I feel suicidal after taking care of my mother for 10 years with no support.
Does anyone else get so burnt out that they feel suicidal at times? I have been caregiving for my disabled mother for 10 years and my brother and sister do not help. I feel that sometimes suicide is a good option, but I know it would destroy my mother. I would never do that to her, but I sure feel like I want to. I see a Psychiatrist and they know..... the only help they have offered is counseling (which is only offered once per month at kaiser), and anti-depressants, and xanex. Although these things help, the core issue is that I am very disappointed by my brother and sister. They are the cold-hearted terribly self centered people, and I cannot understand how they could treat their sweet disabled mother this way. I also can't understand how they could let me be the primary caregiver (essentially I am forced to do this because they will not). I have even told them how emotionally fragile I am, and they DON'T CARE! I really hope that god understands how much I love my mother, and he has a reason for making my brother and sister such terrible people. I don't understand his plan.
So, for now I'm doing the best I can for my grandmother. It's a tough path and I don't know if there are other options for you (retirement home, visiting nurses or otherwise) to help with the caregiving and give yourself some time in between if there's noone else around.
Julie, I was sooo angry and bitter and resentful towards my 6 siblings. Nobody wanted to help. I understood why they wouldn't with the parents - because we grew up from a Very Dysfunctional Family. But, I truly thought that they would help me out of love for me. I had told them of my suicidal thoughts - Nothing. I guess, they just got tired of my ventings for the past 24 years. They just didn't care.
Here on AC, I was told some very straightforward advice. Sharyn said it in a much nicer way than I would have told you. But, these words were said to me, and I DID get angry and denied the advice. But, I'm a thinker. Once you introduce an idea to me, I gnaw it left and right and I can no longer hide my head under the sand. My brother-who-lives-just-next-door and his wife and 3 grown children have a RIGHT Not to help with the parents. They have Their Own Life. Our parents should have prepared for this eventuality and not assume that their children would care for them in their old age. Everyone Has A Choice. Each caregiver here CHOSE to caregive our "loved" ones. I fought against that one, too. But, in the end, honesty won. I chose to stay home to help father with mom - due to the Bible's commandment to "Honor Your Father and Your Mother." I will tell you, that I cried on a fellow believer's shoulders because I did NOT want to do it. When I stayed to help the parents, I was so angry with God, that I stopped actively worshipping him. I only started praying to Him a lot when I started posting here on AC. Soooo many people suffering on this site. I had to just pray for those poor people. I have never prayed as much in the past 24 years of my life than when I found AC these past 2 years. I have vented here over and over. I no longer hold such anger and resentment towards my sibling. This site is a lifesaver for me. I hope it is for you. I still think that life sucks but I'm no longer suicidal.
Once I accepted that my siblings have a Right Not to help, I then turned to look for alternate ways to solve my problem. I asked older brother if he can send extra cash because I have no babysitter on Saturdays and I work. Brother sent me the money BUT it is for ME and Not for the parents. (Of all us 8 kids, this brother got it the WORST while we were growing up - from both parents. As an adult, he CRIED as he relived his childhood memories. He will never ever forgive the parents.) I mentioned to competing-oldest-bro (he always has to beat younger bro who is giving me xtra $$) that bro was giving me $$ every month. Now, oldest bro-of-next-door is paying for our power bill $500/month.
Julie, when father found out mom had dementia, he started calling around for any and all programs that they would qualify. There was a college program funded by the federal govt on dementia study here on island. So, he applied - they accepted to service mom on the condition that they send a neurologist once in awhile and mom takes tests to see the progress of the disease. Father said yes - and we got like a $120 stipend for supplies like pampers, wipes, etc...and once a week a caregiver will come to sponge bath mom. Please, just call around. When someone gives you an answer, ask if they know of other places or programs that you can contact. That’s what father did. He got 3 organizations to help – even meals-on-wheels! Take care!
My sister has refused to help and so has her family. My cousin refused to loan me money to buy a different car.
The worst part of this is I have had no time to cultivate friendships and have people to talk to. I have no family of my own.
I've only been to therapy twice. My last therapy, the counselor told me that if I continue as I am (with no help from siblings) I will die from exhaustion or my body will protect itself and land in the hospital. I'm reaching the end of my stamina with caregiving 2 bedridden parents. I'm blanking out, unsteady, dizzy all the time, and just sooo exhausted. I finally texted to all my siblings (6 of 7) what is happening and what the therapist said. I told them straight out that if they continue to let me go "as is", then I will either die or end up in the hospital. It's okay if I die - no problem (always been suicidal - so not a scary thought about dying). But, if I go to the hospital and come out bedridden - major problem. They can decide my life - death or disability.
I'm just sooo tired but... this is life. Every time it knocks you down, you just have to get up and face it head on..until it knocks you down again.
Csarah, your sister or cousin can't even chip in so that you have enough money to buy a used car? Can you check if there's a program in your area where people who are moving away, gives their car to charity? Or some kind of program? I remembered reading a long time ago on Reader's Digest about something like that. Since your on disability, it might apply to you. Or, I may be getting it mixed up with another program that has nothing to do with cars. It was a long time ago.
@ Julie - you sound so angry towards your siblings. I was there, too. I never realized how awful having all that anger, resentment and bitterness inside me was affecting me. When I found this site in June of last year (I mistakenly said 2 in my earlier post), I vented and vented and vented. I think I was too detailed when I should have been a little bit vague in my venting. But, I was typing as I was venting. No time to be "political correct." I went to group therapy when I could. Then one day, I found myself bouncing while walking up the stairs. I felt so lighthearted...it surprised me. So I turned my thoughts inward while walking and ...I am lighthearted! I think holding all that anger and resentment Does Affect Us! So, please, if you all need to vent - just come here and vent as much as you can. Take care! HUGS!!
