I found this forum when searching for answers to my questions, and found there seems to be a community of people asking the same kinds of questions here.
I'm wondering, in general, for those adult children who are struggling in their relationships with their elderly parents, are these mostly situations where the relationship with that parent has had a rocky history, or can previously good parent/child relationships go bad when the parent gets older?
I was always very close to my parents, and their aging never changed that. What it did change was who was the parent and who was the child. I'm now in charge and my mother is the helpless one, so I have no expectations of her to behave like an adult, take care of her personal business, or do anything but try to have as pleasant a life as possible at her age with her issues.
I find it really hard to read some of the posts here by people who seem to be unable to understand that a mind with dementia is not a rational one, so expectations absolutely have to be adjusted. My mother wouldn't say "Sh*t" if she had a mouthful of it, but she's not the mother I once knew and let's just say she's stored up some colorful language in 91 years and now knows how to use it. I understand that it's the best way she has of expressing herself when she's frustrated or in pain, so I don't hassle her about it. I apologize to whomever she aimed those comments at, but they're professionals and understand as well.
The mom I knew was gone about four years ago, but I still see glimpses of her now and again. She had a wicked sense of humor, so when they surfaces, I know she's still in there. I don't worry about how she is the rest of the time. She'll always be my mother, and I know she loves me and I love her.
Relationships rarely change for the better when they weren't good to begin with -not that it can't happen but for the most part, it's more of the same just worse!
I'm glad you still see glimpses of your mom every now and then allowing you to know "she's still in there."
(Oops, missed hitting the "reply to" button!)
I think when our parents age we need to have a relationship with whoever is being offered to us and lose any expectation that the same mom or dad we used to have is available to us anymore.
Seniors without cognitive decline can push your buttons too. I’ve learned to pick my battles and not let little things bother me. In the scheme of life, what is really important....I try to frame things that way and I can let minor stuff roll off my back. I’ve had very a strained relationship with my parents, long ago and then we were on very good terms for years. Now, I’m more of their caretaker and it’s strained. Senior behavior, poor choices, selfish decisions, make it difficult for the adult children. It’s hard being a senior. I see it everyday. I see what I don’t want to do when I’m their age.
In short, yes any relationship can be strained due to various issues when caring for the elderly.
Please share any additional information that would be helpful and ask any questions to the forum and we will do our best to assist you with your needs.
Best wishes to you.