How does a caregiver with health issues and depression know when to let go of difficult?

I am so sorry you had to leave your career due to disability and then deal with a mentally ill mother. Only you know what you can really deal with, but I suggest you seek out a local support group or therapist if possible. I also suggest that you and your sisters understand that your mother is mentally ill, and there is nothing any of you can do to change that or her depression/happiness status. You will have to accept the fact that you are doing a great job, but you can only do so much. As long as she has a safe place to live, you cannot worry yourself with the "what if's". If she calls you or your sisters to say she wants to die, you are going to have to set some borders and tell her she needs to get therapy so she can talk to someone else about her problems as you don't want to hear it and definitely won't participate in shooting her. If she continues, I'd politely discontinue the telephone call. It's so sad, and if she does something drastic after you hang up - it's NOT your fault. But it's not good for you to continue listening to it. And it's okay to withdraw if that's what you need to do too. And it's okay to screen your phone calls via caller ID. If you're not up to handling it today - don't answer the phone. It doesn't make you a bad person at all. If you get to a point where you can talk to her again - you call her instead when you're ready. I wish there was more I could offer. I'm sure you will get some more advice from some of these wonderful people on here. Good luck!!!

vw9729 is so right, Ayla2013. Answering your phone to your mom's ongoing angst is the same as taking poison everyday. I've been there and done that. One of the best days of my life was when I took charge. It didn't make my mother any happier or unhappier. It is what it is with her. BUT, it gave me time to heal between times having to deal with her. With distancing, I had time to think and to plan my actions toward her in my best interests and in hers. Set strict behavioral boundaries. Don't let her cross them. It is hard to do at first but give it time and you will see positive outcomes for you, maybe for her, too, but if not, too bad for her. You cannot make it any worse by taking care of yourself so why not take care of yourself?

Im going through the exact same thing. Except no one helps me at all with my gramma who cant walk, but she can do a bunch more for herself then she admits to unless a physical therapist or health care provider is in the room then all the sudden she becomes super woman. But they leave and its back to letting me kill my back, my nerves and my soul by making me lift into her chair in and out of bed 20 times a day to the commode, wont do a thing to make it easier for me at all. its like she is doing things to hurt me because she is so unhappy and depressed. She is 87 and very very good at making me feel like heck for the wreck ive become over the past 18 months since i started here. she tries and gets up on her own and falls at least once a day. i cant keep up with her when im helping her she is impatient and wont listen to reason. My SSDI final appeal hearing is the 15th of next month which just so happens to be her birthday If they do grant me my case im going to place her in a good safe nursing home and im outta here. I know im playing with fire by risking my back and my mental state is so bad anyhow but this has really made me much worse fast. I don't feel guilty at all. I know Ive done all i can here....you have to. look out for yourself because when we get to this stage there probably wont be anyone stepping up for us this way right? I know there wont be for me....take care hun...you are far from alone. hugs

I, too, have the same problem! My career ended with neck and back problems, surgeries and I had to quit when going onto short term leave. I have major depressive disorder and am on antidepressants as well. I've felt depressed lately and overwhelmed by life. I need a long vacation...which may never be. I've already blown up once when comments about how I don't do enough for my MIL came up!!! I spend alot of my time over at her house. She has other "kids", but they live far away so, since I am on disability the caretaking has been left to me. One of them sends MIL $100 every month, but that doesn't begin to cover her weekly necessities. I've gotten to the point that I'm afraid to complain myself cuz it comes back on me, in one way or another. It's getting better between my husband, and I do love my MIL, it's just that many times it gets overwhelming. Need to get better about sticking up for myself. I can be a real people pleaser. I also have to learn to not jump up and do for someone else. I know meditation would help, but I've convinced myself I don't have the time. Time for myself is an issue, too. Upside is that I am walking most mornings with MIL's dog, so both of us get a workout. It used to make me feel great and charged up for the day. Now I just want to go back to bed and sleep the day away. That's my way of dealing with depression. I am looking for a good therapist to add to my mix of Dr.'s. Sometimes it's good to get another person's outlook, one that is familiar with care giving and distancing oneself from family feuds. Yes, they all fight and say nasty things to and about each other so I assume they complain about me, too. Soooo different from my close knit family. I have to watch who I speak to and how much to tell each one. Usually I end up asking for help from the wrong sibling and that can turn into a big fight as well. I just want to be mentally okay. Taking care of MIL has also restricted the time I spend with family and friends. My weekends are usually full and that's the only time I have with my husband. We always end up over at Mom's since she doesn't get out or really talk to anybody. Yeah, I think I'm a little overwhelmed. Trying to think of healthy things to do to keep my spirits up and keep myself well. OK, seems I'm rambling on.... PLEASE weigh in with any and all comments and suggestions!!

