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Where do you go? How do you stop being attacked? What are the caregiver's rights? My Mom is sinking deeper and more frequently into the part of saying horrible hurtful words and the cussing! She would surely make a sailor blush as the saying goes. Mom is like this with everyone in the home. It is taking a serious emotional toll on everyone. It has now become an everyday thing. One minute she's as sweet as can be. Laughing and talking with us. The next moment she turns into someone else. Example: if you disagree with her, don't include her in a private conversation, if she notices something in the house has been moved, all this and much more sets her off. We have our TV, computer, coffee maker, and we're putting our microwave in our room this weekend. Along with all that our granddaughter's pack and play crib is in our bedroom. Thank GOD we have a bathroom in our room. I hate having to go into the kitchen to get something as she seems always ready for an argument. My husbands step Dad who he was very close to passed away this past Tuesday evening. The following evening we were going to my husbands Mom's home so that we could comfort her and just be there for her. I mentioned this earlier in the day to my mom to just let her know that I had her medicine made up and dinner in the fridge because we would be home late. She was livid! Why? Because she was going to be left alone! She kept knocking several times on our bedroom door asking us when we were leaving? each time more aggitated. We finally left and upon our coming into the house later that night she was ready and waiting on us! We didn't even have the door shut yet! I'm sure by now some of you are asking why don't you just leave? The answer....we sold our home, gave everything away and now all we have are boxes of the 14 yrs in our old home. Our home was to small for Mom to come and live with us. I didn't want her living in a nursing home so we moved in with her. Now we have no where to go. I had mentioned an assisted living for her a few months ago, Everyone from the people in the nursing homes to her Aides that come in to help her said to my Mom....they just want to stick you some where and take your home! What!!! I told my Mom straight up sell your home, get a nest egg and go into AL. That was until I was told that she could not sell her home for 5 years being on Medicaid. So here we are. I don't know what to do. My family Dr. has increased my depression meds and suggested that I take seriously to finding a Psychologist. I am in the process of doing that now. Any advice would be welcomed. Thanks to everyone who got through this long winded message. Hugs to all~Donna

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Bookworm, my mother is very self centered. The only thing I can do if she gets nasty is walk away. My mother has dementia, though she doesn't recognize it. This causes all kinds of problems itself. Quite often she'll ask me for something I know she doesn't need, like a strong laxative or an extra pill. If I say she doesn't need it or there isn't extras, she come into my room and start yelling and slamming things. I've grown a backbone since being here and keep telling her to leave my room until she goes. Standing right back up to her is the thing that works. She goes away mad, but at least she goes away.

When she starts telling me how difficult I am, I have started to tell her that it isn't me, it is her. She can't see that she is the instigator. She gets mad at me for not acting totally subservient. Usually I walk away, but there are times when I have to back her down or I wouldn't be able to stay.

It can be a problem when we move into their homes, since they want total control. They see us as willful teenagers even when we are getting Medicare. It's really silly if you think about it. One thing I wondered is if your daughter and grandchild would be able to afford their own place so they could get away from her at least part of the time. You could keep the grandchild as your daughter worked, then she could come get her and take her home. That would take some of the pressure off, but I don't know if it is doable.

I don't envy you at all. When mama's not happy, ain't nobody happy. And if mama's unhappy all the time it is a recipe for misery.
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It is not only unprofessional, it would be trying to put themselves out of a job. So I don't believe it. So I think mother thinks that's what they're saying. Possibly they're just not disagreeing when she says it to them, and she takes silence as endorsement.

Also, a good clutch of these people are mandatory reporters if they suspect abuse, which stealing somebody's house and locking her away would be.

