My mom lives with me but refuse to take medication, bathe and at times refuses to eat as long as she lives with me. She has verbalized to everyone she does not want to be here. We’ve had adult protective service in the home, social workers and doctor involvement.
If she ends up in the hospital, can I refuse to bring her back home with me?
My MIL did the same thing ur Mom is doing, but she was in a rehab. She had a very bad UTI. Was in rehab to get her strength back. I don't actually know what she was told by my BIL but I think they gave her more info than needed. But the jist of the conversion was, she was going to have to transfer from Fla to a rehab in GA. After that, she would need to figure out which son she was going to live with. Because, none of her sons lived close enough for her to remain in her house. One in Miss and us in NJ. My Mil was a passive-agressive stubborn woman and if she was not going to go back to her home, she was not going anywhere. The woman literally willed herself to die. Doctor agreed. So she was put on hospice.
Your Mom is 89. She is probably tired and just wants to go. I think an honest sit down with her and her doctor would be a good idea. Even just you and her. Ask her what she wants. Why are you not taking your Meds Mom. Where do you want to go? Call a Hospice agency ask if they have someone qualified to ask Mom what SHE wants. You may find she is ready to pass on. My Mom had Dementia, but in the end, she wanted to be left alone. She didn't want to be touched or be forced to do anything. Nurses couldn't even get her out of bed.
If your our mom isn’t eating she may have already started the dying process. It can last a few years from start to finish but looking back I can see when my stepfather started it. He slept a lot, rarely ate unless badgered, didn’t communicate. Reality is they aren’t going to get better.
IF the issue is behavioral, and not physical such as infection, perhaps she suffers depression and that can be treated with medication, which may make her more amenable to accept care. Sometimes the right antidepressant or whatever can make a big difference.
But if you drop her in a nursing home chances are she will decline because it is institutionalized
I also have a mom who clearly states repeatedly that she doesn’t want to be here, and I understand her. We're waiting for admittance to to NH. As soon as we can, we’ll take her off maintenance meds. These folks have a right to not want these things, but also professionals should watch over them during that decline. My mom goes without food when not supervised, and a few weeks ago declared she will not brush her teeth anymore. Bathing is touch and go, I’ve bought no-rinse bathing wipes and she said she’ll use them periodically.
Nature brings such indignity at this point. Where we’re at, let’s get them moving toward their wishes as smoothly as we can. God bless her and you.
She may have new medical problems. There may be something causing food to taste different, or making her otherwise nauseous. Could she have a UTI?
Usually in in the hospital they push everyone toward nursing homes at discharge. That is the American cultural norm. You don’t even have to ask or answer questions. They will tell you automatically that your mom should be in a NH.
And you don't want to feel responsible for having allowed her to waste away and die.
I deeply sympathise.
If your mother were in reasonable health but depressed about her age, then a spell in hospital and rehab might well perk her up and she could enjoy a good quality of life again. But that's not the case. She is very ill with a chronic disease, she's already blind in one eye, and the brain hypoxia can only go one way. Your mother's outlook is not a good one, wherever she is looked after.
You say you are afraid that she will get so sick that eventually the doctors will be able to do nothing for her. But... dear loving child, with hugs to you, that IS going to happen. And it won't be your or anybody else's fault.
When my mother was at a similar stage, after a lot of denial and futile struggling I eventually realised that if she was not in pain and not afraid, that was good. We know that our very sick elders are not going to get better. What we have to aim for is a soft, gentle landing.
If your mother is not already being treated for depression, it would be worth asking her doctors to consider that. Depression would fit with her other conditions, and can be alleviated.
If she is already being treated for depression, and in fact that's one of the meds she won't take; and seeing that she is still considered competent to make her own decisions; how would you feel about trying to accept the choice she's expressing? Have you discussed that possibility with her doctors and care team?
However, placement is not my biggest concern here. It her health. I am being told be told because she is still mentally capable of make her own decisions, I can not force her to eat, wash nor take her meds.
With that all being said, she in essence is making her health decline rapidly and if she does end up in the hospital and gets healthy, I don’t want to bring her home and she decides to do this again.
Im afraid, she ultimately get so sick doctors will not be able to bring her back.
Shes 89 blind in one eye, has CHF and brain hypoxia.
If she doesn't want to be there, have these agencies suggested any options. Really, thats what they are there for.
Where I live, rehabs and LTC are together just different sections. So if Mom is in the hospital and is sent to rehab this is where u ask for an evaluation for LTC. If they say she meets the criteria, have her transferred to the LTC section or find a LTC facility. If Mom has no assets and income is just SS and some sm pension, then apply for medicaid. Otherwise, any assets she has needs to be spent down. Then Medicaid can be applied for.
You can also file for Medicaid for her and find a facility.