Ok, I can definitely relate to all of your posts. Ayla, you are never alone because this site proves that there are so many of us (co dependents?) who are courageously taking care of mom, dad or other relatives. I too suffer from degenerative cervical discs in my back and neck and am on major anti-depressants and anti-anxiety pills. The medication really doesn't help much at all. I would be firm with your grandma and tell her what you can and cannot do for her. My mother is 88 and does the same thing to me. She refuses to use a walker when we are out and rather uses my sore shoulder to bear her weight on. One day we are both going to fall in public. We all know what tough love is because we have had to use this method on our own children at times. Well, we can apply this method to our parents as well if they are of sound mind or have mild Dementia. They need to understand you are a person too and at times need help yourself. I think older people become very self-absorbed because they cannot do the things they once were able to do and now depend on caregiver to provide for all of their needs, etc. I think some days I will lose my mind as I wonder how much longer my back and shoulder can stand the physical demands on me made by my mother. Take care and pray....

Reading all of these comments and questions has brought me to tears, because I am in the same boat... I just wish I could reach out and hug all of you. Wouldn't it be nice if we could all have a giant house together and help each other out every day? Years ago I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD, some of it as a direct result of my mother and her mental illness (when we were little she forced us to watch while she cut her wrist, then said "Now look what you made me do?!"). Years of violence from men later. And here I am, the good daughter, spending every minute of every day trying to help her feel better. She has fallen many times over the past 11 years, and I always picked her up. Now I am supposed to have back surgery, but I can't because no one will take care of mom for me. Yes, this is painful and yes, I deserve more. If I put mom in a nursing home, I will lose a roof over my head. You know what, though? It's time to draw that BOUNDARY. Time to let go. Time for us to be FIRST. It is NOT selfish to want freedom and happiness. I send you hugs and prayers and please know we, of all people, know what it's like. It is good for me to say this because I should listen to my own words as well. :-)

So much good advice! I will second most of what I have read and tell you that if you can find support groups either in the area or online it will make a big difference in how you feel and are handling things in your life. It isn't easy to get away nor will you feel like getting out of the house, so finding a good group online may be just what you need. You did the right thing by reaching out to this board...a lot of us go through similar situations. Sending you lots of gentle hugs!

When your body and mind are falling apart! You don't let go, you just step back and accept what you can physically and mentally do. You are going to feel guilty no matter what decision you make, but you have to accept the fact that you are made of flesh and blood. Don't think of taking care of yourself as letting go of your loved one, but when you take care of yourself, you are taking care of your loved one. Does that make sense. What do they say, when a plane is ready to go down, who do you give the oxygen to first? If you die, then what happens to your loved one. My Mom just passed away June 2. It was just me and my mom. No brothers and sisters. I had a severely disabled child and high school teenager. Oh yes, let me not forget the hubby, heaven forbid. My therapist said my mom and I were a braid twined tightly. I had to learn to step back and know that I was doing the best I could with who I was, and the situation I had in front of me. I went to the nursing home everyday, feeling guilty because I should've had her at home. In the end, mom passed away peacefully. My daughter passed away in my home and my son is going off to college in 2 weeks. From all this my blood pressure went through the roof, and I gained more weight then I care to mention. I am seeing a therapist who is helping me make peace with the acceptance that I did the best I could with the tools that I had. My dear friend, listen to me! Take care of yourself and make peace that you are good person who is doing the best you can. Let these words sink into your soul and accept that you are a human being who doesn't run on eveready batteries. Whatever decisions you make will be for the better of you loved one. Safety, cleanliness and love is what you can offer.
Its been two months since mom passed away. I am walking and off my blood pressure meds. These last 20 years seem like a lifetime, but I did the best I could. You will do the same. Blessings and lots of hugs sending your way:)

I wonder if people who tend to have depression also tend to be accepting of the "family caregiver" role because they think they or their life is not "important" enough not to give up to take on the caregiver role? They feel "guilty" and depressed and therefore unworthy -- perhaps being caregiver helps them to feel more "worthy"? I think maybe these things may have helped lead to my role as "family caregiver" -- this is a new insight from seeing the same pattern in so many on this site.

