So, after my Dad's main caregiver (the one I preferred because she wouldn't fall for his shenanigans), was jailed, I fired her and gave the weekend help all shifts.
Imagine my dismay this morning when Daddy announced that we needed to go to the bank to get more money (we had just withdrawn $200 the yesterday). Apparently, he swindled his (not so bright) caregiver into taking him shopping, and she allowed him to spend his entire wallet stash on a new suit!!!
OK... I've fought (and lost) the battle with my father to carry much money at all. I keep his bank and credit cards at all times. Instead, I opted for a prepaid VISA that we keep $100 on, but after a SCREAMING match in the middle of the bank earlier this year, I let him just keep his $200 weekly cash withdrawal in his wallet (normally hiding $100) so that he feels some sense of control.
The other clincher is... I JUST BOUGHT HIM DRESS CLOTHES!!! Three weeks ago, against my better judgment, I bought him three dress shirts, three pairs of dress slacks, a sport jacket and some new shoes. He even SHOWED the dingy caregiver his new clothes. He didn't NEED anymore dress clothes!
So, of course, my first suggestion was to take the silly suit back, but the receipt is nowhere to be found. They bought it from a store where he NEVER shops, so it's not like a store credit will do any good, and Guess who's the bad guy.... again?
My gut says to fire the silly woman, but I NEED her. I have two jobs right now, and I really don't have time to find someone else until I put him in the Independent Living facility.
I really think I should dock her paycheck. That money was for our normal Sunday morning grocery shopping trip, and some money to keep him occupied while I attempted to take a 3 day vacation...one that I think I should cancel in light of this.
This would have NEVER happened if I was around. Clearly this "caregiver" doesn't understand dementia. All she had to do was change the subject or say NO!!! That's why he likes this caregiver. She ALWAYS gives him his way...
So... fire her? Dock her pay?
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/how-to-soften-the-transition-to-assisted-living-facility-186487.htm?cpage=0&cm=522016
So I've just deleted my entire answer and rethought your questions.
I adamantly feel that the caregiver is not to blame. Anyone who has multiple wives and is violent is someone could become so again, including with a caregiver. It seems to me the caregiver is right in the line of fire and deserves tolerance and understanding, not punishment.
Have you even discussed this with her? That's the respectful and mature way to approach the issue, not flare up into an outburst.
Do you see the way you're responding? Your father apparently was violent and abusive. Your posts reflect a lot of anger; it's understandable under the situation. Are you handling issues the way you've seen him handle them, i.e., are you subconsciously following learned behavior?
I think it's time to really step back and assess the situation, which obviously needs to be changed as you've tried to do recently with the placement, which as I recall your father didn't like and misbehaved like a child (which is a reflection of how difficult the situation is, not a reflection on you.)
Frankly, if you docked the caregiver's pay for the suit your father bought, I think she'd be within reason to quit, without notice. Do you realize how much you expect of her, and how unreasonable it is? She's putting up with a wife abuser and someone you apparently dislike intensely. Give her credit for even attempting to help YOU in this kind of situation.
Each of the posts you wrote express intense feelings...anger, frustration, more anger and resentment...which I'm sure you know.
I think it's time to focus on the big picture and get this man out of your life one way or another and into an institution with strong controls so you can avoid burnout and eventually end up being violent as he has.
And honestly, even though I would rarely suggest this, maybe it's time to just call APS and let them deal with him while you exit his life and save your sanity.
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/caregiving-not-for-me-186219.htm as well as the answers to the post referenced in my first response.
There are some issues there that still need to be addressed. If you're still concerned with "failure", recognize that there are psychological issues at play in your relationship with this wife beater, and seek counseling so you can move forward to regain and stabilize your own life.
Have you explicitly told her not to take him shopping? Have you told her, one on one, that the money beings spent foolishly means you will both have to do without? I think with some people you have to lay out, step by step, what is expected of them and emphasize that they are NOT to deviate from the guidelines or they will be terminated. If you have already had this conversation then go ahead and fire her, if not then chock it up to a lesson learned.
(Since you probably have receipts for the clothes YOU bought him perhaps they can be the ones returned)
This is YOUR problem to deal with, not the caregiver's. Give dad a weekly allowance. When it's spent? It's gone 'til next week. If you don't want the caregiver to take him shopping, make that very clear. If you her to grab his wallet out of his hands when he tries to the money YOU'VE GIVEN HIM, find a martial artist.
EVERY week is something else with her which is why I was upset about the shopping trip. I keep her because shes cheap and nice to Daddy.
