My mum has just being diagnosed with "vascular dementia" ive known for 6mths it could be this but to hear it has started to sink in.
I was planning to move away from here as i hate this town im currently living with mum and caring for her on my own siblings abroad and brother nearby no help?
I spoke to my doc today and she said moving your mum from her house to go live in a different place now would be the start of her decline and not a good idea?
Im now finding myself overwhelmed with responsibility now as its up to me whether my mum stays here in her own home or goes into NH. I cant look after her alone its too much and its going to get worse.
Her doc said shes not ready for a NH yet? she still has good memory but will need care?
If she dosnt go into a NH we cant make her until she cant cope at all this is a huge responsibility on me as I just cant have a life here and dont want to live here.
I just dont know what to do now and with my family abroad what can I do? Feel so guilty that my mums future care is all down to how much I can handle.
Cant stop crying and starting to get very down i have a huge choice to make my mum staying in her own home or my sanity?
Has anyone had to make this choice? Its not fair that it all falls on me as im here?
Her doctor may be correct that moving Mom now would cause her to decline more rapidly. Staying with Mom is causing you to decline rapidly! You are no less valuable and worthy than your mother. It is OK to consider not only Mother's needs but also your own.
If she is "not ready" for an NH, perhaps a memory care unit would be more appropriate, ideally one with a whole range of care levels so that she would not have to be moved again.
I understand that vascular dementia shortens the expected life span considerably. While ALZ can go on for decades and Lewy Body often lasts 8 to 10 years, vascular dementia seems to progress faster than that, lasting only a few years. Obviously these are generalizations and no one can say with certainty how long your mother may live. Have you discussed her prognosis with her doctor?
Knowing that this won't be forever, could you tolerate it if you had more in-home help? Would that allow you to have more of a life of your own? For example, if Mom had a hired caregiver during the day so that you could have a job and/or some personal time, would that relieve some of your stress? I realize that you don't like the town you are in, but knowing you won't be there indefinitely, could you make the best of it?
Any chance your brother could be of more help? Have you had a heart-to-heart with him?
You are right that this is not fair that it all falls on you. It would all fall on you if you were an only child, too. It is definitely and completely unfair that your mother has this awful condition. Life is not fair.
If you decide you have to move out, first get your mother situated in the best care center arrangement you can find. Contact her often. Visit when you can. Continue to advocate for her good care.
If you decide you are willing to stay until she dies or perhaps until some interim milestone, such as she is ready for NH, please spend the necessary effort to arrange for help. Do not continue to do all the hands-on care alone. Also be sure to have some respite time.
You have talked to Mom's doctor, which is great. I suggest you talk to some other professional as you struggle with this decision. A medical social worker might be a good choice. You need help finding out what resources are available, both for placement and for in-home care.
I am so sorry that you are facing this, kazzaa. Hugs to you.
As strange as it seems, most people around here are not hands-on caregivers for their parents. Most of the elders around here live in senior communities. Some are in IL, others in AL, others in NHs. People on this group are actually exceptions to the norm from what I see around me. Kazzaa, you are not unusual in the way you feel. Probably most parents don't want their children to sacrifice their lives, and probably most children are not able to. Follow your own instincts here about what is best and give the statement of the doctor very little weight. There are so many options out there.
sly and guess what I am the good guy. You have to make things happen now, or else, the prognosis is not good for youl
Memory care has worked beautifully for my mthr. Once she was settled in, she LOVED going to the Bingo games, church services, the music productions, movie night, even meals with other people! She was finally social again for the first time since she retired. Not one of the other old folk complains when she tells them the same story, and she readily excuses them telling her theirs - oh, he does not remember he told me that before, and he told a little more each time, so it was very interesting is what she says!
Your mom would love a Memory Care home. I hope you can find one quickly to save your sanity!
In the end, only you know what's best for you. I will share part of my thought process in deciding to move my Dad. He was living on his own and the closest child was a 5 hour drive away. We decided to move Dad sooner rather than later as it seemed that the disruption of a move would get worse and worse. I tried to give him as much control over the process as possible. That means, he got to decide whether to move close to me or close to my sister. Notice that not moving wasn't an option on the table. We went to visit every senior living option in the area where he was moving. He got to choose which was best. In the end, he wasn't excited about the move. However, he got choices along the way that allowed him to feel some control in the situation.
I considered putting my life on hold and moving in with him. That would not have been healthy for either one of us. I would have been miserable where he lived and as a result would have been resentful of being there. If I was stressed and tired, that resentment was bound to show through. That would not have allowed me to do the hard work of care giving. Also, like has been mentioned earlier, Dad is much more social now than he was when living on his own. I stop in and see him almost every day. Because I am not stressed and resentful, I am able to take the time and take him out for fun activities. Also, I realized along the way that as much as I would like to be that infinitely patient caring daughter, I am not. I can be patient for a few hours at a time, and then... I get a bit cranky. That would not have been good for either of us.
I hope there is a nugget in there that might be helpful.
Take care of yourself.
I want my mum near me as if she goes into NH here then ill be too far away and i want to see here everyday im the only daughter she has in ireland that cares my other sister who lives only 2hrs away hasnt even rang me when i sent her an email about mums diagnosis. am so angry with her how can you not care?? shes our mother and did what she could to bring us up alone how can you turn your back on her now when she needs us the most. Selfish siblings i will never understand?
My other brother and sister abroad have agreed that mum either moves with me or NH I am not giving up my life to live in a one horse town with no social life.
My mums geriatrician has asked my mum to move into NH permanently she laughed she said no way to be honest I dont think the professionals cant decide for us its all down to family when this happens.
I really have to think of my life ive done this for four years had a SHIT time trying to get mums diagnosis on my own with no help from anyone except the internet and this site and I was right she has what i kept telling everyone i want some happiness in my life.
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