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Too bad you didn't know this was how it was going to be before you bought a home together, huh?
I would say for starters, stop letting your mom boss you around. You tell her how often you will drive her places -- she doesn't get to demand chauffeur service any time she wants it. Speak respectfully to her, as you would any housemate, and insist that she do the same with you. Leave the room when gets sarcastic, etc.Help her when she really needs help, but you are her daughter and her housemate, not her servant. Reestablish the appropriate roles.
Spend less time with her. Do you work? Would a parttime job be a good thing? How about volunteer work? Something to get you out of the house and among reasonable people who treat each other well.
Sit down and have frank conversation. Set boundaries and stick to it. If it isn't working out, tell her you will move out. If you own the house together, then you will be responsible for the mortagage with her. So if that is the case, remind her, if she can't abide by the new rules or boundaries, you will move and she will have to buy you out or you will put the house for sale. Stick to it. Life is too short and you can't continue to subject yourself to the misery and shouldn't; mother or not.
In the short term, find a way to leave the house or make your room your sanctuary. Start going out and find new activities that make you happy and give you more time away from each other - library, walks, a class, support group for caregivers, book club, dining out, etc.
I am sorry you are going through this, we think that caring for our elders will be happy, full of love and memory making.....memories are made all right, not all good ones either! My husband and I are working through that with my mean, hateful, sarcastic, blaming, hypochondriac of a MIL, I hear she is a "gray haired sweet little Christian lady" YEAH RIGHT-the people that say that haven't lived with her and had lotion bottles flung at them. ie: We asked her to keep a running list on the fridge of her specific needs/brands (ones that we wouldn't have in our household) and when we went to grocery once a week we would take her list with us. Of course it took about 9 weeks of "no list" then hearing her complain 10 hrs a day until she finally figured out we were serious and we weren't going to beg her for her list. I did that twice and learned that she called family to say I physically forced her to write the list. I think that no matter what....if at all possible, making someone responsible for their choices/outcomes is the way to go. It is really hard for her, but she now knows that we shop 1 x week (except TRUE RX emergencies), I do her 3 loads of laundry 1 x week...etc. She swore we never made guidelines....so we typed them up and posted them on fridge, even had her acknowledge by signing. I would recommend whatever house rules you come up with that you type it and post it, even have her sign it (which is the only way my MIL would admit we ever told her). Your house, your rules....the key is consistency and no idle threats, just like with a toddler.
Your Mother was wonderful until she moved in with you? Wow. People do not change. Surely you remember this behavior while you were growing up. I, too, thought when I brought my Mother to live with me and took her out of the big bad care home that we would finally have the idyllic relationship I always wanted. Time to get real. I took her back after 1 1/2 years. Amazing I survived it. Battle scars linger. But I did it and learned my lesson! Whew. All good advice above. Take the good and use it. Lay down the law. Moving out sounds good to me and let HER pick a roommate. Leave her alone for a few weeks. Nasty should NOT be rewarded anytime. Also, do a search of other threads here on same problem. It is endless. The suggestions and advice are endless:( I don't have anything new to say. Take care of yourself, xo
I would respond to this, but to be honest, I am tired to responding to questions where the person who started it never responds back. Maybe I'm just having a bad a day, seriously, what happened to courtesy?
Uh oh, SharynMarie:( maybe she will respond tomorrow. Our time zones are all different. I send you a back rub and a hug, dear one. Take care of yourself. No worries, Ok? xoxo
I think everyone gave some good suggestions. SharynMarie, with all sincerity, and you know that I am saying this with sincerity, but...I believe you're definitely stressed out and it's showing! I did a quick look at Greekgal's profile. It seems she can only come online every 2 or 3 days. So my estimate is that she will be able to come online roughly by tomorrow or on a weekday. (One poster, when her computer got a virus, was only able to come online to AC when the library opens and she could use the computer.) So take a deep breath from your nose, and slowly release from your mouth. Relax.... I'll send you a HUG...
Greekgal60......You show her the door! Let her see firsthand that the grass is not always greener somewhere else. Once she leaves, be it to a NH, Assisted Living, Retirement Community, or her own home...be sure you stay away for awhile. Only then will she come to the realization that she had it pretty good living with you, and not everyone responds well to sarcasim (as someone will surely set her straight). Although, my feeling is that she only acts this way around you. Good luck.
