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MY 86 YR OLD MOM LIVES ALONE IN SENIOR VILLA NEAR ME. SHE HAS MACULAR DEGENERATION BUT RELATIVELY HEALTHY CONSIDERING. I TAKE CARE OF ALL THE USUAL THINGS..SHOPPING,CLEANING,DR APPTS,ETC..BUT SHE WANTS TO BE ENTERTAINED TOO, DAILY, OR SHES SO BORED. I ALSO HAVE A SON IN A WHEELCHAIR THAT I CONSIDER MY PRIORITY. SHE HAS A NEGATIVE PERSONALITY AND WE HAVE NEVER BEEN CLOSE. (I AM TOO MUCH LIKE MY FATHER, WHO LEFT HER 50 YRS AGO AND SHE HAS NEVER FORGIVEN HIM). FEELING GUILTY THAT I HAVE A DIFFICULT TIME WANTING TO BE AROUND HER! I HAVE TRIED TO GET HER INVOLVED IN CHURCH AND OTHER ACTIVITIES BUT SHE FINDS FAULT WITH EVERYTHING. ANY SUGGESTIONS???!

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My heart bleeds for so many many good, kind, decent people on here that have to endure mean, cranky, parents that can never seem to be satisfied, complain about everything and seem to want the world handed to them on a gold platter so they can complain it's too small!! Then complain because it was YOU who handed it to them instead of someone else! I live with one of those and although I feel bad for everyone else and wouldn't wish that kind of treatment on an enemy, I certainly feel better knowing I'm not all alone. :) My dad is non-social, he doesn't like being around "old" people (and I think to myself, have you looked in the mirror lately?) and also expects me to "entertain" him but anything I come up with he complains about. He has just a few friends, literally and he doesn't hesitate to tell them what a "mooch" I am and that I don't do anything for him!!! As much as that devastates my heart I try to remember that GOD knows....God sees but it still hurts terribly. So hugs to all on here, sending positive thoughts and prayers to everyone.
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tracy888, you are very wise to give consideration to decisions your boyfriend is making that don't advance your relationship. Has he always spent this much time with his mother or is it new behavior? Old, entrenched behavior is very difficult to change. Hopefully, having discussions with him will affect a change that improves your relationship. You seem aware that you may need to decide to either live with things as they are or leave the relationship.
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We had this problem with mom, and her BP meds were changed to a beta-blocker (metoprolol) that has anti-anxiety medications. She also gets Xanax twice a day and Celexa at bedtime. She is relaxed, but not groggy and much less angry. She should go to the senior center. Make yourself unavailable on the days they have an activity, so that is her only choice. If she complains of being lonely, tell her gently that it is by her own choice. If you are with her every day, she is being spoiled. I cut back my visits to my sister to once a week and now she interacts with other residents and is much happier.
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Linda, thanks for sharing your life experience. Since (1) she is not my mother and (2) we are not married, it is a bit of a pickle. If he feels this is what he needs to do for his mother, I can make recommendations, but ultimately, it's his choice to make. I can decide that his choices don't work for our relationship, and those are the discussions we need to be having and working through if our relationship is to advance. It's just a tough time. Helpful to read through and find out what others are experiencing. I think he has a bit of denial going in what the future holds for her and I would like for us to face it realistically and together if possible. I want to have those discussions with love and with the spirit of working towards "us". Sometimes, it doesn't come out that way and it strains our relationship. Sigh...
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RUN!
No, it will not get better. She has become depend on you both for her entertainment..because she can.
The very same with my mom. FINALLY, I just said no, not today.
Her fridge is stocked and her "needs" are met. This is your life passing by too.
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My BF's mother always expects that he and I will entertain her. She would want to go out for dinner every night of the week if she could and still wouldn't be satisfied. As it is, he takes her out for restaurant meals 4-5 times a week (Sat & Sun breakfast plus a couple dinners out during the week), comes home almost every day to have lunch with her. He and I both work full time and are trying really hard to have some time to ourselves. She is still at the stage where she can be on her own for periods of time - she is more emotionally needy than in need of any physical caretaking needs. All the same, I have lately been feeling "tethered" to her and it is putting a strain on our three year relationship. I keep suggesting that he bring in some respite care - someone who will take her to lunch or a movie once a week, but he anticipates she would have a problem with that and has not acted on it. The way I see it, she will only get worse and the longer he puts it off, the harder it will be for her to accept care. I have made the suggestions of the senior center as well (there is one right down the street from his house) and that suggestion also fell on deaf ears.
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corrections

... Unfortunately, IF YOU ARE GOING TO TAKE on the responsibilities...

she will understand and probably cooperate whether it's HER preference or not...
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The older they get, the more helpless they get. Whether its full blown dementia or some level of impairment, many elders tend to start manifesting poor judgement, act cranky and/or negative, and need more and more of you both physically and mentally. Unfortunately, on the responsibility of someone's care, you may or may not be responsible for EVERYTHING, but you are responsible for ARRANGING everything whether you like it or not. Unless you turn your charge over to a public guardian, they have no one else but you because they can't do it themselves. Most of them are scared anyway and don't want to do anything new even if they knew how to do it. They are neophobic like cats are. New things have to be introduced carefully and slowly.

