Follow
Share

We took in my mom and dad about 4 years ago, dad has since past and we are taking care of mom. We (my husband and I) can not have a personal conversation anymore. She jumps into everything we say to each other, have to repeat it all so she knows what we are talking about and always puts her two cents in even to the point of causing an arguement between us. How do you ask her to please stay out of our personal conversations? She follows us around, listens around the corner and goes everywhere with us. If I wanted her input, I would ask for it.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

29 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
"How do you ask her to please stay out of our personal conversations?"

hmmm ... in English? Or does she understand some other language better? Is she hard of hearing? Would in writing be better?

The way to tell someone what you would like/expect from them is to tell them. In some cases, more than one repetition may be necessary. Be consistent. Be polite but firm. And then enforce it. Once you have told her that it is important to you to be able to have private conversations with your husband, then the next time she jumps in DON'T repeat everything to bring her up to date. Say, "Mom, this is a private conversation. I'll be with you in a half hour or so." If she doesn't get it, ask her to please go into another room so you can finish this private conversation.

Please set some boundaries sooner rather than later. This is for your mom's sake as well as for yours. If you let this go on your resentment will inevitably build up, and resentful people do not make ideal caregivers.

It is great that you often take Mom out with you. But you also need some time away from her. Set that boundary, too.

You don't say how long ago your dad died. Mom may very well be missing him. Be sympathetic and kind, but do not let her loneliness become a burden for you.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
maybe just say it like you just did.
" mom did your mother put her two cents in to every conversation you and dad had"?Or something to that effect, then just tell her - mom we are having a private conversation so would you please excuse us? Sometimes the elderly get into that habit of listening in because they are board and lonely . What I do is turn up the TV quite loud, tell my husband I have to talk to him and make it when a really interesting program is on or she's doing something that takes her attention away . Then go to another part of the house and talk, kinda quietly. I know this is not the ideal situation, but the other way is worse for me. I hope this helps you I will be thinking of you all tonight.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
My mom did the same - my husband and I started going into our bedroom to discuss anything we didn't want her "two cents" being added to. If not that, then we would speak quietly enough that she couldn't hear much of what we were saying. When she said "huh?" we'd say "oh nothing - we were just talking to each other" and let it drop....she eventually got the hint.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
I find long walks in the park with the dog helps. They always say that men listen better while doing something and being shoulder to shoulder helps. I have learned to pick my times to talk about anything important very carefully which just adds to my stress. Some very funny things have happened here while I was trying to avoid his involvement! :)
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
I have tried going to our bedroom but she just follows us in there. If I try to tell her that this is private, she gets upset and goes to her room pouting. She then thinks it's because we are talking about her. She once said, yall know everything thats going on in my life why I can know all about yours? I have told her, nothing mom, I was just talking to hubby and then she wants to know what it was about? What did we say that she missed? She eavesdrops on our phone calls. If anyone calls, it's who was that? What did they want? She disagrees with me about everything so if my hubby and I are disagreeing, of course, she jumps in and takes his side. Also, we took her and day in about 4/5 yrs ago. Dad past away almost 3 yrs ago, she got mad at me and went back to her home for about 2 months and then called me wanting to come back. So, she has been here for almost 3 yrs since dad left. She is able to get around, take a bath, take care of her dog, feed herself and all those things but she wants me to wait on her all the time. She original reason for being here was so she wouldn't be alone. She also made me promise that she would never be put in a NH. I promised only until I was no longer able to take care of her and that I couldn't guarantee it will never happen. She stills says I am never to put her in a NH. I have 4 brothers but none of them help me at all!!! Although, like they did with daddy, I am sure they will jump on the band wagon when her time is here to go meet daddy. Sorry, I am rambling on now but I have a lot of things built up in me for a very long time now.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
It might also help you to know that my hubby and I are also both disabled so I am having a lot of pain and problems of my own.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
I am sorry Becky, you are going through so much, hang in there. God Bless!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
She gets upset and goes to her bedroom and pouts. So? Why is that your problem? When she was raising you, did she go to ridiculous lengths so that you wouldn't pout? It is NOT your job to make sure your mother is happy 60 minutes out of every hour. She is responsible for her behavior, including pouting. Don't make it your problem.