The suicidal thoughts are there when the body is beyond fatigue and the mind is on constant overload. This site is a saving grace for so many. Who else can understand the extremes of caregiving more than those that actually do it and can relate.
Hugs across the miles to all of you above - blessings to you and will keep you in my prayers.
1. Article by AC
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/how-to-get-paid-for-being-a-caregiver-135476.htm
2. Question from a reader
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/Can-I-be-paid-as-caregiver-living-with-and-completely-caring-for-my-86-year-old-mother-who-lives-in--143077.htm
3. Search Results
https://www.agingcare.com/search.aspx?searchterm=pay+as+caregiver
The people around us do have the right to make their choices. A spouse can choose to cheat on or abandon their partner. Sometimes people make choices that really hurt others. Sometimes people make irresponsible or truly selfish choices. The bottom line is we have no control over the choices of others. The good news is we do get to chose how we go forward in your own life.
Like the others have said allowing anger and resentment to fester will only hurt you and you deserve better than that. I'm really new here but already I can see there is tons good advice on how you can find help and relief with caring for elderly parents. If you can, try and focus on that. Finding help is what you need.
One more thing, I find moderate venting to be very therapeutic but it works better for me if I talk in terms of my feelings of fear, loneliness, sadness, and frustration not just my feelings of resentment. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Just remember; many of us on this board understand and truly care how you feel. It is good to vent - that is what this board is all about. When you feel like you are at the end of your rope and no one is there to catch you - it is difficult to not have it bother you; especially when it is your siblings. Everyone has problems and can offer help in some way; even if it is listening to you and at least trying to understand. Blessings to you - you are a wonderful daughter.
My mother was in a nursing home with many problems including mental health issues. I had all I could do to keep her out of the mental hospital due to her actions. While in the nursing home; you can be her advocate and visit as much as you can.
We all make promises which might not be able to be kept. Contact the local elderly services and they will be able to guide you and give you support. It is a tough road, but you can pave it with love even through the transition to a facility. Blessings to you and hugs across the miles.
Sounds like it is time to make a change - take care of yourself.
I and my siblings are 4 kids spread throughout the country and up till 1.5 yrs ago were blessed to have both parents. But even before Mom died, one brother and I would call all the time to show the love. But as Mom would say, if she ever expected to talk to the other two, she'd have to call them. She would go out of her way to not be critical and never demanding. She just loved to talk. They did no cards, and virtually no visits other than maybe once a year during the holidays, even for the one that was only a couple of hours away and was a stay at home mom.
But after Mom died it became much worse for Dad because he had dementia. Their excuse was that he wouldn't remember anyway, so why waste their time talking to him. That was just an excuse however, and it was no different than how they run the rest of their lives.
Just like infants that don't even know what you're saying to them, it is the attention and love that sink and make a difference to people with dementia, not the recollection that anyone specific called them. One brother (the one with no kids) only managed two calls in 18 months till Dad died. Yet he cried like a baby at the funeral and both made sure that everyone was told how much he'd miss Dad. Sis wasn't far behind. It was frustrating to hear that crud. As my good brother and I still joke, we could have had the funeral, run the will through probate and split and spent the inheritance before the other two even knew Dad was gone. It was that sad.
At one point, I got so angry about their dismissal and lack of caring that it really started to affect my health and the way I looked at the world. I had to stop and change my focus and I couldn't afford to let myself go there. I had to learn to appreciate my one brother who did care, and just let the other two go from my thoughts. It wasn't easy at first, but they made it easier by not bothering to even inquire with me how he was doing.
Now neither my caring brother or I will ever have any kind of relationship with these two again (not that it probably matters that much to them). I managed to let the anger go, but I will not forget how they treated two of the best people I've ever known, and particularly my Dad who only existed in his last year to love and be loved.
I would have wished for a great lifelong relationship with the other two siblings, but have resolved and am okay with the idea that I'm better off without it. Sometimes you just have to let people go and to be grateful for everything else.
You can't change people or the kind of people they are. But don't give them the power through their lack of caring to change you or make you miserable. As hard as it is to think in such terms, some people are poison to you and you just have to let them go.
I rarely ever think about him anymore. In fact, for the most part, I don't think of him at all except when this issue arises on here. He has become very unimportant in my life. My sister & I each refer to him as that man that was raised with another family's values.
My parents did plan for this stage in their life. Even when it got where I had to have help and so had to hire caregivers to help, we have not had to go into their savings. My sister & I tell my mother constantly that anything she wants she can have. We hope she spends every dime of her money making herself happy. After we lose Daddy, we will take her anywhere she wants to go.
Maybe someday in my thinking, considering and brooding I might come to accept that he has a right to be uninvolved. Right now I consider him to be a selfish leech on society. He better pray his wife and kids live longer than he does so he has someone to care for him. He has burned his bridges and his 2 sisters have written him off. There was a time we would have bent over backward for him. That ended when he started abusing our parents. Yes, I think abandoning a parent who has done everything for you is abuse. Funny thing is, he was my mother's favorite and I was her least favorite.
sharynmarie, Suicide is not the answer. If nothing else, think about who your mother would be left to depend on. She needs you! Someone suggested respite care. Please look into it and take a break. It is very difficult to relinquish care of someone you have cared for and loved for so long. But, you have to do it in order to take care of yourself. Does your mother qualify for hospice? They would help take some of the burden off of you and will send in a minister and social worker to see about your well being. I will be praying for you. Remember the world cannot afford to lose a wonderful, caring person such as yourself.