What are caregiver rights when dealing with elderly parent with borderline personality disorder?

Well said stargn......the last thing that folks that come onto this forum need is....JUDGEMENT. We get enough of that with our own situations. Snarky comments need to be made about rough situations....not at each other.

Wow so harsh. I am a child of an elderly parent who has been recently diagnosed with BPD but, I knew this about her my entire life - and I mean as far back as I can remember being alive. As the only child of 3 who has anything to do with mom, let me say that even though I KNOW she has this disorder and can be cruel and spiteful, I still help because I feel no one should be alone when they pass. Mom has burned every bridge and her siblings don't want anything to do with her either. My 90 yr. old mom has played head games with all of us kids and is very good at lying to me and sucking me in to believing things will be different and better. She has turned on the charm by stating that she wants to start over and really bond with me and that she realizes I'm the only one who cares about her and she truly loves me and my family. As her only daughter who has only known emotional and physical abuse from this woman, I found myself hoping that "this time it will be better." I've had to tell myself that I need to accept that I have a biological mother and not a huggy, squishy, really loves me kind of mom. That doesn't make me ill nor does it make me a scam artist. Even though she's leaving everything to just one brother, I'm still taking care of her in my home, living pay check to paycheck and not charging her a dime. I'm not holding out for an inheritance, it's just the right thing to do - for me. Many people aren't as strong nor as logical and I can see where a daughter who perhaps has been struggling, got caught up in the offer, She DID write, "in order to get us here she offered...Her mother could be agreat actress as mine is. That doesn't make her a horrible daughter and it doesn't make me want to cry for her mother. Her mother reminds me of mine and could be very twisted with plans to use her daughter. There is nothing wrong with wanting to take an offer given to you that would change your life. None of you know what her mom is really like. Glass houses.

nooge54,

Sorry, I got you confused with Jdriver215 somehow. But much of it applies anyhow for dealing with someone who has borderline personality disorder is dealing with one.

nooge54,

I'm glad that my post was helpful.

From my perspective with the right therapist and those resources, plus application, you can find a level of peace that you don't have right now from what I can tell. Her response to you establishing healthy boundaries is not going to be a beautiful picture at all. It will be rather messy for she'll try her best to hoover you back into her emotional world with a major onslaught of Fear, Obligation and Guilt.

As, I've told others, that's when you have to have such a passion to reach other side of this that you have the view of take no prisoners along with an outlook that says damn the torpedoes like one Navy Admiral once said in a battle and won for the torpedoes all failed.

Although as a man, I don't claim to know anything about childbirth other than observing and coaching my wife through it, I find it a useful analogy for dealing with this stuff is like giving birth to a new life, your own. It involves labor and pain both those tend to be forgotten after the baby is born. Like childbirth, it needs professional support like a baby doctor. I told my therapist recently, that I bet he never heard him as psychological baby doctor helping someone give birth to their own new life, but he got the idea.

I'm not sure there is safety in the eye of the storm for the F.O.G. of the storm is so engulfing and powerful. I have a relative with BPD and I can only handle to be in what I call the emotional world of Oz for so much time at a time before I must physically leave so that my feet keep planted in Kansas.

Take care of yourself, your marriage, your children first and don't let taking care of your mother throw anyone under the bus. Be a detached loving adult daughter and remember the adult part as well as detached.

cmagnum, thanks so much for all the resources above. I plan to order several. I appreciate your post. Believe me, I know I will never have peace until my mother is dead. I do not wish her an early death, I only wish for me to find the safety in the eye of the storm. Thanks again.

Below is information from medicinenet (dot) com that may help.

Sometimes bipolar disorder can be very difficult to distinguish and thus diagnose from borderline personality disorder.

The first is a mood disorder that has chemical based causes that can be treated with meds.

The other is a personality disorder which has social/psychological causes that can be helped with meds and individual plus group therapy but there are not any specific meds for Borderline Personality Disorder like there are for bipolar disorder. It is unfortunate that they share the same letters BPD.

Over time the two the diagnosis can flip flop if things were not clear at the first. What's more confusing is that a person could be diagnosed with both. I've known some who were.

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Bipolar disorder:

A mood disorder sometimes called manic-depressive illness or manic-depression that characteristically involves cycles of depression and elation or mania.

Sometimes the mood switches from high to low and back again are dramatic and rapid, but more often they are gradual and slow, and intervals of normal mood may occur between the high (manic) and low (depressive) phases of the condition. The symptoms of both the depressive and manic cycles may be severe and often lead to impaired functioning.

