Can't reconcile my life, any advice?

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Can't reconcile my life, any advice?

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I am undergoing a severe bout of depression right now. Although my mother is alive, I miss her. She has fairly severe dementia and can't visit in the traditional sense. Sometimes, she's not sure who I am. Most visits now start immediately with her whining (I'm sorry but there's no other word for it) that we're going to leave, even if we've only been there for five minutes. She keeps this up, no matter what else is going on, like taking her around the facility to visit and get out of her room or eating a meal with her or bringing snacks like hot chocolate and donuts. Nothing makes her happy. Nothing. No matter what we do, she is anxious because we're eventually (in a couple of hours) going to leave and she doesn't like to be alone, ever. I know when I visit her, I'm going to leave feeling depressed and crazy. It takes me at least three days to recover. I can't just brush it off, or let it roll off my back--it affects me. She has forgotten we were there by the time we're in the parking lot.
So here's my dilemma--do I visit and fight my way back up from the pit, which is getting harder and harder, or do I not go? She is anxious the whole time we're there but forgets--I am anxious and disturbed to say the least, for days after. I know she's my mother and I owe her a lot--but I can't deny that these visits are slowly killing me. How do I make this right in my head?

Alzheimer's & Dementia Depression Grief Relationships

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I have struggled with the same thing numerous times; and it took me awhile to even admit that my mother was declining.... so with that said...I have accepted that the person that I see is the shell of the person that she used to be, I realize that this is EXTREMELY upsetting and depressing, however, the way that I deal with her not recognizing me, is just to ignore the fact that she doesn't know (that I'm her daughter) and continue to visit as a caring friend. You could tell her that you have to go to work when you leave, since you claim that she doesn't grasp time.

She is most likely comforted by your voice, so even if you don't think she recognizes you, your voice is familiar to her....

You have got to come to terms with your feelings, and do not feel guilty!

Maybe you could find a group to vent, try looking here https://www.alz.org/
I'm sure you will be able to find one in your area. Hope this helps :)

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Or...change your mind.

really, a councilor I saw for a couple years advocated this...... and it worked for me.....

each time you think about her, know that this is not the person you knew. Know that whatever upsets her at the moment will pass very quickly once you depart.

then, force your mind to think of something else. What is for dinner...new shoes...neighbor needing help. But, really force yourself to think of pleasant things. At first it is hard, but once you make your mind up..over time it becomes easier to redirect your thoughts.

and remember, the thing you are depressed about is only in your mind...Mom is not capable of remembering the topic for very long.

I was mourning my Mom for a year before she died. I felt guilty that I couldn’t do enough for her. I couldn’t fix her. She could not communicate with me, nor I her. I needed the help of a councilor.

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good advice

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You can't make her happy. She no longer has that ability. You can do it for yourself but she can't appreciate it.

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This is so difficult, I understand, her feet are still on the ground but her mind is dying. She is no longer the person you knew and never will be again, this is a horrible disease that leaves no survivors.

I would suggest that you reduce the number of visits and those visits be shortened in time. Talk to yourself before visiting... setting the stage in your mind of how to not hear or react to what she is saying, thinking about other things of a positive nature. Tossing in a huh, huh, a yes here and there. Don't get too involved in the conversation, distance your mind.

If you cannot overcome these reactions to your visits you might consider therapy.

I wish you the best!

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If you feel depressed, I'd see a professional about it. You may need medication. Also, someone who can provide you with guidance on grieving. As a loved one progresses through dementia, they really are gone some time before their body passes away.

There are some good suggestions from others here. I'd also add that having a good idea of what you are going to say and do before the visit is helpful. Make up your mind how the visit will go before you get there and then make it happen. I tried to start out positive, like with a balloon, gift, favorite snack food, etc. to get things on the right foot. I'd listen to what she had to say, but, I would comfort her by saying that I had resolved her issues. Whatever it was, I had resolved it with a letter, a phone call, meeting, etc. It did not matter, since, for the moment was all we were working on, since she would forget as soon as I left the room. But, for those moments, she was relieved, happy and enjoying the visit. What are you trying to reconcile at the visits? Why are you feeling defeated? There is nothing you can do, but, try to comfort her in the moment. I had to accept that normal give and take conversations where my LO processed information and reacted appropriately were no longer possible. My expectations were very low as to what she could contribute. So, I was responsible for setting the tone and making it a good experience.

