How do I rise above my mother's insults and guilt trips, break out of this rut and get my life back?? I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!
Hi there,
I felt the need to reach out tonight because I am possibly at my wits end. I cry as I write this because I just feel so defeated. I don't know what it's like to feel happy anymore. I have been here with my mom for 2 yrs now, after my father passed away. We lost him unexpectedly to a fall and I happen to be the one who found him. It was the most horrifying experience in my life. My father was my best friend and I miss him more than I could ever explain. As a promise to him, I swore I would never let my mom be alone and that she would always have me to look after her. I know it was his biggest fear. He also worried for me as i was the baby, never married, no children, and really had some tough times in my past, but I had definitely come a long way. After his death, I was forced to rent out my home and move to my parents home by my sister and her husband. I had to quit my job and career where I had been for 6 years. I gave up a lot to come be with my mom and I did it because I promised my dad. My mom is 77 years old and is still somewhat independent, but she has declined so much since Dad passed. She has maculate degeneration in one eye and does not see well, she had to take her drivers test 4 times before she passed and I am still quite positive she should not be driving at all. She has osteoporosis and falls a lot. She is forgetful and shows signs of dementia and alzheimers. I know how my mom will be in the future because I watched her take care of her own mother (my grandma) who had alzheimers and it was hell. This is my destiny... I have to face it. The worst thing about my mom is she has become so mean. Just mean to the very core! She tells me I am fat, a loser, I am ugly. She will tell I am stupid, no man will ever want me, I don't do anything to help her, she thinks I am a mental case and starts in with her Bible verses that pretty much in her mind explains I am going to hell. She will turn around the next day and tell me I am a good daughter, buy me twinkies and cookies, tells me I am smart not to put up with any man's bs and you get the jist of it...contradicts herself. I can't even talk things out with her because she always brings her religion into it and it's a no win situation. I feel as if my mom isn't happy unless she is b*tching about something and I am the whipping post. Her negativity is overwhelming and I see it getting worse everyday. I live in a granny unit on the property, her house is 5 ft away. She will get her binoculars out and watch me through the window! She will call me 50 times a day. She comes over when I am away and turns on my lights or opens my shades, then complains that I live like a slob and to do my dishes.She will take my dog over to her house and complain that he misses me when I am gone and she felt bad for him, but continues to gripe to my siblings that she has to take care of my dog. She talks mean about my siblings to me, then turns around and tells them mean things about me. Tonight I went to a friends for a few hours to visit, I got 10 phone calls from her asking when I was coming back. I answer every call because the "what if" starts going through my head. What if she fell, what if she needs me, what if.... I came home right away only to hear a lecture about what a liar I am for saying I wouldn't be gone more than an hour, she doesn't have anyone to talk to so I shouldn't either or I should be sitting over there with her instead of going to see one of my "stupid friends." Then told me to get out of her house and she was packing her bags and leaving. I felt like saying THANK GOD GO!!! I just can't take it anymore. I feel guilty when I mention moving out because the look on her face just breaks my heart. My sister lives 2 minutes away from us and comes over 1 time a month if that. I have learned to become a mechanic, a gardener, a plumber, a house keeper and a pool boy. I clean the crap she leaves behind on her toilets, the 2 inch thick dust on her bazillion knick knacks. I am the cable guy, I am the computer tech, I am the search and rescue for when she loses her dog, her glasses, her phone... I do everything I can for her and I resent my siblings for not doing anything to help. I sometimes feel it's my fate, with no children and husband. My siblings went back to their lives after Dad passed, mine is the only one besides mom's that has changed. I am depressed and I can't seem to pull myself out of this rut. I feel horrible about myself most of the time and it just gets worse. I want my life back and I haven't even started it yet. Does that make sense? I am 44 years old and just started living when all of this happened. Now I feel like I never will know what it is to be self sufficient, hard working and independent. I can't even hold my head up high because the negativity that surrounds me is pushing it down. Someone please help me.
