I am undergoing a severe bout of depression right now. Although my mother is alive, I miss her. She has fairly severe dementia and can't visit in the traditional sense. Sometimes, she's not sure who I am. Most visits now start immediately with her whining (I'm sorry but there's no other word for it) that we're going to leave, even if we've only been there for five minutes. She keeps this up, no matter what else is going on, like taking her around the facility to visit and get out of her room or eating a meal with her or bringing snacks like hot chocolate and donuts. Nothing makes her happy. Nothing. No matter what we do, she is anxious because we're eventually (in a couple of hours) going to leave and she doesn't like to be alone, ever. I know when I visit her, I'm going to leave feeling depressed and crazy. It takes me at least three days to recover. I can't just brush it off, or let it roll off my back--it affects me. She has forgotten we were there by the time we're in the parking lot.
So here's my dilemma--do I visit and fight my way back up from the pit, which is getting harder and harder, or do I not go? She is anxious the whole time we're there but forgets--I am anxious and disturbed to say the least, for days after. I know she's my mother and I owe her a lot--but I can't deny that these visits are slowly killing me. How do I make this right in my head?
Eventually my Doctor recommended that I visit only once or twice a week. They have no concept of time and so he tried to get me to see that by doing this and only staying for an hour maximum, it helped me to cope better. I had the entire week to get involved in other things such as hobbies and give attention to the rest of my family and this really helped me to de - stress. I also took up yoga and that helped immensely too.
Your mum won’t know the difference between long or short visits or if it is once a week or more frequently. Good luck.
It's hard to carry on a conversation with her because no matter what topic I choose she can find a negative side to it. Nice weather? It’s going to rain tomorrow. Niece called? She never comes to visit. I bring a treat? Shes's gaining weight.
sigh.
He will not visit her for months, then the guilt hits, or he is called into service...and he inevitably stays too long and she begins the 'pity party' and by the time he comes home, he is depressed and unhappy for days.
I'm no longer allowed to be 'in her sight' so I cannot accompany DH to these dramas and be the 'excuse' as to why he needs to leave after an hour---he goes and stays sometimes 3-4 hours. The talk may start out OK, just general stuff and he fixes what needs fixing, then she starts to slide into her pitiful voice and "my life has been the worst ever" routine that just makes him crazy.
I've tried encouraging him to keep his visits short-less than an hour, keep the conversation upbeat and moving along, but he just gets to her home and falls into the role of being the bratty little boy she still treats him like. At age 68, that's hard to take!! It will take him a week to 'get over' one of his visits with her. But guilt, pure guilt keeps him going back.
What I do with MY mom is visit her for as short a period of time as I can and make it quick and have a 'reason' for going to see her and leave before she starts talking about her friends who are all dying. It's a trigger to MY depression to see her be this way, but she is the same as she was 60 years ago, so she's not changing. I had to.
And the knowledge that your mom doesn't even remember your visit by the time you've gotten to the parking lot---well, that should be something you can hold to. You're doing a good thing and whether she remembers it or not is not important. But don't let her sadness eat YOU up.
I wish I could help my DH, but since I am one of her huge 'triggers' into manic behavior, I stay away. That has brought me so much peace. It's sad for her--she has no one but her daughter and her grands in her life and she can now barely stand to have the grands around.
Getting old ain't for sissies, for sure.
Thank you everyone. It's made a world of difference.
It is important to realise you, they, we, are not alone in this depressive cycle. Having someone to talk to who understands what this dreadful journey is, is important, whether that be face to face, over the telephone, or through forums such as this. Keep contributing, keep asking, keep venting.
As far as your mother is concerned, you will never make her happy or even less anxious. It is the nature of the disease. It will take its own path and its own time no matter what you or anyone else does. I find that infuriating, but it is what it is.
Perhaps I am travelling a little less rocky road because I let go of my real mother well before she went into a memory care unit. Of course I still visit semi-regularly because of travel distance, but my siblings visit frequently. We all get similar treatment to what your mother dishes to you.
I find it possible to continue visiting because I acknowledge there is nothing neither I, nor my siblings, nor anyone else for that matter, can do the improve the situation. Whether you continue to visit is entirely your prerogative, no one else can or should tell you what is best for you. But I do think letting go of the mother who raised you is an essential part of your path forward. Courage and strength to you.