She follows you to your room. What!!?? Your room is PRIVATE. It is your sanctuary. She should not enter your room without knocking and without an invitation to come in.

She wants you to wait on her all the time. Hey, I don't blame her! I love being waited on. When my stepdaughter would come to visit us for a week at a time while I cared for her father with dementia, she waited on both me and her father. I loved it! It was a nice treat for a week's respite, but it would be a very unhealthy pattern on an ongoing basis. Sure she wants you to wait on her. But that certainly doesn't mean you have to wait on her!

She wants to know who was on the phone? "Oh just someone for me." What did they want? "Oh, we took care of it on the phone." You do NOT need to allow her to invade your privacy.

Please don't promise her you'll never put her in a nursing home. You don't know what the future holds.

It sounds like you really need to establish some boundaries in your home, and consistently enforce them.

I know that you would like to wave a magic wand and have your mother change. That is not going to happen. You can't change her, but you can change your own behavior. Stop giving in to her pouting. Stop letting her invade your privacy. Make your bedroom off-limits to her. She is your mom, but you are not 11 any more.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Hey, she even follows me to the bathroom. I put my story on my profile if interested in reading it. My mom can be a monster if she so chooses to be. She will verbally attack me and I am not good with those kinds of confrontations. She says I say things that I don't , she complains about not getting 3 hot meals a day served to her. She says I don't care about her or love her and is a master of laying on guilt trips. She is manipulative, narcisstic, and hypocondriac (sp). She reads the side effects on her meds and gets them.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
I am 56 and she makes me feel like I am five.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
She doesn't like the tub in the hallway next to her room, so she used our master bath in our bedroom because it has a walk-in shower. Problem is...she uses it at her own convenience. In the middle of the night, yes, while my hubby or I are in bed or wanting to go to bed. When I say I am going to take a shower, that is when she is too.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
No, no, no, Momsonlyhope, Mom does NOT take a shower in the master bath whenever she wants to. She does NOT take a shower in the middle of the night. She does NOT enter your room without knocking, except during her agreed-upon bath hour.

You are not five years old any more.

I've read enough from daughters of narcissistic mothers on this site to realize what a huge struggle it can be to face them as a grown up. But you deserve a grown-up life of your own. Please get some professional help to prepare you to deal with this. Not because there is something wrong with you, but because you are a good person who deserves whatever help it takes to have a chance at happiness. I know you will get lots of support from others on this forum. That will help. Also find a counselor, please. You deserve it.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
It's true that it's difficult to go against your parent when you have been raised to obey them without argument. I'm currently seeing a therapist. In our culture, we must obey our elders - which includes siblings. I thought it would be so easy to tell my older siblings No or to help out. And I just could not. I was so stressed over it, I wanted to quit therapy because I "failed" confronting my siblings. Therapist said that I'm way far off when it comes to confrontations or making MY Needs and Wants known. So, for now, we're doing other things to help me know myself and to value Me.

I think you and hubby have an advantage in that it is your home. You can set rules and enforce it - over and over - until your mom understands it. Remember to lock your bedroom door. Father still gives me the 3rd degree when I talk on the phone. I just give him vague answers.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Momsonlyhope - here's a thought... "mom - if you don't start respecting our boundaries and your complaining, you WILL be put into a nursing home because I don't know how much more of this I can take...and I will NOT feel guilty about it!" Time to put your foot down... and mean it.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
"Mom, I love you, but when you insist on coming into my bedroom, you're right, I don't love you then."

"Mom, we're going to have sex now, and you can't come in." Use that one 10 times a day. You can giggle when you say it, but stick to your guns.

Use the broken record technique. "Mom, that was a private call. It doesn't have anything to do with you." If the call was AT ALL interesting, and not very private, tell her about it. Tell her about everything you can, so she'll feel included. Then you can say, "Mom, I tell you a lot, but some things are private, and I'm not going to tell you about it." "I'm sorry it makes you feel bad. I love you, but that's private, and I won't tell you about it. And that's all there is to it."