Alya, I can so relate to your post, I thought it was my post at first. I too had to leave my career as a complaint analyst with the SC Dept of Consumer Affairs. I just burnt out like someone with Post Traumatic Syndrome. I was diagnosed with CFS/FM?ME and I can no longer drive. So my husband has to take me and my mother for all of our appointments and I don't know what will happen when he is no longer able to do it. He is much older than I am and I cannot help but be concerned.

My Mother is 91 and living in Independent Living with access to transportation, meals and housekeeping but with her Dementia it is not working well. She calls all day long and I have to go over for every little thing. She simply can no longer take care of any business. We are totally responsible for her and I am burn out. So I fell guilty I cannot do more. Our relationship it too toxic for her to live with us and I would end up in the nursing home (and I am not exaggerating) if something does not give.

Gotta run ...granddaughter just came in.lol

Just a suggestion about the constant phone calls. I finally figured out that I could tell my mother that she had used up all her phone calls for that day, and she would have to stop calling until the next day--it was that easy and it really did not seem to upset her. If there were a true emergency, she always wore one of those emergency call buttons around her neck so could always get assistance, and that service was programmed to call me too, if she called them. Maybe worth a try.

You sound like me. I also had to leave a career due to fibromyalgia and depression. My husband has bipolar disorder and Parkinson's disease. He is in an assisted living facility and calls several times a day to tell me how miserable he is, etc. I finally had a complete breakdown, got into counseling and a support group, and gradually realized that I don't have to answer the phone every time he calls, nor do I have to visit him every time he wants me to. It isn't easy, but with support asnd reinforcement, I have been able to set boundaries. I urge you to call your local your local behavioral health facility and find out what programs are available for you. Also, contact NAMI.org, an organization for people who have loved ones with mental issues. They have offices in every state.

I can relate with this. My father has congestive heart failure, enlarged heart, two bad valves, clogged arteries and vascular ulcerations. I was terminated from my job because of an injury to my rotator cuff and spine from my job. I had rotator cuff surgery but my spine was not operationable so I have to deal with that pain and I've been taking care of my father who literally refuses to go into assisted living. He wants to die at home and I can't persuade him otherwise. So I was going over their everyday almost and attending to his wounds, getting his groceries, refilling his medications, cleaning his house, driving him to Doctors appointments and still trying to rebuild my life after this injury. My stress was through the roof. I was just diagnosed with colon cancer. I called my siblings and told them I wasn't able to take care of Dad any more. My health is a priority now and I just can't wait on my father anymore. Well now they are finally stepping up and helping. My Dad had pretty much driven everybody away because of his behavior except me but he was too much for me to care for. It took cancer to get my siblings to help with my father and once I'm clear of cancer I hope to be anyways. I am definitely not going in to that pit of hell again. Since my siblings pitched into help my blood pressure dropped and I don't have so many headaches but I still have the cancer. I have to take care of me now before I need a care provider.

Alya, another person here with some of the same issues. I had to retire much earlier than I wanted because of PTSD/depression/anxiety - I gained 100 lbs but am almost now down that much. Soon after that I became primary caregiver to my dad when he was on home hospice. Thank goodness for psychiatrists, therapy, medication, family, and groups! Two years later I find myself caregiver once again. This time with my mom who has early dementia and can no longer be trusted to drive or cook. When I started to feel myself going downhill I immediately called to see a therapist again. She gave me some excellent community resources which seems to have stopped my downward spiral. Calling them was very therapeutic. My sister and I are still waiting for a diagnoses and a referral to a social worker to get some of the support but we see there is hope, we won't be alone. I was able to find a caregivers support group, too. I even called Adult Protective Services to find out what my responsibilities are. They also gave me some excellent advice and support information.

We really need to make sure we are taking care of ourselves or we will be useless to everyone. Since I am unable to travel, due to taking care of my mom, I used that travel money to buy myself an expensive present for being such a good person. I can also suggest gentle yoga. There was a person with fibromyalgia in my class and the instructor was excellent with making modifications to everyone's abilities and limitations. As others have said, you are not alone and take care of yourself!

Ayla, I feel your stress!
So many of us go thru some form of this...it's made all the more "special" when dealing with mental ills--whether those of the elder, the caregiver--or both--or of relatives who think they can run things better, who are affected.
Mental issues just kick it all into higher realms of stress in very =special= ways.

It's really important to learn to set realistic, logical boundaries on other's use of you, your energy & resources.
It's OK to use caller ID, let answering machines get the calls, etc.