As you now know, there is no simple or easy answer to your dilemma. As with most issues involving a child caring for their elderly parent --even if the care is only part-time, like yours, as your mother is in a home-- the bond between a child and parent usually leaves us with very few choices, and NONE of the choices are good or easy.
You can only hope that you'll be guided by the situation to choose the LEAST difficult option. Since every person battling dementia/Alzheimer's is unique, the least "bad choice" is impossible for someone else to know... I'm afraid to say that you'll probably just have to 'stumble' onto it, based on your own unique circumstances.
Having said that, there ARE some smaller, individual steps that might help to lighten your emotional burden -- at least a bit:
For example, I fear you're being far too hard on yourself; Shakespeare (I believe) said: "You are your own harshest critic"... In your opening lines, you apologized for referring to your mother's communication as "whining"... you do NOT need to apologize for calling it what it is. It's not her fault, of course, but it is still probably a true and accurate description. You're only human, and you are permitted to vent/complain and use descriptions like "whining" ~ especially in this forum, where you are interacting overwhelmingly with others who support and understand you.
You are to be admired for summoning the courage to regularly visit your mom, and to get her out and about, around the facility. HOWEVER, we do all have our human limits. And I hope that if you should eventually decide to END your visits, you will not be burdened by unjustifiable guilt. In fact, you should feel very positive and proud for having endured this emotionally painful routine for as long as you have, to date.
From someone going thru a similar stressful dilemma, you have my best thoughts. J.J
In my darkest moments I picked up cardio kickboxing classes and then a ukulele, figuring the kickboxing could channel soooo many feelings and the ukulele could just be...well it's hard to stay serious strumming one of those. No perfect solution and I still struggle but these outlets cover a lot of bases! Most times after I'm done talking to mom I have a mini uke session, then go kick a huge bag the next morning!
Blessings and a virtual hug
To step in as “mother” when she was unable, she had four AMAZING sisters, and one or another of them would step in when my mom was unable.
Now, I am losing my last “mother”, along with the home that was the site of family life for 130 years, and in which many of the 8 brothers and sisters were born. The loss is, in every possible sense, too much to bear.
I have made visiting this last “mom? The best of the worst of my losses. She has NO MEMORY of things that are said to her after only a few moments, but she DOES remember the names and purpose of some places, some events, some friends and family members. Every time I visit, we “live” in those memories while I’m there.
We discuss fashion, food, old local names of places she’d worked, things about the old home (lilacs around the outhouse(!) thingsI’D LOVED as a child, when she was still in her teens......
I always say I leave in tears, whether the visit has been good or bad BUT if I can engage her for even a few moments in something joyful that she can comment on, even if she’s not right on target, then I leave feeling as though I’ve done the right thing.
Most of the time I feel the persistence of longing for who she WAS, but also knowing that will not be happening. So gradually I have been able to replace that lost hope with staying in the moment for myself, but chatting about the past for her benefit. For me, the comfort of giving her something has also been a comfort to me.
I “cue” her if I think she’s way out. “So she said to me ‘Nina, you need to buy .....’” so that she hears my name. I think that helps.
From a practical point of view, my visits are RARELY more than half an hour, often less. I do like to go 3or 4 times a week when I can. That helps ME and I think helps her.
I deeply feel for your situation. I doubt that it does you much good to force yourself to go when it feels overwhelming. Just don’t let yourself feel as though you’ll never feel differently. Perhaps you will come to feel more comfortable. If you don’t, it’s really not because you’re bad or wrong.
Hugs and hopes........
A strategy I use with my mom is to time my visits before meals or her favorite activities. When the time comes I escort her to the dining or activity room and she will be distracted and not grumble.
Sometimes I ask her to walk me to the exit and she always gives me a tour and introduces me to the other residents along the way. By the time we get there she is ready to go back to her room for a nap.
No doubt, extra self care is needed, and it does feel like climbing out of a pit sometimes. Even tho it seems like it’s all about our moms right now, what if you took a minute to see, that this is really about us... I call it a season of “stretching”, and it can be so frustrating and painful, and the guilt, oh my, the guilt can be so crazy making for us if we dwell on it too long.
BUT.... If we allow Him, God will take this season and use it to grown us into more of who He wants us to be.
