My dad is 96, limited eyesight, doesn't like TV, or reading. He's ADHD and I can't fill his day with enough activities. HELP.

Could he dictate his memoirs of his life in the military? Is there a local VA hospital that might have special vet programs?

Ho - you haven't said what I can dish in has cause your father's vision problems, so I'm going to surmise that whatever it is, it isn't correctable and it will continue to deteriorate. All else I write here is based on that assumption.

Sometime in the near future, your dad will not be able to see at all and will not continue to be home alone. When? Maybe his ophthalmologist could predict that for you. Considering his bent for independence, it seems to me that you will need to have someone living with him full time at that point if he is to remain at home.

Looking ahead, he may very well need to be in a nursing home or skilled nursing facility. If he owns his own home and you want to protect that from the MedicAid 5 year lookback, having a family member live with him for 2 years to prevent the need for him going to a nursing home would most likely allow you to conserve his home and not have the system take it for his expenses. You would have to see a Medicaid knowledgeable eldercare attorney to make sure it is setup correctly, and you would have to have doctors certify that he shouldn't be living alone (which kind of seems like a no brainer, except for your father's belief that he's OK by himself), and I'm thinking maybe your 19 year old may be willing to take on that task.

How many bedrooms does your father's home have? You could put your 19 year old in one bedroom and another caregiver you find in an additional bedroom, someone who does live in care whom you find through the Department of Aging or maybe even through one of the churches your father attends.

Now, how would you get your father to go along with this? The answer seems so simple to me, as an outsider looking in, that your father is the kind of person who will bend over backwards to help someone else. If he believed that your 19 year old and another person from the church really badly needed housing, your dad may be super inclined to assist. Of course your child and the caregiver (who COULD be someone who needs a roof over his/her head, and may be willing to assist your dad just for room and board) would be "IN ON" what was up with your dad but never ever reveal it to him. Your dad's grand child living with him for 2 years would satisfy the home protection requirement and the other person, the caregiver if you will, would basically take all the pressure of the 19-year-old, who would just more or less be supervising the care. But between the two of them and their needs, they could keep your dad relatively busy why your dad could be thinking he's doing them a service as well as doing it needed things for them as long as he can.

Now, I can hear that you may already be saying to yourself that this is not ethical to lie to your father. ln my own case, having been a direct or indirect caregiver to 9 family members or friends, 8 with different forms of dementia and one with me Gehrig's disease, I can tell you that I and other members of this forum find that we often must fib to our loved ones for their own good, due to their stubbornness, their inability to appropriately assess their condition, or a myriad of other reasons. This goes by a variety of names, I call it therapeutic lying. You can google it and you will find how often it is used in care taking patients, just out of sheer need to care take them safely.

I would also add that after 40+ years in volunteer animal welfare work, this does not seem do you need to be an appropriate time or place for a dog. Unless the dog is a seeing eye dog, there will be problems and the likelihood of placing such a dog with a 95 year old is negligible. The training is very costly and when they match a dog with a patient, they need to plan for it to go on for a number of years. If your dad were more cooperative or competent to be able to fulfil certain tasks, a regular dog might be an option. But seriously, if he can't adequately peel a potato, how could he appropriately care for a living being. I might change my mind about this if he had his grandchild and another adult living with him. Volunteers who work at shelters rehabilitating dog for placement could choose a calm, older dog that may be a perfect fit for your dad if he would even like a dog and if he has help caring for the dog. ln such a case, try to find a medium/large dog with a shortcut for easy maintenance.

My mother sounds as if she'd be a good match for him.She thrives on organization and is most happy and relaxed with schedules soooooo
I put her charge of "inventory". She keeps track of what I have in Kitchen and bathroom and what I need or will need soon.
As she enjoys the news so we always have something to discuss.If there's a big news story HOORAH! she is busy for hours and we exchange opinions throughout the day on developments (though I have explain often).
She enjoys organization so again I let her plan out cupboards of food,storage and like for greater "efficiency".
She keeps "fit" using my 3lb barbells and Wii games of bowling, golf etc.
We also also enjoy these so everyone is happy.
Cane: she will not use it.She is 93 but feels it makes her look old.
There are unobtrusive tech devices you can install that will alert you to falls in the house; mats, sensors and the like.
Reminders: again a million gadgets offering voice and/or alarms that "remind" our parents what to do or not to do when we are not around to monitor their activities.
I have 2 rescue pits.They take turns visiting with her when I am busy elsewhere in the house. It's company for her and they love the attention.I should add that they are well trained and quiet around her. One has taken his job very seriously and accompanies her around the house alerting us to any unusual situation.He clocks in for breakfast, takes break after lunch then watches TV or sits on the porch with her until dusk.He too has found a job and loves it.
She keeps track of their grooming needs, vet appts., and potty/play schedule.
In the summer we have a garden; she washes Etc.then helps bag or ready our produce for canning or freezer.It's seasonal work but it's a job.
She enjoys a trip to thrift shops as it frugal living and many items jog her memories which in turn leads to more interesting conversation for us both.
I hope this helps.

