My mother has always been a stubborn, I am always right, my way or no way, type of person. My father passed away in 2005. I am the only living relative she has other than my two daughters. My mother is a fall risk and falls 3 to 4 times a year. She always goes to the hospital and some bone has always broken in the fall as she has severe osteoporosis also.
She would come to my house to recuperate after each one of these falls after coming out of skilled nursing. She would stay with me anywhere from a day to a couple of weeks depending on how she was and then she would go back to her own home.
Three months ago was completely different. She never did recover and her dementia got even worse where I thought it was completely unsafe to have her alone at her own home.
Really didn't want her to live with me (I have always loved her, but her unwillingness to hear any other side of a discussion has made it impossible to enjoy her company). Now, with the CONSTANT questioning over and over and over again and her REFUSAL to use the walker inside the house has made me despise her. I know she can't help the dementia, but that doesn't mean it doesn't affect me at all. She asks the same things over and over again and gets pissed off if I tell her the truth. When I put the walker in front of her she pushes it away and tells me to stop treating her "like a child" when I beg/demand/bargain/plead/explain for her to use the walker so she doesn't fall. She tells me she doesn't need the walker and the doctors are wrong because they don't see her everyday, so how do they know?
She IS very appreciative of all the things I do for her, everything from getting her dressed and undressed and bathed and laundry and everything, everything, everything. Those who do it, know.
I feel that I have it twice as bad because it's not "just" the dementia (which is impossible to deal with), but it's also the fall issue. She doesn't remember ANY of the at least 8 times she has fallen. None of them. And STILL insists on not using the walker. I feel she is being very selfish (I know. I know. She can't help it because of the dementia) because it's me that has to suffer too when she falls as I have to go to the hospital and "donate" five hours of my time there waiting and waiting for something that could be avoided.
So, here's my questions:
1. Regarding using the walker, should I continue to insist (and then have subsequent and frequent arguments) that she use it, or should I just point it out to her that she should use it, and then take the very real risk that she could fall.
2. I have a deep, dark secret. Yeah, probably not so much anymore. I hate her. Okay, I hate the dementia. But really, the two are so tightly intermingled right now that they exist as one anyway. I wonder when she will pass away so that I don't have to go through the minute by minute torture of 24/7 care of someone who is physically disabled and mentally disabled. Clearly, I am a piece of trash daughter because I should be praying for her to stick around forever..and I'm not.
3. How do you fight the anger/resentment? It doesn't help that I am an only child and completely and utterly all alone with this. She expects me to do everything for her, and I do, but I feel very angry at her not helping herself (think: walker!) and very resentful that I have to do this alone
I promised her I would never put her in a home. It would break her heart if I did. I'm going to do this for as long as I physically and emotionally am able to. Just trying to see if anyone has any golden nuggets of advice.
Thanks!
Alz Poem...
Please don’t try and make me Remember…
Don’t try and make me Understand…
Just let me Rest and know you’re with Me…
Kiss my Cheek and Hold my Hand
I’m Confused beyond your concept…
I am Sad and Sick and Lost…
All I know is that I need You…
To be with me at all cost.
Don’t lose your patience with Me…
Please don’t Scold me, Curse, or Cry….
I can’t help the way I am Acting…
Although I will try.
Just Remember that I need You…
And the Best of me is Gone…
Please just stay beside me…
Until my Life is Done.
I found that it is easier to get my mother to use a rollator than a walker. Still, she will not use it in the house. I am glad that she will use it anytime she goes anywhere. We never leave home without it. She won't use a cane, but she will use a long walking stick -- the type used for hiking. I think it's easier on her back and feels more sporting.
Much of the problem in taking care of our parents comes from their feeling loss of control. Their feelings may mirror our own -- they might resent that need us in order to stay independent, while we resent them for the same reason. Ideally a pair should be able to work out a nice system of mutual need. Many or most times that doesn't happen, however, so one side feels put upon by the other.
When a person has dementia, it is important to give them a sense of control over their lives. I usually give two choices at a time -- do you want fish or chicken, do you want to go out this afternoon or tomorrow, etc. The good thing about having two choices is that has to be one of the other, with no room for an option that is not acceptable. Perhaps you could ask your mother if she prefers to use a walker or a rollator. If you think she will say neither, maybe it would be good to give a choice between a walker or a 4-prong cane. My mother is more apt to accept something if she feels she is part of the decision.
I could write a book, but I know other people will have some good ideas. Most people here know exactly how you feel. They call us the "sandwich generation." For some of us, it is more like the "vice grip generation." We are being squeezed.
i have instituted "non negotiables" and talk like a matron when we get to these issues, like : "you may not have coffee until your bowels have worked, we will be sticking to warm prune juice" (having an issue at the moment with holding it in) or, "we cannot go outside for a walk until you have your gloves on, here they are, put them on now". ( we have had a really cold winter).
it is working, miraculously. i feel like the bossy haridan from hell, but it is working, where suggestions, and please, and perhaps you coulds don't work.
would your mom respond to the 'matron' voice of authority, like my FIL does? its interesting that he is the meanest, most manipulative (sob) around and ignored me flat/ lied about me, but the minute i became authorative and " gave orders" he does what i tell him.
my FIL would not use the bath mats, and of course the inevitable happened, he fell and hurt himself badly. now, my matron voice says, its bath time, you WILL use the non slip mats, lets wash the hair now, and it happens.
re the walker, i have found the rollator is easier and lighter, and perhaps that is an issue here?
re his constant put downs and mean comments, i have started to just ignore them. taken me forever, but ignoring them, unless they get too bad, and then i say (matron voice), "we are not going to do this unless you can behave yourself and be decent and respectful"
part of me thinks he is responding to the voice of authority, like the doctors and nurses use. part of me thinks we have crossed some threashhold in his mind where he is realising he has now got parameters and borders to operate in.
with our parents, we expect them to be able to observe their own borders of behaviours, but with dementia, we have to become the guardians even of this, and patrol their borders for them.
i don't know whether this would work for you, but it is giving me some respite from the constant refusals and stubborness. but at the very least, please don't think of yourself of trash .... if we were honest with ourselves, most people on this forum have prayed or cried out in despair at some point for it all to please just END.
much love to you, xx
I never wanted to be a caregiver and never had children.
I suffer from an anxiety disorder and cope very badly with stress
And I basically really hate myself for being so angry at her!
This is really terrible, terrible, terrible to admit, but I am more patient, tolerant, caring, attentive, whatever!, in public or in front of my friends than I am in private. I can't tell anyone how I feel, I think they would be disgusted with me.
She was also diagnosed with stage 4 terminal lung cancer in February and given 6 months and has just had another scan and X-ray and they are delighted with her lack of deterioration, I'm not! God that is so bad and selfish. I just have this hate inside me but also I pity her terribly as she looks so lost.
Thanks for letting me admit this here, so hard and so sad.
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