I had to limit certain family communications with me, to email or paper letters: when they spoke verbally, they would say one thing, then reverse it--or flat out say some really inappropriate things then deny it; OR they'd go off half-cocked thinking I'd something they only heard in their minds, acting out verbally at me.
It got pretty epic, after Mom had been drilling them with her lies for so many years...Yet I kept throwing myself against their "brick walls", thinking, if I just did better...it was never enough, never good enough.

Verbal communication allows "plausible deniability"; it's commonly used to good effect upon caregivers or unsuspecting other family members, to manipulate, divide & conquer, guilt-trip for non-existent things, to use or abuse a targeted person.
Verbal harangues by mentally unstable persons, can make scrambled confetti out of even the sanest person's mind & emotions after awhile; can cause the targeted person to become unstable, themselves.
Sustain this, bad enough, over time, repeatedly, can cause the targeted person[s] to develop PTSD, & become ill mentally, emotionally &/or physically, if they lack support & relief-
--level of education does not seem to matter: ANY targeted person can be caused to become mentally ill/unstable, &/or physically ill, by a mentally ill person bent on doing so--consciously or not--
---compound that with other family members who buy into the efforts of the sick person, & the targeted person can be destroyed that much faster..

==When you cannot handle it anymore, it's OK to block it.
There are a number of ways to do that--caller ID, answering systems, etc..
You can request they put what they want to say in writing
...it forces them to think more about what they say, AND it allows you to reread what they say to see if it really means what you thot it did, AND it forms a written record that might be needed later to protect you.
AND, it allows you to sit back, think deeper about how you choose to respond--or not.

Understand: behaviors caused by brain injuries, mental ills &/or dementias escalate in aging. These can include: rages, bullying, hitting, biting, inappropriate requests/demands, strange perspectives or beliefs, paranoia, manipulative maneuvers, etc. other strange behaviors.
Bottom line, they are expressing their fears/angers at losing their autonomy--their ability to do things for themselves, fear of further losses, feeling scared of the changes & losses, etc. the only ways they feel they can.
[[It doesn't make it OK, it's just the explanation how /why]]
===Those with mental ills may have been doing that for decades...it's still their fears they cannot express properly, twisted by off-the-wall paranoia, sometimes.

We want to make sure our elders are cared for as best possible.
It does not have to be under our roof.
It's going to look different for each situation, pending resources, individuals, circumstances.

Unfortunately, still too many professionals, usually newer ones, "wet behind the ears", can't understand why some elders are put in facilities & never visited.
If you're ever confronted by one of these, you'll need to educate that person why you are not visiting Mom--it's OK, & it might help that person avoid perpetrating that ignorance. It might even need to be a note placed on Mom's chart to that effect--"family limiting visits related to Mom's behaviors" or something like that.

Lawyers & Docs have a hard time labeling someone with mental ills or anything that makes them "incompetent", for many reasons.
It's illegal to put restraints on patients in NH's etc. facilities in most places
--in my entire career, only one patient deep in DT's had to have 4-point leather restraints;--facilities try everything they can to avoid it--even soft ones.
When drugs became available, some started calling it "chemical restraints". Figuring where "using prescribed meds to calm a person so they're safe & can help themselves better" turned into "chemical restraint" became a mine-field, & ended up with too many people NOT getting medicated when they really needed it.
It's still dicey.
Frail elders cannot process meds properly, or other meds disrupt others; so the effects can be wrong, too long,too much, or not enough.
Bottom line: It's VERY tough to deal with, even for professionals.
IF you need to withdraw to protect yourself, DO it, guilt-free.

Please get help from counseling, though:
---Seek new/better coping skills.
---Seek help healing from behaviors you experienced from Mom.
---Learn what makes your Mom as she is, understand it better--you probly have some awareness of her personal history--her childhood & life experiences, etc...these all contribute to how she is, as do previous generations in her family.
---Learn how Mom's mental ills have affected you & your siblings as you grew up.
---Learn to find Joy. Learn to love yourself, too.

You may go through all this, & still feel very fragile--=it's still OK=--to protect yourself from any who might "pull triggers" stimming your stresses.
With good Counseling, you will start to feel some periods of relief & stability, but there may always be times you feel fragile & need to protect yourself.

Please get help learning effective ways to deal with it, for you.
What that looks like varies widely--watching Dr. Oz, Oprah's Super Soul Sundays, Lunch with Bokara on Link TV, thousands of self-help books-
--just know, loads of it is entirely FREE.
You can even access books thru public libraries & online.
==Beware any person or system that wants money from you, UNLESS they are a 1-on-1 trained, licensed professional.
Some really good counselors will negotiate very low token fees.
As much as ObamaCare has caused problems, something it has done, is allow more psych appointments to be covered by insurance.
Medicare didn't used to cover it, now they do.
Your Mom may not be benefiting from it, but you can.
Taking care of You, means you're more effective doing what you do best in this world.
The best you can do, is the best you can do.
It's worth it; you're worth it!