More patience, and more empathy than what we had before.
i know.... but before you throw a book at me, think a minute on the fact that there is no way to change them right now. That time has passed, and what doesn’t kill us really does make us stronger, and personally, I’m feeling a little like Mrs. Hulk right about now. 😜 and I don’t mind it because I know beyond a doubt I will be more ready to handle the next thing life throws at me.
One last thing.... this was a big game changer for the better, I needed to learn to be okay with pacifying her for the moment, because 10 minutes later what she thinks and how she feels may very well be in the opposite direction.
It so goes against my nature to not be completely honest with her, but all that did was cause the loopy conversations that are so frustrating.
But I get it now. If it’s not detrimental to their self or their. lively hood, then cushion your reply, and just let it go. She will be so much better for it too.
Remember to S T R E T C H ......, ❤️
I sure wish you well... merry christmas!
I have finally realized that my visiting my dad doesn't really do him any good or me any good. I have a right to protect my emotional/mental health and my physical health because God knows, I have been harmed by visits in the past. I only go every couple of weeks. He is being cared for and I can not change anything. You must realize you can't fix her, fix the situation or change anything. You need to learn skills that will help you release it. Sounds like you are carrying her burden as your own. Realize what you are capable of doing and that it is truly ok not to feel like you are responsible for her feelings. I understand that the constant complaints and negativity can get to you. I have learned to just say "I know, dad" and try to redirect. If it gets to be too much...I say inside to myself "time's up" and say my good byes. Do not worry about when you will be back next because she time doesn't mean the same to her as it does to you. Help yourself as you are the one responsible for you! Take care.
Re "I have a right to protect my emotional/mental health and my physical health" - not just a right but, as you say below, a responsibility to yourself. As well as and at the same time as being responsible for others, we are responsible for self care.
I applied a "harm reduction" concept for myself and did what I needed to do to keep myself on an even keel. It still wasn't easy and still was very stressful being a POA daughter of a very ill mother, but it was better than the extreme stress I felt from spending more time with her, which made me ill.
It sounds like you are being made ill by the stress of frequent visits, whereas your mother who expresses unhappiness when you are there, then forgets about it immediately. Can you see yourself as a trigger for her unhappiness and her as a trigger for your stress and that both of you would be better off if you visited less often?This is the reality, not some Hallmark movie concept of what a "good daughter" should do.
Please look after yourself. Your mother is being cared for. Give yourself a break until you feel stronger and then visit less often so you don't get into this condition again. Only you will know when you feel better. If you need permission/support to cut back on visits - many responsible, caring people on here have suggested it.
Good luck, Let us know how you are. I wish I had cared for myself more and sooner than I did. My health suffered.
that you've done all that is possible, but the one thing that might really
help you and her would be to put on some music as soon as you arrive. It might be relaxing. Or to take a little present that captures her attention immediately. Rarely do other family members visit my mom with me, but when they do they ask how I am able to stand her condition. So I've wondered if maybe I just don't have feelings, as they suggest I should be really upset. I'm not. At least not always. I would love if she did not have this disease and could be herself again at home. But if she must be in the facility, I would love if she knew I was not there to take her home and if she could know that my dad died and that's why he isn't with her and why she can't go see him, and if I didn't have to tell her he went fishing. I would love if she could remember where the dining room is and how to get back to her own room after dinner. It would be nice if she didn't think people attending the music concert in the living room were her "enemies". On and on. But this is how it is now.
I only want you reiterate what was helpful to me. It truly took me totally stepping away before I could feel the full impact of how damaging full time caregiving was to me. I am glad that you are not in the position of being a full time caregiver.
You are under a great deal of stress. It’s all hard, part time or full time caregiving. Maybe you need time off for awhile. Not even phone calls. Completely step away in order to become refreshed again. Then you can reassess with a clearer mind.
Ask anyone on this site and they will tell you that I was totally blind and lost and couldn’t see the situation for what it was. It took me awhile to be able to process my experiences. So don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s called conditioning. You have to reprogram your thoughts. Not easy to do.
Either you will consciously choose a change or something will happen and changes will naturally occur. Just know that you deserve to have peace and harmony in your life.
My vote is to consciously choose positive changes. It’s never fun to develop emotional or physical changes due to a stressful environment.
Therapy helped, to have someone, a neutral professional third party that wouldn't judge, to talk to that could help me work through my feelings about everything and learn ways to cope and take care of myself too.