I lost my father in December and now lost my mother last week. Both parents were in their 90s. I am an only child. I think I had a rather conflicted relationship with my mother. My parents came to live with me three years ago. Their decline was one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with. I think my mother's illness made it difficult for me to deal with her. She was demanding, critical, and at times I thought she hated me. It seemed that I was never able to do anything right. I started to detach from her so that I would not get upset. But I feel that being detached and clinical in my relationship with her made me feel nothing. She passed away last week. I was devastated. I just can't believe that she is gone. I don't understand my feeling that she just disappeared like she was never there.
I mourn the parents that I knew before their terrible illnesses. The last three years have been dark, painful, and lonely. There was always a crisis, and I was always dealing with negativity and anger. I feel like I tried to do my best and get them the help they needed. But toward the end of my mother's life the one that failed to hear my cry for help was her doctor who did not return my call until after I took my mother to the emergency room. There, the staff didn't find anything and sent her back home and into hospice care. She was in hospice care two days before she died.
I don't think I could have done things differently. Has anyone else had the experience of detaching from a parent and feeling numb?
For you, detaching was the coping mechanism that worked. You had to separate these sick parents now from those healthy parents then.
I'm a big proponent of therapy. You're dealing with grief and some complicated emotions. A therapist can really help you unwind yourself from self doubt and recrimination.
You did your best to shepherd your parents through the end of their lives. They are lucky to have had you there and I think you are lucky to have been there, as their guide.
I am an only child too and I lost my mother (96 years old) on Friday. She was narcissistic during my life and we had a “distant” relationship. I never liked her “I’m better than you” attitude.
The only saving grace to this whole Alzheimer’s nightmare was a few months ago, when she looked at me with her little, fragile face and told me she loved me. I’d been waiting for a “real” I love you and that was as close as I was gonna get.
I grieve for the relationship we DIDN’T have but I’m also thankful because I am who I am because (or in spite) of her. She didn’t know how to be a loving mother. So I made sure I was to my son what she couldn’t be to me.
I wish her eternal rest in God’s love.
Its kinda weird to be without both parents now. I feel alone.
You did the best you could, coped the best you could and on top of it were being treated poorly on a daily basis. So your feelings are probably conflicted. Time may bring you peace, but you might want to touch base with your hospice or another in your area that has a support group, or someone you can talk to privately. You're not alone, and it may take time, but hopefully you will realize all you did and peace will be yours.
BTW, really can relate to your loss of support by the MD. My elder parents had a wonderful MD. I LIKED him, heck I LOVED him...and I told him so, which he took as the high compliment it was because I really hate the medical types. We all had a good relationship with him, he was compassionate, he understood and cared, and I knew he'd be there if something happened...until he left the medical system and went into the private sector. It seems like we have no one to lean on sometimes. Take care of yourself now.
I can totally relate to feeling a mixture of numbness, relief and little sadness too. My mom passed unexpectedly almost a month ago after a long battle with mental illness, dementia and a host of physical ailments. I grieved over the years for the mom that I wished I had. I loved her, but due to her broken mind, we too had a difficult relationship. I felt powerless many times because I couldn't "fix" what was wrong with her. No one could, not even a multitude of doctors and meds. But what brings me comfort now is knowing that her long journey of suffering has come to an end and she is finally at peace now.
It's okay to feel however you feel. Grief is a different process for everyone, and I can relate to the detachment. As mentioned, we often have to learn to detach when caring for our loved ones for our own sanity.
Hugs to you as you walk through this process. Take care of you and come back here often for support.
You lost your mother just last week, after a three year hurricane. No wonder you haven't found your emotional bearings yet. You can't even know which way up you are.
Do you know, I am coming up for my *fourth* anniversary? (And yes I do realise I really ought to be taking my leave of the forum - but! Too many important people.)
Perspective takes time, healing takes time, finding what is normal for you now takes time. You'll need a bit more than a week!