If she continues to be miserable, have her evaluated for depression or anxiety. Sometimes, a daily med can help with that. It helped my LO feel much more content.

If after all measures, the visits still bother you, then, I'd take a break and see if that helps. As a person who has dementia progresses, they may change the way they communicate. My LO started talking less and less and now does not speak at all.

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You know, I don't think there's an 'easy' answer here. I don't think a therapist can help you because s/he can't fix the fact that your mother is suffering from the hideous disease of dementia. You can be given an anti-depressant by your doctor, which I highly recommend, because you need something to help you through the mental and physical pain you're trying to endure on your own. It's not doable alone, I don't think.........we all need help from time to time, right?

Anyway, I digress.

I think you need to figure out what works for YOU in this situation, since nothing works for your mom. The visits are more for YOU than for her, since she can't appreciate them and forgets they occurred the moment you leave. So maybe set up a day and time each week or whatever that you will go, and decide how long you will stay. Like DollyMe said.......talk to yourself beforehand and prepare yourself as best as you can for what will transpire during the visit. If/when it becomes too much for you to keep up with these visits, cut them down even further or stop visiting entirely, if you're able to do that.

My mother has dementia & lives in Memory Care also. She's not too advanced right now and remembers me when I come to see her. She does complain continuously, however, and it's always that I don't stay long enough, same as your mother. She does the same thing to her grandchildren which has forced them to cut their visits down as well. I really hate going over there these days, so I feel your pain.

It's okay to grieve the loss of your mother NOW, because you really HAVE lost her to this insidious disease of dementia. Sending you a big hug and a prayer that you can find some relief from the depression you are suffering and a plan of action to tackle the visits to see mom.

All the best.

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With my mom, it isn’t dementia. Mom has Parkinson’s disease. No matter what the issue is though, it is truly devastating to watch a parent decline.

They are not the same person as they were before. We do grieve. We must realize that they have struggles with grief and fear as well. Acceptance takes time. Oddly enough acceptance for me came after the separation of mom and me. Is that weird? I have no idea if it’s weird or not.

It took total separation for me to realize fully that my life was totally consumed by mom and autopilot took over. I lost myself. Now that I found myself again I would never in a million years give up my freedom again.

Do you feel like you are on autopilot? Do you think a short complete break, a week or two week vacation would help put things in perspective?

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Many blessings upon you for your devotion at the cost of your own wellness. May you receive peace in your heart knowing that none of what you have given of yourself is for naught, even if it seemingly doesn't bring any comfort to your mom. Anything you choose to do going forward will be acceptable -- no one can judge you. Please don't judge (or second guess) yourself.

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Yes. You go. You are grieving the loss of her; she is there, but not the Mom you know and you are appropriately in mourning. But you must visit. You two are likely each picking up on the anxiety of the other. Just try to understand this is a loss and you are depressed about it. The hardest thing for me in my loss of my brother, who he was, is the depression. There isn't a way to "fix it". There just isn't a fix for this grief. It is a matter of understanding you are not alone. There are so many of us, both the person losing their very selves, and for us, the loss of them. I am so sorry.

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I remember when I was a little girl there was a man who used to sit in the back of the congregation all alone. One day, I asked my mother who he was. He was the father of one of the singers. Years later, I learned that he went to hear her sing because they were estranged. He enjoyed her from afar.

You can be a presence in your mother's life by advocating for her. Be in touch with the director for updates. Send your mother cards. Maybe, if the facility is big enough, you too can enjoy her from afar. Interacting with her is only hurting you. So sorry this is happening.

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While it's true that a therapist cannot fix your mother, one could help you with your own emotions and thinking plus you probably need anti depression meds. Meds are great but combined with therapy is even better. Also, staying a couple of hours is way too long.