greekgal60 Myprayers to you. This caring for our elders is not an easy job but first and formost we caregivers are not to be used as verbal punching bags or to be used in anyway. I read somewhere that the relationship I "missed" as a kid will not happen during this time. That helped me understand what was happening. Anyway, Mother is cold, indifferent and self centered. No different then what she was when I was a kid. She thinks the world spins around her. She has always felt that way. Why am I taking care of Mom? No one else wanted to upset thier life to make sure this cold, harsh, selfish woman is safe. There is nothing in "it" for me and my husband. Nothing. As she looses her battle with the aging process, she becomes more and more abrasive. When it is my turn to grow old I will be alone. My husband is the one taking care of Mom most of the time, I work full time to keep the $$ coming in. Look this is no picnic no one promised me smooth sailing, no one promised me anything when it comes to taking care of my mother. When her remarks get too hurtful I have the freedom to walk out of the room, and I do. When she starts acting like a 15 year old, hubby and I go to our living space and leave her alone to her own misery. Hubby and I talk alot about how to manage ourselves together. I am very luck I have my husband and we are a team in this process. We take afternoons on the weekend to be alone, together. Right now Mom does not need us to feed, bathe her. But that will come in time. This is not the best of situations and we feel we are stuck in time but we are getting this done. All of us are getting this done. But know your limits, believe in who you are, you hav e the right to set limits, boundries, to protect yourself. If your budget will allow get to a therapist. Remember the ten commandments only speak of honoring your mother and father. There is nothing written anywhere that you have to like them. That was the biggest guilt trip I put on myself. But that is over. My husband and myself work at treating Mom with respect and kindness to the best of our ability we are human so we just walk out of the room when she gets too much. I have rambled on again. I hope somewhere in this something struck a cord of help for you. You are in my prayers. And many hugs learn to breath
I just discovered this website - So comforting to know I am not the only one with a mean, spiteful, sarcastic mother. Just wanted to thank you all for your thoughtful responses to greekgal60 - they helped me as well. Does anyone have any experience with a demented elder using the telephone as a weapon? For the past 6 mos. my mother has called me 50-100 times daily at home and work demanding her car and checkbook back - not appropriate for her to have either one. I let many calls go to voicemail, but always listen to the messages on the off chance there's actually an emergency. She is rude and nasty. It is consuming my family, my co-workers and my psyche. We are in the process of figuring next step for living arrangements (currently lives alone two blocks away with daily help from us for meds, mail, shopping, etc). For the short term, can't take the phone away and can't get her to stop with the calls. I understand sheis frustrated and unhappy, and have tried to address this in a kind and gentle way, but kind and gentle conversations quickly turn mean, loud and nasty UGGH.
LadyDi3, sounds like you have a narcissist on your hands......there are lots of threads on this site to help you with that. One also addresses that commandment you mentioned, however, "honoring" them does not mean you have to put up with abuse from them. On the whole it sounds as though you are doing a very good job and you have a supportive husband (lucky you!!) Hoopcat, I am sorry to hear about your situation, but if I were you, I would make sure I kept recordings of some of those phone calls -- you may need them someday. Please protect yourself! and be mindful of the fact that she might use that phone to report you to an elder care agency.
If it wasn't for this site and the postings I have read about difficult elderly parents, I would have taken steps to plan on my mother coming to live with me in the future. Now that will never happen. My mother will have to plan a diiferent living arrangement for her future. If she doesn't make choices and procrastinates she may end up in a place not to her liking. I am so grateful to everyone that help me open my eyes and not end up taking on an impossible responsibilitity.
Hoopcat, you seem to have a good handle on the situation with your mom. have you considered talking to her doc, to get some tests run to find out exactly what you are dealing with. I found with my mother, she too uses the phone as a weapon. but we live with her. she calls my siblings with "stories" of what is going on. We told her she shouldn't drive anymore, explaining her reaction time is limited now. She has twisted 'that' around. We no longer explain ourselves to anyone anymore. Anyway, set limits,boundries telling her if there is an emergancy you will be there, otherwise you are going to simply ignore all other calls. After a while she will get bored and realize you mean what you say. Taking care of your mom at this point in her life, is like taking care of a 10 year old that will never get any older, emotionally. She is looking for attention, and for her, negative attention is better then what she precieves as no attention at all. My mother loves the drama all of her actions creates, so we do not play anymore. this took 2 years of living with her for us to "get" this....We pick our battles with mom. We only focus on the things that will keep us and her safe. I am lucky enough to have a close friend who works in a nursing home and when things get very nasty, I ask her what the heck is going on. Most of moms actions are for attention. I have been told ignore them. About stopping the calls at work?!!! That is a touchy one, you are working, is your job being threatened by all of these calls? Protect yourself. You come first, your immediate family comes first. End of conversation on that one. Like I have said this is no picnic. But there is plenty of help out there. maybe someone on this site can come up with some workable ideas for all the phone calls to take the pressure off from you. You are a caring and loving child of a frightened confused human. Take care of yourself in all of this. Hugs to you.
