I have been caring for mom for about 4 years now on my own without any help. I am 47, married and have no children. About 1 year ago we added onto our house and my mom moved in with us. She is in a wheelchair but is mentally fine. I work a fulltime job. Recently have been put on a minimum of 50 hours of work per week. I get up at 3:30am everyday but Sunday. I work all day then exercise for 1 to 1 1/2 hours a day, come home and face laundry, cooking, cleaning, 2 cats, and my husband who I rarely talk to or see anymore. I am getting to the end of my rope. I have tried to take prozac but do not like the side affects and it does not help with the aggression. I take zanax but it just makes me sleepy. Help, I dont know what to do anymore. I mentioned going to see a psychhiatrist for help but my husband said that is when he will leave me.
You need a break and I don't know how you get that. Maybe make a date with husband on your Sunday (let everything else go) and reconnect --on mom, no work, no phones, no agenda. Just a quiet lunch and go to a movie, museum, Barnes and noble; someplace peaceful and quiet. Re energize.
See how that goes. Then take some time and make a list of what has to get done, what is most meaningful...can you hire a housekeeper once a week or twice monthly? Can husband do more chores to balance the load? Can mom do some laundry or maybe just run the vacuum? What is she capable of?
Can mom, husband each make one dinner per week? Can you have one pizza night so no major dishes, prep etc? Sandwich night?
What is causing the irritability? Moms interference, moms presence cramping your style? Husband is irritable or difficult since mom moved in? Your job is too much? Lack of me-time?
Some of these things can be alleviated or improved with small changes or adaptations. Drugs can help if you have a chemical imbalance or are overwhelmed, but you still need to understand and work on the root cause as a long term solution if you can. Keeping up your current pace with the stress even with drugs is a train to burnout and possibly a breakdown.
Take a look at the page name for this thread. Includes: "caregiver-control-constant-mood-swims"
Made me laugh SO hard. Hope it adds a lighter moment to everyone else.
Do you have an outside job? Do you ever get to go out and have fun? What would you wish for to make your life better? Think about even things that seem impossible. If you figure out what you want, maybe we can brainstorm a good substitute!
Hormones are big drivers. Gyno can give you something for mood swings.
Great that you are working out, working 50 hour weeks is not atypical, I often work more, NOT to minimize waking at 3:30 am 6 of 7 days would have me postal! Speaking of that, are you getting enough sleep?
I do think you would do well if your husband and was more understanding. He does not want you to have someone to talk to? Who are you Tony Soprano? Is he worried you will give up "family" secrets in therapy.
Maybe hubby can help with laundry, mom can fold? Maybe you can drop off at the wash and fold? Maybe you can buy more underwear and staples and do laundry less often?
Can you afford a housekeeper at least once a month for the heavy stuff? Maybe you can ignore some chores?
Will cooking big and freezing leftovers allow you to cut cooking in half?
Implement pizza night once a week? Use paper plates?
Lastly, take time for a date at least once a month!
I think you are overwhelmed, maybe perimenopausal....I would try to get help or cut back everyday chores before I moved on to meds.
Best of luck,
L
As you can see from the answers already posted, there are MANY possible treatments for depression, for anxiety, for other emotional/mental difficulties. We could all tell you our own wonderful and awful experiences. That wouldn't help you decide the right treatment for you. Yes, your primary doctor can prescribe one drug after another. After a really disastrous experience, I vowed never again to take any "mind" drug except as prescribed by an expert. I mentioned some symptoms to my primary doctor while I was caregiving and she said, sympathetically, "It is perfectly understandable that you are depressed. Here is a prescription for an antidepressant." I stuck to my vow and saw a psychiatrist instead. I had to fill out a 5-page questionnaire, bring it in and talk to the psychiatric nurse for an hour before I could see the doctor. She asked further questions. She prescribed 2 antidepressants, explained why she prescribed 2 and why she chose those particular ones. She also had me set up counselling sessions with a therapist. I have to see the psychiatrist very 3 months to get my prescriptions renewed. Compare that to the internist who simply offered me a prescription after a ten minute conversation, and never followed up to see if I was taking them, if they were helping, or if they made things worse.