Keepingmyword, your story just hit a nerve with me. My mom was sort of like this, and I have patients who can do stuff in PT but once back in room with family revert to sitting there expecting everything to be done for them - she will do more for herself when you are NOT there, and her silent expectation/habit/feeling of entitlement to have you do it all even though you are physically hurting yourself can't just take over.

I am so in awe of those who have offered such supportive advice. Thanks to all and Maybelle it sounds like our story is the same one. I hated having to retire early and did not get to enjoy it due to my ill health and now with Mother I just get so frustrated and feel so inadequate of helping her. She demands more energy that I have in a week and I cannot keep up with her and my husband cannot either.

To those I will try to remember : Alya, Lori, Coffeelover, ustefans and Chimonga what profound words of comfort you have offered and I see many of you are much further along this long hard road than I am. I will try and take heed to all the advice and am getting help for myself but don't know how much help I can be for mother with my own health problems. You all know what it is like to want to help in the worst way but are unable. I will have to work on my "boundaries" and find a "happy" medium for lack of a better word.. lol I pray my mother will soon give into the nursing home. I keep mentioning it and I noticed today she was much better but I cannot get her off the phone without sounding rude. She will repeat the same thing for an hour and I try to be "up" for her calls but it is not easy. Even when I tell her I need to go to pee or eat, she will not stop talking.

I just read a book where the lady was a hospice nurse and she would hang up on her mother when she started ranting but if I did that my mother would never talk to me again (and that might not be the worst thing??) But, I cannot allow her illness to suffocate me either. I am working on it and listening to these wonderful post of those who so understand.

Thanks again to each of you. I was on another where they were so complaining and cursing and I did not feel welcome their. I hope you understand. I compalined too but no let up. You have the answers here but it we don't take action, we cannot expect things to get better and I see it can be "tough love" but I will work the best I can to help myself so I can also help my mother. I just hate I am not well enough to do more. But, that is life and it is too short as it is. I love my mother , even if she is narcissistic and have learned how to do deal with everything until this dementia this year. I knew she was repeating herself but did not realize just how bad it was until it was the last few months since we moved her closer to my home, which is now only 5 minutes. But, the nursing home is next and I am reminding her and I noticed today she was not as bad. So, I know a little is her manipulating but there is no way to know the difference. I will just tolerate the best I can and then say that word "No" when all else fails. I will be here for her but do need to put restrictions on how much stress she causes before I lose it and say something I will regret. I have to be conscious of everything I say but I am telling her when she is able to listen the NH is next. That's the best I can do at the moment. And I know her doctor would sign her in. She was on no medication until the first of the year and now it is for high blood pressure, high cholesterol, memory loss, nerves and depression. It is now 5. I still believe doctors over medicate and the Atavin does not help her sleep as he told her it would. So, I think she needs something else.

All of her life she has gotten up at 8:00 am and had her coffee, made her bed and been dressed by 9:30 or 10:00 but the last few weeks she is still not dressed at noon. I wear lounging PJ's around the house but this is my bad habit. I have never known her to do this. So, I am seeing so many changes quickly. It is so hard for me to watch her get like this. She has always been so prim and proper and a strong woman. I guess all the warning signs are there for me to see and try to help the best I can.

Again, I cannot thank each of you enough for your posts and words of wisdom. I am getting pretty old myself and so much of the time lately, I feel like the child. So, this makes it harder for me to deal with her. But, I promise to work in it and am listening to those of you who have gone before me or are professionals in this elderly care field. I am not. I struggle to make each day work for me. Without this stress I did pretty well but not handling this responsibly thing so well. I never had a problem until I got so sick. but not am not able to cope with stress. But, I could not think of hurting mother and not going to see her or help her though this godforsaken illness.

Warm wishes and ((( HUGS)))

Sunny:)

Maybelle, I am so sorry to know it is your husband who you are taking care of but it sounds like you have learned your limitations better than I. I can see you have much to teach me. lol

Hugs,

Sunny:)

Ayla - in your profile, you say you are taking care of your mom at YOUR home, but then in your question you say she's lived in 2 independent livings, so I can't tell if she's with you now or not. I hope not for everything you've said. I see you're in Florida, where the Baker Act is I believe a state law... did she voluntarily submit herself or was it an involuntary evaluation through medical or police determination?

