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My mom has just started to use depends but it seems that she cannot figure on how to sit on the toilet any more. She has gone on the floor, waste basket, etc. What do u do when she can't figure how to use the toilet or forget where it is? And she refuses to use depends? This just started. What's happening?:(

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Take away all her panties and replace them with disposables, get the kind that look and fit more like underwear. And you might have to start helping her in the bathroom.
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I do help her but it takes like 10 to 15 minutes to sit down. She doesn't trust me when I tell her to sit down. She just keeps shuffling. It exhausting. I will look for the ones that look like underwear.
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You might want to get a toilet safety frame. It will give her something to hold on to and she may feel less afraid of missing the seat with arms on each side of the toilet.
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You gently sit her down and hold her hands and talk to her, just as you did with potty training. And you clean her up.
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I try to talk to her but she keeps talking about how everything has to go down there and she points to the pant and then she talks how it goes into the floor. With potty training you can capture a child's attention with just talking to them butt with your 93 year old mother who does not want to be wrong and tells you that her going in her pants is my fault because I got her the depends is a little hard to smile through as you are trying to get her changed. But I keep trying knowing that some day all this will have an end and as she goes along in her final chapters of life. So sad it has to end like this. What a horrible way to go out of this world. All the things she did in life and this is what it comes down too.
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You are right, onlyacaregiver, this is not really like potty-training a toddler. With a toddler you can be certain that eventually they are going to get it. Their learning ability and cognitive skills are getting better and better. They want to please you. It might be a struggle for a while, but you are assured of success. Your mom's cognitive skills and ability to understand are getting worse and worse. She may not be predisposed to want to please you.

So very sad that it is ending like this! Do everything you can to help Mom keep some dignity and to know that you love her no matter what.
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Also, not like a toddler because an older person is heavier than a toddler and we are a lot older. We were told my mom in the nursing home once even opened her dirty diaper in bed and made a mess.
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Onlyacaregiver from an elders point of view (without dementia but with physical limitations) I have become fearful of trusting anything I cant see behind me like sitting on a chair someone pulls out to assist me or stepping down off a step. I just have to look before I make that move. I wonder if putting a mirror in front of the toilet might be helpful. Haven't tried it but that just occurred to me. I do have my commode frame over the toilet to help me get up but am still reluctant to sit down until I feel the seat behind my legs.
My sister in law once said to me when I was late toilet training my children that eventually they will do it themselves. Yes thats true but does not apply to a demented elder.
There is no light at the end of the tunnel for caregivers, you just have to bring your own flashlight!
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onlyacaregiver - I have the same problem with my Mom. She has such a hard time getting into the bathroom and by the time she gets to the toilet and sits down its too late sometimes. She has horrible time walking and I have to hold her arm and guide her into the bathroom and hold onto her till she gets to the toilet but I do have a raised toilet seat with handles that seems to help her be able to lower herself down on her own but I do have to stand right there to be able to grab her in case she loses her balance. But sometimes she starts taking her depends off when she walks in to the bathroom and almost goes to sit where there is no toilet. She does this in the kitchen as well when I bring her in for her meals. She will go to seat where the chair is not even near her. Its so exhausting. You always have to be there to avoid them falling. I basically hold on to my mom by myself every move she makes in my home and physically have to put her into bed every night. makes it very hard to be able to go anywhere unless she is in bed and I know she won't attempt to get out.
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I think it must be worse when the caregiver is toileting her father. My daughter was in this position with her father, my ex-husband. She is so glad he is now in a nursing home with a "sitter" 10 hrs a day. I don't know what they will do if he outlasts his money, which at this rate will be gone in 6 years. His physical health is good, he just has dementia.
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You need additional help from a trained nurse, coming to your home, who can show you what to do, how to anticipate and how to support your mother. Especially how to manage her weight (old people can get extraordinarily dense and heavy for their height). Save up for two or three sessions with a private nurse and tell your doctor you need someone who can train you. This nurse might also be in a good position to advise you when to take your mother to residential care, even if just for a couple of weeks to give you a break.
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My husband has physical limitations along with dementia. I have the railing around the toilet,which is needed to get him up and down. What I have found is helpful (he usually doesn't know when he has to go) is to have a set time for bathroom trips. He may say he doesn't have to go but I tell him to try anyway. 9 out of 10 times he goes. He has to be prompted on what to do to sit and get up. Yes, he gets agitated at times not making this easy but you do what you have to do to keep them safe. Even if it means cleaning up some gagging messes because he wouldn't sit down.
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I like the idea about getting some professional guidance, but, if she's not able to handle toileting on her own, I'd just focus on complete supervision. Like supervising her as she puts on her disposal underwear. And she has no other options. And I have read that adult onesies that snap in the back will prevent the person from being able to take their underwear off, so, you can attend to her soiled or wet underwear, when it's necessary and when you are in the right location. That, plus securing the bathroom doors so she can't go in there without you, and setting a schedule of when you take her in there and place her on the toilet. The support of the rails might make her feel more secure. It sure sounds exhausting, but, what other options are there? It's likely she is not going to get more adapt at this.