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Honoring your mother and father sometimes means leaving them to their own devices; not totally but in someone else's care and if they are adamant about their independence to notify whatever authority so we do not get the backlash.
Please do not let your mother's "religion" poison your own personal relationship with God. The next time she quotes the Bible to you quote back Psalm 27,10: "When my father and mother forsake me, then the Lord will take me up."
This verse has had a profound affect in my life and speaks volumes of peace to my soul.
She may very well be the one going to hell for abusing you all these years and not repenting from her sin toward you. Individuals like you and I may never understand narcissists but we do know right from wrong.
I once jokingly introduced myself to a nurse in the hospital as "the servant". My mother laughed & said: "That's the way I planned it 50 years ago." Reality bites hard but at least I know where I stand with her. I/we have worth and value to God even if our parents think of us as nothing more than servants. I would much rather be a servant to the God who cares for me than the parent who doesn't. I pray the peace & blessings of God for all of us.
Well, after I brought her to live with me, it got so bad, that, like you, I was crying all the time and just tired and miserable. My doctor asked me if I was suicidal, and I said, "Well, I would never kill myself, but if a car were speeding towards me, I wouldn't move out of the way, either" He suggested that I join this site,see a psychologist, and he put me on an antidepressant. The psychologist said, that I was fine...that he would feel the same as me, if put in the same situation, and dismissed me after 2 visits. What a difference all this made! I not only stopped crying, but was able to take mom's criticism with a grain of salt. I was able to smile/laugh at things she said, or as I said things that might've caused her to go off before.
Know what else? As *I* relaxed, so did she. Eventually, she learned that her criticism did no good and she was wasting her breath. Things are much more 'normal' now. That's not saying that we never have days where we are misunderstood, but they are fewer and farther between.
MAYBE, my mom wasn't as bad as you're mom was....(although it seemed that she couldn't get any worse)....but it's worth a try. What have you got to lose? If this post helps even ONE of you, then I'm glad I wrote it.
Nope, by golly, she wouldn't get it. Hard for me to see my mother allow herself to become so miserable and living the rest of her good years so badly. The biggest worry I have is that I will end up just like her someday. I can't let that happen to me my friends, I am so afraid. Product of my environment? Gene Pool? Say 100 hail marys?? =) Much love to all of you!!!
Kristine
To be real honest with you, it might be good to apologize for the worst things you said, like wishing she was dead, BUT let that be on the way out the door...don't let her make you or convince you stay to be emotionally and verbally abused any further. Tell her look, its not working for me to stay here, I (or we) should never have let it get to this point where I just exploded, but I can't take being yelled and fussed at and belittled every day and it does not do your soul any good for me to let you. Tell her to get help for her unhappiness, because her just venting it all on someone who she thinks can take it/will take it has not made it any better and never will. Tell her to talk to her pastor and get her religious ideas straightened out, because no religion teaches people to be hateful and dump on everyone else who needs to be loved and valued just as much as they do.
BLESS you many times for writing back, and on your starting out on a new life for yourself. The road may not be easy, but you are not alone on it!
And I totally disagree that just because you came on here, described your life now – which pretty much describes most caregivers on this site – a promise to care for their dementia parent, the giving up of your job,home, and moving in, the reality of the true abuses done to you as the Only Sibling to step up and care for that parent – I totally disagree on the comment that your emotional development was stunted at age 10. That was really uncalled for. It is obvious you are New to this situation and asking for help. Sometimes, I wish that longtime caregivers on this site Remember What It Was Like in the Beginning of Their Journey as Caregivers.
