Am I doing the right thing?

My case with my FIL, I was given the option of going to the facility for a lunch with him and my wife. Might be a good suggestion, as to get her "feet wet" as it were. Just then she might see lots of other people her age having a good time and could even see herself there..........

Linda, I am also the only child? (age 71 now) left to be responsible for both of my parents, and both with dementias. My Dad is placed, so we've gone the route you are getting ready to travel. As GeeWiz said, to make it easier, you say that the 'doctor' wants her to stay at this place for awhile until she gains her weight back or something. My Dad has been placed for 2 and a 1/2 years now and we got through that beginning stage by saying that his neurologist said he had to stay there, because they were going to help his brain work better..... (not a real lie, since it was his severe agitation that led to him not being able to stay home with Mom....and the doctor DID recommend the placement.) Every once in a while still, he says, ' I just have a question....why am I here....and when do I get out?" We give him the same answers, and he says, "OH....Okay....I was just wondering...." and he's on some good meds and in a calm and happy place. It IS also a good recommendation to NOT go visit immediate and let the staff get your Mom more settled in. You can phone and check on her and do a visit as it's recommended. My Dad is now in a place where he feels it's his home, and we can go take him out for a ride, or to get an ice cream or for lunch or dinner, and he thinks it's a great adventure, but is very happy to walk back in the gate and get back into his space. There were other things with my Dad's dementia, where I said to him...."We are going to try this for 30 days and then if you don't want to do it, we'll change it' and I learned fast, this was a good plan, because the memory won't last for 30 days. We started this when he needed a caregiver, and was NOT having any strangers in his home! By the second week, she and he were buddies and by the end of that 30 days, he was unable to remember when she was not coming to help him! And teaka123's idea of saying you want her to be safe while you have to go on a trip...is also a good one. And, one very hard lesson for me, that several others mentioned above.....the position you are in now, is NO LONGER about making your Mom 'happy' or doing what she 'wants'....you have to get out of that parent --child role. NOW it's about keeping your Mom SAFE first and fore most. Her dementia will not give her the critical thinking abilities to understand that she DOES need help and that she IS going to get worse. She is fading away, as far as her brain sending good information out. She cannot see that she is getting worse or needs help. YES...no matter how bad she would get at home...she will believe that all is fine and she is perfectly safe. This is where I am at currently with my own Mom. We have caregivers 6 hours per day, and I have her on a two camera video/alarm system while we are preparing for her next neuro psych eval to see if it's true that she is getting much worse and is not really 'safe' to be at home. She's really changed over the past 8 months....and now is getting very frustrated at not being able to work the TV remote control, or find the right key to lock her door, gets all worked up in the evening time, as though she is sundowning.....but she doesn't think she needs the care givers and is refusing on her own to have any discussions about leaving her home, so I am just doing my planning, doing the evaluation, and spending down the money until we have to sell the house..... Will be holding back several months worth of $$ for facility fees, so that we have the time to sell the home once she is placed, but her lawyer and I are consistently telling her that when her money runs out, she will have to look at AL. Actually I think for her it will be Memory Care by then....and perhaps we can place her in with my dad, though not in the same room....personality issues.... My goal is that as long as both are alive, perhaps they can be under the same roof, and perhaps we can get them in a facility or smaller group home, closer to me, since I currently live 5 hours away from their town. We have a daughter who lives in Phoenix which is much closer for me to travel than to Tucson, where they are now....so perhaps a placement in Phoenix is what we'll look at. But, to summarize, being a couple years farther out than you are, you ARE doing the right thing. It's just how to make it through the adjustment period! The staff will help you. They have plans to work through this all the time.

click *on* x 2 Bedtime, I think!

gogetter - to post a new question go to the blue banner at the top of the page and click in CAREGIVER FORUM and a menu will drop down. Then click in Ask a Question and you can type or paste your question there.

Gogetter18 you might get some answers here, but you definitely deserve your own thread. Copy all your text and just paste it into a new question.

Sometimes little fibs are ok. Perhaps you could say you are going out of town for a few days and need to make certain she is eating and safe while you are gone. A few days can be extended to a couple of more. Then it can become lets try this out for two months, etc. With my MIL we told her we would try it out for a month. Thankfully, we are entering our fifth month and she hasn't asked to go home and hasn't mention "just trying it out" for the past three. This has been a blessing for us, but believe me she may be in a.l., but she is still plenty of work. May things go well for you and your mom. The good thing about being the only one to make decisions is - you always agree with yourself.

Ooops. My apologies community...and originator of this topic. I am new and made a big mistake it seems on posting my question in a place I should be answering someone elses question. How do I move this to correct place?