Never underestimate the resolve of the Misunderstood and Persecuted. Your actions created their strength. Just be glad most are not the vengeful type.
Break the circle of blame. A circular economy is better
I've experienced this in several ways - with the Dad I was in conflict with my entire life (sorry Dad - I was born a girl!), thought I hated but craved love from, who died when he was 55 and I only 19... We'd just started connecting - for the first time in my life - when he died, and I felt only that he'd done it to me again! I started to trust, and he tromped on me by dying!
My only sibling, my brother Kurt, and I had a conflicted relationship for a long time. My Dad's blatant preference for his son - obvious to friends and family - strongly colored but fluctuated my relationship with my brother - we became close later in life when he actually resented my Dad's attitude toward me. But, Kurt's experiences in the Army (he retired after 20 years) changed him into someone I didn't know, and when he was killed in a motorcycle accident about 10 years ago, I didn't - and probably still don't? - know how to grieve...
My Mom died a little over a year ago, and our relationship was completely different. She was my best friend, companion, ally for my entire life, and lived with me for 20+ until the last 2 1/2 when she ended up in "the System"... That said, she was also very strong, stubborn, opinionated, and could be dominating, and for most of the time I avoided confict by backing off... I'd already lost too much to chance a rift with her... During those 2 1/2 all-consuming years of fighting for her life, there were times I had to buck her will, had to tell her "no", and she didn't always react gracefully... In fact, there were a few incidents where she broke my heart! I knew deep down, though, that she wasn't really aware of how cruel she was being, that she was just striking out and afraid - something she rarely admitted - in confusion over her frankly horrid life... I'm still trying to figure out how to get myself out of the "fight mode", because there was no way I could do otherwise for her... I miss her beyond words...
BTW, your comment about you Mom's doctor's lack of empathy, interest, or understanding of your situation resonated strongly with me... I detest Mom's doctor - to this day, I detest her! She was at first also my doctor, and had no interest, understanding, or patience for my own health and condition, mentally and/or physically, while I was trying to navigate life as Mom's caretaker... (I have no siblings now, actually almost no relatives, and no kids, so Mom was "all mine" to take care of !) I actually put in a format complaint with the Clinic's director about her, and did get a new doc for myself (who I love!), but ran into roadblocks to get a change for Mom... Sadly, I ran out of time to make a meaningful change, but ironically, I managed to get her doc changed only 2 days before her death... It makes no sense, but somehow even that is a small solace...
You grieve for the parents you knew as a child and young adult.
These are the parents that raised you, took you to school, went through the first break up you had, your first prom, your first...everything
You grieve for the parents you ended up with, the sick, broken body, broken brain, the endless worry.
What would the "first" set of parents said to you if they knew what you were doing if they could see into the future? I am sure they would have said you were doing too much.
And now the last grief. You are grieving yourself, your life and maybe second guessing. And now the doubt sets in..did I do all I could...what should I have done when...why didn't I do....
Well don't do that. You did the best you could knowing what you knew at the time. You are the only one responsible for your actions you can not take on the failure of another. (the doctor that did not return a call. I
I always said that I could sleep well knowing that I did the best that I could each and every day.
Now the tough part finding a new "normal" for you. All the time that you used caring for your parents is now empty you need to fill it.
Give yourself a break, take a little vacation if possible. Even a weekend away. If you are a member of a religious group see if they have a Retreat of some sort scheduled soon. something to recharge you.
Then figure out what is right for you.
And there is NO time frame. Grief is individual. What takes 1 person a year to get over may take someone less time, or more time.
Grief
Never ends...
But it changes.
It's a passage.
Not a place to stay.
Grief is not a sign of weakness,
nor a lack of faith...
It is the price of love...
Sleep well tonight knowing you did the best you could.
What a fantastic explanation. Thanks. Helps me to understand our emotions.
Sorry that you are hurting. Sorry for the loss of your mom.