It's possible your mom has outgrown Senior Living and it's time to be in assisted living where she has more staff with hands-on abilities and more activities that are available on site. This is of course yet another thing that you'd have to organize and get accomplished for her and once it's done, her life will be better for it. You have to lay it on the line with her so to speak, telling her that you can only take care of her with her cooperation. Remind her of HER special needs grandchild that you must ALSO devote your time to and explain to her that you must find some balance and that the only way you can do that is if she helps you. If and only if you receive resistance at this point, yoy can explain to her that you prefer to keep the decisions between the two of you but that you are becoming highly stressed and if mom isn't willing to be a little flexible, you will have to include doctors and social workers in the decision making process to find an answer. If she is not impaired, she will understand and probably cooperate whether it's your preference or not. If she is impaired, you will have to make the decisions unilaterally from that point forward because she will not be able to understand what is in her best interest or in yours.
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I have all of these issues with my mother ...and father who is at home with 24 hr caregivers. All she does is bitch and she can have whatever she wants monetarily. She makes me angry all of the time because she won't go to senior groups and complains about her friends dying. I am dragging her to a Drs appt. in August. She makes me so angry. Expects me to be there every Sat eve. now. It's a big hassle to change around the days I see her even though I work M-F. Trying to detach and not feel guilty. She is a good person but at 87 years old, with my Dad not healthy, her personlaity has changed to depressed, bossy and know-it-all. She won't even consider taking any meds to help, let alone a new social group.
Should I let it be?
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Perhaps a parrot? They love to talk too, but got to be careful what they are hearing. LOL.
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I have an aunt that talks a lot. Like non stop. Most of us get tired of hearing it, especially the same thing over and over. She came over today and by chance was well into one of her monologues when I had to leave the room. It hit me: leave her there with my mom (ALZ). Because mom doesn't understand anything any way but my mom will try to reply once in a while.and my aunt isn't making too much sense anyway.... :-) If you don't have any such relative maybe you can get a church volunteer to sit and visit with her. Even if you are there the chatty volunteer can keep your mom occupied. Maybe even several volunteers that could come once a week or once every other week and there is always someone new for your mom and the volunteers won't get bogged down by your mom's negativity. Be sure to ask for the really talkative people when you call the churches to ask for volunteers! Just had another thought, maybe a volunteer who is hard of hearing would also be good!
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It sounds like your Mom loves you very much and does want to be with you. I wish my Mom would go somewhere with me. I would love to go to lunch or a movie but she refuses to leave the house. I do see that you have your hands full with your son as well but have you ever thought to ask you Mom for HELP? They want to be needed and have a purpose in life and if your Mom could HELP you with something like playing a game with your son so you could start dinner or laundry, that might fill her needs. If this doesn't work then I would just say to Mom, "Come on Mom lets go back to church (or whatever it may be) and see who we can meet today." Encourage her to give them a second chance and if she complains, see if you can turn it into a joke or get a giggle out of it. I have noticed with myself that sometimes we just see everything as being so serious when we can turn it around and when she complains about the food, just ask her "Gee Mom how bad was it?" and see if you can make her laugh about it. I have a cousin who is sooo good at this and I am trying to see if I can make that more a part of my day.