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I agree with maybe shortening the length and/or frequency of visits if you can. My mom was the same way. She would get anxious and sometimes cry every time I had to leave. It was both upsetting and frustrating at the same time. In time, I did learn to detach more and to understand that it was part of her illness and not take it as personally as I did at first, though it was still not easy, and I had to shorten/cut back on visits too. She suffered from mental health issues and dementia.

Therapy helped, to have someone, a neutral professional third party that wouldn't judge, to talk to that could help me work through my feelings about everything and learn ways to cope and take care of myself too.

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I cannot tell you what to do. No one can. Nor will I judge your actions. That isn’t my place and I don’t have any desire to judge you.

I only want you reiterate what was helpful to me. It truly took me totally stepping away before I could feel the full impact of how damaging full time caregiving was to me. I am glad that you are not in the position of being a full time caregiver.

You are under a great deal of stress. It’s all hard, part time or full time caregiving. Maybe you need time off for awhile. Not even phone calls. Completely step away in order to become refreshed again. Then you can reassess with a clearer mind.

Ask anyone on this site and they will tell you that I was totally blind and lost and couldn’t see the situation for what it was. It took me awhile to be able to process my experiences. So don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s called conditioning. You have to reprogram your thoughts. Not easy to do.

Either you will consciously choose a change or something will happen and changes will naturally occur. Just know that you deserve to have peace and harmony in your life.

My vote is to consciously choose positive changes. It’s never fun to develop emotional or physical changes due to a stressful environment.

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You are not alone. Thank you for posting this and how you feel! I wish we could talk more about this. I have the exact same situation with my mom. I mean exact! It takes me 2 days to recover from a visit with mom. My mom has Lewy Body Dementia and Parkinson’s Disease. Yet she is fully aware that she’s loosing her mind- Hallucinations, delerium. But the worst for me is when she cries, begs and cries for me to stay and visit longer. I have to slowly watch her die and suffer. It’s been five years now. She’s in memory care. Dad is gone. I used to go everyday and for long periods of time. But due to the depression and anxiety, and lots of grief that I now have, I had to take a step beck and go only 2-3 x a week. I miss her so much and she has not even died yet. I’m in therapy and taking two medications. It helps balance the abnormality of this. I also get out a lot with friends and try to balance the pain of this by doing fun things too. I have to do this for my sanity and for my own teen kids and my husband. My mom needs me so much but so does my own family. How do I choose? There is only one of me. That’s the key though- boundaries because there IS only one of me. Guilt bombards me daily but that’s all from the devil and it’s normal. So I try to ignore it. I’m doing what I can to survive. You are not alone. I wish we could talk more to support one another.

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I'm sure you've tried to change the subject when your mom whines and
that you've done all that is possible, but the one thing that might really
help you and her would be to put on some music as soon as you arrive. It might be relaxing. Or to take a little present that captures her attention immediately. Rarely do other family members visit my mom with me, but when they do they ask how I am able to stand her condition. So I've wondered if maybe I just don't have feelings, as they suggest I should be really upset. I'm not. At least not always. I would love if she did not have this disease and could be herself again at home. But if she must be in the facility, I would love if she knew I was not there to take her home and if she could know that my dad died and that's why he isn't with her and why she can't go see him, and if I didn't have to tell her he went fishing. I would love if she could remember where the dining room is and how to get back to her own room after dinner. It would be nice if she didn't think people attending the music concert in the living room were her "enemies". On and on. But this is how it is now.

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((((((((cedar)))))))) My mother passed about a year ago. She had vascular dementia and life long borderline personality disorder which made her a very difficult person to relate to. I lived (still live) 5 hrs drive away. I learned over time that visiting for short periods and always having an "out" when she got difficult was what worked for me. This was before she developed dementia, but it applied as well afterwards. I realized there was nothing I could do to make her happy, and making myself unhappy and more stressed wasn't helping anyone. We need to know that our feelings are ours to look after and the feelings of others are theirs, and not our responsibility. I only visited a few times a year. Mother was well cared for in a facility and I kept in touch with them and looked after anything that came up, medical issues, financial matters, etc

I applied a "harm reduction" concept for myself and did what I needed to do to keep myself on an even keel. It still wasn't easy and still was very stressful being a POA daughter of a very ill mother, but it was better than the extreme stress I felt from spending more time with her, which made me ill.