When dad got sick and had to be rushed to the hospital, she called ME hysterically screaming! He was just vomitting... not even really serious yet. Of course, little Tinyblu put on her cape and had to save the day as always..
As for moxie. I TRIED to give Dad a weekly allowance which resulted in him melting down on me in the middle of the bank in front of a crowd of people. The people at the bank wanted to call the police because they were worried about my safety.
I don't have the receipts for the clothes that I bought him anymore, and she didn't keep the receipt to the suit he should never purchased, and I HAVE told her (even written it in the DETAILED HANDBOOK that she SIGNED) to clear any purchases totaling over $50 with me and to provide receipts from any shopping trips, so maybe that clears up the frustration over the issue.
I guess I just needed to vent because of course I got an earful (again) about the suit, and how WONDERFUL the caregiver is and how he's afraid I'm going to kill him
It's hard to have lost a job, a home and a car for someone who treats you badly no matter how much you try to PLEASE them. I've done all I can to be the PERFECT little girl so it stinks to hear him brag about someone else when I try EVERYTHING (Adult Day Care, Independent Living and In Home Care simultaneously) to keep him happy...
Maybe it is me... who hoo another failure to add to the pile. Thanks for all the HELPFUL answers....goodness....
"I just want to live up to everyone's expectations and feel like throwing him away would be the ultimate let down for everyone. I was taught "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION"
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/caregiving-not-for-me-186219.htm?cpage=2
From your last post:
"I've done all I can to be the PERFECT little girl so it stinks to hear him brag about someone else when I try EVERYTHING (Adult Day Care, Independent Living and In Home Care simultaneously) to keep him happy"
"who hoo another failure to add to the pile"
I think you need to make a decision whether you're going to address your own psychological issues or continue to accept your father's behavior and blame the situation on him and/or the caregiver.
The "woo hoo another failure to add to the pile" almost suggests to me that you don't really see the seriousness of these issues.
Have you even considered therapy? If not, it's time for it, and you should do that before you post again or make outrageous suggestions for punishment of a caregiver.
Oh gosh, that is a tough one on what to do. Your profile mentions that your Dad has lung disease so that much be uncomfortable for him. And now dementia is on his resume. We all know one cannot reason with someone who has dementia.... just distract the person.
Whatever you do, please do not blame the Caregiver, sounds like your Dad charmed his way into having her drive him to the clothing store. If you do blame her, you will find yourself taking her shift, and you probably don't want that to happen. This is probably also a learning curve for her, too.
So perhaps you are here just to vent and get sympathy.
Oh. Poor Tinyblu. She is from such a dysfunctional situation. And there is nothing she can/wants to do about. That is sad.
There, there, Tinyblu, it will be OK someday. Meanwhile vent away.
Your father is and always has been mentally unstable, from your description. He needs to be in a facility with staff who understand his condition.
I actually quit last job whom I was caring for 3 years. She had Stroke, diabetic, alcoholic and had many problems. My C was access to her bank(ATM) But her daughter couldn't take away her card... because her guilt... Daughter asked me to take her bank(ATM) for once a month, that time she could withdraw $400 most.
I was wondering what she is going to do with it? Her D thought that my C is giving to me!!!! No she is giving to her grand-kids and she told her D "I don't know"..... well C knew exactly what she was doing and she winked at me and smile!
D didn't believe her mom at all...too bad!
D was alike tinyblu, they couldn't handle their problems but we are the CG got blamed, so time to hit the road. when you wants hire CG, please find good experienced CG, we are not cheep!!
My case I do miss my C
You most certainly should not penalize the caregiver for failure to manage the household expenses. Just handle the expenses yourself or replace her. Dock her pay? That is ridiculous. It is not as if she has stolen from you. She took your father shopping. At worst she cannot handle the situation and you should simply replace her.
It sounds like you are angry at your Dad and the CG. Perhaps the CG is not competent to handle the situation, which is quite possible. My friend has a mother with dementia. She is a handful and has gone through many caregivers.
I am sure it is a handful to take care of your angry old Dad.
Also, why is CG going to the bank with your Dad?
I wish you luck. If the CG is not given an allowance for grocery shopping, why are you so pissed off at her for allowing your Dad to spend all the money?
She sees you go grocery shopping with him. Perhaps she does not comprehend that she is supposed to prevent a man with dementia from blowing the budget on clothes. Why give him the money in the first place? I think you should take your vacation and keep a tighter reign on the purse strings. If the CG cannot handle your fitful Dad, at least there will be money for groceries.
Like I said, it must be next to impossible to handle your angry Dad.
Do not dock her pay. That is wrong. Very wrong.
Good luck Tinyblu!