I don't think that mental health is anything to fool around with, and if you want to see an expert (a perfectly reasonable desire in my book) then that is what you should do.
I also agree with the others that you are trying to do far too much, and I understand that impulse, too. And when your time is totally committed it can be threatening to give up some of the commitments. What can give a little with the least distress to you? I suggest giving up 90 minutes of exercise per week to make time for therapy, and giving up an hour of laundry a week to have some time to yourself. Your husband does know how to run a wash and drier, right? Or rearrange your schedule however it is most comfortable for you, so that you can get therapy and also have some down time to do whatever you feel like doing.
Sorry to be so hard on your husband, but that kind of attitude really presses all my hot buttons!
Why does your husband react so strongly to your seeing a therapist? What exactly is his big concern? Fear of his marriage being exposed of him controlling you or his being guilty of something? Fear of you on drugs? Is your husband supportive at all in other matters?
I strongly suggest a therapist. Even if you go once a month it will be worth it.
Find helpers so you don't carry the load. Try www.elderhelpers.org Inexpensive volunteer organization: for cooking, laundry, cleaning, errands, and keeping your mother company. It is all over the country. Let us know how you are. We all feel for you and support you in your desperate call for being free again.
I would gladly take something if it would allow me to deal with her antics more easily!
I see a therapist every single week and it is the ONLY thing that has kept me sane after 10 years of caring for relatives. It is a release and an outlet to be able to sit down with a sane person and express your feelings and have no judgements placed against you for feeling totally overwhelmed! Caregiving takes an enormous toll on you and NO ONE other than another caregiver realizes exactly how difficult and demanding it is, physically, mentally and emotionally. Your husband is way off on this and I am trying with all my might to be kind in my statements about him and his response to your NEEDS.
When I was going through a horrific time after my daughters birth and dealing with panic and anxiety, working a 50 hour work week to survive and then having my husband tell me he wanted a divorce, I sought a psychiatrist/pharmacologist who prescribed a medication called "Pamelor." I found out later that a woman in my office also took it because she was dealing with cancer and the emotional ups and downs. This medication was a God Send, it really was, it leveled everything out and made it easier to deal with irate patients at work and everything happening at home. As a matter of fact while on it, I was given all the really hard bitchy patients who were irate over being billed for services because I COULD HANDLE ANY SITUATION WITHOUT A HITCH! IT IS A MIRACLE DRUG, I KID YOU NOT! No morning "hang over sleepiness" it was good!
My husband got mad at me while on it however because I was no longer the crazy lady who got on the phone and yelled at incompetent people for him....haha, now he had to do it, because I was nice and calm.
I have taken all the same meds that you have and I can honestly say Pamelor is the best by far!
As far as your Mom goes, she does not want to be in this shape nor does she want to have to rely on you, circumstances have just brought this all about, it is not her fault. I know she has become another weight around your neck, but please try to be kind to her. Once you are on a medication that can help you cope, you will feel a 1000% better and hopefully able to deal with your life calmly. I am sure Mom, your husband, work associates and you....will like yourself a whole lot more!
If you can afford some help at home, I would suggest it, because even if you take the medication, 50 hours of work each week is too much and you need some rest.
God Bless You! I have been exactly where you are and lived through it!
Mmiralla...donate the high heels to the goodwill and tell your mom that it was time. A fall could make things 10 times worse, not to mention the guilt you would feel.
The problem is, you are trying to do more than one person can do. Was your marriage better before your mother came to live with you? If so, then some joint counseling may help, if he'll go. You aren't alone if you regret asking your mother to move in. This works for some people, but not for all. She may be wonderful, but you have to much on your hands. Sorting this out will take time, but if losing your marriage and your health aren't in your plans, you need to make changes.
Your mom may do well in assisted living. That could give you emotional room to work on your marriage and take care of yourself. You would still be her advocate. You would still see her. But your life could come back from the chaos. If you have a religious affiliation, please talk with someone there. You need support badly.
Take care of yourself, please.
Carol