As I have stated before on other threads, be very careful with a mother like this and her weapon of choice, the phone. Some people say just ignore them. I don't agree. My mom and her phone weapon wound up involving lawyers for me to protect myself from her.
seven13 thank you for responding to my rambling. It is good to know all of you are out there. this site has helped myself and so many others. And I agree with you, Hubby and I will continue to work as a team, I am very lucky in that way. We will give mom the respect and care she needs but we are not punching bags for her. Thank you
Hoopcat.....You could turn the tables and start calling her 50 times a day....lol. Call her before she wakes in the morning and call her when you know she has retired for the night. Of course this could turn out to be a battle of wills. Maybe you could try answering the phone and then blow a loud whistle in her ear. Of course, I am being a tad bit sarcastic......but she is way out of line. Does she know the story about the little boy who cried wolf? Maybe you should remind her. Please keep us up to speed about what is happening with her. You are a wonderful daughter and you deserve better than this treatment. I'm sending good Karma your way and a big hug : )
My grandmother became not only abusive but violent as her Alzheimer's proceeded. Talk about stress! My own mother has a tendency like yours sometimes out of fear and frustration. I told her that there was a new rule- she could say anything she liked that was as hateful as she wanted it to be but that she'd have to put it in writing. I got her some big writing pads and pens. At first, she did write long 12 page things going on and on making horrid remarks and even bringing up stuff I did as a kid. I didn't have to read it nor do you. She can get it out of her system this way and you can tear it up and avoid reading it. I did read some of it. Finally, she actually looked at one of them after I sat down at a family dinner with other relatives one Sunday and started reading it out loud. I think for the first time she actually "heard herself" and looked ashamed. The letters turned unexpectedly sweet.
I have made a point of giving her positive attention and praise and starting positive conversations. People like this are very insecure. Often they have received the same treatment at some point in life. They have to be retrained.
With my grandmother, well, it's the Alzheimer's talking though she has always been somewhat sharp-tongued.
If mobility is your mother's only problem, great! Was she sarcastic and rude before you bought a house together. Check out Birmingham's senior day care centers and maybe they have buses to come pick her up. Once she gets among others with similar problems, she can vent to them. Nothing cures a grumpy person than to hear about someone else's aches and pains. Whenever she is mistreating you, leave the room or house. Tell her you will not allow her to abuse you and then threaten to leave for good. That one statement usually gets an abusive person thinking, "What would I do alone?" AL is a lovely state and I stayed one year in Daphne visiting with my remaining uncle. You will find people in AL are more than willing to help you. Just seek them out.
This is a situation that can come on an adult child who becomes caregiver without warning. That is because there are medical conditions that cause personality changes. Once you find yourself in such a place I know the feeling of helplessness that comes with it. I suggest siblings giving you a break now and then if possible or here where live we have the option of an adult day care.
LadyDi3: thank you for sharing so much insight about your own situation - I found it so helpful. I can't imagine living under the same roof with my mother - You nailed it on the head - she is like a 10 year old! Her diagnosis is "mixed dementia - vascular/possible Alzheimer's". I am fortunate to have a supportive husband- employer/coworkers are sympathetic about the calls, but we are all tired and frustrated. It is hard not to get sucked in and take it all personally - I am working on it!! Loved your "punching bag " comment - so true, but so hard to keep a clear head when under attack. I am not always proud of my own behavior, either. She pushes every one of my buttons . AlwaysMyDuty - It sounds like your situation got way out of control!! My mother threatens to call the police on me every day - for the day she finally does it - I have the POA handy, as well as the Drs written statement that she is no longer competent. I can see how things could easily get out of hand... Beautifulsc - thAnkyou for making me LOL - not doing enough of that lately - the return phone calls and whistle are so tempting :-) I met with a Geriatric Care Manager last week and she is going to help us figure out the best place for my mother. I am happy to have some guidance since I have been rather paralyzed as things have gone downhill. She will meet with my mother for the first time on Thursday, which will be REALLY interesting. Will she be her usual crabby self, or will she put on her nice face - we'll see. Again, my thanks to ALL of you for the kind words, hugs and for sharing your experiences. I feel much less alone and much less guilty than I did this morning ...
Greekgal and everyone who has posted here, I should not have written the post I posted earlier. I do apologize and Book is right, I am stressed out right now and didn't realize I how much til I read my post a day later. Hugs to everyone!!
sharynmarie is takes a special kind of person to admit they may have made an error in judgement. Don't worry about it. You are stressed out and it is not easy to think clearly when at one's wits end. Hugs to you!
