I've brought Mom 400 miles north to live closer to me due to her diagnosis of dementia/Alzheimer's type. My husband and I tried having her live in our house, but her sleeplessness, disrobing, and wandering made it impossible for me to get any sleep. We looked into in-home care, but it was much more affordable for her to be in nearby asssisted living, which is a very nice facility.
My only sibling, my brother, has come several times from out of state to visit. Each time, he gets all choked up and emotional upon leaving my mom.
I have yet to cry, except the one morning when she was still in my home... I'd been up with her 12 times during the night and cleaned up her messes, bathed her and helped her get dressed and spent an hour with her at breakfast without a single word out of her. I pictured my life for the next ??? years as a constant repetition of this nightmare, and I sobbed into my pillow uncontrollably. For me.
All I can feel now is relief. She is doing much better now that she's in AL. The staff love her. She loves her room, enjoys the food, and participates in all the activities. I visit her 3 times a week, minimum, and she gets to see her granddaughters and great-grandsons often.
All I feel is relief. I know she's got Alzheimer's and this is as good as things will get, but I guess I've accepted it and feel that I can once again enjoy life, now that she's enjoying hers.
I go to support group meetings and people watch the videos and cry, or they share their stories and cry. Not me. Am I in denial ??? What's wrong with me?
Something else that may be happening is that you are a practical person. Practical people feel things deeply, but know they have to keep going. This is not a bad thing, because it lets us get things done no matter how bad the situation is.
So, KUDOS to you for having found exactly the right situation for your mom, AND for you and your family!
Crying is ok.
Not Crying is ok.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
I believe you were granted the strength to know the difference.
You see your Mom is doing well and that should be a blessing not a punishment to you. You should not feel you need to suffer for doing the best for your Mom. Try to enjoy the time you have with her now, that's what's important for her and you too. If you should cry it's out of love for her not guilt. I will add... I always know in my heart if something is bothering my Mother I can't explain it but I know somehow, Intuition or something.... try reading your inner feelings, instinct is strong. I'm sure she wouldn't want you to cry.
Sympavt, are you generally a crier? Even if you cry easily at other events, the profound loss you are experiencing with your mother may just have you beyond tears. And if you are not generally a crier, then you just aren't. It has nothing to do with the depth of your feelings.
My father died 14 years ago. I cried exactly once, 5 months after the death. My husband died 4 months ago. So far I have cried twice. I am just not a crier. Do I feel guilty? Good heavens, no! I know how deeply I feel these losses and I not need any one else's approval.
Some people cry for days. I have no doubt their feelings are genuine. So are mine. So are yours. There is no single "right" way to express those feelings.
It's great to be able to find support in this forum, from people who are, or have been, in the caregiver role.
Thanks everyone!