23 year old hired as sitter for my elderly mom is injecting herself into our family and causing fights with 5 children. She has not been honest, refuses to do simple requests like do no dry moms knits in dryer. I am stunned that brothers believe this girl who they barely know. Is there any information you know of to address a sitter over stepping boundaries
Just saying....
no one was in charge and the patients, continual care was in jeopardy,
because of the dysfunction. In my case, I am not hired, but was asked to give her her meds, two years after I was already distributing her meds. The 4 out of 5 siblings didn't want to take care of her (I was living in the building with youngest of the sibling) and two oldest siblings of the four gave themselves POA, so yes they asked me to give her, her meds(which like I said was already being done).
The problem with family dysfunctionality is that it had a lifetime to operate, before this situation became apparent to you, the brothers could have already shared that dysfunction when they hired her the sitter (?) and not caregiver? leads me to believe your mother is of sound mind, so technically she should be the one to fire or hire anyone, if not of sound mind, what matters most is is your mother being properly cared for? If she is being cared for, it does not matter what your feelings are, but if she is not being cared for properly, you can call Senior Abuse hotline, whatever they call senior abuse where you live, oh and by the way who has the Power of Attorney?
Truth is that if there is no abuse, there will be nothing they can do, they are not responsible for the dysfunctionality (but under the umbrella of caregiver stress could provide the service to you and your siblings) of you and your siblings, so they will not fix it for you, unless all the siblings are in agreement and it sounds like not, some family members block production of real communication and while it is not nice, it is perfectly legal, unfortunately.
The helpless/hopeless prospects that you must be living under are horrid, emotion upheaval, inability to think, or carry on a normal function are immense, it is now eight years, that I have been taking care of her, all without pay, I share these emotions, as well...sometimes, I question my motive, because it was all about continuity of care and her right (I am a disabled person) to stay in the community and her home. I on the other hand have no standing in court, cannot get paid, because no one hired me, go figure and as long as she, her son and I live under one roof, the court allows me to take care of her for free. As I am aging, I am experiencing a Dorian Gray affect (aging more than I should be, to preserve her) I have begun to have feelings of conflict.
My life is truly on hold, so I guess it is a matter of perspective...I agree with Country mouse and bookluver...if she is not qualified, you could intervene by teaching her/guiding her (or handling the care of your mothers wool sweaters yourself, if that is all that is wrong) or getting abuse services to get you a more qualified candidate, their is no law broken by wanting better care for your mother.
Of course change is change and a process to go through, all in all, I am rid of the dysfunctional sibs and totally free to care for her, in the proper way!
That said; I agree with 'countrymouse' that your brothers expectations may be more basic than yours. First, remove any and all valuables from the home. Second, put away any articles of clothing that can'r go through regular wash and dry cycles of the laundry. Third, make a list of 'reasonable' tasks that you expect to have the CG perform. Fourth, prepare food ahaead so that CG isn't having to guess about how to fix meals (differant ciltures/differant food). Fifth, don't expect the CG to just 'know how things should be done'. Your common sense and hers are the results of your own individual life experience so, as Countymouse suggested, befriend her, take her (gently) under your wing and ease her into your household. Taking care of someone is an intimate experience and it's not easy to not become 'involved'. That said, it is yours, and your brothers, responsibility to set clear boundries with her. You don't say if you all live under the same roof, or is she is with one of you or lives indepentdently. whomever she is living with has the right, and duty, to be the one to set the rules, and boudries in their own home. If mom lives independently then that's another issue and you'll just have to go with 'how important is it?' in the grand scheme of your mothers care.
If you are not using an agency, you should be as they provide all kinds of assistance with getting the right CG into the home, as well as support services for family members when needed. Your CG will also be bonded, have had criminal background checks, and are vetted by the agency.
I have the impression that you can't fire her even if you wanted to, is that correct? - hence you were asking for advice on how to get the boundaries established. If your mother isn't living with you, and you're not her primary caregiver, but you are actively involved in her care and would like to remain so, I can appreciate how worrying the situation must be. The medications incident is bizarre: did she just take it into her head that your mother shouldn't have them, did she forget to give them, did your mother refuse them and she didn't know what to do about it, or what? Clearly that kind of thing can't go on, though, whatever happened.
Sorry to be so obtuse - could you please go back a bit and lay out the territory for us?
When my MIL was at our house her last year, we found a daytime caregiver through a friend for whom she had done housecleaning for some time. She was great, very professional. She and Grandma really loved each other. She kept in touch with me occasionally for some years after Grandma was gone.
You can find really good people; you can get tangled with bad ones. The problem with firing bad ones is that they can cause you all sorts of trouble unless you really document what is happening, and still it can be a hassle. Be careful , be really careful ahead of time!!!
You get what you pay for. Many people go through a few hired caregivers before finding a match.
Another thing, you need to be more specific when you look for advice. Other than the girl not doing laundry correctly, no one on here has any idea what the issues are....give examples!
Has not been honest in what way? Are you talking stealing or does she show up 15 minutes late and says she is on time. If you want advice on an issue you need to be more detailed.
We've had all four of our parents ! Now we are on the last, my 85 year old FIL. With dimenshia , diabetes , neuropathy , COPD, and a ton of other issues.
"Trust me, I know how hard, mentally draining, and depressing it is watching a parent fade away from what they use to be". (Raising five kids is easier than caring for one parent)!
But, at least when all of our parents are passed, we know we did right by all of them.
And didn't have to worry about situations such as what your explaining.
We both work, have a house, bills , need to cook, shop, clean, handle all his doc appts, referrals, medications, etc. and made a point to get "Aging & Adult Social Services" , which sends out an aide weekly as we need them, to help with personal care/etc.
We even alterered our home to accomadate all of our parents.
Your choices are basically as follows:
*Offer to hire & pay for a more experienced caregiver under your siblings roof.
*If your parent is of sound mind, see what "they" would like! And which of their kids they want to live with as well.
*Get video proof (hide a recordable video camera in a stuffed toy, a nanny cam) in your parents room, see what's really happening.
*Discuss with the sibling who's roof your parent is under, about the situation/your concerns and maybe them getting "Aging & Adult" &/or a new caregiver. See how that goes.
*You move your parent in with you & handle all of it, and have a piece of mind they are being cared for properly . And get "Aging & Adult Social Services" and if needed , hire a caregiver you approve of.
*Ignore what's going on, let your siblings do what they feel is best.
That's basically your choices.
Other than a nursing home. Which the goal is keeping them out of one as long as possible!
"Not being mean, but brutally honest"! This is the hardest job anyone can do!
One person should be given the responsibility of dealing with this care giver. If any sibling has a problem with her, wants to give her additional duties, whatever, it should be run through that person. Having five different bosses is impossible.
With everyone's help, come up with a list of responsibilities and expectations. That "one person" should present that list to her. One of the entries on this list should include which sibling she should come to with any problems or questions.
If your siblings are not presenting a united front, you will continue having problems no matter who the care giver is.
FYI, A "sitter" is just there to do that...SIT.(it is the legal job description, a no hands on job) If more help is needed, look for a medical assistant, a CNA, an LPN or other home health care through a reputable establishment.