Kind of feel as you do about detachment. Like you I miss my ‘old mom’, the mom that didn’t have Parkinson’s disease. I think if we become uncomfortable with a situation we can detach, at least emotionally. So yeah, I think it’s normal. My mom has lived with me since 2005! I barely remember life before her living here. I’ve missed out on a lot!
I guess you do as you are doing now by mourning the parents you knew before their illnesses. Mourn the best parts or best moments you had with that parent. You can grieve for what you ideally would have had from your difficult parent overall or for the parent you never really had. You can send them good blessings in the afterlife if you believe in that. Then, move on by creating the best life you can for yourself.
But just because we have learned to detach ourselves from the emotional nightmare and dramatic insults doesn't mean we don't love them. It just means that we had to protect ourselves.
Have you ever heard the old saying, "you can love someone but not like them, and you can like someone without loving them?" And on that note, "you can love someone and not like their behavior." Of course, you are going to grieve over the lost of your mom, and you are going to grieve over who your parents once were than you will grieve over the loss of your dad. So really you are grieving over three different things. I think what you are feeling in normal and probably more common than what the world would want us to believe.
Because I have learn to emotional detach from my own mother doesn't mean that I don't want her to be cared for and safe or that I don't love her. But I also have to save myself. I have no idea how I will feel when she is gone, but what I do know it that I was given a hand of cards and I am playing them to the best of my ability. That is what any of us can do.
You feel the way you feel and let yourself feel it no matter if it seems wrong to others, because really what it comes down to...can you live with yourself knowing you did the best you could for your parents and for yourself. As humans I think we take on to much of the whole blaming on ourselves when really not only do we not have that kind to control, but we do the best we can. That is what I think you did.
I am very sorry for your loss. If for whatever reason you can not get past this in time Please seek professional help. Take care of yourself and give yourself time to heal. You have just came out of a three year storm.
Your answer reminds me of my husband’s mother and grandmother. My MIL was a wonderful person, giving, loving, genuine, kind, etc. Her mother was hateful, selfish, bitter, etc.
My MIL always said that most people learned what to do from their mother but she learned what NOT to do from her mother.
Anyway...at the wake and funeral she then said that she wasn’t crying because her mother was dead because their relationship was awful. She said she was crying about what could have been. Was the saddest thing for me to hear.
The shock of someone being there one minute and not the next is normal. I have felt that. It is beyond our knowing. and understanding.
I am sorry that the illnesses stole your parents from you. So you grieve that loss, and then the loss that comes at their end, and also the loss of any normal life for yourself. You have been through a lot..
Numbness is common in the first few months of grief. You lost both parents very close together. It is too huge for us to fully grasp. I think it is the body's way of self protection. I believe you will find feelings coming back in the months that come.
I lost my narc mother in December. I haven't felt numb, but relief. Our relationship was never good due to the mental illness she had. I grieved it over my lifetime.
You are very early in your grief journey. Please be gentle with yourself, It will take time for you to find your new normal. Keep posting, We are here for you.
I have read many of your posts along this journey. It is clear that you showed patience and kindness to both of your parents. Even the business-like approach you took with your mother was respectful. You kept them both safe. You did the hard work that is caregiving and, from everything I've read in your posts, you did your best.
You were a good daughter. And although I don't know you I am proud of you because of the quality of caregiver you were and the righteous human being that your parents raised you to be. You were fortunate to have been raised by your parents and your parents were fortunate to have you as their daughter.
It's hard when things stop suddenly. Allow yourself to feel. Sit with your emotions. No need to rush anything. Be gentle and kind with yourself. Dwell not on the past three years; your story with your parents is much bigger and brighter.
Peace. - NYDIL
I don't think I've ever read a more compassionate account of anyone's parents' tale than yours. You did everything that you could.
Your parents both had terminal illnesses that could not be cured. You kept them comfortable . You got them the care that was available.
You need time now to rest and heal. Please be comforted by the good memories that you have of your parents. Find a time in your and their lives when you were happy and meditate on that.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Be healed and comforted going forward.
Best regards, Barbara