It sounds like you are being made ill by the stress of frequent visits, whereas your mother who expresses unhappiness when you are there, then forgets about it immediately. Can you see yourself as a trigger for her unhappiness and her as a trigger for your stress and that both of you would be better off if you visited less often?This is the reality, not some Hallmark movie concept of what a "good daughter" should do.

Please look after yourself. Your mother is being cared for. Give yourself a break until you feel stronger and then visit less often so you don't get into this condition again. Only you will know when you feel better. If you need permission/support to cut back on visits - many responsible, caring people on here have suggested it.

Good luck, Let us know how you are. I wish I had cared for myself more and sooner than I did. My health suffered.

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I'm sorry for your loss

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I empathize with your situation and feelings. My mom lives at a wonderful memory care facility and is very much as you described your mom. I visit her frequently but not every day. As time has passed (she's been there for 2 years), and I've experienced similar difficulties during visits, I've accepted that using what could be called a "good-bye fib" is helpful. With her dementia the "fib" is likely not remembered, doing no harm to mom and helping my state of mind when leaving. I tell her I have to go to work for a while (whatever day or time it is) and I'll be back later. She may have questions but I just say "later". Then a soft "I love you, mom" and that usually makes the leaving transition more pleasant. (I do see her "later" but it may be in a day or 2!) Lying is hardly an admirable trait but, in the case of a dementia, it can make transitions better for all involved. I've dealt with some difficult things throughout life but nothing compares to the emotions and challenges of dementia. Maybe this idea, or a variation of it, can help you too.

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An addendum to my recent post. I use "I have to go to work" as my mom always put a high value on work. If your mom valued other activities, substituting that activity for "work" is an option. Good luck.

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That’s a great answer, “ I have to go to work mom.” Because my mom also valued working and understood the value of work! Love it

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Cedarlove, I can identify as 24/7 caretaker of very elderly Mom with dementia that gets worse every day. It is unbelievable stress and it affects us in every way. My only words of help are to try to step away completely when you leave, do not let your mind fixate on this situation, remind yourself you are doing all you can and take time that very day to do something for you to relax. It is depressing watching a loved one disappear before your eyes and experience them doing things that upset you. No idea if visiting her or not visiting her is right for you, but think about when she passes and how it will affect you if you do not visit. Note, I am not saying you will feel worse then for not having visited, just saying to consider if it will make you feel better now and then worse or perhaps not. Sometimes I think our loved ones may be odd to us on the outside and not doing what we'd like, but perhaps inside they are themselves and struggling. To me, and I don't suggest this is your case, helping Mom through this is my way of giving back somehow for all she has done for us in her lifetime so I continue knowing that after she passes I will have time for myself and am hoping to recover then!

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So often the advice is given to distract from the whining or complaining, Change the subject or deny your mom her reality. I’ve had better success with my mom’s complaints a by fully going to the emotional space with her. “Oh yes that’s so sad, hard or awful. “I bet you are really sad when we leave” it might help your mom to feel understood. It’s a bit of a game I play with my mom. Agreeing with her instead of denying her emotions. Often she’ll respond by saying, oh it’s not so bad!

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I’m sorry to hear that you are going through this. Dementia is such a cruel disease. It affects everyone in the family. And bless her heart, your mom just doesn’t understand. Her mind is not working 100%. My advice would to be to seek a good therapist to help you come to a reasonable decision that you can live with. I just lost my mother a month ago to Alzheimer’s/dementia. It’s so very hard for us children. I don’t think there is any easy answer to this question. I look at therapy as a gift to myself because of life situations that I’ve experienced. I am now going through a little depression over the loss of my mother but I know in time I’ll be OK just as you will be OK. There is always Hope! You’re a good daughter and my heart goes out to you.