You haven't posted since you ask your question...what is your status now and how are YOU doing? Has anything changed yet?

When a caregiver is so depressed that they do not think life is worth living, then it is time to let go. A human being can only do so much and doing 24/7 caregiving alone is impossible. A caregivers life far exceeds the needs of elderly care.

Debralee, you are quite right.. I have been doing the 24/7 caregiving thing for almost 11 years all by myself and I am falling apart physically and emotionally. Mom fell twice today and the first time was early morning. I couldn't pick her up because I need back surgery so I called the ambulance and they helped. Then this afternoon she fell again and I was so upset that I waited for my daughter and the two of us picked her up. Mom has ZERO safety awareness and between her dementia and her stubborn refusal to listen to me, she falls. And my sisters have the nerve to criticize me for even thinking I can't do this job anymore. Down deep inside I know it is way past time to have her go into a NH... but the minute I do that, I won't be able to support this house on my income alone. It's a catch-22. Still I would say this is NOT worth our losing our emotional stability and physical health over.

This response is less useful and more a need for witness than the other truly poetic (in the sense of capturing the razor edge of the psychology of this issue). I retired early and moved 2500 miles to be near my 86-year-old parents. Within one year, I was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. My husband is 20 years older than me, and rightfully questioned and questions my devotion to my parents and family. I am 2nd generation from Russian and poor Swiss ancestors. My parents literally built a miraculous, upper middle class life. My mother, a very complex, intelligent borderline who chain-smoked, always made me bleed with guilt. As an adult, my dear, meek (abused-as-a-child) Dad opened his checkbook to pay for my Master's. I then thanked him by moving far away so I did not have to deal with Mom's tobacco or rage fumes, which literally made me sick. For 20 years, I visited my parents twice per year for two weeks at a time. I began to take over fiduciary duties. My mother resented her loss of independence and my father's progressive hydrocephalus symptoms (can appear to be dementia). My mother was always angry and making us believe it was because of us (siblings). During our adolescence, she let the teeth rot out of her head although my father's job provided 100% dental care. My brother, severe asthma (wonder if connected to heavy smoke but Mom always said "no" but I always knew better) -- committed suicide at 36. My sister, 225+ pounds, a sweetheart but so challenged in beginning to understand family dynamics that she now has two suicidal sons).

My mother died Nov. 3, 2010. A week prior, after spending the night at their home just 3 days before, she was rushed to Emergency -- weighed in at 65 pounds, with a UTI. When with her, I mentioned to her "Mom, are you having trouble? I smell something weird." She GLARED at me as she did all my life and said, "Mind your own business." She wore MuMus, so weight loss was never seen. She stood proud and ate a huge takeout of Friend Shrimp and Chinese the last night at her home, so I never thought she had issues. She had threatened my sister and I that she was going to "Sell the house" (expensive area) to be taken care of the rest of her life. She had a Jewish friend who offered her this option if she would sign over everything to them. Of course my sister and I were flummoxed -- what about Dad? She would not allow us to hire caregivers, housekeepers (she always fired them), nor laundry done nor anything. Yet WE were supposed to do it. Or feel the wrath of guilt if we didn't move back there to take care of her. After all, they took care of us.

Strangely, that last night together, she spouted some weird things. Such as, "Not much of a life for you." And "You are a peculiar little person." In retrospect, I believe her mother psychology was telling me "Save yourself."

I now take care (at a 150 mile distance with 2 professional caretakers running two shifts and a live-in suicidal nephew) my beloved Dad who never had a clue because he himself came from abuse and thought a simple laugh about something was more than enough. He worked with Warner Von Braun in top-secret engineering projects. He thought the world of my sister and I. Now he is living with a severely depressed narcoleptic grandson who we are beginning to suspect is emotionally abusive.

How do you know when to draw the line? I see my dear father's eyes, looking sweetly, with twinkle, in spite of his 92-year-old progressive hydrocephalus, saying, "That ain't right," about his grandson. Or "It's a father's job," when I ask him how he could hang in in spite of all the mental illness (I called it "emotions"). He always sweetly and depricatingly says, "It's my job." He is quite incontinent, but able to change his own Depends. How lucky we are. Weirdly, I attribute that to my Mother, who threatened unspeakable things upon him -- the fear created by an abusive, non-communicative, Borderline Queen -- saved Dad in his final years. He has dignity (mother would not have allowed otherwise). We are all pawns in the now-dead, matter-of-fact threats and guilts infused in our consciousness. But wait there's more.

