How many caregivers can remember your parents providing care for their parents?

Let's switch this around a bit. Who do you think will care for you when the time comes. ME? Nobody. No children. The two deadbeat sisters actually didn't consider this when they plotted to abandon me with Mom when she got older.

"You didn't have any children, so it's YOUR turn to suffer!" That's the sort of thoughtless peashooter mind insult you sling in the middle of an argument. But the two deadbeats kept repeating it in person and emails (and they are grown up people now!). Finally one of them wrote me that they'd been griping about my single lifestyle all along, decades, and had this curse on me.

Yeah, my single lifestyle: on boards of nonprofits, cofounder of a healing arts center, headed a drug abuse prevention task force, community building committees, interviewing the brightest minds in the world. Hey, I knew someone who was on Elisabeth Kubler Ross's hospice team. Left all that to care for Mom, who makes no viable contribution to society any more.

So Mom is not the Curse of my choice: it's that I will do all this for her (reaching 8 full years), yet have no one to care for me. I imagine there are a lot of single, no-children women out there who got stuck as caregiver. And they are wondering when they'll be rewarded...with the possiblity of NEVER, not for you. Heaven maybe. "You're earning good karma," as my mom's Public Guardian told me. Whut about this lifetime?

NUTZ:

In the Brazilian side of my family, the elders -- whether disabled or not -- lived among us until the day they died. They were engaged, loved, involved, respected, and often venerated. Some wove baskets, others helped in the kitchen, babysat, or functioned as kindergarten teachers while everyone else was working the fields. Unless they were very, very sick or mentally impaired to the point of being a danger to others placing them in nursing homes or "looney bins" was tantamount to betrayal. My father lost his bout to prostate cancer at the age of 62. His mother, 103, is still The Queen and runs the farm like a boot camp. You don't pull you don't weight, you don't eat; and that's that. She raised me since the age of 3 1/2, and I worship her.

In the Puerto Rican side of the family, things were much different and elderly abuse in all its manifestations wasn't uncommon. From "hurry up and die already so I can get a man to stay overnight" to "I'll slap the ____ out of you if you don't shut up, eat that soup, take a bath," etc. My mother and her 5 vulturish brothers would tend to Grandma Lupe every time she was bedridden hoping she'd keel over her rice and beans so they could divvy up her property. The old lady, 90+ and still strong, has buried two of them already -- with four sickly, worn out, and prematurely-aged ones to go. My money is on her. As horrible as it sounds, she'll be shoveling dirt over their coffins.

I'm still amazed that both my grandmothers and their contemporaries rarely get sick. Their husbands, whether in Heaven or the Netherworld, loved the drink but did a lot of physical work and were in great shape compared to the bowling pin bodies we're so accustomed to seeing today. Their diets were cleaner and relied on basic home remedies for their ailments. In sum, they took better care of themselves so they wouldn't be a burden to others in their old age. Like them, I look younger than my age, exercise, watch my diet, and build community by sharing what I know. In a nutshell, I network and do my best to be self-sufficient. In today's complacent American society, I'm seeing less and less of that.

-- ED

As an adult, before my mother married my dad, my mom and her grandmother lived together in the teacherage provided by the rural school area where my mom taught. I only learned recently that after Mom and Dad married, mom's grandmother lived with them for more than two years. I never heard what my dad thought of this arrangement. My mom's grandmother left a few months after I was born and she returned to live where she had raised her own family and where a daughter still lived. Mom and Dad then had some years to live as a couple with three kids. Then my Dad's mom became too ill for my grandfather to look after her on his own so my two grandparents moved in with us. I think my mom felt quite close to my grandmother and she enjoyed the company of my grandfather. We had no modern conveniences on the farm and the old farmhouse was so cold in the winter that the water froze in the water pail overnight in the kitchen.The dining room served as my grandparents bedroom (it was the one room [other than the kitchen] that had a stove in it so in the winter at least there was the SUGGESTION of warmth in that room and my grandparents slept on a davenport. I can't remember where my grandparents stored any extra clothes in the dining room. Granny did not speak, she could only shuffle along with the assistance of a person on each side of her, and she would choke on her food at the table and spray the partially chewed- up food onto the table. Seven of us sat around a rectangular table no bigger than 2.5 ft X 5 ft so sometimes the spray landed on most of our plates. Granny had been a wonderful God-fearing person and she did not deserve such an end but it was hereditary. My grandfather and my mom looked after her the best they could and Granny died one summer day while sitting on our chesterfield. After that my grandfather moved to the city, "batched" in a basement room and made the most of the rest of his life.