My Mother has been vindictive, spiteful, hateful, treats me like I'm her indentured servant.. I am now planning on moving out to get away from her.. My 3 other siblings don't have anything to do with her any longer and she will waste away in this no where place.. Obviously not what I was looking for but I've got no choice at this point. If you have an abusive parent... My advice... RUN!!
cbs1970m Don't ever apologize for speaking the truth on how you feel. We are not here to judge you, just to help. I am living the same nightmare with my mother and since we are being truthful, not a day or night goes by that I don't wish that she would die peacefully in her bed. Unless you've lived in our shoes, don't even think about voicing any negative opinions about our life!!!!
It sounds like a lot of you have found YOUR voices. But, all that anger will only hurt you. Best to channel it into exercise, meditation, or time away from your loved one who is ill. Get a project you can work on alone or with friends with whom you can share your feelings, seek professional counseling, or just go shopping and talk to strangers. Talking with strangers has been shown to lift one's spirit and relieve some of the stress. (I carry on more conversations in the grocery store with strangers and find out some helpful information, so try it). Best wishes to all of us taking care of our loved one. It ain't easy, is it?
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
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I would say for starters, stop letting your mom boss you around. You tell her how often you will drive her places -- she doesn't get to demand chauffeur service any time she wants it. Speak respectfully to her, as you would any housemate, and insist that she do the same with you. Leave the room when gets sarcastic, etc.Help her when she really needs help, but you are her daughter and her housemate, not her servant. Reestablish the appropriate roles.
Spend less time with her. Do you work? Would a parttime job be a good thing? How about volunteer work? Something to get you out of the house and among reasonable people who treat each other well.
In the short term, find a way to leave the house or make your room your sanctuary. Start going out and find new activities that make you happy and give you more time away from each other - library, walks, a class, support group for caregivers, book club, dining out, etc.
It is really hard for her, but she now knows that we shop 1 x week (except TRUE RX emergencies), I do her 3 loads of laundry 1 x week...etc. She swore we never made guidelines....so we typed them up and posted them on fridge, even had her acknowledge by signing. I would recommend whatever house rules you come up with that you type it and post it, even have her sign it (which is the only way my MIL would admit we ever told her). Your house, your rules....the key is consistency and no idle threats, just like with a toddler.
I, too, thought when I brought my Mother to live with me and took her out of the big bad care home that we would finally have the idyllic relationship I always wanted. Time to get real. I took her back after 1 1/2 years. Amazing I survived it. Battle scars linger. But I did it and learned my lesson! Whew.
All good advice above. Take the good and use it. Lay down the law. Moving out sounds good to me and let HER pick a roommate. Leave her alone for a few weeks. Nasty should NOT be rewarded anytime.
Also, do a search of other threads here on same problem. It is endless. The suggestions and advice are endless:( I don't have anything new to say.
Take care of yourself, xo
SharynMarie, with all sincerity, and you know that I am saying this with sincerity, but...I believe you're definitely stressed out and it's showing! I did a quick look at Greekgal's profile. It seems she can only come online every 2 or 3 days. So my estimate is that she will be able to come online roughly by tomorrow or on a weekday. (One poster, when her computer got a virus, was only able to come online to AC when the library opens and she could use the computer.) So take a deep breath from your nose, and slowly release from your mouth. Relax.... I'll send you a HUG...
Hoopcat, I am sorry to hear about your situation, but if I were you, I would make sure I kept recordings of some of those phone calls -- you may need them someday. Please protect yourself! and be mindful of the fact that she might use that phone to report you to an elder care agency.
I have made a point of giving her positive attention and praise and starting positive conversations. People like this are very insecure. Often they have received the same treatment at some point in life. They have to be retrained.
With my grandmother, well, it's the Alzheimer's talking though she has always been somewhat sharp-tongued.
keep a clear head when under attack. I am not always proud of my own behavior, either. She pushes every one of my buttons .
AlwaysMyDuty - It sounds like your situation got way out of control!! My mother threatens to call the police on me every day - for the day she finally does it - I have the POA handy, as well as the Drs written statement that she is no longer competent. I can see how things could easily get out of hand...
Beautifulsc - thAnkyou for making me LOL - not doing enough of that lately - the return phone calls and whistle are so tempting :-)
I met with a Geriatric Care Manager last week and she is going to help us figure out the best place for my mother. I am happy to have some guidance since I have been rather paralyzed as things have gone downhill. She will meet with my mother for the first time on Thursday, which will be REALLY interesting. Will she be her usual crabby self, or will she put on her nice face - we'll see.
Again, my thanks to ALL of you for the kind words, hugs and for sharing your experiences. I feel much less alone and much less guilty than I did this morning ...