Does she have a sense of humor? "That was Burt Reynolds on the phone. He wanted to go on a date with you, but I told him you had other plans." "That was Paula Deen. She wants your recipe for cheesy grits."

Or: "That was my boss. He wanted to tell me that the Simmons account needs an inventory done. I have to create a spreadsheet showing every order for widgets in the past 5 years. I need to calculate the percentage increase in widgets ordered, and do a statistical analysis of trends. He wants a powerpoint presentation ........" with every single boring detail you can think of or make up. Do you have a friend with personal problems? Tell Mom ALL about it in gory detail. The more STUFF you share, the easier it will be to say "This is private."

You should put a lock on your bedroom door, and tell her about it. Say, "Mom, I'm not a child anymore, and my husband never was your child. You can't go into my husband's room without our permission. I'm sorry if that makes you feel bad, but that's a house rule. You need to follow house rules." Repeat "that's a rule." 25 or 100 times. As Purplesushi says, "If you don't like following the house rules, you may need to find somewhere else to live."

"I DO want you to live here, but you need to follow the rules. I DO love you, but you need to follow the rules. Yes, you are my mother. I love and respect you, but you have to follow the rules."

I don't envy you, but it won't get any better without going through a pretty long training period, and if it doesn't get better, someone's gonna blow their top, and that won't be pretty.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Hope,

I'm with Jeanne on this one. Set those boundaries and enforce them consistently. Above all, don't apologize. Otherwise she'll lay a guilt trip on you and go back to business as usual. Also, see what you can to to help her develop a social network so you can have more "me time."
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
I agree with people here. My Mom has never had respect for boundaries. But get a lock on that door ASAP (with a key only you & hubby have, if necessary). Re her inserting herself into conversations, go into your bedroom and discuss it (put music on so she can't hear). I'm sorry she's difficult. My Mom is too. And I'm doing it alone. When she is out with her caregiver or a friend, I feel like I can breathe. She has Alzheimer's and herd friends (who said they would take her for a day a month, so I could have some freedom) are nowhere to be found. And she can't drive, so she is defendant on others, which really frustrates her & pusses her off. I wish you lots of courage and luck, because she isn't going to make it easy!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Therapy would help here. From what you are saying you have no boundaries, that you inforce. I didn't either. Therapy was a blessing. A good therapist will give you support an a good kick in the ass to change. Yes you change, not your Mom. Who is holding all the cards, you. If the situation doesn't change, your mother will have to go into a nursing home. If your brothers don't start taking your Mom for a week at a time, she will have to go to a nursing home, using up all her money. Do it for yourself, and for your Mom.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Your right to privacy in your own home is the highest priority to a happy life. If your mother cannot respect your privacy, then she can be a busybody somewhere else. Your mother is required to adapt to your way of life in your home, not the other way around!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Thank you to all of you for your words of encouragement. I know that I need to change and right now I am feeling really bad about myself. Mom intimidates me, manipulates me and makes me feel quilty all the time. I have had such a hard time through life from childhood + up that has left me drained and no self-confidence. The way she treats me just amplifies my self-doubt. I try to get respite in my office room which is conected to my bedroom and there is no door between the two spaces. You could say my bedroom door is the door into my office, you must go through my office to get to my bedroom. I try to get respite in my office but she complains to everyone that I stay in there with the door shut all day, (not so) but even so it doesn't work as she will still come in and if the door is locked she will knock until it is opened. I can't get a nap without interuption. Tried to today and I do believe (maybe I dreamed) that I yelled at her to get out. I am not liking the way I feel about her or me lately. When I see people talking about having a good day with their moms and how sweet she is to them, I just wanna cry. She loves my good for nothing brothers more than me. She was always jealous of my love for my daddy and the love he had for me. She likes to make me feel that he really didn't love me that much. Whatever. Just ranking. Thanks for listening.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
How would you ever have learned to set boundaries with a mother like that? Don't be hard on yourself. This is one of those dreaded "opportunities for growth." Pat yourself on the back every time you make a tiny step in the right direction.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Thanks for pointing out that truth, Jinx. I'll bet I speak for more than myself when I say that telling you that you need to change does NOT mean I think you are a bad person. or that your mother's deplorable behavior is all your fault. Not at all!

