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I was a very active member of Agingcare until about a year ago. My crazy family became even more crazy at that time, and I decided I could no longer be of use to other members on the website. My father died three years ago and asked me to take care of my mother. I am the only child who lives near her. During his illness, a great deal of drama occurred. Some of it was due to the fact many family members were thrown together who had only seen each other a few times. Some of the drama was due to sheer meanness on the part of a group of adults. My older physician brother and mother hid my father's recently written medical will at all of the 8 facilities he was in. Dad was very physically ill but was very capable mentally. In the end, I was alone with Dad when he died, my brother's medical license is no longer active, I have been totally shunned by most of my relatives who used Dad's illness as an excuse to party. My mother and I are on fair terms, she is 85 and lives alone on a large farm bought by my father in over 40 years ago, and we stay in touch each morning and each night, often by texting. I grieve daily for all that has happened. I have been accused (never to my face) of stealing, lying, and a host of other issues. Could you share suggestions for dealing with this situation,please? I will provide more details if needed. My son was 17 at the time, took care of my father too, and was a main target of three adults who ridiculed him for his good grades, church involvement, and upcoming salutatorian award. He was by no means a perfect young man, but he was the youngest grandson and was doing a man's job. Thank you for any help you can provide.

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I know this is easier said than done, but emotionally detaching from your family is your best option. You can maintain some contact with them, but stay on superficial topics and simply refuse to engage in any drama. Focus on YOU and YOUR health. Your family sounds toxic and they will only bring you down.
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gladimhere, you asked how much money I was talking about. We are looking at about 2,600 dollars. I had to retire from teaching four years before we had planned,so every penny means something to us. 15 months after my Dad's death, I had a heart attack and other illnesses were discovered at that time.
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I do not recommend giving them the money. Let's backtrack. Have a talk with brother. Tell him what his actions did to father and you when he hid the living will. Tell him that His Actions is still affecting YOUR life. That you Need Closure on this by telling ALL what happened via your FaceBook. I don't see why he should object since it was his actions that got you all into this mess.

In FaceBook, I will just summarize what happened as briefly as possible about how your mom and brother loved father so much, that they hid his living will to try to prolong his life. But, you, out of love for your father, knowing he wanted an end to his suffering, did your best to try to give your father's last wish.

On a separate note, then mention that your brother gave you money after father's passing. This was the cost of the expenses that was suppose to be shared among you siblings and only you and older bro covered that expenses. You don't understand why baby bro now expects you to give him money when he did not even pay for his share. And whatever Leftover Money will be going to pay for the care of your mother.

I agree with the others above. Baby bro needs money and he will get it by any means possible. You give in to this, he will come back again for another reason...like eventually that you're not taking good care of mom and so he's going to take over, etc....or something similar. Don't give in if you are in the right.
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how much money are you talking about? Why would you give it back to your bro? If it is going to keep the peace and not a large sum, then go ahead. But, it doesn't sound to me like it would. Is it a bribe of some sort. If you give it back will it really help anything?
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NO! You should defend yourself, and protect your own family from crazy selfish people like your brother.
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I just wanted to add an update. My younger brother and his wife ( both are younger by at least ten years) started drama by saying they wanted money that my brother gave me after my Dad died. I paid for so many minor and major expenses and no one else paid their share. All three of my siblings were making at least twice what I made each year. My brother had told me he wanted no more contact with me about a year ago. So, this request made me furious ---- something I rarely demonstrate. I pointed out how unfair they all were about paying their share when they could afford it, and how much they had lied ,and I asked him to evaluate what our father would think of him. I now understand why my father trusted me during his illness instead of the others. I informed him that enough was enough. I would be courteous if we had to be together for mother. Otherwise, I would take out restraining order if he or his vicious wife contacted me or my family in any way. A message that had to be sent could be sent through my older brother only if necessary. I think the family is in shock but Mother seems to be fine with me. I will remember the little brother whose soccer team I helped to coach, and the little brother I looked after when we were packed off to relatives, but I will no longer be bullied by him. I have just had enough after four years of unkindness. My husband and I will give him the money, as we can afford it, but we have tolerated all we will tolerate. Did I go too far?
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I've seen some of you on the Caregiver and Dysfunctional Families thread. It is one everyone should check out. I absolutely detest that word bully! I have been, and from the sounds of it others have as well. And I have been accused of financial exploitation by sibs. They went so far as to call APS, and mail a letter, that I got a copy of several months later that actually spelled out specific examples of how I was exploiting! I had never been so shocked in my life that a sib would outright lie just to gain favor themselves, while trying to make me look like a criminal. It will come back on them shortly, and they will lose all credibility. The letter does show their level of desperation, I'm almost afraid to learn why in the world they would do something like this. What are they trying to hide?
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In your shoes, I would probably want to communicate, if there are one or two somewhat open-minded relatives. Talk it over with your therapist before you send anything, of course.

It might help you to write up what happened, what you were accused of, and why you did what you did. Even if you never send it, putting it down formally and rereading it to try to make it accurate and calm might be a good exercise. If there are a few people worth talking to, and if you decide to send it, use snail mail. No one will be able to resist opening it and reading it.