Dad has the good fortune of a decent retirement package (about $24K/year). He was a Nuclear Occupation WWII vet who went into Nagasaki right after the bomb (no records, but he did). I was able to get Aid and Attendance.

So we are ok financially. But my own husband (a Korean War vet), at 82, is beginning the Walk. He is a retired psychologist so there is no problem with communication. I am fortunate he loves me. He shouldn't after never spending Christmas with him over 35 years (at my parents). How to draw the line?

I don't know. It is not my Dad's fault he is living beyond his own Dad (died at 53). He is a sweetheart who would open his home and checkbook to anyone I said, "Dad, so-and-so needs help." But wait -- he can no longer write checks. He tries to buy Lincolns -- I have to get out of deals he has never had to deal with not having enough money. Where to draw the line?

I don't know. My heart is full of arrow-lanced holes.

Too many of us go too long doing unrelenting, spirit-killing caregiving for elders too dysfunctional to manage, thinking it's honorable, even worth martyring ourselves for...it's not. Anyone who thinks martyring themselves is really a good thing, needs to get help, and really, really study what that means.

None can hurt us quite as deeply as a parent or partner who is mentally/emotionally ill &/or demented. How our bodies respond shows what damages are happening on far deeper levels.

Many who study these things have known, the first way we get "ill" is in the Spirit. If we fail to pay attention & fix it, we become mentally or emotionally off-kilter. If we still fail to fix that imbalance in our lives, our bodies start to cave & get sick.

Others who have studied this, concluded that those of us who "can't stomach" or "can't digest" what is being slung at us anymore, may develop things like IBS, Chron's disease, Gut cancers, eating disorders, etc.
Those of us who gain weight might be seen as "packing on armor" to protect ourselves from those angry, hurtful words & actions "loved ones" sling at us.
While I am not entirely sure I agree 100% with her take on these things, Louise Hay wrote "Heal Your Body"--a slim paperback packed with interesting information along these lines--& yet, many things are still missing from that.

One notable thing people bent on doing harm do, almost to a one, is that they commit verbal & physical disruption upon targeted person[s], to keep them so far off-balance, the targeted person fails to observe what the crazed/disruptive/abusive/bully person is really doing behind the smoke screen of behaviors.

In any case, it is one sure tool the disruptive person has, to prevent the target person from doing anything they don't want them to do.
Often, they are "hiding in plain sight" getting away with things--very like a magician's sleight-of-hand.
Next time you feel shoved off-balance, try taking a mental side-step to a position you can observe the raging person--what might they really be trying to cover up, to keep you from finding out?
OR, what might they be trying to tell you, because they can't otherwise tell it straight?
What are their fears that drive them to those behaviors?
IF you weren't being barraged, & also paying close attention, what might you have heard them trying to say?
What might happen if you tried telling them "It's OK, you are safe, really", "I love you"....?

Mom sometimes said, "I hate blue!" & other small cues she was very unhappy;
She'd rage at me in the car, sometimes grabbing the wheel, or hitting me.
She screamed at me for not taking her on odd exploratory trips to strange places--was she really just trying to "go somewhere else"? .
But she never did simply say "I want to move to my other kids house"--nope. FIRST she had to start a war on as many fronts as possible, then she maneuvered one of them to come rescue her.
RARE did she ever speak directly about what she wanted.
And, the more she felt she was getting away with, the more she raged and acted out to cover up her maneuvering she thought I was not aware of.
Yet it still hurt, even though I realized what she was doing.
When it got to the point even saying "I love you" failed to help things, it was beyond fixing.

It still hurts now, years after; often I still feel fragile...if any of that part of family approached me for just about anything, I have little grounds to believe anything they say or do, because of Mom's actions/words motivating them to commit more of her brand of crazy upon me for so long/often. .
I will probably always protect myself from them, to prevent more of their harm at my expense.
I had to separate from their need for drama, to allow me to live.
I never knew it was OK to do--for a long time I felt guilty, until I read something on pages discussing Narcissism: sometimes, one has to cut off relations to some extent, to protect oneself--it's OK--that is protecting you from further damage from that source.
It's OK to love them from a distance, love the good parts of them, & let the sick parts go.

We really need to learn how to take time for ourselves, keep ourselves as well as possible, as functional as possible. If we fail to care for ourselves on a daily basis, we cannot do a very good job of caring for anyone else.
When we realize we are slipping & falling down some weird "rabbit hole", & our health is failing, we really do have a prime directive to correct the path we're on.
It's OK. We're worth saving, worth taking care of, too.

