It has become very clear that my dad's needs are bottomless and far beyond my capacity. I have serious worries about my sanity and mental health from this situation. His assisted living place is happy to take his money but does nothing to engage him. They'll give him meds 3 times a-day and he gets housekeeping once a week. But when I walk in there's always diarrhea on the floor or in the shower, and open food containers all over the counters. His fingernails are super long and nobody cuts them except for me. I'm tired of worrying about him and wondering why I thought assisted living would make things easier when it's made it hellish. He gets sick because he eats spoiled food. He was isolated in the hospital and his apartment for 10 days due to covid and his mental health really suffered. Since he's already got parkinson's that's a huge challenge, and he's got metastasized prostate cancer, is 94, can't hear anymore and his vision is bad. The ALF doesn’t seem to have the staff to help with other things that he needs, or to even notice that he might need more. It's always something: the main nurse is on vacation or the building superintendent is on vacation and can't fix the broken whatever....How can I get someone else in there to help? Would it be a social worker, engagement specialist, another house cleaner,... and would his private insurance pay for it. I am fed up with his ALF. His air conditioning has been broken for nearly 3 months, the whole time hes lived there, and it's always almost 80ﾟIn his apartment. They are trying to fix it but having a hard time getting a replacement that fits. I passed the end of my rope a long time ago, I can't even begin to type all the other crises that have been going on in the family. But suffice it to say those family members are not able to really help with this problem. They do what they can around their own crises. Sorry for typos this is a bad keyboard.
1. Patient needs to be formally reassessed for present decline and potential higher skilled care needs than ALF provides. It sounds like he may well have declined beyond ALF .
2. The ALF administration and corporate ,if needed , should be contacted re what you are experiencing from the ALF conditions. Attend patient care planning meetings, you should be notified about these. Schedule a 1:1 meeting ASAP with administration/ supervisors.
3. Your own self care needs ....
" Caregiver exhaustion" is a real diagnosis.....
See your physician, exercise ( simple outdoor walks etc), stay hydrated with water, eat well, get support from your local clergy and, or other caregiver support systems in your community, monitor your rest and, follow up on getting help needed for your father...
You might could also have him assessed for hospice appropriateness..... this will add several other skill sets seeing him each week and support for you ,. if he is indeed deemed hospice appropriate.
Peace....
Best regards,
After years of caring for them at home they moved to memory care. Dad is still “ with it” but wanted to be with Mom. The place they live is absolutely lovely but my folks also have endless needs as you say.
I was blessed to find two woman that alternate to go in and take care of their needs. They take care of all those extra needs plus companionship for Dad.
I live out of state so that saves me so much worry.
I agree with the other posters on changing facilities but once you do, get outside help.
I believe he would qualify for a nursing facility with Hospice. Please call Adult Protective Services to get a more suitable placement and please ask the Health Dept. to visit the facility for hazmat issues.
As I said in a previous post--I repeat, Assisted Living is real estate.
Everything is a la carte, out-of-pocket. You basically get a room, studio
type apartment, fancy le foyer, good meals, usually after the 3rd day the
senior wants oatmeal and maybe a grilled cheese.
They are not government regulated and you have to check the ratio of RN
to how many elderly residences live at the facility. For example, if there are 65
seniors up there in age, what are the chances that a few with take sick at the same time and the the RN's assistance? It's pretty high.
The brochures always look lovely and yes we will treat your loved one like family--until their $$$ goes.
(What I did / do).
Be sure to have in writing what the AL facility offers and is required to do.
Speak to facility administrator (as needed, personally, I would also notify by email some / all of the board of directors). Hold them all accountable.
* Ask administrator what procedures are for you to hire personal care / giver. Be SURE that facility isn't slacking off (more) due to another outside agency being paid to do the work this facility is supposed to do.
* Get everything in writing.
* document everthing: take photos, keep a journal of your visits and observations.