The symptoms of bipolar disorder depend upon whether the sufferer is experiencing a depressive or manic episode. A person must have experienced at least one manic episode to be diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

Symptoms and signs of manic episodes include elevated or expansive mood, rushed or pressured speech, racing thoughts, decreased need for sleep, poor judgment, increased goal-directed activity, impulsivity, grandiose thoughts (thinking one has superpowers or special abilities), and tangential speech (switching topics frequently).

Both phases of the disease are deleterious. Mania affects thinking, judgment, and social behavior in ways that may cause serious problems and embarrassment. For example, unwise business or financial decisions may be made when an individual is in a manic phase.

Depression can also affect thinking, judgment, and social behavior in ways that may cause grave problems. For example, it elevates the risk of suicide.

Bipolar disorder has a number of types, including bipolar I and bipolar II disorder based on the severity of symptoms, and may be described as mixed or rapid cycling based on the duration and frequency of episodes.
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Borderline personality disorder:

A personality disorder characterized by consistently problematic ways of (black/white) thinking, feeling, and interacting, impulsivity, negative self-image and fear of abandonment, leading to difficulties with forming and maintaining interpersonal relationships, highly emotional but irrational rages or aggressive behavior along with rapid shifts in values, self-image, mood, and behavior..

In order to be diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, the sufferer must experience at least five of the following symptoms: unstable self-image, relationships or emotions, severe impulsivity, repeated suicidal behaviors or threats, chronic feelings of emptiness, inappropriate anger, trouble managing anger, or transient paranoia or dissociation.

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My own experience with a person having borderline personality disorder is that they can fly into an irrational rage in a second and lasts for what seems like forever, and then be so ultra sweet with no memory of just being in a rage at all. I've had the unfortunate experience of a woman who went into the most irrational, verbally abusive rage out of the clear blue and then suddenly become the most seductive sweet person on earth.

Borderlines are great at wearing masks, creating drama and hoovering (sucking) others into their drama. To a large degree borderlines think impulsively not rationally. Their self image is usually extremely negative despite of the masks they wear. Their fear of abandonment can be triggered by about anything and they will often abandon someone before that person does that to them in fear that that person is going to abandon them soon anyway. See how impulsive and irrational such thought is?

I have never experienced that sort of black/whilte, irrational, impulsivity with someone who has bipolar disorder which I have and my wife has. We know when we are manic or very depressed and remember it. Also, we don't characterize people into narrow categories of all good or all bad along with the frequent changing of categories that someone with borderline personality disorder does.

I've seen my wife's moods go into what's called rapid cycling where she immediately went from crying to laughing over and over again until we go her medical help.

I hope these medical definitions help.

I forgot to add that when it comes to diagnosis. Close family members are usually the first to know. This is mainly because we see the symptoms up close and personal, without any showtiming that is put on for the outside world. My only question when it comes to borderline people is if it is really borderline personality or is it bipolar. Sometimes they can behave alike. I've wondered if some bipolar people can take on borderline traits when there's a lot of agitation. I don't know.

Jdriver, glad you came back. It sounds like you are getting everything back together. People with bipolar can promise you the word and leave you holding the bag, then blaming you with it. Many of us know what you probably faced, since we've been in the same position. From what you wrote in your last message, it looks like you could give us advice on how to deal with this type situation.

Your mother left you with a mess. What always surprised me with a bipolar or narcissistic parent is that they never care how they might have hurt their child. It always becomes the fault of the child and the parent becomes the victim. I was sorry to see that this support group did the same thing to you. Guess you could call us "support-group dearest." It does seem like the world is like that. It is the reason I don't talk about the things my mother does outside the house. Strange that judgment usually falls on the child and sympathy goes to the parent.

This thread did get off to a most interesting start.

Your mother needs some help, but not at the expense of you and your family. I would look for various ways to get your mom help, get out on the outside of that environment, and get some therapy to help you from getting hoovered back into he drama.

Borderlines are called a drama queen or mommy dearest for a reason. They create dramas of their self made tornadoes that they step inside and act like the victim. of.

Other than getting hospitalized for being a danger to themselves or others and thus getting diagnosed, many with BPD and NPD are never diagnosed because they are just not gong to go get a diagnosis and help. I've heard that a great majority of males with BPD are in prison while a great majority of females with BPD are the most frequent visitors to the hospital pscyh ward.

Very often therapists will not tell someone with BPD or NPD who are there for their depression that they have these bigger issues. Many therapists run from people with such a diagnosis. Others have a limit of how many they will see.