"What you do for yourself, you're doing for others,
& what you do for others, you're doing for yourself." ~ Pema Chodron

My God, each of these stories are pieces of me. I stumbled on to this looking to see if Medicare would cover a couple of hours respite. My girlfriend and I are disabled caring for Mom. We've lived together since I was 20 something. We are 52 now. I feel like I've been a prisoner of mine and girlfriend's disability for so long and now this, Alzheimer's disease. She's in her 80's. I have a feeling I'll be 70 and will have never been able to do anything because of all this. God forgive me for complaining but I'm at the end. All my life has been controlled by circumstance. Perhaps that's all... We brought our home before all the health problems started for us with the wish Mom lives w/ us. Figured we'd hire a nurse. Now Mom won't consider Day treatment, a nurse in home she gets very anxious and thinks we will abandon her. Everyday brings something new. I had to buy sugar packets because I couldn't stand seeing her eat directly from the sugar bowl we all use for coffee. I feel like I'm down in a hole.

It is possible that neurotransmitters in our brains (oxytocin for example) set us up at birth to know that our survival depends on attachment to our parent. We don't even know this happened. Both baby and mother dance an elaborate path all their lives to get needs met. Narcissists are pretty good at their one-way line dance (they hold all the power). It is no wonder those of us who are taking care of declining Narcissists bleed ourselves out (and mother knows how to re-open the wounds). Subconsciously we would rather die than be seen as non-attentive to our Narcissist lifeline. I sometimes wonder if that's why I got lymphoma the week after retiring early to take care of my Mom. Wonder if depression/fibromyalgia is the wisdom of our brain's chemicals trying to get balance for ourselves. If we can survive little baby attempts to objectively take control -- like not answering the phone or setting phone limits or topic limits -- it seems we can start building a larger life without our lifeline. Sometimes it helps me to allow 15 minutes a day to visit my mother's shrine (which is located in my mind) and ask her if what I am doing (living without her) is really so bad. My mind seems to kindly present her as a benign person who says "You are doing great." And I realize that is what a sane person would say. Anyone who judges another morally, when they do not walk in another's shoes, is overstepping their boundary. If they want to probe and take the time to understand, they will find the story to be much bigger. You have served your Mom's purposes in this life beautifully. It is nature's and maybe God's imperative you now balance what used to work for you with her with your own meaning in life, which will now include awareness of your limits and boundaries. My heart resonates with you. Be kind to yourself, too. You have gone through Hell and back.

I am working on mental therapy to work out stressing issues from long-term abuse from my elderly mother (93), caregiver responsibilities of over 20 years, job stress of over 20 years and long-term unemployment of over one year. I am 57 and go out for the fun I had given up from all the years of responsibilities. My own health is excellent but I sleep only about 4 to 5 hours daily.

Mom has since been moved into a 24-hour assisted living community from CA to OR state. We still jointly own our condo in CA.

Pat - may you get some MUCH needed rest!!

I have seen mentioned on this site that some folks may move to WA or OR because of their assisted suicide laws. I see you are in Oregon. Could you share with us how is sis did suicide works in your state?

Ayla Thank you for having the courage to share your story. Did you get the help you were seeking? You certainly prompted an avalanche or people to share their stories. Your own health comes first. However much you do for Mom she will never be happy. Happiness comes from within. Some one else can't dispense it like a prescription. we are each responsible for our own selves. When we can no longer look after ourselves someone else takes on the responsibility and we hope and pray that it is someone who loves us enough to do the best they can because they love us. The family is the first line of responsibility for your mothers welfare. You need to be taken care of yourself now so that you can heal mentally and physically. The family as a single unit has to be responsible for making sure mom is in a safe place and is being properly cared for. Divide up the responsibilities and don't take on more than your fair share. That does not mean that mom has to move in with someone. In fact given the family dynamics it looks as though that would be a bad thing. No one want to be around mom or hear her constant complaints. Tell her plainly that you will call her at certain times each week and talk for half an hour. Go and visit her if you feel up to it and take care of anything that needs to be done of a practical nature.Take flowers or something else she might like. be very firm and tell her as many times as it takes to sink in that you are sick and have to get well and the stress of listening to her constant complaints makes your illness worse. Insist the subject is changed or leave. Have a list of things ready to talk about. You can even ask her advice, decorating, garden cooking etc. To protect yourself go with the attitude that you are a volunteer visiting a nursing home resident. I hope this is of some help to you and the others who have shared their pain.