I've been accused of stealing, lying, and a host of other issues. Could you share suggestions for dealing with this situation, please?
I was a very active member of Agingcare until about a year ago. My crazy family became even more crazy at that time, and I decided I could no longer be of use to other members on the website. My father died three years ago and asked me to take care of my mother. I am the only child who lives near her. During his illness, a great deal of drama occurred. Some of it was due to the fact many family members were thrown together who had only seen each other a few times. Some of the drama was due to sheer meanness on the part of a group of adults. My older physician brother and mother hid my father's recently written medical will at all of the 8 facilities he was in. Dad was very physically ill but was very capable mentally. In the end, I was alone with Dad when he died, my brother's medical license is no longer active, I have been totally shunned by most of my relatives who used Dad's illness as an excuse to party. My mother and I are on fair terms, she is 85 and lives alone on a large farm bought by my father in over 40 years ago, and we stay in touch each morning and each night, often by texting. I grieve daily for all that has happened. I have been accused (never to my face) of stealing, lying, and a host of other issues. Could you share suggestions for dealing with this situation,please? I will provide more details if needed. My son was 17 at the time, took care of my father too, and was a main target of three adults who ridiculed him for his good grades, church involvement, and upcoming salutatorian award. He was by no means a perfect young man, but he was the youngest grandson and was doing a man's job. Thank you for any help you can provide.
I taught children with emotional issues for 35 years until I had a stress related heart attack two years ago. I am beginning to feel that I am in the middle of a classroom of adults with emotional problems. My mother is amazingly well and active for someone her age, she acts like she is 70, but has decided her age allows her to be as mean as she wants to be. Alcohol plays a large role in all of this situation.
Basically, a great deal of cruelness has been displayed in all of the people involved with the exception of my older brother. His second wife left him when his medical license was placed on a lapsed status. He is someone who needs as much love as possible...really more than my mother. He just wanted to save my father even when Dad didn't want to be saved. It wasn't out of cruelty.
I am the main person who is able to help Mom and will do so with as much love as I can. I have been ripped apart by all of this and have been diagnosed with PTSD. I just need to hear I am not alone as a caretaker, and these answers have helped.
I am guessing that with your line of work, you have gotten some therapy at some point in your life. If you are not already way too familiar with alcoholic issues, I would recommend Al Anon, where you can learn how to protect yourself from the "stinking thinking" of people under the influence. Even relatives who don't drink to excess are prone to "alcoholic" ways of reacting. I found it enormously helpful.
What is the main problem right now? Are you still feeling wounded by how you were treated? That sort of pain can linger for years, I know. Are these people interfering with your life today? Do they call or write with their poison? How can we help you?
You certainly are not alone.
It might help you to write up what happened, what you were accused of, and why you did what you did. Even if you never send it, putting it down formally and rereading it to try to make it accurate and calm might be a good exercise. If there are a few people worth talking to, and if you decide to send it, use snail mail. No one will be able to resist opening it and reading it.
The more I hear about other people's families, the less dysfunctional mine looks! I am so glad you and your son are doing well.
In FaceBook, I will just summarize what happened as briefly as possible about how your mom and brother loved father so much, that they hid his living will to try to prolong his life. But, you, out of love for your father, knowing he wanted an end to his suffering, did your best to try to give your father's last wish.
On a separate note, then mention that your brother gave you money after father's passing. This was the cost of the expenses that was suppose to be shared among you siblings and only you and older bro covered that expenses. You don't understand why baby bro now expects you to give him money when he did not even pay for his share. And whatever Leftover Money will be going to pay for the care of your mother.
I agree with the others above. Baby bro needs money and he will get it by any means possible. You give in to this, he will come back again for another reason...like eventually that you're not taking good care of mom and so he's going to take over, etc....or something similar. Don't give in if you are in the right.