing home? I know for you this situation has become extremely stressful for you. There are times when our love ones need a higher level of care.
I do understand that it's overwhelming and easy to characterize something in explicit language.
Notwithstanding that, I think there's another approach, based on what I've read here and what we've done. Others have given good advice. I would also follow up on CWillie's and FF's advice and address each aspect individually.
Cf., black rug at the door, perhaps an alarm on the exterior doors to alert you when he attempts to leave, medic alert pendant....these are all actions that could be taken to address the wandering. Are there gates outside the door that could alarm if he manages to get outside to wander?
What protective measures can you take for each specific issue about which you're concerned?
But do recognize that with dementia, there will be aspects that can't be controlled or managed. It's part of the challenge and agony families go through in caring for their loved ones.
Perhaps in the future the tech firms will come up with something useful that can help, but right now, it's still the responsibility of the family to search for solutions.
I wish you luck; perhaps a family discussion would help develop alternative methods of monitoring.
It's important, as others suggested, that you and your husband seek help. Call your state's office on aging and/or senior services hotline today to start the process of getting help. And, if FIL, is a war veteran, call or visit the local Veterans Administration social services office. And don't forget, as previously suggested, to also call your state's Medicaid office. Meanwhile, the physical aids already mentioned might help, e.g. baby monitors, door alarms, black rugs in front of doors, etc.
Assisted living or memory care would be a solution.
He will walk in front of a car, trip and fall, etc.
Exhibit some behavior that would require a responsible stranger to take action.
The assumption would be that he needs greater care than he is getting.
What would have to happen before you took action?
Imagine for a moment that a family of four is driving home and the driver swerves to avoid hitting your FIL because he wandered into the road.
There comes a point where you and your husband will no longer be able to keep up with your FIL's needs. You need sleep. You need rest. You cannot be vigilant 24/7. Get your FIL qualified for Medicaid and find a nursing home. He's already a danger to himself and it's only a matter of time before he becomes a danger to someone else.