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I have to help my mother to the commode, I've given up on the toilet. I even have to wipe her. Safer for her and more room in her bedroom for me to help. I'm very blessed that she is usually obedient and trusts me.
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Yes I would agree with Komentaightor have a Nurse come for a day to show You the procedure in helping and supporting Your Mom in toileting. Also the frame around the toilet is very essential for an Elder with the extension seat that raises the toilet to a more comfortable height for Our Elders. Onlycaregiver You could ring Your local Public Health Nurse to get these necessaries arranged, also request Restbite Care for Your Mom also as it will give You a much needed break when You kneed it,
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Dementia will eventually get the the part of the brain that controls breathing and the heart. If they haven't passed before this they will then.
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Depends has a pull up pant. My Mom actually liked them when the rehab had her use them. I find I like the Walgreen brand. Couple of dollars cheaper and they have coupons and buy one get the second for half price. They do start having problems toileting. I had Mom calling me when she had to go. If she went on her own, she created a mess. And yes, don't allow her to clean herself. She could end up with a UTI. I use buggy baby wipes because they are bigger and thicker than the ones for ladies.
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i had some same things happen with my mom...we started slow with putting heavy period pads in her underpants...we talked about it daily...remember, its not her fault..her demenia is getting the best of her!I then said heres a new type of underpants.. and put most of her others away...ask lots of questions to her...dont they feel nice?and are they too tight..etc...she will tell you whats wrong... if you think hard on why she doesn't like them.. i found my mom didnt like the waist ..we got the newest lightweight ones...and she settled for those.. .also put a sign over the toilet...sit here...and signs pointing where to sit..that should help some
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i also had same thing with my 93 yr.old mom...i sat her down wirh a walker in front and spent lots of time sitting there on the floor...i even read to her and showed her picture books...she loved that
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Are you sure that she isn't just waiting too long to get to the toilet? I ask because I was like SMH-"why am I wiping up poop off the bathroom floor and toilet every day when I get up after having to move in with my late mother?" Then I realized 3 things-- #1 she had lost her olfactory sense, #2 she had low vision (that I knew) and #3 she simply waited too long to get into the bathroom and dribbled on the bathroom floor and toilet before actually sitting on it! She had a shower seat and OMG-she used that as a toilet, too. I was appalled when I saw a large pile of poop on the shower seat.
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You can use a commode over the toilet which is more stable than the arms u attach to the toilet. With the commode you take off the bar on the back. You adjust the legs so the person doesn't have far to sit. You can get what is called a "splash guard" where u would put the bucket. The guard goes down into the toilet. Keeps things clean. With a brand new commode the bucket and splash guard should be with the commode. This gives Mom more stability.
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JoAnn: Yes, good point. Many elders actually do think ahead when they're in their 70's and install a higher toilet. It is oftentimes too hard for an elder to use a standard toilet because they have a difficult time arising from one after they are done.
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Sorry to say but this is part of disease progression in Alzheimer's, dementia and any memory impairments. Think about all the stuff to do when we get a bathroom call, a lot, now imagine being memory impaired and trying to remember the how to, what do I do and where. Get your mom transitioned to the depends, the pull ups the closest to the regular panties. This may take patience and time but will be easier for her and you, it is sad so don't dwell on this. With my brother with ALZ, I had to hold my ground with the depends, it was a challenge, they got hidden and thrown at me. Your mom may be scared to sit, so, the side bars to hold onto may work or the toddler approach. Eventually the depends will be used all the time. As the doctor said, "Incontenence is not occasionally, it gets worse." He was right again. As a caregiver your tasks will now increase big time. Repetition and routine will be a necessity, promptness helps with the messy tasks to avoid embarrassment and emotions. Your instincts do take over. My brother will pace around, maybe go into the bathroom, fuss with his clothes, I see his need, but hear more no than yes these days and will not accept any assistance from me. For so many caregivers this task can be a game changer. We want to help, but, may be unable to for reasons beyond our control. What happened to my tough, independent, brother? Wasn't suppose to.
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It is not a matter of waiting too long before heading to the bathroom. It is a matter of the brain not processing the signal from the bladder or bowels in time. No amount of coaching is going to improve that. But a regular toileting schedule can help.
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Jeannie Gibbs good suggestion. I did attempt the bathroom suggestions, so did experienced help, it was still a challenge and worked for a short time for my brother. The depends are doing their job more so these days, with ALZ it seems that things do connect at times, go figure? The #1 in the bowl, #2 depends at least off, rolled up somewhere. Hate this disease!
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