There are helpful effective treatments like DBT which along with individual therapy and meds can help a person get much more control of their emotions, their black/white thinking, what triggers them and impulsive thinking. However, DTB is hard group therapy work which includes a workbook. The personal therapy part involves hard work. So many with BPD start out in the right direction, but stop their therapist, change therapists very frequently and sometimes stop their meds until they land in the hospital again.

nooge54, the tough thing with being a trained therapist, is that all goes out the window when it comes to one's own family in the sense that you can't be your family's therapist.

Like you wrote, there is a huge difference in knowing what should happen and actually making it happen can be difficult. The standard advice that I have seen for loved ones of someone with borderline personality disorder is to go into therapy themselves to get beyond the walking on eggshells, the codependency, what many call the BPD fleas which are impossible to avoid living around somone with BPD, and so forth.

One book on mental illness in a family in general is,

Amador, Xavier. I Am Not Sick I Don’t Need Help! Peconic, NY: Vida Press, 2000. A practical guidebook on how to work more productively with mentally ill persons who deny their illness and refuse medication.

Specifically about BPD are the following books.

Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You. NY: Harper-Collins Publishers, 1997. by Susan Forward

The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells.by Randi Kreger

It contains a discussion of 3 clusters of persons with BPD. First, the classic mental health picture as seen in I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me. Second, is the high functioning person whose BPD illness is hidden to all but their family. It is very likely that a majority of people with BPD are in this cluster. Third is a mixture of one and two. These are not closed clusters because there is some overlap.

The Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook by Randi Kreger, with James Paul Shirely.

There are some wonderful online support and educational groups for those with a family member who has BPD that are arranged in types of groups like married to, child of, parent of , etc. You can find that at BPD Central.

There is also a site Out of the Fog which is good but not as old, large of resourceful in my opinion as the first of its kind on this subject BPD Central.

There are books for spouses of someone with BPD and one for a parent of someone with BPD.

However, for the adult child of a parent with BPD, there is

Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust by Kimberlee Roth, and Freda B. Friedman.

and my favorite on this subject.

Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship by Christine Ann Lawson, Ph.D. and Jason Aronson.

My short list for books to buy would be

The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells.by Randi Kreger

The Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook by Randi Kreger, with James Paul Shirely. Kreger draws deeply from Lawson's Understanding the Borderline Mother in creating this practical guide to establishing and maintaining boundaries.

I would check out BPD Central for support between seeing a therapist. You and your husband need to be in therapy to deal effectively with your mom, your life and your marriage and your family.

As someone whose wife's mom has bordeline personality disorder and is very narcissistic, I would never take an 11 year old child or a child of any age into that environment and as a dad I would refuse to go and have my child in such an abusive environment. You grew up around this and probably can endure it easier than others, but rest of us don't need to be exposed to it as children or as spouses.

The children starting their own lives need to do just that our your mother will seek and probably prevail in hoovering them in like she hoovered you in, plus they have seen your lesson by example.

You may have wished I'd left out my closing comments, but that is my perspective from my own experience and what I've gained from others who have been there.

I wish you the best in dealing with this mess for you are going to need to get all of the help you can get.

Love, prayers and cyber hugs.

When I posted this, I was looking for support and suggestions on how to deal with the chaos that my mothers actions were causing my family. I was shocked at the cruelty of some of the responses. My mother was never supporting me or any of my family nor was that ever expected. This was a cross country move and at the time of my post I thought the only alternative was for us to return to where we came from as the work I did before retiring required me to be in a large metropolitan area! I did not want to leave my adult children here to return. They are out on their own and just getting started In their careers, I felt as though that would be abandoning them as they would not be returning with us.
This is a rural, somewhat depressed area and work for me is hard to come by. For the last 2 years were spent improving my mother's property (large acreage) in exchange for letting us be here. My husband works and travels full time. We lost money in the sale of our home and did not have funds to put down on a new one.
There's a lot of history of mom playing me and my sister against each other so I believed the fault with the situation not working lay with my sister, not my mom. (Mom's illness - abuse, anger and manipulation)
We are moving on and I am searching for employment, we have found housing in this area so my youngest does not have to change schools again. My family will be fine, in truth it's better for us, but where does that leave Mom? To
Nooge - i hope you find peace and comfort - reading your post felt like I was reading about our situation. We can't fix it. I know this is a long post and I feel like I'm whining but the rush to judgement really hurt when I was looking for help. And yes, I was and am concerned for my family too, that's not unreasonable. It's easier for me to forgive than it is for them - I've had years of therapy to help ;). I will continue to be here for my mother when she needs me and take it as it comes.

