My mom, who's 83 and has been diagnosed with dementia, came to live with us 2+ years ago after my siblings took everything she had. They were all up in Washington state. I was kept in the dark but tried to do the right thing and bring her to live with us after her other 2 kids died of alcoholism. This is a crazy long story so I’ll try not to ramble...I brought mom home and got her with Kaiser/Medicare. She's had cataracts removed from both eyes and a total knee replacement as of December 2106. She's basically mobile but prefers to be left alone to watch her TV or read. She's "seems" to be coherent only when she wants to be and manages her bathroom and eating habits as long as we clean up after her. I have to remind her all the time and she doesn't like that at all. But, these are her personality traits as long I can remember so we have been patient. We are being forced by the IRS to close our small business after 30 years because we are not “solvent” on paper. Since we can’t pay over $80K in back taxes, now my 71-year-old husband and I must “get jobs”. So, we must file bankruptcy, and move in with my son, his wife and 3 little girls under 7. I am 63 and have health issues of my own. Right now, anxiety has me shaking so bad I can barely type this. Our lease on our rental home is up in August. We CANNOT take my mom with us and there is NOBODY else in her family alive that can take her in. PLEASE HELP!
You might see if any other family member is able and willing to come forward first. This is not your fault. Even families with large homes, ample resources and lots of time find it very challenging to provide around the clock care for a family member with dementia. It is a huge undertaking. People with dementia normally progress to need constant assistance with every aspect of their daily activities. (feeding, bathing, toileting, etc.)
Try to get some relief and know that you are only human. Try to stop stressing. I hope you'll get some more suggestions.
It might take some time, and due diligence on your part, and you must not give up! You will also need to be in contact with her Dr, as there may be Dementia assessments that need to be addressed.
Unfortunately, your Mom may need to become a ward of the state, and the state may assigned guardianship of her, but you will still be able to be her daughter and your family won't have to give up their relationship with her.
In the meantime, the AOA should also point you in the direction of some RESPITE CARE for YOU! You need to be very frank with them about your own needs, and hopefully they will find you a state/county grant or other funding, to get you some much needed time off and a break away from your responsibility of her, where she will be placed for (unfortunately) only a week or so, so you can get some rest!
As so many of us here have found, persistence is key, in finding the help you need! Don't give up on yourself or her! There is help our there, and the more you search it out, the more you will find! Good Luck!
I just wanted to offer huge sympathy with the terrible stress you must be dealing with, and to second Sunnygirl's reassurance that none of this is your fault.
I hope you can find some options that help.
There is a plan B, you just don't know what that is yet.
Hubs can work? Mom can get SSI?
Please do not move in with your son.
Remain independent, stay together, keep mom with you as long as possible, work your way out of this problem.
Think outside of the box.
There is some affordable housing in California-try mobilehomes.
It's just that when you say she screeched to a halt over the move to memory care, or AL with memory care, if she does have progressing dementia it will ultimately not be her decision to make. Meanwhile, though, while she is making or being allowed to make these decisions, then let her.
You will indeed go the way of your poor late brother if you allow yourself to get sucked in to a position of responsibility without authority. I appreciate how harsh this sounds, but if your mother makes the decisions then she also has to take the consequences. So that, although you say she's your mother and you can't "let her be like that", unless she permits you to do what's necessary for her welfare you must refuse to accept responsibility for it.
So, where are we? Is she competent or not?
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