I am undergoing a severe bout of depression right now. Although my mother is alive, I miss her. She has fairly severe dementia and can't visit in the traditional sense. Sometimes, she's not sure who I am. Most visits now start immediately with her whining (I'm sorry but there's no other word for it) that we're going to leave, even if we've only been there for five minutes. She keeps this up, no matter what else is going on, like taking her around the facility to visit and get out of her room or eating a meal with her or bringing snacks like hot chocolate and donuts. Nothing makes her happy. Nothing. No matter what we do, she is anxious because we're eventually (in a couple of hours) going to leave and she doesn't like to be alone, ever. I know when I visit her, I'm going to leave feeling depressed and crazy. It takes me at least three days to recover. I can't just brush it off, or let it roll off my back--it affects me. She has forgotten we were there by the time we're in the parking lot.
So here's my dilemma--do I visit and fight my way back up from the pit, which is getting harder and harder, or do I not go? She is anxious the whole time we're there but forgets--I am anxious and disturbed to say the least, for days after. I know she's my mother and I owe her a lot--but I can't deny that these visits are slowly killing me. How do I make this right in my head?
You can be a presence in your mother's life by advocating for her. Be in touch with the director for updates. Send your mother cards. Maybe, if the facility is big enough, you too can enjoy her from afar. Interacting with her is only hurting you. So sorry this is happening.
They are not the same person as they were before. We do grieve. We must realize that they have struggles with grief and fear as well. Acceptance takes time. Oddly enough acceptance for me came after the separation of mom and me. Is that weird? I have no idea if it’s weird or not.
It took total separation for me to realize fully that my life was totally consumed by mom and autopilot took over. I lost myself. Now that I found myself again I would never in a million years give up my freedom again.
Do you feel like you are on autopilot? Do you think a short complete break, a week or two week vacation would help put things in perspective?
Anyway, I digress.
I think you need to figure out what works for YOU in this situation, since nothing works for your mom. The visits are more for YOU than for her, since she can't appreciate them and forgets they occurred the moment you leave. So maybe set up a day and time each week or whatever that you will go, and decide how long you will stay. Like DollyMe said.......talk to yourself beforehand and prepare yourself as best as you can for what will transpire during the visit. If/when it becomes too much for you to keep up with these visits, cut them down even further or stop visiting entirely, if you're able to do that.
My mother has dementia & lives in Memory Care also. She's not too advanced right now and remembers me when I come to see her. She does complain continuously, however, and it's always that I don't stay long enough, same as your mother. She does the same thing to her grandchildren which has forced them to cut their visits down as well. I really hate going over there these days, so I feel your pain.
It's okay to grieve the loss of your mother NOW, because you really HAVE lost her to this insidious disease of dementia. Sending you a big hug and a prayer that you can find some relief from the depression you are suffering and a plan of action to tackle the visits to see mom.
All the best.
There are some good suggestions from others here. I'd also add that having a good idea of what you are going to say and do before the visit is helpful. Make up your mind how the visit will go before you get there and then make it happen. I tried to start out positive, like with a balloon, gift, favorite snack food, etc. to get things on the right foot. I'd listen to what she had to say, but, I would comfort her by saying that I had resolved her issues. Whatever it was, I had resolved it with a letter, a phone call, meeting, etc. It did not matter, since, for the moment was all we were working on, since she would forget as soon as I left the room. But, for those moments, she was relieved, happy and enjoying the visit. What are you trying to reconcile at the visits? Why are you feeling defeated? There is nothing you can do, but, try to comfort her in the moment. I had to accept that normal give and take conversations where my LO processed information and reacted appropriately were no longer possible. My expectations were very low as to what she could contribute. So, I was responsible for setting the tone and making it a good experience.
If she continues to be miserable, have her evaluated for depression or anxiety. Sometimes, a daily med can help with that. It helped my LO feel much more content.
If after all measures, the visits still bother you, then, I'd take a break and see if that helps. As a person who has dementia progresses, they may change the way they communicate. My LO started talking less and less and now does not speak at all.
I would suggest that you reduce the number of visits and those visits be shortened in time. Talk to yourself before visiting... setting the stage in your mind of how to not hear or react to what she is saying, thinking about other things of a positive nature. Tossing in a huh, huh, a yes here and there. Don't get too involved in the conversation, distance your mind.
If you cannot overcome these reactions to your visits you might consider therapy.
I wish you the best!
really, a councilor I saw for a couple years advocated this...... and it worked for me.....
each time you think about her, know that this is not the person you knew. Know that whatever upsets her at the moment will pass very quickly once you depart.
then, force your mind to think of something else. What is for dinner...new shoes...neighbor needing help. But, really force yourself to think of pleasant things. At first it is hard, but once you make your mind up..over time it becomes easier to redirect your thoughts.
and remember, the thing you are depressed about is only in your mind...Mom is not capable of remembering the topic for very long.
I was mourning my Mom for a year before she died. I felt guilty that I couldn’t do enough for her. I couldn’t fix her. She could not communicate with me, nor I her. I needed the help of a councilor.
She is most likely comforted by your voice, so even if you don't think she recognizes you, your voice is familiar to her....
You have got to come to terms with your feelings, and do not feel guilty!
Maybe you could find a group to vent, try looking here https://www.alz.org/
I'm sure you will be able to find one in your area. Hope this helps :)