Thank you for the hugs and comments. As a therapist, I appreciate the conversation. This by itself is therapeutic for me. Sometimes knowing what should happen and actually making it happen can be difficult. I know I should proceed with getting Mom diagnosed by an outside provider, but unless I have her B0==aker Acted during one of her tantrums, it is not possible to get her willingly to see someone. BPDs have NO idea they are ill. And trust me, if someone tries to insinuate they need help...HIDE THE GUNS! Have to laugh to keep from crying. I could also see an elder attorney to investigate my options, but most charge around $250.00 an hour and up. I keep putting off that option trying to save money. Also, I think the finality of that decision, because regardless of the options, in my mind, I feel certain that it will be like my Mom dying to me. Her head would spin around like the chick on the exorcist and her hate would be felt around the world like a seismic event. I am expert on these things, as I have experience dealing with her outburst of pure venom and evil behavior. Professionally, I know full well that she is ill. Knowing and dealing with a BPD is two totally different things. Many in my profession cringe at the thought of treating a BPD because redirection and boundary setting with such patients is painful at best and scary at worst. However, it always ends the same, the BPD loves you and then when the actual therapy begins, so does the hate...the BPD cannot tolerate any critique or constructive criticism. The BPD sees themselves as all knowing, all wonderful, and can only hate those who do not agree. Again, thanks to all for your comments. I know journaling is very therapeutic and writing all of this is helping me.

I cringe when I read about actions being taken because of promise of inheritance later. There is such a significant shift occurring in one generation, that assets willed to family may in fact be used for care of an elder living into his/her 90's.

Reality is that even if the elder signs all the paperwork to leave the home to a child, if that elder needs AL or NH, all bets are off.

I agree with Nooge, that no one should be put in a position to care for a BPD parent.
Knowing a parent had this diagnosis, why would the original poster expose their children to these behaviors?

Nooge, spending years in therapy, wondering how MOM could be that way (as you described) (cannot speak ill of the dead), my sister and I were left wondering the same. Wondering what was wrong with her, and what diagnosis she would have had. She may have had borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder (learned about on this site because of cmagnum's posts); bipolar disorder, or any number of other psych illnesses that will remain undiagnosed because she died. My point is: 1) get a proper diagnosis for the proper treatment and 2) with a psychiatric diagnosis, ask a doctor (geriatric psych) where placement should be because most facilities treating dementia, alzheimer's, and other memory issues are not suited to treat psychiatic issues. Trying out these facilities hoping mom will behave is unrealistic, and just wrong. She will end up over-medicated and with the wrong meds. Get help finding placements that can help her and not punish her for being ill. Start with an accurate diagnosis.

Not to be cruel, but I'm afraid I got three lines into the original post and burst out laughing. The OP wanted to be sure she and her family had "some protection from this sort of thing" so… she sold her house and moved in with her mother with no protection from this sort of thing whatsoever.

But I am not unsympathetic to your situation from here, because saying "you were wise before the event but for some undisclosed reason discarded all of your wisdom and went merrily ahead anyway" will not get you further forward, will it.

What I'm not clear about is what you are hoping for, or what your main anxieties are. Is the eviction a real prospect? Are you concerned about how your mother will be cared for? Is there anything stopping you and your husband restoring the status quo and moving out again? (I don't include the social preferences of a child among sound reasons for that).

You know, I feel confident, that you have no rights of any description. A verbal agreement, given by an elderly lady wishing her child to do something, is a non-starter. You had no formal agreement. You say you are concerned about her ability to manage independently but in the same breath say she won't allow you to do anything about it.

It reads as though you feel that the way to strike the balance between your mother's needs and those of your family is for your mother to gift you outright her house. That would be a handsome compliment, but what practical problems would it solve? I can't follow your train of thought.

I join blannie in giving you a big hug. This one may be beyond your ability to handle. I wonder if there is a way that you could work with the AL facility to have her taken to the ER when she is acting out so that she can be admitted to for geri psych evaluation. Have they tried something like Ativan to try to help calm the anger? Sometimes the benzodiazepines can work in smoothing unreasonable anger.

The abuse a borderline parent can dump on their children leaves a lot of emotional scars. There is nothing that you can do that is right in their eyes. blannie's suggestion of letting the state take charge may be a good one, so that you can watch more at a distance and give yourself a break from the abuse. I don't know what else you can do at this point. I would talk with a county social worker to see what kind of help is available for her.

