Although my first experience sharing on this page was not pleasant, I still think that is an excellent opportunity to vent our struggles as caregivers. I am suffering from anxiety and depression, apart from having heart, liver condition and others health issues. I've been trying to take care of my mother who is 91 years old and suffering from Alzheimers. I have gone through many stages with her disease. There are now four years already. In the last year, her obsession is growing and already my nerves do not give more. Yesterday I had an anxiety attack. I called for information to place her in a living assistance. Although I will be there to take care of her and make sure that this is a good place,I feel guilty. Today I woke up and the guilt will not let me. She never wanted to go to an assitance living. Although that for my health and her welfare it would be best, I can not do it. I wonder if others have been in this dilemma and what resolution was taken. Please advice.
about 5 yrs ago she had a manic episode that took 4 months to recover from and it landed her in AL . she hated every moment of it and wanted to go home . understandable enough -- BUT my life was frozen in time for the purpose of staying in her home with her . i tried to get her to live in my new house so i could continue pursuing my own dreams . she flatly refused and even admitted how selfish it was of her . in hindsight i have little to feel guilty about . i gave one hell of a lot more than she was willing to sacrifice . gotta think about how your parents would perform if they were on the giving end instead of the receiving end .
my parents werent caregivers for their parents and possibly didnt have the patience it requires .
If you die from the stress of caregiving, who is going to be there to make sure she's okay? You are much more valuable to your mom as her advocate. She can get good supervision and nursing care from the professionals in a facility, but only YOU can be her daughter.
I hope that you can receive this advice with the love with which it was sent.
So you are definitely not alone!
My husband had dementia. He would have liked me to promise him never to put him in a home. I couldn't make that promise. I said, "I promise to never abandon you. I will always be there for you. It it ever becomes necessary for you to go to a care center I will continue to be a central part of your life. I will advocate for you. My goal is to always see that you have the best care possible."
And I think that is key: Seeing that our loved ones have the best care possible.
You say "Although that for my health and her welfare it would be best, I can not do it." In other words you are sacrificing what is best for both of you just so you can avoid the uncomfortable (and totally irrational) feeling of guilt. Is that what you really want to do?
I suggest you find some other ways to cope with the guilt feelings, ways that allow you to still do what is best for Mother and for you. Counseling comes to mind. Joining a caregiver support group is another option.
My mother lived with my sister for a little over a year before her dementia and physical problems became too much to handle at home. She has been in a nursing home for a year now. The sister who had to make the decision "I can't do this anymore" was pretty devastated for a few months. She felt guilty. She felt regret. She wished Mother could still live with her. But she got through those feelings. She visits at least weekly, as do all four of us daughters. Mother still has dementia and her mobility issues are worse. But she is thriving in this environment of lots of activity choices and round-the-clock care.
Please don't deprive your mother of what is best for her just to avoid bad feelings yourself.
Please note that my boss' wife had Alzheimer for 15 years. Would you survive for another 5 or 10 years? I realize your Mom is 91, but if her over all health is good except for memory issues, she could live for many more years.
Note that people of her generation have a totally different outlook when it comes to nursing homes, they view them as dark dank pleases with unsmiling places. They don't realize how nice these homes are with pleasant rooms or apartments, central dining, activities, etc. Just think of the new friends she would make, and if she's lived in the area a number of years, who knows maybe there is someone she knew from her past who is living at that nursing home.