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I’m very sorry for the loss of your Mom. May she now Rest In Peace.

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I loved Golden23's answer and this quote "I realized there was nothing I could do to make her happy, and making myself unhappy and more stressed wasn't helping anyone. We need to know that our feelings are ours to look after and the feelings of others are theirs, and not our responsibility. "
I have finally realized that my visiting my dad doesn't really do him any good or me any good. I have a right to protect my emotional/mental health and my physical health because God knows, I have been harmed by visits in the past. I only go every couple of weeks. He is being cared for and I can not change anything. You must realize you can't fix her, fix the situation or change anything. You need to learn skills that will help you release it. Sounds like you are carrying her burden as your own. Realize what you are capable of doing and that it is truly ok not to feel like you are responsible for her feelings. I understand that the constant complaints and negativity can get to you. I have learned to just say "I know, dad" and try to redirect. If it gets to be too much...I say inside to myself "time's up" and say my good byes. Do not worry about when you will be back next because she time doesn't mean the same to her as it does to you. Help yourself as you are the one responsible for you! Take care.

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Thx harp and well done re your dad.
Re "I have a right to protect my emotional/mental health and my physical health" - not just a right but, as you say below, a responsibility to yourself. As well as and at the same time as being responsible for others, we are responsible for self care.

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So sorry to hear that you are doing so much and you still having feelings of depression and anxiety. I visit my mother (97) in memory care every morning (for the last year) to do her personal care. Many mornings after I get her out of bed, clean her up and in her wheelchair ready to go down for breakfast, she will get a look of horror and shriek "Are you going!" (yes, I have things to do) "When will you be back?!" (I will be back tomorrow morning) "Am I going to be here ALL ALONE!!? (No, there is always someone here just go down the hall). "But I don't want to go down the hall!!" (then watch TV or take a nap). I wheel her down, and as the staff chimes "Good morning!!" I spin around and get to the security door as fast as I can. I go every day, not to keep her company (or earn a "saint" badge) but to check on her personal hygiene and stock her supplies. Some mornings after I get her up & ready, she will pause and say "what do I do now?" (go to the door, make a left and go down the hall) She will then scoot down the hall to breakfast without a backward look. Maximum time 1 hour or as little as 20 minutes if everything is in order. If she is down the hall eating or working on a puzzle, I just do room & stock and leave. I do understand how you feel. You have to find a way to adjust to her circumstances in a way that will preserve your sanity.

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I have always heard that if the staff knows you are keeping an eye on your LO they will be more attentive.

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Oh sweetie, I feel your heart. I’m in the same place.

No doubt, extra self care is needed, and it does feel like climbing out of a pit sometimes. Even tho it seems like it’s all about our moms right now, what if you took a minute to see, that this is really about us... I call it a season of “stretching”, and it can be so frustrating and painful, and the guilt, oh my, the guilt can be so crazy making for us if we dwell on it too long.
BUT.... If we allow Him, God will take this season and use it to grown us into more of who He wants us to be.
More patience, and more empathy than what we had before.
i know.... but before you throw a book at me, think a minute on the fact that there is no way to change them right now. That time has passed, and what doesn’t kill us really does make us stronger, and personally, I’m feeling a little like Mrs. Hulk right about now. 😜 and I don’t mind it because I know beyond a doubt I will be more ready to handle the next thing life throws at me.

One last thing.... this was a big game changer for the better, I needed to learn to be okay with pacifying her for the moment, because 10 minutes later what she thinks and how she feels may very well be in the opposite direction.
It so goes against my nature to not be completely honest with her, but all that did was cause the loopy conversations that are so frustrating.

But I get it now. If it’s not detrimental to their self or their. lively hood, then cushion your reply, and just let it go. She will be so much better for it too.

Remember to S T R E T C H ......, ❤️

I sure wish you well... merry christmas!

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Cedarlove: I'm very concerned about your mental state of being, since you have a severe bout of depression. Please seek out the help of a psychiatrist, who can provide you with an rx for a low dose of anti anxiety medication, else you fall deeper into depression. That is the first recourse for you to do. Then you will see how much or how little you're able to visit your mother.