Boy Nooge, I don't have great advice for you, just a big virtual hug. I am so, so sorry you are going through this and have had to deal with your mom your whole life. And as an only child. It's SUCH a burden on you! Hugs...hugs...hugs from me.

You may be near the point of simply walking away from your mom. Let the state assume care for her. She probably needs to be in a geriatric psychiatric hospital setting. Another caregiver's mom on here has gone that route. You don't deserve the abuse and the responsibility. It may be time to let your mom go; you don't have to carry her any more, in my opinion.

My 83 year old BPD mother (undiagnosed) is in her 2nd Assisted Living Facility. I am a licensed mental health counselor. Of course, with a BPD parent, as most of you know, no one gets away unscathed. My mother's behavior is aggressive, demanding, manipulative, conniving, hateful, verbally and physically abusive. She often has fits of rage and threatens others. She threw the facility's Administrator cell phone against the wall yesterday. We have had her on medication for the anger (it has dual purposes and we did not tell her it was for the anger and aggression because she would have refused it). As most of you know, BPD do no wrong and have nothing wrong with their behavior). I am waiting for this facility to tell me she has to go. I cannot care for her in my home. No one should be put in a position of caring for a BPD. I am an only child, so I have no relief. I have set boundaries with little relief. My mother believes I told her that I wish she would die. That is not true. She believes that I have stolen her money. That is not true. I spend enormous amounts of time paying her bills and juggling money. I have done everything in my power to see that she is in a wonderful place. The last place she let was a nightmare. She refused ALL medications, cussed staff, was threatening staff and others there, was belligerent and hateful to all. All she wanted was to get out. I moved her like she wanted. She has been in the new facility less than 3 months. Of course, it was heaven at first and predictably, she now hates it because someone disagreed with her about something. She is threatening to sue because this facility insists she stays on her medication. I do not know what I will do if they kick her out. I am fast running out of options and she is running out of money. I know this is a long rant, but maybe the first therapeutic thing I have done for myself ever. My mother has abused me mentally and physically for as long as I have memory. She is the reason I went into the mental health field. I had to know how a human being could be so cold to their offspring. I think at this point, I most likely need legally assistance. I would welcome any comments or help. Thanks. Worn OUT in Florida

Jessebelle, you are right about jumping in with not enough information, and I am guilty of doing that. If I had waited, even without more information from the poster, it would have been me presenting your very same more understanding and compassionate points. Hopefully, the poster with the question will understand that everyone can jump to conclusions without enough information. Maybe she will come back to work this out, or even to put us all back in our place for not giving her the benefit of the doubt. She is a caregiver for her mom in a difficult situation with an entire family burden. Let's help her inspite of our own faults.
There, does that work if both sides are presented, because I hope so, sincerely.

Then, GardenArtist, is the fact that borderline personality was not diagnosed or treated in her mom. It is a type B Cluster personality disorder, which includes narcissistic p. d.; and sociopathic p.d. A psychiatrist is qualified to make the diagnosis, not adult children, not a social worker, and not even an internist/pcp. People could help others better if they knew their own limitations, and cared enough to get a definitive and accurate diagnosis, as well as treatment. OP said her mom was not diagnosed. She is only guessing.

Jessie, I've thought about your post since first reading it earlier this morning. Since I have a lot of respect for you, I will try to explain my own position. I know that you're sincere, honest and compassionate. I've been rethinking what I wrote to determine I missed something, but still feel as I did. However, please let me explain.

Borderline and other mental/psychological issues:

That was what I first assumed the post would be, from the title, but reading it suggested that wasn't the priority of concerns. It's a FACTOR, and supporting issue, but I felt that the major issue was the potential of having to move the family as well as their financial issues involved.

I honestly felt that was more the concern than for the mother, and that there was little attempt, as you have shown, to understand the psychological issues the mother faces.

Older Children:

I've reread the OP's sentence several times and see that you're right. I initially assumed the older children moved in later; perhaps I was wrong. That would make a difference if the OP's mother anticipated that the parents and 3 children would be moving in.

In that case, I think both the family and the mother weren't addressing the situation realistically, It's notable that the sister wisely avoided this action. That also suggested to me that the family knew or should have known what it would be facing, yet went ahead and moved in anyway.

As Blannie wrote, we need more information on the situation to refute or support some of the conclusions we made in posting.