You DESERVE to change. You were taught behaviors that aren't good for you. Jinx is right, pat yourself on the back for each tiny step in the right direction. And forgive yourself immediately for every slip back into the self-harming behavior you were taught.

We'd love to hear about your struggles and especially about every success! This is going to be a hard journey. We want to be there for you!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Behavior has consequences. Sounds like her behavior (disruption of your home & life) has earned her a one-way ticket to assisted living. Her choice.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Does your mom have dementia? One of the truest things I have been told about this disease is "it's all about them"...the dementia-affected brain cannot fathom that every conversation doesn't include them and is about them. When I was discussing options for an ambulance to take my mother back to her NH, the lady in the next bed said "I'm not going anywhere in an ambulance!". No amount of explaining could get her to see that I was talking with the staff about my mother and not her.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
I do not know and the mere mention of such a thing throws her into a fit, accusing me of trying to be like my cousin whose mom did have alz and she took control of everything. She is afraid I am trying to get control of her life and basically get rid of her. I have no idea how to even approach this subject and she has told me that I had better not go behind her back and talk to her doctors about her. What to do?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Find the book Children of the Self Absorbed. It is about dealing with the effects of growing up with a narcissistic parent (or two).

Therapy will be a HUGE help for you. Focus on YOUR needs, not her actions.

Please say I feel guilty when she does x, not she makes me feel guilty. Or whatever other feeling. Own your feelings. Realize that it may not feel good but you CAN set boundaries with your mother. Is she is verbally and emotionally abusive, there are all sorts of resources for learning how to deal with that. If she is physically abusive, call the police.

If she can afford to live on her own, arrange it. It sounds as if she is with you in order to avoid feeling lonely. Her feeling lonely is HER problem to solve, not yours. There are other options besides you and the nursing home.

It is hard to feel confident about ourselves when we have to deal with self-absorbed parents. Confidence is a skill we learn. You can make yourself feel better about yourself and your life but it will require work and things that are hard to do and that others may not like.

If she throws a fit, she throws a fit. Walk away. You do NOT have to stay and watch her be angry. When parents are unhappy, you don't HAVE to stay around them. You are not her only child, or her only resource.

Hang in there, keep taking baby steps, and know that you deserve better treatment and happiness.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Also, consider either A. talking to her doctors anyway - how will she know? Or B. not talking to her doctors. Not overseeing her medicine, not taking her places. Don't let her rule your life.

I know how very hard this is. My husband cannot say no to his mother. Thankfully, she lives 800 miles away. That is his boundary. He knows he could not have her in his house. He would go crazy.

When we moved my mother in with us, I had to realize that there will be times when Mom will be sad or angry and that is just what will happen. I can't make her 100% happy. If she gets angry that I made a yucky meal or won't take her to an expensive restaurant, oh well. No, I don't like the way we all feel. But that feeling passes and life goes on.

Everyone here says you have to have your own space and time. And help from others. That is the only way to survive this journey. I have trouble getting others to help - even people I pay. It sucks that I am the one who must make these extra arrangements or schedule things. But if I am to stay sane, then I must do these things because no one else will.

You have the power within you to set boundaries and you are not responsible for your mother's quality of life. You are responsible for YOUR quality of life.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
If you are doing the caregiving, then you have the RIGHT to talk to docs, otherwise, you CAN'T do the caregiving properly. If she won't let you talk to the docs, then, sorry mom, you need to find someone else to take care of you. Period. End of story. Walk away.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
You need some privacy. If she gets upset and pouts that's her problem. Put a lock on your door. Give her a bedtime. (Would a sleeping pill help? For Her not you.) You are responsible to take reasonable care of her. You are not responsible for her happiness or lack of it if you are not abusing her.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter