Hurt, burnt out, just done :-( Any thoughts?
Well, I went to see my mom today at the nursing home and she immediately slammed into me that she wanted out and told me she could not believe that after all she had done for me I would put her there. She has been there since January. I go Monday-Friday on my lunch hour to see her. She was fine Friday or as fine as she can be. We have always had issues but I figured two wrong do not make a right sooo I was just going to take care of her until her last breath. She really didn't take care of me when I was little so today when she was going off on me on what all she had done for me I said where were you when I was growing up ? She said well at least I kept you...I pick up my purse and walked out. I went to the store and brought extra of the things I provide for her took them back to the nursing home gave them to the nurses station and I do not intend on going back for a long while. I have put up with her abuse for the past 13 years but no more. The Hospice Social Worker called me and we talked and she agreed that me staying away for awhile might be good for her. I have gone on my lunch hour everyday for thirteen years. Thirteen of her in her apartment and the last five months of her in the nursing home. She is abusive and nothing I do makes her happy. I am tired, hurt and it is almost a relief to know that I don't have to go back for awhile. Again, I am an only child. I am all she has, my kids do not have anything to do with her. She has no friends because she alienates everyone. At least now I can do this and know she is being cared for. For the first time in my life I do not have to be abused by her again if I choose not to be. I will tend to my responsibility to her by paying her bills and taking the things she needs to the nurses desk...Any thoughts ??
It's not easy at first, I still get guilt pangs because she's my mom; but I remind myself that I've been a good daughter and don't deserve to be abused because she isn't happy with her life or circumstances.
Hang in there, step away for awhile and explain to nursing home how you feel and you only want to be contacted in an emergency. No shame in taking a break. Give yourself permission to do so and then take care of you.
Send cards and pictures in the meantime if it makes you feel better.
You are a caring adult, but too easy to control. Take control of yourself. Go get a pedicure tomorrow instead of visiting the home. Stay away until you are not angry and hurt and feel like you can establish your autonomy, at least a few boundaries. You can do it, girlfriend. WhooHoo! A new personal goal! I care, Dear One:) xo
Sometimes in life you just sit down and realize there are people who should have never had kids. There is a reason many elderly people sit in nursing homes alone. Sure, there are the cases where the kids are jerks and don't come around but the older I get, I think those are few and far between.
I think most people in nursing homes are alone because of 2 reasons: 1) They are so hateful, they have alienated all friends, family, co-workers, etc. and most of the above people spent their entire lives trying to not be around them and 2) they are so onry, they have outlived almost everyone in their family.
I sat in my car during lunch yesterday and read still felt a pang of guilt but I do that all the time !! Thanks guys ;-)
relaxforsuccess
It is time to heal your wounds.
Go on vacation. Give the nursing home your number, but get away for a weekend.
As for guilt, let it go. Your mother seems to have none, just like my mother. As time goes by, I feel better and better. I realized that I owe my mother no more than she owes me. Relationships are a two way street, not one way.
I have grown a harder shell. You will too if you let yourself and stop blaming yourself for trying to please a woman who will never be pleased. Your mother is like my mother, she feels entitled to having everything as she wants and sees it. Too bad. Don't let her have her way, it gives her a certain amount of power and people like our mother's get drunk with control and power. Good luck
She is having a rallying moment so she has realized that she is going to die there if she doesn't do something. Last week she thought she was dying and happy to be there.
She cannot walk more than maybe 10 feet she is confined to a wheelchair or the bed. She is on oxygen 24/7, takes morphine for chest pain which she says she has not had since Monday. I told the social worker that I know my mother and unless the pain was bad she will not tell anyone to prove a point. She is that stubborn !! I asked the Social Worker how my mom can logically think she can get out. She hasn't thought that out just wants out.
Even if her health issues were not so severe I couldn't take her because she would ruin me. I hate that she has got to this point, but her life style put her there. She has no other family nor friends that will spend time with her she has no one but me...now that didn't happen by accident. I just hate all of this..I want it to go away !! I am tired of worrying about her I am tired of it all. I just want to have peace in my life, spend time with my husband, children and grandchildren whom I love and enjoy so much with her in my mind.
When I was in therapy I told her that I just didn't want my mom to die and me be mad at her...well, I just don't think that is going to happen. I told the social worker today that my mom could cut me completely out of her life just like she has everyone else if it weren't for she needs me for material things...nothing else. Isn't that something?
2tsnana...could you maybe look at it like this: she's finally pushed you far enuf that she's helped you find your limit and you've drawn a line in the sand. As your mom, she's helped you learn a valuable lesson and you could see that as something to appreciate. SHE has helped you be able to release her.This may be a fuzzy analogy but when l train dogs on leash and they are stubborn "pullers" that want their own way and are blinded by their perception of power, l just turn 180 degrees and walk briskly in the opposite direction, bringing the dog along, much to its surprise. Repeat that enough times and their behavior CAN change...note l didn't say WILL...it's easier to get thru to a dog than a person. But l think this senario came into mind to mention b/c when you have decompressed and you are ready to try a visit, you shouldn't be feeling tentative or nervous like you're walking on eggshells...NO...you go in with head held high and a lilt in your step, and the VERY moment she says or does anything you don't agree with (pulling), you stand, smile broadly and happily, turn (180) without a word and walk out til the next time.
If she has awareness of what she's doing as you believe she does, you'll have her trained in no time. Lol. If she turns out to be untrainable, you'll just have to put a little more time in between until perhaps she's willing to listen to your song. But you've still been given her gift of release! May you come to balance snd harmony with it all.