I also agree with a lot of the other advices given to you. So, I’m not going to repeat it. I think the first step is trying to get your mom to the doctor for proper diagnosis. When was the last time she had her yearly physical? Use that as a stepping stone to see her doctor about her current dementia - if she’s starting it, etc… Once she gets diagnosed with beginning stage of dementia, doors open to you from programs/organizations. That’s how we were able to get meals-on-wheels lunches, a govt paid caregiver to provide 4 hrs services a week, another program that provided us limited funds to buy whatever supplies mom needed for a year. I also strongly suggest hopping around this site and reading as much as you can on the different topics. You will learn what others had gone through (soooo similar to yours!), how they and other posters handled it. That’s what I did when I found this site last year June. When I was done, I knew what to expect with mom and with father and my options.
Ok, now you realize, as so many of us, making those deathbed promises was a huge, gigantic mistake. I wish our brains had a zapper in them for the moments we get all emotional and promise to take care of someone. I did it, like a fool, a few minutes before my father passed away. What in the world was I thinking? My mother and I never got along nor liked each other...how did I possibly think I could take care of her and come out sane?
Look forward, not backward starting today. Help mom get someone to come in and help her or whatever works best. Then leave. You can give her care without living in the same house. If you work up the courage, tell her you don't want to be around her and that you will not take her verbal abuse one more day.
Stop worrying about your sibs not helping. They are not going to. Ignore them, forget them whatever you choose. It'll be one less burden for you. Right now your load is overwhelming. You need to unload, one burden at a time.
Your mom gave you twinkles yet called you fat. My mom's treat was Peeps for me while she she said "aren't you ever going to lose weight?" Yep, nothing like your mom tearing you down with every word. She also did this to my daughter, who can't stand her grandma because of it.
Your mom is a control queen just like mine was. Tell her you refuse to be controlled any longer. If you don't, well, this will go on until one of you is gone. Not a pretty thought, is it?
All dementia is not the same, and in vascular types (non-Alzheimer's) judgement and empathy tend to go before memory, especially long-term memory. Either way,
a key is to set some limits and lower your expectations. Mom needs you, she is also mad as hell, and she will take it out on whoever seems to be safe to take it out on. That would be you, the devoted daughter. It's not personal. And it makes no sense because it makes no sense. And it is not wrong to get help and respite and be able to have some kind of a life; mom could, with help and time, get used to someone else being involved in her care and less 100% dependent on you to be there. And it would be a very good idea for this to happen before she needs even more support than she does now.
I'd let her do the dishes too, even you still have to go over them again when she's done. Forget about it making sense. Eat the Twinkies (wow - where is she getting Twinkies? ...not that I could afford to touch them with a ten foot pole myself) and cookies if they aren't really making you fat and have a tea party/Bible study once a week. Wave when she comes out with the binoculars, and exchange the "bitching" stories with the siblings - see who can top whom. If you don't have other good options, and you are really stuck, make the best of it when you can and get whatever help you need to try to reduce the effect of Mom's unreasonableness and negativity on you. I say that all as a daughter whose mom was in a facility but attended to nearly daily by me, and I got lots of the same sort of crap...it helped just to realize it was unreasonable, and of course I could go home. Those calls in the middle of my day at the hospital where I work to make sure she had more briefs or would I take her to her podiatrist appointment on Sunday (probably dreamed that one, but she was really mad that no one was ready to transport her there) eventually dwindled because she lost her ability to even remember how to use the Jitterbug cell phone. I missed it and didn't miss it at the same time. I didn't really miss being told I look like a drip and how tired I seemed, and it turned out when she said this even she could not really even see. But I miss being told she liked how my high heels sounded, so I wore them to her funeral. And I miss Mom and Dad. I'd like to think I could have would have should have done a lot more with them while they were still here and active, but it was so hard to get away and have time and we all have to realize there is only one of us.
