I am DPOA over mom's health and finances.
She is being too demanding of my time. I am with her between 12 and 3 every day of the week for 4 years now. I needed one (1 !!!) day to do her stock paperwork and filing today. I told her this. Just got a call @ 7:00 pm that she is lonely, blames me, and wants to move.
I am ready to put some of her money into a companion.
I am an only child.
I have two teens, and frankly, I'm sick of running ragged for everyone and entertaining her. We go to stores for no reason. I just get her out. Once she said, "I don't care if we drive around the block 10x. I need to get out."
She refuses senior center activities unless I am with her.
I am 48 and cannot work because she will threaten to sell her home if I am not at her beckon call.
She forgot I told her I would need today to do her paperwork.
Now she is yelling at me and telling me she needs to start thinking about herself.
I told her (and I regret saying it) that that is one thing she has never had a problem doing.
And it is the 11000% truth.
I'm tired, I'm pissed, and I'm wondering:
Can I get a companion to come in 1x a week to give me a break and entertain her?
What if she throws them out?
It will piss her off to no end. She only wants me.
She's threatening to sell the house and move again...... God help me.
I don't think she can, but still.
(half the time she doesn't know what month it is.)
help ?
At some point your mother is going to need more than the 3 hours you can give her. Maybe hiring in-home help is a good answer for that. Or maybe having her live where there is staff available 24 hours and monitored activities would be best.
She only wants you. Well, as my mother (and probably yours) said over and over as we grew up, we can't always have what we want. We need to make the best of what we can have.
Start by hiring a companion. Some people introduce this is a sneaky way. "My good friend's cousin needs some more work hours and I told her we'd try her out here. It is a kindness and maybe you'll like having someone around here a bit." Some people are more forthright. "I know you don't like being alone so much but I can't come over all the time. This woman is going to help us both." Do whatever you think will work.
But also start thinking ahead. What are you going to do when Mom really can't be on her own all day and all night, even with a few hours of help? Selling the house and moving might be something worth thinking hard about.
Since you are the one who is caring for her, that would make YOU the boss. If you need to supplement her care with an in-home companion then that's what you need to do and if your mom doesn't like it then you can let her know that there are things in your life that you need to take care of as well and it's either a companion a couple of times a week or you and she can begin looking at assisted living facilities. One way or another you're going to have to tend to your own life.
I know that's easier said than done but when elderly people with dementia put their foot down on accepting assistance compromises have to be made if they want to continue to stay in their home.
In the meantime while your mom is spinning her wheels on that, hire a caregiver. When you find one tell your mom when the caregiver will be there (but don't tell her too much ahead of time). It might be a good idea if you're there the first time although caregivers have experience in dealing with clients who don't want them around. Your mom won't hurt the caregiver's feelings. If you go with an agency you can tell them that your mom is less than thrilled at having someone in the home and the agency may be able to send out their sweetest, most charming caregiver. Maybe someone who's over 30 and may have some things in common with your mom. Your mom may end up loving it. It's happened before.
I know it's difficult. Guardianship is always an option but try to do this without guardianship first. It may work out and you will have saved a bundle on attorney's fees.
Your mom is losing her independence which is a) very difficult and scary to her and b) driving you nuts having to be the 'bad guy' and the one who makes all the decisions. Many elderly people live their lives kicking and screaming against change and hollering whenever they feel threatened. Be loving but firm.
Do you really think it's possible for your mom to move on her own?
See All Answers