* contact your local Ombudsman - work with him/her, i.e., send your photos and notes for their records.
* Find out who is the reporting agency (and person) for the licensing board of these facilities.
* Hold facility administrator(s) / management accountable. Call and send them emails - regularly noting your concerns.
* Consider if another facility is possible (financially and otherwise). Do research to see if it is actually better.
* Have friends / others visit your dad to check and see what's going on - report back to you for your records.
FYI: I've been doing this for 8 months now ... for my friend in a nursing home. Most in a nursing home cannot / do not speak up for themselves. It is up to us to report and hold facility management accountable.
Gena Galenski
Touch Matters
from the Internet:
How do I report an assisted living facility:
Who do I contact? Some facilities, such as nursing homes and assisted living facilities, are regulated by the Department of Social and Health Services (DSHS). You can file a complaint with DSHS by calling 800-562-6078.
At my mother’s MC, I have signed her up for manicures, via their on-site salon. That happens once a month. Same with haircuts, every six weeks. Mom pays for those.
The podiatrist comes once every six weeks. That is paid for by Medicare.
My mother was in a similar situation, and I had to move her to a nursing home. Of course, she didn't want to go but went for respite care and stayed. She is by far better cared for as they can deal with her higher level of care needs. She knows everyone who cares for her, gets more interaction and is healthier than ever.
If you don't want to move him, hire someone but his needs would better met elsewhere.
Hopefully this will enable your stress to come down. Fill your new time with something you like to do or something new. A peaceful walk, YouTube yoga, dance on your own at home.
Add in some self-care 🤗
I've yet to hear of an AL that won't allow an outside caregiver to be hired at YOUR expense, but that won't solve the issues this AL is having, like the AC not being replaced, etc. You'll be spending a lot of $$$ and still have the same issues to deal with, it seems to me. Your dad needs a different level of care at a different facility, instead of a private CG in a place that's very poorly run, imo.
I hope you can find a better fit for your dad, placement wise. Wishing you the best of luck with all you have to deal with.
Its illegal for aides and nurses to cut fingernails or toenails. Medicare pays for a Podiatrist to cut toenails every 10 wks. My Moms doctor went to her AL to do hers. LTC facilities have a Podiatrist come in. So when it comes to fingernails, you may always have to do them.
Nursing Home nurse cut fingernails for my friend. She didn't clean them though. Check out requirements for the state you are needing the service.
My Dad was able to bring his home caregiver with him when he moved to senior living, but first she needed to be vetted by the facility, even though her employer was a caregiving agency. The facility also needed proof she has had her flu shot and now a days, probably would also require covid shots/boosters.
As for the broken air conditioner, that is uncalled for. Your Dad is paying rent to the landlord [the senior facility] and such items should be repaired in a reasonable time frame. Three months is not reasonable, neither would one month or two weeks. If parts are hard to get, that tells me the HVAC units in that facility have run their course, and new units need to be installed.
All in all, as others on the forum had mentioned, sounds like it is time for your Dad to find a place in a Nursing Home, as he now needs a larger village to take care of him.
His needs have changed -- he needs more help during the day. In your earlier posts you also noted that he is well off financially. Can he hire add'l caregivers if he insists that he won't go to a higher level of care?
Are you his POA/HCPOA? Is he still considered legally able to make his own decisions?
But if all day/most day support is required for meds, meals, mobilising I'd have to agree with the comments already. Dad's needs outstrip what this AL can provide.
The main concerns are open/old/spoiled food? Sounds like the containers are too hard for him to manage.
This could be trouble with lids, trouble with eyesight seeing use by date, or planning processing problems.
He may now need full meal service. An OT could advise you. But with cancer too, you may be looking at comfort care quicker that you planned.
Moving him as he gets frailer may be needed.. or maybe it would benefit him to stay put but add extra services. Having a good chat about what's important to him may help you choose the way.
You are a wonderful advocate & Dad is lucky to have you.