The more I hear about other people's families, the less dysfunctional mine looks! I am so glad you and your son are doing well.
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Thank you to those of you who answered since my second post. Yes, I am in therapy for the PTSD which started way before Dad's illness. I was very ill when I retired unexpectedly two years ago from teaching. I was given a partially sighted dog who has helped so much. We have rescued two more dogs. I am going to add some of your suggestions to my growing list. Their drama doesn't have to be mine. I will remind myself and others of that when situations occur. Jinx, you asked what I need now. You are correct when you guessed that I am still in pain. The little brother I helped to raise sent me a text that instructed me to never contact him again, ever. Also, I wish someone knew my side regarding all of the accusations. No one ever accused me directly to my face. It was always in texts and emails. I think I could put this to rest if I communicated my side of the story in some way. I don't want to have a relationship with many of my relatives anymore. They have hurt me too much. I have a strong support group in ,my friends and church. I just want to close this chapter in my life, look after my mother when I am needed, and begin a new life. My son has graduated from college and has married. He communicates with my mother and oldest brother but is indifferent to everyone else. They have lost his respect. He is emotionally healthy. I am working toward living a new life. Any help given will be greatly appreciated.
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My family is somewhat crazy too and aging and dementia makes it worse. Keep your head up, protect yourself, get some support, and try to put the drama in perspective. Their drama does not have to be yours. I know easier said than done- but you are doing the right thing by your mother and in time you may be required to do more. You need to take care of yourself so you can take care of her.
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ShadowChild1,

I am guessing that with your line of work, you have gotten some therapy at some point in your life. If you are not already way too familiar with alcoholic issues, I would recommend Al Anon, where you can learn how to protect yourself from the "stinking thinking" of people under the influence. Even relatives who don't drink to excess are prone to "alcoholic" ways of reacting. I found it enormously helpful.

What is the main problem right now? Are you still feeling wounded by how you were treated? That sort of pain can linger for years, I know. Are these people interfering with your life today? Do they call or write with their poison? How can we help you?

You certainly are not alone.
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Thank you for your comments. The issue with my mother is that she is with the rest of the others when she is around them, but is usually somewhat loving with me when they are not with her. She deliberately hid my Dad's living will, but rarely visited him as the doctors requested.Dad suffered. Eventually the doctors stopped talking to anyone but me, and I did not have POA. My mother did. I have attempted to divorce my family ( Good Suggestion, Standing Alone ) . My older brother, the doctor, has apologized for what he put me through, and we are on decent terms. I think both of us have Mom's best interests at heart. She has become a hoarder and has always been narcissistic. A lack of reality is not present with her, but it is not always present with my older brother. That's what cost him his license. He would not listen to any of his peers or follow the rules.
I taught children with emotional issues for 35 years until I had a stress related heart attack two years ago. I am beginning to feel that I am in the middle of a classroom of adults with emotional problems. My mother is amazingly well and active for someone her age, she acts like she is 70, but has decided her age allows her to be as mean as she wants to be. Alcohol plays a large role in all of this situation.
Basically, a great deal of cruelness has been displayed in all of the people involved with the exception of my older brother. His second wife left him when his medical license was placed on a lapsed status. He is someone who needs as much love as possible...really more than my mother. He just wanted to save my father even when Dad didn't want to be saved. It wasn't out of cruelty.
I am the main person who is able to help Mom and will do so with as much love as I can. I have been ripped apart by all of this and have been diagnosed with PTSD. I just need to hear I am not alone as a caretaker, and these answers have helped.
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The last time I was accused of stealing, I whipped out the financial records - on the spot, since I kept them clean as a whistle - and the checkbook, said, "You have 72 hours to tear those to shreds. Then I need them back .. here, sign for them .. so that I can continue with my duties." When I got them back, and I did, I asked, "WHY did you think such a thing of me?" I got NO answer. To this day, I have no clue, but those people aren't in my life, either. Trust is a two-way street. We can speak all the rationales in the world about why we keep people in our lives, but in the end, it's our own sense of well-being that keeps us in whatever relationships we're in. When those relationships no longer work for us, it's time to close that door and move on .. either emotionally or physically .. or risk our very health and stability.
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The only solution that I would ever have in a situation like yours, where relatives make you feel like nothing but shit, and include your kid in their malice...divorce them out of your world. Family? What family? That isn't family, that's a group of bullies. Who respects a bully? Good freaking riddance. What's DNA got to do with anything? If they're losers, they're losers and that's that. Be done with them once and for all and life will be good...
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I agree with Nancy that your Mom is the only one who matters.
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Shadow, first of all... your mom texts? How cool is that? ha Second of all, what does your mother think about all the drama in the family? Does this ruin your relationship with her, or is she on board with you? A lot depends on the answer to that question I think. Because if mom is ok with you, and the poison isn't ruining your relationship with her, then I think I'd let the rest go. I tend to worry about the one that's the oldest and is the most vulnerable right now, and that seems to be your mom. You just may be needing to get a thicker skin and tell them to 'bite me' at some point. Kudos on your son being awesome. That's a reflection of good parenting, so who cares what the negative nelly's are saying?
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