I can no longer care or live with my grandmother. Can I put her in memory care if she doesn't want to go?

Goodness, you're in a complicated situation. All my first FABULOUS :)) ideas fell completely flat once I read your question and your profile properly.

It went like this:
she's your grandmother, where's your mother/father? - oh I see.
strictly speaking she's still not your problem - oh I see, you've got DPOA.
what on earth possessed you to accept POA? - oh I see, she raised you.

Phewf. Well, you've got to do something; this can't go on.

How old are the children? - but whatever their ages, whether they're tiny tots or already at school, they still need your time and attention; and if you're only 30 they can't be old enough to support you in any kind of caregiving. They have to come first.

Are you and the children living in her house or is she living in yours? It makes a difference: if it's her home, kicking her out of it feels harsher than her "tenancy" in your home coming to an end. There'd be a different emotional impact on her, too. And then of course there's the question of ownership - is that house her asset or yours? If it's hers, that'll fund her care ok but where are you and the children going to go? If it's yours, how is her care going to be paid for? (See advice above) But these are logistical and emotional issues - they don't change the basic point.

There are only 24 hours in the day, and there is only one of you. It is literally impossible for you to give both your children and your grandmother the time and care they need from you. Therefore it becomes a question of priorities. There is a good alternative to home care available for your grandmother. There is no such alternative for your children. Really, you have no choice.

Can you move her to a memory care facility without her consent? If she no longer has the mental capacity to make rational decisions about her own best interests, then as DPOA - yes, you can. And if, technically, she does still have sufficient capacity, she won't have for long - in which case you can either persuade her, with increasing firmness, or wait it out.

You are going to feel like crap about it. There is no way round that. But you have no choice.

These are your arguments for placing your grandmother:
• she has dementia, which can only worsen. The sooner she is moved to a memory care unit, the better her chances of establishing a good quality of life there.
• she is unable to care for herself, and you are unable to provide the level and quality of care she needs, and she cannot afford to pay for professional care at home, even if it were necessarily the better option, which, depending on how good the MCU is, is highly arguable. Home care cannot compete with a well-timed move to a good MCU where the expertise, level of stimulation and environment are specifically focused on dementia care.
• as her DPOA, having assessed all the options, you judge that the MCU would be in her best interests in both the short and the longer term.

These are the arguments against:
• you will feel like a treacherous rat.
• er, that's it.

But. Choose your unit carefully, visit often, take the children with you, explain your decision (patiently and repeatedly), show loving care to your grandmother, build good relationships with her care team… there is a whole array of things you can do that will continue to improve her quality of life and, therefore, make you feel less bad.

Placing her in a memory care unit isn't just the best option, it's the only one you have. Anything else would be disastrous, potentially for her, almost certainly for your young children, definitely for you. Does it sound selfish that the only person who will definitely suffer is you? It isn't. The welfare and happiness of your grandmother and your children depend on your wellbeing, that's why. If you fall apart, so do they.

Since you've got to do it sooner or later, sooner is better. Make your plan.

Ask her doctor if you can at least get respite care. If she has been declared incompetent and your DPOA is kicked in, start looking at facilities for her. If she has the funds for it, good. If she needs Medicaid to pay for it, the missing $60K may be a problem. Medicaid looks at all finances for the previous five years. If she gave money away as far back as 2009, Medicaid will not pay.

You cannot just put somebody into a facility against their wiil. They have to be declared incompetent first. If your grandmother is incompetent and can be placed, where will you get the funds to pay for it? You say you and your children are living at your grandmother's house. Do you plan on continuing to live there and paying for its upkeep? Does your grandmother have medicaid? Her assets may be too much to qualify. There is a lot to consider before placing your grandmother. Countrymouse has given you excellent advice and suggestions.

let the doctor say that she has to go, not you putting her in there. You have to take care of yourself and your children. Ask the doctor or NH how to convince your grandmother to go, but somehow do it. I can read the desperation in your letter. Just let grandmother that this is way it is and she "must" go. Somehow sugarcoat it. Tell her it is the doctor's decision. Some of these elders think the doctors are gods.

Depending on your state (I believe) you can "spring" the DPOA at anytime you feel appropriate. However, without guardianship ie. " "ad litem" I don't think you can place her anywhere.
Honestly, I'm not sure, but speaking with her doc is a good first step. Are there any legal counsels tat work pro bono in your area? Have you checked the law library? Usually near the district/circuit courts.
Maybe you can try the Supreme Court in your area? Sometimes the clerks there can direct you in a fashion that could help.

Good luck!

Abandon her to the state and let them deal with it. That's what I had to do. It sounds worse than it is. You can still see your grandmother as much as you like, but you don't have to live with her 24/7. Nobody, no state, can force anyone to care for another if they don't want to. Nobody, no state, can force you to keep someone in your home against your will. Call 911, have them come get her and refuse to pick her up. The state will make sure she goes into a nice place with professionals. You visit, she's taken care of, you have a life again.