I am sooo sorry.

My grandmother is 98 and has outlived all her children. I contantly have contact even though I live 5hrs.away. I recently went away for a week on vacation, and to my surprise I came home and my grandmother had taken a fall. When I called hospital, they said, "nothing but a scraped shoulder, she will be released to go home the next day."

After 3 days of trying to reach her, with every excuse as to why they could not connect me, "I find she had been transferred to a skilled nursing for rehab. Confused, I call rehab, again excuses for 2.5 days of why there is no phone in her room. I finally put my foot down and demanded to speak to supervisor, to see why a scraped elbow needed rehab. The supervisor says, it was a assisted living center."

Not sure as to what,when,where or why ...nor does my grandmother still have any idea, as to why she is there, when she was completely fine the week prior.

Now the story unfolds..in a nutshell, when she fell, my sister, brother and great aunt (my grandmas sister) decided it was the perfect time to deem her incapable of caring for herself and transferred her there without her knowledge or consent.

My grandmother has now informed the hospital and myself she wishes to be released to come home with me, or she will go on a hunger strike. Yet everyone is intercepting.

Although she is extremely old sge has no secere ailments or disease. She is quite strong and amazing. Up until last week when she fell, she was completely aware and still walking indepenently everywhere.

Now, they have her on heavy meds and she is very scared and feels graugy, delerious, and confused.

Soo now, the hospital is deaming her incapable of caring for herself, when I believe it is stress,fear, and heavy medication combined with her age that is the problem.

I too now feel the same as her. My heart is broken, I feel helpless. I want fightbto bring her home, but with all facts in place, an I thinking clearly?
Although they went about this inhumainly, is it time for her to be in ALF? What do I do anout her apartment, if no one is legally a guardian? The landlord wants her rent or is keeping all her belongings (all our history).


Any advice, resources,or guidance? I can use all. This is crunch week.

not other relatives, I meant having fun with other residents.

Linda, she will tell you she is lonely and bored and cry to come home. You call the staff and see how she is doing. We showed up unannounced at Assisted Living and found mom having fun with other relatives. She immediately tried to look pitiful. Keep that in mind.

Linda, rethink your description of the decision. You aren't doing something 'against her will' -- you are doing what is best for her. Few of our folks 'want' to go to a facility. And clearly, someone with dementia will never see the need for it, in her mind, everything is working great. Now, think about your phrases for tomorrow. You WILL not say, hey Mom, I'm putting you in assisted living. You are going to say, hey Mom, the doctor wants you to gain a little weight and have the nurses help you for a time. I'll be visitng often and we are going to get you feeling better. I've brought some of your special items for your room so you can seeall your favorite things. Don't they look nice. And, guess what, they have things going on all the time to help everyone pass the time while they improve! Making the decision on your own or with sibs doesn't make it any easier. BUT with the AL taking the routine tasks, you can be the hero with fun things to do. Be strong and let us know how it goes.

(((((Linda)))))) I have had some of the same feelings though different circumstances as you. Sometimes it appears to come down to a parent's safety vs what you and they think they want. Safety has to come first. There is no contest about that. You are doing the right thing for your mum, and I expect that she will do better there than at home and grow to like it. Be sure to let us know how it turns out,

Yes I have POA which clearly states I have all the powers of a legal guardian. I hate doing this against her will but I need to keep her safe.

Yes, Linda, you are doing the right thing. With Alzheimer's the issues only get worse to a point where your Mom would need care 168 hours per week. It would come to a point where your Mom could outlive you, and that isn't fair.

Elders of your Mom's age group view assisted living very differently than how we view it. They think such places are dark, dank with unsmiling faces. Your Mom might be pleasantly surprised at how nice assisted living/nursing homes are today.

From what I have read on these forums, leaving Mom at the assisted living won't be easy, but the Staff has gone through this hundreds of times, they know what to do. Let your Mom get settled, then don't visit for a couple of weeks while she adjusts. Yes, she probably will pout, beg to come home, etc. which is normal. And yes, you will feel guilty. But it is the right thing to do in your case.

It sounds to me like the right thing to do.

Do you have power of attorney for your mother? Are you her legal guardian? Has she been declared incompetent to make her own decisions? If she is still competent (in the legal sense) then she cannot be held against her will. You may need guardianship to make this work,

But she may settle into her new home just fine. She may like the services and the activities. She may stop being bored and start enjoying her life again. This is worth trying. It may work out well.

But be aware that if insists on leaving you will need legal authority to make decisions for her.