I am the POA for my mother who was recently determined by a psychiatrist incapable of making decisions and requiring 24 hour care. I have since placed her in an ALF facility. The first week and a half was positive - she seemed to be happy and relieved to not have to "worry" about these things. Enter this week and I am presuming the reality has set in for her.
She is angry and adamant about asking for all her cards and checkbooks back. ((She is currently $7K in debt with two accounts in collections and only $20K in the bank - a lot of reckless spending when she was on her own)). Clearly, it's not in her best interest to do, especially given her social security barely covers the monthly ALF expense.
Out of curiosity, if she were to get her checks - would she even be able to sign them? I am on all her bank accounts now (thank god!) designated as her POA.
While it seems like a role reversal, parent-child, it's really different than that. Advocate is more appropriate, although many times it can seem like dealing with a petulant child! A POA can be anyone, even an attorney. It doesn't have to be an adult child or other family member. POA is really a legal means for managing a person's affairs, such as finances, bill paying, signing documents, arranging medical care, etc, in their stead when they can no longer manage it. The rest, difficult as it can be sometimes, is being a caring adult child who is watching over a parent, to ensure their care and needs are met.
Absolutely do not give her checks and credit cards. POAs do not negate the fact that this is her account and won't stop them from processing any check she might write/use. In most cases, this stuff is all automated and no one really checks anymore. Even back in the day stuff would go through. If she has checks and writes them out, someone will try to cash them. Then you have to fight to reverse it! Many years ago my dad was writing out all the bills, but put 2 in the wrong envelopes. BOTH places cashed them AND the bank paid them, despite them being made out to a different company! In my case, the one and only time the company shut down for Christmas week, the credit union was closed as well. Processing still happened and imagine my surprise when I got notices in the mail for payments rejected for insufficient funds. There should have been enough, but looking at the amounts, I knew something was wrong. One was for $12,000!!! Due to divorce issues, I had a hold on phone inquiries. When I returned to work and deposited checks, the balance was less than what I put in. I called the main office and stated I know they can't provide info to me, but I don't need info, I need someone to figure out what's going on. Turns out somehow one of those "starter" check books got my account number on them. So, despite these checks belonging to someone else AND being signed by someone else, they attempted to process them. Of course I didn't have enough to cover all THEIR checks! The CU had to back out all the transactions and manually process my checks for about 3 months - what a PAIN that was!
If she *MUST* have her "things", cancel the credit cards and give them to her. For checks, they sell "play" ones online that look real. Get her those instead. If she insists on having cash, either play money, which looks very real sometimes, or a handful of $1 bills, which looks like a lot. She shouldn't need any way to pay for anything, so please don't give in with the real items!
As for her behavior, it is possible that some memory/reality has jogged something to upset her. However, sudden changes in demeanor or behavior can be due to UTIs, other infections, imbalances. If she doesn't calm down after "getting her way", I'd recommend a urine culture and blood work, to rule those out.
As noted, yes, it is hard to watch a once capable person devolve like this, but be patient. Try not to argue with her and avoid saying NO. If she demands something, tell her you'll look into it, or you're working on it and try to change the subject. We acknowledge whatever it is they want/say and then defer it, even though we know it won't happen.
Note about SS and debts to be added as a reply to this comment.
Would they find out you didn't? Maybe, maybe not. There are a few on the forum who just continued to pay the bills and skip the SS process. Honestly, it isn't that hard to do or manage once done and saves hassles down the road.
Legally you should contact SS (call the local office) and sign up as Rep Payee. You don't have to take her there - I went alone to MY local office in a different state and applied. They ask a lot of questions and then submit it. They will send notice to her as well, so if the AL can hold her mail, it will help avoid flare ups. Mom's MC took to holding anything that didn't look like a card or personal letter after handing her a bill for medication! So, the SS notice just went to me when I was visiting.
Once approved, you open a special Rep Payee account. The first payment under this will be a check, but when you have the account ready, call the local office again and request electronic deposit, giving them the new account number. Only you can access the funds. You have to report yearly, but it can be done online and isn't hard, esp since her whole check goes to the AL (I think it was lumped as housing/food.) They may question it (they did, every year, for me!) saying they have other needs - sure they do, but some have other assets!!! Plus that SS didn't even cover 1/4 of the MC cost. Just an annoyance and waste of precious SS funds! Instead of just responding yes, this is correct, I suggested they document my response (detailed) and file it for future reports. Likely would take an act of Congress, and we know how that works!