On my mother's side, her father had lost his wife after she gave birth to my mom. He had hired housekeepers and one of these housekeepers ended up becoming his wife. My mom and her step-mother were never on the same wave length and my mom and her dad and step-mother lived in different provinces as soon as my mom could move away from home. However, after my mom's dad died, the step-mother came to live with us because she had no one else to care for her after suffering a stroke. By this time our old farmhouse had been wired for electricity and a furnace that could direct heat into three rooms had been installed in a wall between the living room and dining room. Dad built an INSULATED !!!! lean-to bedroom onto the living room and the third duct of the furnace put heat into that room. This was my step-mother's bedroom. My mom and her step-mother continued to be on different wave-lengths but they put up with each other. We kids called this grandmother GB (for Grandma Brown) and we had fun with her. GB became more and more disabled and she died in a nearby hospital.

The thing that was different about my mom caring for her elders was that we kids were home to fill in for her when she wanted to go to her many meetings etc. The elders became ill in their 60's and 70's while my mother was still in her 40's. By the time my mom was 50, all the elders were gone and my mom has had the rest of her life free of family elder-care responsibility. She has just begun to need REAL care herself at the same time as we, her children, needed to care for ill mates or were in poor health ourselves. What to do under these circumstances has presented a great dilemma.

Hi, I'm new here and found this question applied, so I thought I would reply.

My mother was born a caregiver, and in fact, I think she literally lives for other people to 'need' her. She was the sole caregiver (because none of her siblings helped) of her mother. My grandmother lived with us at times and at times in NH's. Then my father died suddenly, leaving his elderly mother in an independent living facility not far from our home. I had married and had 2 small children at the time, but felt it was my responsibility to care for my grandmother. No way - my mother insisted on being the caregiver to her mother-in-law and complained the whole time.

However, it seemed when anything major happened, my mother was unavailable and I would get the dreaded call that she fell and broke her hip, or was sick and needed to go to the hospital. Of course, I never handled anything correctly according to my mother and when she would appear back on the scene, she would take over and tell me how disappointed she was in my decisions.

After my grandmother died, my mother's oldest brother (who was 22 years older than she) was in bad health, so she drove 6 hours back and forth every weekend to care for him. He didn't want to move closer, so she just left him 6 hours away and complained to everyone about how tired she was taking care of him. This eventually got her in trouble with Adult Protective Services, so she basically started living there with him until he died.

After he died, another brother became ill. He lived a bit closer and had two children that basically took care of him, but of course, not to her liking. She would call me constantly complaining of how she didn't like what and how they were taking care of him. I tried to explain that it really wasn't any of her business - that certainly didn't help matters.

After he died, his wife (my mother's sister in law) became ill, and the whole thing started again. My mother never liked my aunt, and even though my mother's brother was deceased, she kept trying to stick her nose into her care. It's simply amazing at how my mother wants to be everyone's caregiver!

Now all my mothers siblings are deceased and I'm sort of relieved thinking she can enjoy life and not have to take care of anyone but herself. Wrong! Now she has decided to be caregiver for the little man that lives across the street from her!

I tell her to stay out of his business, as she is now giving him financial and legal advice (which she is not competent to do!) and I'm afraid she is going to get herself into trouble. She gets mad at me and the whole conversation about me taking care of her starts up. She says she is aware that I will probably not take care of her, or will in no way be as good a caregiver as she is because I just don't seem to have caregiving in my blood because I don't take care of people. She is right, I won't be the kind of caregiver that she is - but I will take very good care of her. I'm an only child and I think she is scared to death that no one will take care of her. She tries to broker deals with people she meets to take care of her when she can no longer take care of herself!!!

While she is still independent, I have started seeing her decline, slips in her mind, and comments that don't make sense such as 3-5 shifts in topics within one sentence. She is very very demanding and at times drives me insane!

So to answer your question, yes, my mother was a caregiver. It has taught me a lot about how to caregive, but I'm in no way the same kind of caregiver that she is.

