How to deal with family member who came to visit her mother once in awhile, and advising me how to approach her?
I'm hired caregiver has been over 4 years for 93(w/f) has 5 children.... One of her daughter came see her almost every days and I get along with her very well!! But now I do have 2nd thought. Why? out of town daughter (OTD)called me " You should not tell my C/her mother about her passed parents" that makes her mother sad.... Because I keep the logs when I'm with her and report all our activities (most of the time good things not she had bad behavior) I fell I don't have to please with them but I do like to have good relationship, I told her daughter that it's not anything wrong to tell her real story of her parent's passed about over (father 50 years ago, Mother 25 years ago).....My C couldn't remember what I said to her, I just don't like myself for apologize to C's daughter, but I did...... OTD is Speech Therapist, she is advising me to how to approach Dementia mother?
I also sympathise with the point that the out of town Speech Therapist daughter isn't there to observe the caregiver's interaction with her mother and may not be the best judge of what will satisfy and reassure her in the moment.
But who's paying? Who is your de facto line manager? I'd ask that person for guidance whenever you come across any difficulties like this - with five children potentially chipping in, you're bound to get conflicting instructions sometimes.
OTD is Speech Therapist, and they often deal with persons with dementia, because dementia affects speech and the ability to swallow. She may have had considerable training in handling dementia issues. And she may have done reading and attended seminars, etc. since her mother was diagnosed. You cannot dismiss her concerns on the grounds that she is "only a speech therapist."
It may surprise you to learn that avoiding the topic of a loved one's death is often recommended by experts, including some on this forum. The person with dementia will not remember the explanation and it is painful at the time. Why cause pain for no reason? If the client brings it up, "Where is my mother?" change the subject or be evasive or flat out tell her something that will please her. "Your mother is enjoying herself today."
If you were taking care of my mother and I heard you were making her sad by insisting on telling her the "real story" of her parents death, I would first ask you to please stop. And if you continued I'd raise holy hell and try get you fired.
Sorry. But family gets to direct the approach taken to these kinds of topics.
You need to follow the guidance of the person who hired you. But keep in mind that other family members can influence that person.
My thinking is along two lines, actually three..
First: continue to do what you have been doing about talking with the old lady about anything and everything.
Second : When family says don't talk about this or that, smile and say "of course."
Third: talk with her about school days when she was a child. Then when you write in the log book, you can write "We talked about a lot of things including her school day experiences when she was a child." In case you happened to talk about her long-deceased parents, you could choose to "forget" to write that in the log book...
In my opinion "forgetting" to write every single detail in the log book, or even hiding what is talked about is a good thing, so long as what you do talk about makes her happy..
Final thought: In my opinion it is NOT worth it to argue with family. Rather than seek out who is the boss among them for clear guidance, just take it all in stride, smile and say "ok" when family says this or that, continue to love on their mom, and be proud that you have such a good heart.
Grace + Peace.
bob
It's true that the family, or whoever pays you, directs the care. You are to be admired for trying to get along with them for everyone's sake. It's too bad you can't be cloned.
Take care,
Carol
Follow the directions that the family gives as unpleasant as it might be.