I have worked for Ophthalmologists and your Mom's Macular Degeneration may be scaring her, it would me. You are slowly losing your vision, basically going blind. Sometimes you lose central vision and can only see around the sides (peripheral vision) sometimes it is the outside vision that goes and some people just lose the vision all at once. I can see why your Mom would want to be with you and experience as many things as possible as she could lose her vision entirely. Hopefully she has the type that is a very slow progression but be aware she is frightened and wants to be close to you the daughter she loves.
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MOM is just like yours except she lives with me and I can't escape. Lol. I am it. I have a companion who comes three days a week and that has helped some. My husband and I can at v least go somewhere. She really can't go anywhere without close supervision but I figure she can see, read, do puzzles, watch TV, watch the birds at the bird feeder. Lots of things, but she sits like a bump on a log if I don't suggest things for her to do. I don't even like her which is sad and very hard to vote with day in and day out. My life want supposed to be like this at 64. I'm trying to make the best of it, though. So, I get it. I really do.
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I just want to remind everyone that guilt is anger turned inward. It is the minds reaction to what its feels in inappropriate anger towards someone or something that you are doing. It does not mean that you are or have done something wrong it is just a reaction of the mind. Understanding this is a way to free us of the guilt and understand that it is OK to feel relieved. You need only to do the best that you can do and to make sure that you take care of you first. If you do not take care of you, then you will not be there to take care of anyone else. Take care and be good to yourselves.
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In short, you are not responsible for her entertainment in addition to all the other activities you do for her. You are only one person and need to have a life of your own (or go nuts, just ask me). There are senior groups everywhere that she can get involved in and needs to be around people of her own age group. If she refuses to participate, don't feel guilty about it. It's not your responsibility to control her reactions and choices. It's hers. (This is one of the areas where caregiveing is very hard on the caregiver.)
I had the same problem with my Mother. She expected me to provide everything for her, and no one can do this, no one. It takes a team of people like the teams found in a good caregiving facility, independent living, assisted living, whatever. But, I tried to do all for a while because it was her wish to stay in her own home until the end. But it just wore me out and badly affected my health. When she fell, and I couldn't get her back up and had to call 911 have two burly guys pick her up, I knew the change point had been reached. She now won't be able to stay in her home as she wanted--mainly because she would not do her exercises to keep her physical abilities up so she can function unless I stood right there every day and did all the exercises with her. This is all about just wanting constant attention. Can't do it! Not with all the other necessary duties I have to do to take care of her. So, when she was transferred to a rehab facility, instead of feeling guilty for not being able to keep her at home as she wished, I was SO RELIEVED! She has physical therapy, meals in the dining room with other seniors, all kinds of activities, movies, etc, and she is happier (but doesn't realize it yet). This is the kind of stimulating environment that she needs. But, she still is focused on "when will I be able to go home?"
I mention this because I'm in tatters and now have time to build myself back up to good health (which I had before starting caregiving) because I don't want you to allow yourself to get to this miserable point.
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Hi Linda - Thanks for telling how u are doing!!! My Mom used to be that way too. I had to lay it on the line with her. I said "I am a very, very busy person trying to juggle a lot here so ur just going to have to understand if I can't spend a lot of time with you. Also, I won't pick u up for church anymore if you don't STOP telling how great my useless other siblings are and complain about Dad nonstop!!!" I told her to call my sister and complain to her because she was killing me. What I'm saying is you have to lay the law down. You call the shots. Tell her won't pick her up from the Villa anymore if she doesn't change her attitude around you. When she's on the couch talking about all the negative things say to her, STOP with all the negative talk Mom or you can't come here again. See how that goes!!! and Let her pout!!! Who cares??!! She'll get over it and you'll have made a little bit of progress that day. That's one angle.

I also know that I cannot change my Mom. What I CAN change is how I process all the shit she puts on my plate. It's what I can control. And If I can just not absorb all her shit and complaining, I'll have a better day. It's kind of a survival technique and easier said than done. But if you focus, you can do it. Keep us posted and yes, pray from STRENGTH!!

xo
-SS
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Hi Linda - Thanks for telling how u are doing!!! My Mom used to be that way too. I had to lay it on the line with her. I said "I am a ve,ry very busy person trying to juggle a lot here so ur just going to have to understand if I can't spend a lot of time with you. Also, I won't pick u up for church anymore if you don't STOP telling how great my useless other siblings are and complain about Dad nonstop!!!" I told her to call my sister and complain to her because she was killing me. What I'm saying is you have to lay the law down. You call the shots. Tell her won't pick her up from the Villa anymore if she doesn't change her attitude around you. When she's on the couch talking about all the negative things say to her, STOP with all the negative talk Mom or you can't come here again. See how that goes!!! and Let her pout!!! Who cares??!! She'll get over it and you'll have made a little bit of progress that day. That's one angle.