HEy Y'all thanks for the comments, I was very curious... I dunno It just seemed that when I was young, most people didn't die @ home, rather in the hospitals. Gosh, I cant remember my parents or any of my aunts or uncle ( all ten of my mothers siblings) taking care of their parents or inlaws. Maybe it is the technology that is causing us to have a longer life span and changing circumstances.
Technology is a wonderful thing, but sometimes even though we can, one often doesn't stop to ask if we SHOULD! I think im going to continue my bad habits. Im gonna erase all those wonderful years @ the end. NO THANKS. * can someone please pass me the Krispy Creams ? with a side of lard?

I'm depending on 'daugher-in-law insurance'. My d-i-l is gonna put a pillow over my face and call it good. I'm gonna have to make sure she still likes me at the time though, don't want that pillow too soon. ha.

Its always been that way in my family - learned watching my gran take care of her dad & it went from there. When my dad's parents got sick my mom didn't hesitate to move them in with us. As kids we learned caring for others was part of being a family so it was a natural to take over when my mom started having problems.

Thanks for this topic - nice to share positive experiences with others. Maybe our family is blessed, or maybe learning early on makes you easier to deal with when ill and more appreciative and tolerant of what it is like to need care. What ever it is, now that the whole healthcare debate is taking on a new direction, more and more will be asked to do for their own people - with I hope some funds that only used to go to the nursing homes. Not all seniors are flush and in this economy, we all sure could use some help.

PirateGal, your mom hasn't been very fair to you. Needing care will eventually happen and how respectful it would be for the parent to "ask" the kid(s) to sit down and plan for the future. Some parents are so selfish, they think so little of their kids, they just demand and/or expect the kids to give up their own lives to care for them, even when the hardships caused will be devastating (like losing a job). My mom demanded that I care for her and dad, totally unnecessary because of course I'd step up to the plate when needed. It was insulting. And deadbeat sister got off scot free, never has done one thing for dad (gone 14yrs) or mom (still alive). The demanding started that day and never stopped. Mom fought me every inch of the way. It was hell. Now she's disinherited me, and moved the paid caregiver in. All of this has taught me to be prepared. Husband and I have long term care in place. Three respected (and respectful) adult kids have been asked to help when the time comes, it's never been demanded or expected of them. Kind words go a long way. I wish my grandma had prepared better for her last years as she wouldn't have had to live with my mom who made grandma's life a living hell. Life is strange sometimes.

hi there... it's friday i got the chance to read the posts here. I feel my mom is so unfair to me. She never really spend that much many years taking care of her own parents, because my mom was a teacher & works in the city but her parents lived in the province. so there, you got a very nice excuse not to care for her own parents. But with me now, we have been living in the same roof for the past 18 yrs & am so sick & tired of her. She is so unfair & I know she won't understand my complain. It's only on this website that I can rant & vent & shout to the world I wanted her to finally RIP fast as in like 2-5 months so that next year, my daughter & I can travel for vacation. I'm inviting all of us to join a prayer brigade that might actually work. After all these elderlies mostly are empty shells of what they used to be. I love my mom & it pains me to see her just deteriorate. She's like our old ancestral house in the province, old dilapidated empty and no amount of financial medical aid will bring her back to her same good positive disposition. That's why aside from prayer brigade, I also practice medical financial triage as that's the only way that she won't totally sink my atm card payroll to further indebtedness. I can't help but feel & compare the kind of care she provided to her own parents don't even match an inch to the kind of sacrifice that i've done for her all these 18 yrs. I've lost sizable income because I stopped working abroad & stayed home to care for her. I have a job but it's living paycheck to paycheck. because of her I sometimes can't help but blame her that I am seeing my own ability to secure a decent retirement fund become an impossibility if she remains living for another 10-15 yrs. By that time, she & me will be both senior citizens. Life is never fair for many of us... sigh I feel like crying...

mhmarfil, this is a terrible situation for you. Is there any other way of dealing with it? Why can't your mother be placed in a care facility so that you can get back to earning a better income to prepare yourself for YOUR senior years? When you started to care for your mother, you probably had NO idea that the care would have to continue for year after year after year ad nauseum. I think it's high time for a change. Enough of Mom affecting the whole of your future, let alone how she has affected your past and is affecting the present. And please don't rely on a prayer brigade. We have been created with the power to reason so make good use of your brain and figure out how to make a change ASAP. Please let us know what you do. Best wishes.