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I am a little more concerned about your health than your mom's right now. She is being cared for. You seem to need care now. Please make an appointment with your mental health provider. You need an adjustment in your medications or some lifestyle tweaks. My daughter has Seasonal Affective Disorder which makes winter and the winter holidays harder for her. She tries to use her "sun" lamps, work out, take vitamins, and avoid stressful confrontations during this time of year. It took her several years of different medication combinations and therapies to find what works for her. Seems you need a little more adjusting to find what works best for you. Do this knowing that a "healthier you" will do better visiting and helping your mom cope.

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Taarna: I agree with you. I told the OP that I was very concerned about her. I am familiar with that product to achieve faux vitamin D. It's called an OTT light. For many, the darkness of winter does bring on SAD.

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My heart goes out to you. One of my good friends is going through this with her mother. Her mother is very aggressive so it's even worse. This is a suggestion. A stretch but something worth trying. Make your mom a long CD of music she used to like to hear and play that with you come, and eventually have the staff to play it right after you leave. It works for some people but not everyone. God bless you

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Music is a good suggestion. We discovered Mom's cable TV has multiple music channels, she likes the swing one!

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First of all, bring this information to the medical people so perhaps she can be treated. Second, she has dementia and her behavior will get worse and worse and worse - not your fault. YOU must think of YOU first. She is not who she was and never will be and her behavior is slowly killing you and you do not deserve that. I would write letters or call her and make some excuse that you will be visiting soon (she won't remember any of this and won't know you are not going to visit her). My advice is to steer clear except from a distance so you can escape at once if she acts out. There is always a knock on the door and you have to see who is there and then disappear. Do not let her harm you any more than she already has. Be strong.

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I am so sorry for the troubles you are having. I hope you are seeing a professional for the depression issues and willing to take medications if necessary.

A strategy I use with my mom is to time my visits before meals or her favorite activities. When the time comes I escort her to the dining or activity room and she will be distracted and not grumble.

Sometimes I ask her to walk me to the exit and she always gives me a tour and introduces me to the other residents along the way. By the time we get there she is ready to go back to her room for a nap.

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I had five mothers. My own mother lived, and raised me in the presence of, her serious depression, anxiety, and agoraphobia.

To step in as “mother” when she was unable, she had four AMAZING sisters, and one or another of them would step in when my mom was unable.

Now, I am losing my last “mother”, along with the home that was the site of family life for 130 years, and in which many of the 8 brothers and sisters were born. The loss is, in every possible sense, too much to bear.

I have made visiting this last “mom? The best of the worst of my losses. She has NO MEMORY of things that are said to her after only a few moments, but she DOES remember the names and purpose of some places, some events, some friends and family members. Every time I visit, we “live” in those memories while I’m there.

We discuss fashion, food, old local names of places she’d worked, things about the old home (lilacs around the outhouse(!) thingsI’D LOVED as a child, when she was still in her teens......

I always say I leave in tears, whether the visit has been good or bad BUT if I can engage her for even a few moments in something joyful that she can comment on, even if she’s not right on target, then I leave feeling as though I’ve done the right thing.

Most of the time I feel the persistence of longing for who she WAS, but also knowing that will not be happening. So gradually I have been able to replace that lost hope with staying in the moment for myself, but chatting about the past for her benefit. For me, the comfort of giving her something has also been a comfort to me.

I “cue” her if I think she’s way out. “So she said to me ‘Nina, you need to buy .....’” so that she hears my name. I think that helps.

From a practical point of view, my visits are RARELY more than half an hour, often less. I do like to go 3or 4 times a week when I can. That helps ME and I think helps her.

I deeply feel for your situation. I doubt that it does you much good to force yourself to go when it feels overwhelming. Just don’t let yourself feel as though you’ll never feel differently. Perhaps you will come to feel more comfortable. If you don’t, it’s really not because you’re bad or wrong.

Hugs and hopes........

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