What about getting a dog? Seriously, that dog would keep him busy as nothing else would. Training, feeding, washing, walking, grooming, brushing, playing, and just being a good companion..etc... Your dad sounds awesome and needs to feel useful. A dog, even an older adult dog, rescued from the shelter, would be plenty to keep him occupied. If that isn't possible, I don't know what to tell you. The man is doing more in a day than most people his age do in a week already! Oh, and if his sight is failing, what about audio books? Let him do all that he still can, even if he doesn't do it well and you have to go behind him, or help him...like with the vegetables. This is a tough one.. maybe others will have better suggestions..

Public and state libraries often have "books by mail" programs, that can include large print and/or audiobooks -- you have to register for these special services. Another idea if there is space: Hydroponics (growing stuff indoors). Your Dad also sounds like he'd be an excellent volunteer somewhere, or even a greeter or docent perhaps organize his lifetime papers into a family archives. Genealogy can be quite absorbing and there is adaptive technology to interface with the likes of Ancestry.com. You have a different type of challenge than most of us with 90 plussers. But truly as exhausting but more in the sense of your nurturant nature wanting to keep a vibrant soul stimulated by life. To a certain extent, just like a teenager he does have to find his own relationship to life, he is relying upon you to figure things out for him with his ego's exacting requirements. I wonder if an eldercare social worker would have more ideas? Good luck with this, you are wrestling with some of life's biggest challenges and you obviously love and are rising to the occasion. Try to step back for a few minutes and see your father as a player in a movie rather than taking 100% responsibility for his psyche. I know you will do that anyway, but just try to take an objective view for seconds at a time. You may discover something you cannot see by looking.

Goodness, I can't count how many people responded with the suggestion of books on tape, when the person already said (twice) that the father wouldn't listen to them for the fear that he would fall asleep and felt that would equate to laziness! I am also low vision. I had planned to spend retirement years reading and am facing having to listen to the books instead of reading them. I fall asleep, too (also do it when reading visually) so quit suggesting it for him, already! I think if he could get a trained service dog that would be more a solution that some of you seem to think. Such a dog is trained not to be in the way, and could also go on walks and guide the man if it is trained for the visually impaired.

It sounds like your dad does get out and that you have some great support in caring for him. Friends and neighbors who pick him up and take him places. You mentioned that you take him home after dinner at 8:30 so I'm assuming that he lives alone?

And you mentioned the things that he won't do, things that he can't do. You tried the adult daycare. You tried encouraging him to paint a room and to peel vegetables, mop the floor and do the laundry. I understand that he needs to feel needed, I totally get that, my dad was the same way. But maybe having his whole day structured and full of tasks isn't possible. You've tried all kinds of ideas and none of them have worked. I'm sure you will get all kinds of suggestions here, that's what's great about this site, but if his eyesight is poor and he isn't willing to try new things I'm not sure where you go from here. I don't think he needs to be entertained all day long and even if you could find a day's worth of activities for him would he enjoy them? If your dad refuses to use a cane or a walker and his balance is iffy you have to take that into consideration too.

I wish I were more help but help's a comin'! And you!! A baby at 47!! Wow!! You really do have your hands full, don't you? Try to relax. If your dad finds himself with free time it's not the end of the world. Asking for advice here was a great idea, you'll get all kinds of suggestions but your dad doesn't have to be occupied every minute of the day. I wish I had some solid suggestions for you but between the poor eyesight and the balance issues and things he's already rejected I don't have a clue what might engage your dad. But no more ladders and leaf blowing the roof!! That's asking for trouble.

I usually agree with you, but I don't know about the dog idea, SA. A dog for someone with balance issues and poor eyesight would be a total trip hazard. Dogs and cats can really be all over you when you're walking. And what happens when the dad goes? Dogs like that are often taken back to the shelter, which isn't fair to the dog AT ALL. Only consider a dog if it's your dog for the life of the dog.

I agree that sometimes we can't make our elders 100% happy. HoTardE, your dad is very, very rigid in his outlook, which means probably nothing will make him happy. He's not happy where he is in life and you can't change that. You can't make him younger or give him his eyesight back. You can't get him to understand that he's EARNED some downtime, even though he has. My armchair psychologist self tells me that he's not really happy with the person he is. That his 'enough' is never enough, so he's always got to be doing more. But I don't know how you fix that at his age. I grew up in a military family and my dad (a retired Chief Master Sergeant) was the exact opposite of your dad. Once he retired, he liked nothing more than to sleep and relax he wanted everyone else to wait on him hand and foot. He was like Tom Sawyer, getting everyone else to whitewash the fence for him.

So I'm with Eyerishlass - you've done a LOT and you should (unlike your dad) give yourself a pat on the back, relax, and say, "Good job". You're already doing more than half of the people on this site to keep your dad happy. You don't have to do more. It's your dad's issue, not yours.

Blannie, I get what you're saying about dogs that jump around, get in the way, drag people down the street... Not good. I feel you. Yeah, maybe that's not such a great idea...

I'm stumped by this. What about an indoor garden he has to take care of? Or a Beta fish? House plants to care for?

But yeah, I agree with you, Blannie. You can't make someone happy if nothing satisfies them.... If you know you've done your best and the elderly person just isn't happy anyway, well, what can you do? They're just going to have to stay unhappy, sad to say...

I'd say at age 96 that he's doing quite well. When eyesight is limited, turn to sound.....music, books on tape, CD's with sounds of birds,waterfalls, waves, and trees rustling. Things I love to hear. Keep up the company he has. God Bless you too!