Here's a short paragraph from today's email: Lastly, it is time to pivot your focus towards your physical well-being, instead of forcing that which is unnatural to your mom. Work the knots from the inside-out. Humility is the most powerful way... per your culture and the bible.
May Truth flourish through you,
Last Saturday, it was a phone call that lasted an hour, on how I should do this instead of that when it comes to caring for my Mom. I wanted to take my weekly shower, but instead, I listened to her critique of me. I know I'm not perfect, and have lost my cool several times, but I'm still here, I'm still trying. I've been with Mom for 20+ yrs, she depends on my for all her social activities, which I plan to change, with no help from family.
I am curious, how you folks would have responded to the above paragraph?
Ummm? Should I give her another chance? She's really good with Mom, but I feel she's trying to create an atmosphere of her and Mom against the "bad guy". She has been very, very, helpful, and we would not have made it without her. Mom's recovery is going well, and in a month or so, Mom should be ready to go without caregivers again. This caregiver has reduced her hours to 4 hrs, on Wednesday. She stopped charging me for her time for about a week or so, but now we are going back to paying her. I think she feels she has total control of this situation and is not working with us, but is telling me what will or will not be. I appreciate your feedback. Thank You. There aren't very many caregivers where I live, in Alaska. I must be careful.
Some more examples of Caregiver conversation to me: You are your Mom's cheerleader, cheer her on when she does stuff.... Include her in decisions, let her fix up her bedroom the way she wants (putting glass shelves on huge picture windows instead of the walls)... Stop making her do things she doesn't want to do (her physical therapy)....
Who does she think has been here for the past 20+ years? As I write these posts, I feel she is over stepping her bounds. Her being there is starting to cause me additional work, she left the garage door open one day last week when she took Mom out for a ride, a mouse got in, our Cat got it, and I hope it's dead. Instead of decorating one side of the Christmas Tree, they decorated all the way around, my arms were injured from pushing Mom in the wheel chair, and now I'm having to turn a Christmas tree around to get all the ornaments off....
If you MUST keep her, ignore the emails and cut her lectures short, by saying you need to go do something. Or flat out tell her you are not interested in her theories, just in the help you are paying her for.
Are there any adult day programs in your area? Somewhere you could take Mom while you work?
You say she is good with your Mom and your Mom only needs help for about another month, I personally would bite my lip as she is there 4 hours a week and let it go. If she was there every single day all day long, I am sure I would have to sit down and have a "heart to heart talk" with her. Leave it alone for now.....Look inward and see if she has a point.
Take care!
You are so good for my mother, but she and I are different people. I have my own path. I understand that you are trying to be helpful to me, but I don't find your words helpful. What should we make Mother for lunch today?
I respect your beliefs, and I request that you respect mine.
I'm so sorry, but I really can't listen to this. Mother would appreciate a backrub right now.
I'm sorry, there's someone at the door.
In response to an email, "Thanks for the reminder about needing more wipes. I read what you wrote about my well being. I appreciate your good wishes, but your focus should always be on my mother, not on me."
"Your email was deleted before I read it. Was there anything there I need to know?"
I'm assuming that you want to try to get her to STFU before canning her ass. LOL
Loritabby, I would vote for putting up with her since it is just one more month and simply redirect the interaction or not acknowledge the information coming from her that's negative. Looks like you've already got some great tips on how to do that. Still the best laid plans can go awry and you mother might need help after a month. I'd suggest interviewing on the sly the other caregivers in town just in a friendly chat way - tell them you might need them in the future and just want to form a connection with them now if they will keep it confidential. That way you'll know if you like them and can call them up right away if you need to fire the current one or just next time around once you need more help. Good luck!
jinx has given you some good examples
I think advising her to focus on your mum is a good idea,
also as Jeanne says -if you can make it work out for the time remaining...
be prepared to deal with her wanting to stay in your life - you mentioned she did not charge for a period, You need to set up some boundaries now. I think pts has a point. I don't know if it is that bad, but this lady wants to be in control and the situation needs you to give her some very firm limits.
Cut her off whenever she starts talking like that to you again - what happens in your house e.g. the glass shelves is your choice, not hers and she needs to understand that very clearly.
You can tell her that this topic is not open for discussion, that you will work it out with your mother, that her job is to ... (care for your mother) but not to advise you etc, Figure out what you need to say to her, and don't let her get that involved again.
Good luck and come back and tell us how it works out (((((((((hugs))))))))
Lastly, it is time to pivot your focus on the job you were hired to do, instead of forcing unsolicited beliefs upon the one who pays you. Work your job as you were hired to do. Humility is the most powerful way to keep your job and earn a paycheck.
May your current employment stay flourished with you