I am undergoing a severe bout of depression right now. Although my mother is alive, I miss her. She has fairly severe dementia and can't visit in the traditional sense. Sometimes, she's not sure who I am. Most visits now start immediately with her whining (I'm sorry but there's no other word for it) that we're going to leave, even if we've only been there for five minutes. She keeps this up, no matter what else is going on, like taking her around the facility to visit and get out of her room or eating a meal with her or bringing snacks like hot chocolate and donuts. Nothing makes her happy. Nothing. No matter what we do, she is anxious because we're eventually (in a couple of hours) going to leave and she doesn't like to be alone, ever. I know when I visit her, I'm going to leave feeling depressed and crazy. It takes me at least three days to recover. I can't just brush it off, or let it roll off my back--it affects me. She has forgotten we were there by the time we're in the parking lot.
So here's my dilemma--do I visit and fight my way back up from the pit, which is getting harder and harder, or do I not go? She is anxious the whole time we're there but forgets--I am anxious and disturbed to say the least, for days after. I know she's my mother and I owe her a lot--but I can't deny that these visits are slowly killing me. How do I make this right in my head?
In my darkest moments I picked up cardio kickboxing classes and then a ukulele, figuring the kickboxing could channel soooo many feelings and the ukulele could just be...well it's hard to stay serious strumming one of those. No perfect solution and I still struggle but these outlets cover a lot of bases! Most times after I'm done talking to mom I have a mini uke session, then go kick a huge bag the next morning!
Blessings and a virtual hug
As you now know, there is no simple or easy answer to your dilemma. As with most issues involving a child caring for their elderly parent --even if the care is only part-time, like yours, as your mother is in a home-- the bond between a child and parent usually leaves us with very few choices, and NONE of the choices are good or easy.
You can only hope that you'll be guided by the situation to choose the LEAST difficult option. Since every person battling dementia/Alzheimer's is unique, the least "bad choice" is impossible for someone else to know... I'm afraid to say that you'll probably just have to 'stumble' onto it, based on your own unique circumstances.
Having said that, there ARE some smaller, individual steps that might help to lighten your emotional burden -- at least a bit:
For example, I fear you're being far too hard on yourself; Shakespeare (I believe) said: "You are your own harshest critic"... In your opening lines, you apologized for referring to your mother's communication as "whining"... you do NOT need to apologize for calling it what it is. It's not her fault, of course, but it is still probably a true and accurate description. You're only human, and you are permitted to vent/complain and use descriptions like "whining" ~ especially in this forum, where you are interacting overwhelmingly with others who support and understand you.
You are to be admired for summoning the courage to regularly visit your mom, and to get her out and about, around the facility. HOWEVER, we do all have our human limits. And I hope that if you should eventually decide to END your visits, you will not be burdened by unjustifiable guilt. In fact, you should feel very positive and proud for having endured this emotionally painful routine for as long as you have, to date.
From someone going thru a similar stressful dilemma, you have my best thoughts. J.J
It is important to realise you, they, we, are not alone in this depressive cycle. Having someone to talk to who understands what this dreadful journey is, is important, whether that be face to face, over the telephone, or through forums such as this. Keep contributing, keep asking, keep venting.
As far as your mother is concerned, you will never make her happy or even less anxious. It is the nature of the disease. It will take its own path and its own time no matter what you or anyone else does. I find that infuriating, but it is what it is.
Perhaps I am travelling a little less rocky road because I let go of my real mother well before she went into a memory care unit. Of course I still visit semi-regularly because of travel distance, but my siblings visit frequently. We all get similar treatment to what your mother dishes to you.
I find it possible to continue visiting because I acknowledge there is nothing neither I, nor my siblings, nor anyone else for that matter, can do the improve the situation. Whether you continue to visit is entirely your prerogative, no one else can or should tell you what is best for you. But I do think letting go of the mother who raised you is an essential part of your path forward. Courage and strength to you.
Thank you everyone. It's made a world of difference.
He will not visit her for months, then the guilt hits, or he is called into service...and he inevitably stays too long and she begins the 'pity party' and by the time he comes home, he is depressed and unhappy for days.
I'm no longer allowed to be 'in her sight' so I cannot accompany DH to these dramas and be the 'excuse' as to why he needs to leave after an hour---he goes and stays sometimes 3-4 hours. The talk may start out OK, just general stuff and he fixes what needs fixing, then she starts to slide into her pitiful voice and "my life has been the worst ever" routine that just makes him crazy.
I've tried encouraging him to keep his visits short-less than an hour, keep the conversation upbeat and moving along, but he just gets to her home and falls into the role of being the bratty little boy she still treats him like. At age 68, that's hard to take!! It will take him a week to 'get over' one of his visits with her. But guilt, pure guilt keeps him going back.
What I do with MY mom is visit her for as short a period of time as I can and make it quick and have a 'reason' for going to see her and leave before she starts talking about her friends who are all dying. It's a trigger to MY depression to see her be this way, but she is the same as she was 60 years ago, so she's not changing. I had to.
And the knowledge that your mom doesn't even remember your visit by the time you've gotten to the parking lot---well, that should be something you can hold to. You're doing a good thing and whether she remembers it or not is not important. But don't let her sadness eat YOU up.
I wish I could help my DH, but since I am one of her huge 'triggers' into manic behavior, I stay away. That has brought me so much peace. It's sad for her--she has no one but her daughter and her grands in her life and she can now barely stand to have the grands around.
Getting old ain't for sissies, for sure.
It's hard to carry on a conversation with her because no matter what topic I choose she can find a negative side to it. Nice weather? It’s going to rain tomorrow. Niece called? She never comes to visit. I bring a treat? Shes's gaining weight.
sigh.
Eventually my Doctor recommended that I visit only once or twice a week. They have no concept of time and so he tried to get me to see that by doing this and only staying for an hour maximum, it helped me to cope better. I had the entire week to get involved in other things such as hobbies and give attention to the rest of my family and this really helped me to de - stress. I also took up yoga and that helped immensely too.
Your mum won’t know the difference between long or short visits or if it is once a week or more frequently. Good luck.