Financial issues and moving elsewhere:

You're right again. My position was that parents with 2 grown children and a younger one should have made and should always be making plans to support themselves and their children, and not relying on the mother, as well as helping to launch the grown children into their own lives rather than allowing them to live with their grandmother.

I did read in a Time article sometime ago that a trend of grown children moving back home exists when the adult children are in financial distress, especially when they've completed college and can't get a job in part b/c of their choice of major. This may be a trend for other reasons as well...hard to know for sure.

Maybe the parents both lost jobs; perhaps they have few skills. I don't know, but I did interpret the OP's remarks to suggest that living with the mother was really the only viable course of action now. Again, another interpretation based on the facts provided.

I agree with both sides of the argument, but I also believe that if the original poster knows her mom is fickle (from a lifetime of experience with her) and has already seen the sister go through trying to live with the mom, then she was not using good judgment to move everyone without having anything in writing about the house. And I know this kind of behavior is very common with people everywhere. So just a comment, not a huge judgment about the whole situation.

We need more of the backstory to really comment on what's happening with the whole family and mom.

Wow, you guys are reading so much into this. We don't know how things evolved, yet everyone jumped on this person with both feet. Those of us who have borderline type parents can see how these types of things happen. We don't know if there is no income and the two older children came with them as family. It could be that the area is just too expensive for the people to afford. For example, if I went to NYC, I would quickly go through everything I have.

People with borderline personalities are very changeable. They can lure you in with a promise, then deny they ever made that promise. They can love you to pieces one week and see you as the enemy the next. It is the nature of the personality. I think we should listen, rather than joining in with her mother to dump grief on her head.

I doubt she will be back. I know I wouldn't.

Sorry, we all get a little burnt out on caregiving, I might be having a bad day. But Maggie and Garden Artist are never, or rarely wrong.

You have the right to stand on your own two feet, and so does your husband.
You have the right to earn a living and go live anywhere that is a viable option for working and raising your children.
I agree with your mom, that you all did come there just to freeload, full of love and good intentions. Where does it say anywhere that you can get the title for her home just by living there, you have a sibling heir who already tried that. Can't you wait until you have dedicated 15-20 years towards "caregiving" and then lay claim to her assets? Are you paying rent? Are you self-supporting? Does your husband work? Please say there are no dysfunctional people living there with a drug problem, because mom's home is not a drug rehab. She cannot support 5, that's
f i v e people. She changed her mind, good for her, her paranoid mind is not gone yet! She is obviously still competent. She changed her mind, now change your plans. If you stay, you could lose your husband under her delusional and paranoid rule.
This is about as mean and blatant a way I could muster for your situation so you could see what it looks like to others. I hope that I am entirely wrong.

Looking at the situation from your mother's viewpoint, she invited you, your husband and presumably your 11 year old, but she didn't invite the "2 older children who moved with us and are just starting their own lives".

In my opinion, these "older children" who are starting their lives should be doing exactly that, starting with finding a place of their own and getting jobs if they don't already have them. That's just too much of an imposition on your mother.

You don't write as to how long you've been living with her, so it's unclear if this was a decision she came to gradually or spontaneously.

But I think it's time for your family to move on and create your own life. You wrote that it's not economically viable for you to stay on your own. Forgive me, but why not? You have 3 children yet you're not yet financially in a position to live on your own? Something's amiss here.

I think you need to look at Section 8 or some kind of subsidized housing, and if you're not working, start looking for jobs immediately. With your 11 year old in school, either or both of you could at least work part time.

Your mother wants to be alone; let her. There will be difficulties with her proceeding into older age but apparently she doesn't want you to help her. That may change in time, but right now it's her house.

As to her vision problems, I would at least find alternate transportation modes so that she can get to doctor's appointments. Then let her make her own decisions.

I don't usually disagree with Maggie, but I question whether you even have tenants' rights if you're not paying any rent. Did you sign a lease? Any kind of caregiver agreement including financial arrangements? If you changed your address with a state agency (depending on the state), it may be considered that her home is your legal address. In that case, your mother would likely have to evict you, but do any of you really want to go through that unsettling process?

I think you should (a) start packing and making plans to leave, as well as (b) identify local resources that can help your mother after you do so.

What rights do you wonder about having? The right to force her to honor her verbal promise to give you her house? No, you don't. You have tenants' rights. You have the right to a thirty-day notice before you have to move. And the right of due process in landlord/tenant court.

It's not economically viable for you and your husband and three children to live on your own? That's sad. I could cry for your mom. I really could.