Bookworm, unless you are hearing these things with your own ears - in which case you go straight to the person's line manager about it - do take them with a grain of salt.
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Bookworm, can you give a bit of information regarding your mom's condition? Does she have any demensia? Or is it just physical disabilities? My mom has Alzheimer's and she went through a stage where she was quite mean. It is difficult to deal with. She said mean and hurtful things. Even knowing that it is due to the disease damaging her brain, it still hurts. I had to learn strategies to communicate with her without agitating. Teepa Snow and Naomi Feil both have great information on techniques to use. I suggest you look on YouTube or  in the library. Over time my husband and I have developed ways to better deal with these behaviors. My mom also developed a sailor's mouth...it was shocking at first, but pretty soon you just ignore it. My 13 year old grandson said one day, "how come grandma can't remember her own name but she knows all the cuss words!"
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The aides at rehab and from a therapy agency are telling her this? This is so unprofessional and should be reported.
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Your mother is already on Medicaid?

I'm not sure, but I don't see why that stops her selling up. She would then need to spend down the proceeds of the house sale and reapply for Medicaid; or else reimburse Medicaid from the proceeds; or whatever - other posters will know the process properly. But anyway the advice you were given sounds a bit mangled to me.

Assume it is possible, though. Then what?

Meanwhile, I agree with JoAnn that it sounds as if your mother is past the point where she can safely be left alone. She didn't throw that scene to be selfish or dramatic; the disruption to routine did, as you say, agitate her. She can't cope.

Hmmmm. "Everyone" in the nursing homes, the aides who come in to help her, these people all said you just want to put her away and take her house, did they? Did they? What, they said that in your hearing? Or is that what your mother said they said?
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My mom can be left alone as she gets around well in her wheelchair. Her meals are pre-prepared, she has a cell phone and life alert. The aides I were mentioning were from the second time she had P.T. and O.T. @ home.

Same with the second nursing home, her P.T. told her this as well. my mom believed it and thought we were plotting against her.

I would love to find a place of our own! It's just going to take some time to save up enough to do so. As we split all the bills and lot rent with my Mom.
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That is hard when here you are doing best you can and helping her that you are "accused" of wanting her gone to "steal" house. This is one of many reasons people dont understand and just want to put their two cents in or judge, yet what are they doing? My hub and I were talking about that today. I am far more worried about what people think or things I hear they say. He is not. I dont have any advice for you except to just hang in there and talk with your husband. You are attached deeper than he more than likely and he can handle it better and advise a day to day approach. Keep venting here and keep up your own mental health appointments. Hugs to you x
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Bookworm, all of us *have* been in these situations in which our elderly demented parents get agitated by change in routine. No one is reprimanding
you.

Your mother needs meds for anxiety, agitation and depression. Talk to her doctor or get her to a geriatric psychiatrist.

When the person you are giving care to is attacking you, you can leave the room. You can say " mother, I'm so sorry you feel that way!"and perhaps try to distract her. If she is demanding something unreasonably, you can say " no, not now".

But don't expect a mentally ill, demented senior to become considerate and understanding.
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BarbBrooklyn,

My mom is on depression meds. Yes, you're right I can leave the room. The only thing is she follows me to our room and sits there beating on the door. Where am I supposed to go? The room is only so big.

No is not a word she will accept. As stated "what happened in the nursing home when they told her no and that she'd have to wait." No matter how soft I say it. Telling her no sends her off on a tangent. The last part of your message

"But don't expect a mentally ill, demented senior to become considerate and understanding.

That's why the heading of my message said

"What do you do when the caregivers are being verbally and emotionally attacked?

I just wanted to ask and know what others have tried and if they were successful. I have tried talking more softly, trying to distract her and change the subject, I have walked away and went to our room. That's why I came to this forum. I am running out of ideas.

She has several referrals that she will get on her Dr's visit this week. One of them being a geriatric psychiatrist.
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Have you asked the other caregivers, who are telling her you are after her house and money,, straight up.. about what she says they said? You may be surprised, and they may be surprised! She very well could be making this up, and they may well be shocked as well. I might try this tactic first. And I would have been all over that right away!
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