I see quite a few discussions where there is some thought that it's the caregiver that gets the brunt of the bad moods of the person they're caring for. In some cases, the person being cared for tells awful stories about the caregiver.
This morning, my mom was a bit snippy to me. Minutes later, as I brought her some hot tea, she looked so sad, looked up at me and said, 'You're the one that does the most for me and I'm the worst to you." She just looked so unhappy that I knew she was feeling quite bad about being snippy to me.
But I'm curious why this is? Is it because the caregiver and the person they're caring for are spending so much time together that it grates on the sick person's nerves and they lash out? Is it because the caregiver is the symbol of the sick person's long gone independence?
While I am actually pretty understanding about this -- I mean that I don't feel persecuted when she does this as I know it's just part of the disease -- but I'm just curious why this is.
What I mean about being comfortable is that I think she's comfortable that I won't throw her out just because she doesn't toe the line, for example. She's still not comfortable living in someone else's house, even though I remind her that she's now a member of the household. But I know that after years of living on her own she won't feel comfortable with this for quite a long time.
We push people so very hard to be independent and our final reward for that is to have someone else take over and start bossing us around, basically. I think that's a change I'm going to have a hard time with when I'm older, myself.
I think we get the brunt of the bad stuff because we are closest to those we care for. And I also think that being elderly and needing someone to care for us can be a bitter pill to swallow so they take it out on the person who's caring for them.
You must be taking very good care of your mom for her to own up to how she acted and discuss it with you. She obviously feels very comfortable with you.
I think it has a lot to do with the person's perception of their caregiver as a "safe" target or outlet for complaining, verbal abuse, etc. I.e. they believe the caregiver won't retaliate, that there won't be unpleasant consequences. If they don't see the caregiver as "safe", they will usually find another target. Of course, all this assumes the person has any control over what they say at all. Others have behaved this way all their lives and certainly won't change in old age.