I also know that I cannot change my Mom. What I CAN change is how I process all the shit she puts on my plate. It's what I can control. And If I can just not absorb all her shit and complaining, I'll have a better day. It's kind of a survival technique and easier said than done. But if you focus, you can do it. Keep us posted and yes, pray from STRENGTH!!

xo
-SS
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THANK YOU ALL FOR THE ENCOURAGEMENT. UNFORTUNATELY HER VILLAS DO NOT HAVE SOCIAL ACTIVITIES. BUT THERE IS A SENIOR CENTER THAT HAS BINGO AND LUNCH..SHE WENT ONCE, DIDN'T LIKE THE "OLD" PEOPLE THERE AND HATED THE FOOD! LOL. SHE IS OBSESSED WITH MY LIFE AND THINKS SHE SHOULD BE INVITED TO EVERYTHING I DO. SO ABOUT ONCE A WEEK I WILL BRING HER TO MY HOUSE FOR DINNER. BUT SHE WANTS ME TO SIT WITH HER. BUT THATS A CHALLENGE SINCE SHE ONLY TALKS ABOUT ALL THE BAD THINGS SHE REMEMBERS..NEVER ADMITS TO A HAPPY TIME! IF I CONFRONT HER, SHE GETS ALL "BUTT HURT" AND POUTS! LORD PLEASE GIVE ME STRENGTH..I DON'T WANT TO FEEL GUILTY WHEN SHES GONE, FOR GOOD.
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OMG - I have one of those mothers! I have a couple of caregivers/companions to entertain her, but it's always whine whine whine ... never enough ... I am setting limits bc she is an empty vessel and no reason she should drain even more out of me. Of course, I still overdo it for her, but I am learning ...
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You are doing a great job with your mother. You have tried to get her involved in activities with church and other things and she does not like that, she wants you. The senior village that she lives most likely has activities that she does not want to be involved. This might take a little tough love because you son has to be your priority in your life. Dad just would not get involved in anything but his DirectTv. When he moved in with us, we took him with us wherever we went (store, zoo, grocery store, Sea World) that was entertainment. You are not responsible for her entertainment since she is living on her own or you can kill her with kindness and take her everywhere with you as long as you set the ground rules that she cannot be negative while going with you. You can be kind and strong and tell her that the village has many activities as well as church and maybe the senior center and does not have to go out with you. Be kind to yourself.
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Can she afford to hire a parttime caregiver to lessen your load and give you more opportunities to do things with her than for her? Is she willing to attend a senior center? If she is still capable of living independently, she definately has the responsibility to make herself happy and not rely on you. I am glad you put your son first before your mother. Now do that for yourself!
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We are caregivers. Our first priority is keep our dependent safe, clean and fed. We are NOT responsible for their amusement. I do the necessary for my Mom as best as I can, and if she has a fun day out every so often, that's a bonus! Let's be realistic. We also need to care for us.
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Linda - for four years now I have done EVERYTHING for both my Mom and Dad, who live down the road AND DON'T DRIVE (Dad actually in NH now), just like you. I was errand girl, exhausted and resentful and then my negative, self-medicating mother would complain, "I'd like to go out to dinner or shopping.Why can't we do that more often?!" I would think, I can't possibly be the entertainment committee too!!!! Pa-lease!!! With no help from either sibling. My mother has got involved in a social group here in town and met friends at church. She's doing better keeping busy. And I'm doing better saying no, I can't do that for you right now.

Stay strong. Don't feel guilty. Really.

xo
-SS
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Glad you laughed onlyoneholly, if I don't get some belly laughs I truly will be committed, playing banjo with lower lip, as it is I talk to the crows, birds, critters, my companions, well it is what it is. Laughing is like internal joggings, so let me and you do it more. My mother absolutely refused to go to the center, she thought she was going in a home, now she says if the bus is not running, "well, when is the bus picking me up, my friends will worry about me, I love it up there." LOL, quoted from the woman who did not want to be with all those old biddies and farts, she is cleansed after a good day of complaining with her buds about everything from me, heartburn to constipation or lack of. I need to be sane, please mom, get out of the house for me and you.
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Linda -- yes, please consider Madeaa's suggestions. I have some similar parallels to your descriptions. If your mother can live on her own in a Senior Village, this is a good start. Please re-check the sources of "entertainment" at the villa and ask for help from Senior Support Groups in your area. Don't give up at the first refusal by her. If she is "bored" sometimes, but is safe and cared for, then you are doing a good job -- please do not be hard on yourself.

Sometimes, for our own sanity and to keep our focus for many responsibilities, we have to turn a "deaf ear" to minor complaints, like "boredom."

"Madeaa" your comment about them "getting out of the house to bitch together" cracked me up. Thanks, I needed that chuckle.
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Well be thankful she is living in a senior villa near you and not with you! Get her involved with a senior group, yes they have people who have macular degeneration, wheelchair bound, all sorts of issues, but they get out of the house and bitch together, it is amazing how it helps them. She'll get hot meals, have some senior activities, sometimes they take trips. Look into this, if she is entertained by other activities she won't rely on you to be her full focus. So to answer your question, yes make sure she is entertained so you will be sane.
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