My Mom stays with me. She is set up in my living room, all her medical supplies. Hospital bed, wheelchair, potty chair, etc. She has been with me for a few years now. I haven't had a relationship with anyone so far, because I wonder how they would feel, my Mom being here and my bedroom just a room away. I'm not looking for marriage right now, but bringing someone here with the situation. I just think most men would not feel comfortable with it. Wondering if anyone has advice or is going through the same thing.
Like Knimrod, I have a positive experience with a partner who adds to the quality of my life and my Dad's life. In July, Dad came to visit and I realized that he was no longer safe living on his own. He has mild dementia and some balance issues. I am a full-time student ("mature") in a long distance relationship. I live 750 miles away from my partner. Since I will move back to live with my partner this coming summer, we decided to move Dad to assisted living there in Utah. I can't tell you how helpful my partner has been! He stops and checks on Dad every day. He takes Dad shopping and to the doctor. He has basically adopted my Dad. When I get concerned that it is asking too much of him and want to hire nursing care, his response is, "don't worry. I like your Dad." When I am in town, we take Dad with us whenever feasible.
All of this is to say that part of what you need for someone to be "the right person for you" at this point in your life is someone who will be understanding and supportive of your role as a caregiver. I will tell you that having someone show me how much he cares for me, by caring for my Dad is incredibly attractive. In return, I try to be the best girlfriend I can be. The result is our relationship has grown in spite of the stress.
As a side note, I too met my guy online. We used eHarmony. If you need to stay close to your Mom, it is a good way to get to know people without leaving home. We emailed and then spoke by phone over the period of a couple of months before meeting in person. I think that some guys will run when they hear your situation. That's good. They are not who you need in your life right now.
He is also a caregiver for his mother. She is in a facility now.
Right up front I told my story about carrying for parents. He knew exactly what my situation was and knew it might not work. But he thought that if nothing else, we could be friends and support each other at bad times.
Well it worked. Dad passed away the month after we had our first date.
That leaves Mom with me still. The three of us are a new family. We bought a house, he does the guy stuff, I do the girl stuff and our mothers are just happy to see us happy. Sure we don't have a lot of privacy, but enough. My brother and his siblings have turned their backs on us and our mothers long ago, so it's just us. He is a blessing to me and my Mom loves him too. He has more patience than I do sometimes and is so helpful. He loves home-cooking and is so handy around the house. Win-win for us both.
He is very smart and understands more than I did about all the paperwork regarding Medicare, meds, etc. He is very understanding and loving.
Wish I'd met him 40yrs ago. We all go out to eat together, movies, etc.
Mom uses a walker and is wobbly, but with his help we can do these things.
So my answer is yes......love is possible and a relationship is what you make of it.
When I was younger, I had three young kids and my ex had put all our life savings into a foreign bank account, leaving me with nothing. Not to be immodest, but I was in my early thirties and attracted a lot of men who were surprised to find out that I even had kids, let alone 3! So, since they were the most important part of my life, I lead with the fact that I was a mom, that I didn't date on the weekends my children were not with their dad, and their needs came first. If that was unacceptable, then so be it. Being a mother was 'me', the most important part. Any partner who would expect right out of the box to come first in your life, as you are caring for a loved one who depends on you and in your case, took care of you a long time in your life, might as well move on. You don't want someone who would expect that of you.
All of that said, if you can have absolutely no balance in your life (having part time caregivers share the load with you, etc) then you may need to find a good place to care for your mom where you can closely oversee her care. Learn to love yourself and try to shrug off judgmental people who have all the answers when they have not walked in your shoes. Also talk to yourself as you would a good friend. Don't make the assumption that you aren't a 'prize' to be valued and that YOU would be lucky to find somebody, anybody to care for you. Once you know your own value, you learn to expect better of others.
Some friends and intimates fall away. Some will be attracted by what you are doing and becoming. I found new family to help me and new friends.
You need to find those people and to find them I needed to learn to ask. Isolation is death.
Have you ever known anyone over 100 years old? I have. They are usually cheerful and resourceful about this very thing. They make friends from the subset of people THAT SHOW UP. That's how they make it to 100.
Find those people who show up - like you are showing up for the hardest job in the world. Make new family; get and stay connected. You have what it takes. Now you need to give some of it to yourself: ask for help and keep asking until you are nurtured too.
I would have liked to have a relationship with another daughter - geographically nearby me - that was doing the same thing - we could have alternated days.
What about that - co-daughtering? Hey this is a good idea.
What I have decided is; if the man really cares for you, then he will not care and want to help you. Be your knight in shinning armor. If he truly cares; he will want to help you out, and love you for being an amazing person for being a caregiver. That is what you are. You are amazing and awesome for taking care of your Mom. Any man should be honored to have you in their life.
God bless you for what you are doing. Good luck!
Having a wife with Alzheimer's, I can see what you are going through and the internal conflicts the situation generates....wanting to have a loving and intimate relationship with my wife almost makes me feel like a "child molester" as she is almost in that state.....
But I have discovered recently how much of the fullness of life has slowly disappeared for me over the last couple of years....the discovery came when, out of a clear blue sky, I met a woman who is single and we simply started with conversations, which grew very quickly to deeper and deeper discussions about philosphy, religion, politics, history, the arts, etc. etc. She desires but will not allow a closer physical relationship as long as my wife at least knows me and who I am.......my only point here is that it is possible to have that deep connectedness with another without (sadly) any sex involved.....these explorations and relating to each other have almost taken over my life outside of care giving and I can tell you it is exilerating and given me a new reason to keep going...
As a man, I can tell you I would certainly feel comfortable with what you are suggesting....and, having had a great amount of feedback on that very situation in the last several months, there are NO moral or ethical judgments to be levied on you or for you to internalize.....Guilt And Shame = GAS; it needs to be regularly expelled, so go ahead and burp and whatever to get rid of it !
You deserve a full and rewarding life too....go for it !
From the male perspective this is a tough one. Bringing an intimate partner home is probably a bit premature at this point. You need to meet someone first right? I am sure it is difficult to get out right now so you may want to consider on-line dating services first. These services help you get clear not only on who you are but also what you're looking for in a man. It is also fun when replying to suitors and is a great distraction and self-esteem builder.:-) Frankly, unless you're looking for a one night stand you will need to put in the time; to find and meet a decent guy and then get together for coffee, lunch or whatever outside of your home. Oh and you may want to withhold the fact that "Mom is camped out in your living room" for at least a few dates or longer.:-) Bottom line, is you deserve to have a life too. It will take time and some planning to make it happen.