I am undergoing a severe bout of depression right now. Although my mother is alive, I miss her. She has fairly severe dementia and can't visit in the traditional sense. Sometimes, she's not sure who I am. Most visits now start immediately with her whining (I'm sorry but there's no other word for it) that we're going to leave, even if we've only been there for five minutes. She keeps this up, no matter what else is going on, like taking her around the facility to visit and get out of her room or eating a meal with her or bringing snacks like hot chocolate and donuts. Nothing makes her happy. Nothing. No matter what we do, she is anxious because we're eventually (in a couple of hours) going to leave and she doesn't like to be alone, ever. I know when I visit her, I'm going to leave feeling depressed and crazy. It takes me at least three days to recover. I can't just brush it off, or let it roll off my back--it affects me. She has forgotten we were there by the time we're in the parking lot.
So here's my dilemma--do I visit and fight my way back up from the pit, which is getting harder and harder, or do I not go? She is anxious the whole time we're there but forgets--I am anxious and disturbed to say the least, for days after. I know she's my mother and I owe her a lot--but I can't deny that these visits are slowly killing me. How do I make this right in my head?
I applied a "harm reduction" concept for myself and did what I needed to do to keep myself on an even keel. It still wasn't easy and still was very stressful being a POA daughter of a very ill mother, but it was better than the extreme stress I felt from spending more time with her, which made me ill.
It sounds like you are being made ill by the stress of frequent visits, whereas your mother who expresses unhappiness when you are there, then forgets about it immediately. Can you see yourself as a trigger for her unhappiness and her as a trigger for your stress and that both of you would be better off if you visited less often?This is the reality, not some Hallmark movie concept of what a "good daughter" should do.
Please look after yourself. Your mother is being cared for. Give yourself a break until you feel stronger and then visit less often so you don't get into this condition again. Only you will know when you feel better. If you need permission/support to cut back on visits - many responsible, caring people on here have suggested it.
Good luck, Let us know how you are. I wish I had cared for myself more and sooner than I did. My health suffered.
Anyway, I digress.
I think you need to figure out what works for YOU in this situation, since nothing works for your mom. The visits are more for YOU than for her, since she can't appreciate them and forgets they occurred the moment you leave. So maybe set up a day and time each week or whatever that you will go, and decide how long you will stay. Like DollyMe said.......talk to yourself beforehand and prepare yourself as best as you can for what will transpire during the visit. If/when it becomes too much for you to keep up with these visits, cut them down even further or stop visiting entirely, if you're able to do that.
My mother has dementia & lives in Memory Care also. She's not too advanced right now and remembers me when I come to see her. She does complain continuously, however, and it's always that I don't stay long enough, same as your mother. She does the same thing to her grandchildren which has forced them to cut their visits down as well. I really hate going over there these days, so I feel your pain.
It's okay to grieve the loss of your mother NOW, because you really HAVE lost her to this insidious disease of dementia. Sending you a big hug and a prayer that you can find some relief from the depression you are suffering and a plan of action to tackle the visits to see mom.
All the best.
that you've done all that is possible, but the one thing that might really
help you and her would be to put on some music as soon as you arrive. It might be relaxing. Or to take a little present that captures her attention immediately. Rarely do other family members visit my mom with me, but when they do they ask how I am able to stand her condition. So I've wondered if maybe I just don't have feelings, as they suggest I should be really upset. I'm not. At least not always. I would love if she did not have this disease and could be herself again at home. But if she must be in the facility, I would love if she knew I was not there to take her home and if she could know that my dad died and that's why he isn't with her and why she can't go see him, and if I didn't have to tell her he went fishing. I would love if she could remember where the dining room is and how to get back to her own room after dinner. It would be nice if she didn't think people attending the music concert in the living room were her "enemies". On and on. But this is how it is now.
Thank you everyone. It's made a world of difference.
You can be a presence in your mother's life by advocating for her. Be in touch with the director for updates. Send your mother cards. Maybe, if the facility is big enough, you too can enjoy her from afar. Interacting with her is only hurting you. So sorry this is happening.
I only want you reiterate what was helpful to me. It truly took me totally stepping away before I could feel the full impact of how damaging full time caregiving was to me. I am glad that you are not in the position of being a full time caregiver.
You are under a great deal of stress. It’s all hard, part time or full time caregiving. Maybe you need time off for awhile. Not even phone calls. Completely step away in order to become refreshed again. Then you can reassess with a clearer mind.
Ask anyone on this site and they will tell you that I was totally blind and lost and couldn’t see the situation for what it was. It took me awhile to be able to process my experiences. So don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s called conditioning. You have to reprogram your thoughts. Not easy to do.
Either you will consciously choose a change or something will happen and changes will naturally occur. Just know that you deserve to have peace and harmony in your life.
My vote is to consciously choose positive changes. It’s never fun to develop emotional or physical changes due to a stressful environment.
really, a councilor I saw for a couple years advocated this...... and it worked for me.....
each time you think about her, know that this is not the person you knew. Know that whatever upsets her at the moment will pass very quickly once you depart.
then, force your mind to think of something else. What is for dinner...new shoes...neighbor needing help. But, really force yourself to think of pleasant things. At first it is hard, but once you make your mind up..over time it becomes easier to redirect your thoughts.
and remember, the thing you are depressed about is only in your mind...Mom is not capable of remembering the topic for very long.
I was mourning my Mom for a year before she died. I felt guilty that I couldn’t do enough for her. I couldn’t fix her. She could not communicate with me, nor I her. I needed the help of a councilor.
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