I think what I am saying is you are obviously doing your best, don't beat yourself up because you don't get gratitude or support, its an awful common story on here. And your experience with losing Dad and seeing Mom decline is what it is - a very bittersweet journey which you will hopefully come out of, and with as few regrets as possible under the circumstances. My hardest experiences were clearing out and selling my childhood home once it was clear Mom would never go back to it, and then driving 15 hrs in snow to Pgh only not to make it for my Dad's last illness (though at least we had said all the important things already) and then that last morning when mom woke up with the horrible vertigo and chest pain and after all the meds were given that they could give, I was left alone in the room with her when she took her last breath. But, she had said she did not want to die alone, and I take a little solace in that.
I hope you have some better times soon and a chance to make some good memories instead of just feeling bad about this situation, which, BTW, is NOT YOUR FAULT. And BTW, you ARE hard working and independent and you ARE the one who is taking charge of a tough situation.
First of all my condolences to you on the death of your father and the circumstances. Finding your father must have been devastating and his death heartbreaking. It is evident that you loved your father dearly and he loved you in return. Hold on to those memories dearly.
As for your mother's behavior, yes she is sick and very very mean and abusive.The magnitude of her abuse in my mind is unspeakable and frightening. Jessie Belle could not expressed my sentiments better and she is a very smart and compassionate women. "The promise you made to your Dad is not a valid contract.....he did not include two costs your life and happiness". He would never want you to endure such abuse. You are kind, loving, attractive( checked out your photo-nice) and as Joel Osteen professes you will see a season of increase as God as given you all you already need. (He is inspirational )
Your mother needs professional care and you are not the sacrificial lamb. As I eluded in my post, I live close to Boston and the events that transpired here a few weeks ago has changed my perspective on life. I heard a bomb go off in the early morning hours, a young women who lives in our town was killed and many were serverely mamed and I mean mamed. (Double amputees). Life is precious and
unpredictable. If these innocent people can move ahead and display such courage so can you and so can I. Everyone needs hope, faith, and loving support and it appears that your support system must be provided outside the confines of your family and this is doable. (This is also true for me)
Let's talk about the possibility of resurecting your dreams and yes your career. What are your thoughts?
You don't have to do anything for this old witch except try to find her the paid help she needs and resume your life, far, far away. You are abused and put upon.
You are a chronological adult, but something tells me your emotional development was stunted somewhere around 10. Please use your survival instinct to do the right thing and save yourself. Can you imagine what you would think if you read the above question and it was written by another person? Would you think it is normal and healthy? Well, go back and reread what you wrote, then answer it as if you want to help that person, because you are a smart woman. You need to face your fears and heal. Good luck. xo
When we move in with our parents, it can be like they are the children, but the difference is they have dominion over the house. There is talk of the uneasiness caregivers feel for the role reversals that come with old age. I don't know if most caregivers that move in with their parents are really uncomfortable with it. I think the ones most uncomfortable are the parents themselves. They are the parents and it is their house, and they may need one of the children to remain independent, but they really don't want them there. No matter what the adult child does, it is not right. No matter what the child says, it is wrong. If the child stays home all the time, they are told they need to get out more. If they get out more, they are told they are neglecting things at home. If they want to bring in help to do something, they are told there is no money and "they" (meaning the child) can do the work. And if the child does the work, they didn't do it right. Nothing is ever right to these parents and the child gets the brunt of it.
And then they play nice for a day. That can make us even crazier. Is it us or them?? The answer is easy. It is them.
You've given a lot. I know how much you've given. If I could have advised you two years ago, I would have said don't quit your job, don't move. Now the only thing you can do is look for your own happiness either by making other arrangements for your mother and leaving or setting up a new relationship with her with you as an equal adult. We can be respectful of our parents without sacrificing our happiness. We don't owe that to anyone. The promise made to your father is not a valid contract!! This is because he didn't include that two of the costs of the agreement were your life and your happiness. You actually still can honor the agreement with your father by making arrangements for your mother's care if you need to.
Hugs to you. I know exactly what you are going through. What I hope for you is that you can become as tough as nails on the outside and still remain as sweet as your are on the inside. Caregiving a hall-of-shame parent can certainly take it out of us.