As for her debts, unless/until her funds are depleted and she goes on Medicaid, you likely need to at least pay the minimum requested. IF the collections people are reasonable (not likely), perhaps you can negotiate a smaller balance or payment. See if you can negotiate with them. I wouldn't hold my breath, but it's worth a try. When she's out of funds and goes to Medicaid, then they can eat it. YOU don't owe ANY of it and should NEVER pay with your funds, only hers, so long as you were not a signatory on the debts.
Last note - she may be the youngest there, but when my mother moved into MC 5 years ago, there were several women who were younger than me! They weren't even early SS age. There was a judge who was mid-70s. Age isn't really the deciding factor. I feel bad for ALL of them, but felt especially bad for those young women - it's like having many years taken off your life span. My mother had a good long run - she was just over 90 when dementia crept in.
So, chin up. Hang in there. If you need to vent or have questions, this is the place to come! If it's medical or legal issues, you should consult with proper authorities, but sometimes some of us can at least guide you to the right place!
Who does she want to write checks to? What does she plan to do with the cards? If it's just for a sense of security, to keep them in her purse, you can always cancel the cards, stop the checks, and let her have them. You just need to be very sure she won't attempt to use them in earnest to pay for anything.
If you have a regular POA most likely everyone is letting you do whatever you need because they don't care about the technicality of her being declared incapable of making decisions. You could run into a situation where this technicality matters though, and it is better to have guardianship or Durable POA ahead of time before that speed bump arises.
God bless you. This is really SO hard, especially when they get adversarial. On one hand you feel for them and empathize, on the other hand you get upset they are making things hard and being unreasonable. I ask God to give me strength and he continues to grant it. May He do the same for you!
A fiduciary (that's you, as her POA) must make sure this never happens.
Technically, since you're on the account, too, you could drain it, close it, and open one in your name only with the funds. However, that's probably not the thing to do if Medicaid might get involved someday. (I'm not a Medicaid expert.)
The most practical thing to do is to get all that stuff away from her, but the bank needs to have it in writing as to what their responsibilities are here, too.
Could you get some faked checks made up, let your mom sign them and tell her you will take them to be mailed? Sometimes deception is kindly.
to me is also valid. I know me taking control is the right thing and I just need to accept that she’s not
going to be happy about it. No different than when I tell my son no to candy because it’s what’s best for him.
You, as POA, are to make decisions and do for her as she would have done while in excellent mental and physical health. (I always tried to ask myself “if my mom could see herself as she is right now, what would she do?” She filled out paperwork with her will and I read through that often to remind myself what she wanted and to help me be strong in doing what I know she would have wanted-that’s why she made me POA.)
Keeping her money & things secure and having the best care possible is you doing your part for what she NEEDS.
Basically I took over managing her finances. I keep all her checks and there is one debit card: I had the bank cancel the old one and issue a new one (I never use it because I want a paper trail). Eventually she stopped caring about her money as her dementia worsened. In the beginning I felt this constant “guilt” because somehow I had to be so hard hearted about the situation for her own good. After spending a few months straightening out her big financial mess, I soon recognized I was keeping her money safe.
My mom was the same with her checkbook. There was old checks in the house so I gave those to get and she was pacified by that. My mom was always looking for her purse, I got it out of her closet, put a wallet with old cards and checkbook in it. Problem solved.
I’m unfamiliar with not being able to make a decision being a reason someone needs 24 hour care but I can relate as my MIL would not make a decision to pay the utilities when my FIL was in the hospital. She knew what she wanted to eat, wear, how to do her hair and makeup but anything slightly out of her purview was a no go. She couldn’t even decide who should help her write the checks…..
I'm not even sure your POA precludes her from signing her checks; the POA designation gives you the authority to sign for her following her wishes. Using my POA I can sign for my dad as a convenience to both of us but he also can also legally sign things himself.
I know it's hard to have to be the bad guy and have her demand that you return her cards and checks but I think you have to come up with some excuses and keep putting her off until this demand dies down. Tell her the cards were cancelled because of the bills that are due and tell her that you forgot and left the checkbook at home and will try to remember to bring it next time. And keep telling her this over and over until she stops asking.