23 year old hired as sitter for my elderly mom is injecting herself into our family and causing fights with 5 children. She has not been honest, refuses to do simple requests like do no dry moms knits in dryer. I am stunned that brothers believe this girl who they barely know. Is there any information you know of to address a sitter over stepping boundaries
All of these young people have done internships and most are CNAs who've worked their way through college by caring for elders. Ninety percent are passionate about the people they care for.
That being said, this particular woman doesn't fit that mold and should be talked to in a business like way, monitored and if she doesn't shape up, fired.
Older caregivers can be wonderful, but what I'm saying is that age isn't the issue - the person is. One older aide slept on the couch during the time she was supposed to be working and smoked in the house (and denied it). Others, of course, are real jewels who love elders.
Finding perfection only happens once in awhile. Finding someone who at least does the work with a smile and listens is great. Maybe this young woman could improve with guidance – maybe not.
Good luck with this situation. The brothers are a problem here for sure.
Carol
One person should be given the responsibility of dealing with this care giver. If any sibling has a problem with her, wants to give her additional duties, whatever, it should be run through that person. Having five different bosses is impossible.
With everyone's help, come up with a list of responsibilities and expectations. That "one person" should present that list to her. One of the entries on this list should include which sibling she should come to with any problems or questions.
If your siblings are not presenting a united front, you will continue having problems no matter who the care giver is.
If you have a better alternative to propose, go ahead and propose it.
On the other hand. "Not being honest" and "putting mother's knits in the dryer" appearing so close to each other like that make me wonder what the substance of this drama is, exactly. What is she not being honest about? Shrunken woollens? Cor strike a light how did that happen nothing to do with me I swear cross my heart… That kind of not honest?
Don't get me wrong: my MIL's housekeeper put my heirloom cashmere baby blanket - the kind you could pull through your wedding ring - in the dryer and it emerged the size of a small pocket handkerchief only made of felt. I was LIVID. I am not underestimating how stressful it is to have somebody in the house you can't trust to carry out even the most basic tasks.
You're stunned that your brothers believe her version of events over yours. So would I be, if that were what is actually happening. But it isn't. What's actually happening is that your brothers have found an easy solution to the problem of what to do about mother, and they are reluctant to let it go. That would mean more work, more time, more effort while you all come up with something better; not to mention the unpleasant prospect of firing cutie-pop; and the fact is that they think that good enough will have to do and they can't be bothered with it. So it's not that they don't *believe* you, it's that they don't think it matters a rat's wotsit what is going on as long as mother isn't covered in bruises and it doesn't involve work for them.
Meanwhile, cutie-pop sees sweet little old lady that she's taking brilliant care of, plus nice brothers who praise her constantly, versus evil witch hag who is giving her a hard time (evil witch hag is you, in case you didn't recognise yourself from the description!). Cutie-pop has a lot to learn.
So, how about teaching her? Imagine she's a difficult child whom, without anyone consulting you, you've been tasked with bringing up to scratch. There would be considerable satisfaction in improving her knowledge, skills and - oh my goodness - attitude. Remember that you are the grown up in this relationship and that it is up to you to help her learn. Forget your brothers, go to work on her. Hint: you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar :) Start with praise for anything she *is* getting right, would be my tip.
If she doesn't do it, can you take photos on your cellphone, download and date it and keep it on file for future reference - like when it's time to fire her?
See All Answers