I had to set up new account due to passwords not matching up. Previous screen name was Diannekk. Anyhow, no one will probably remember me because I haven't posted or replied in forever. No time. Not for myself or a support forum. Just at wits end. Caring for 68 yo mom with lung disease. She has been hospitalized 3 times this year for lung infections. Plus has fell a few times. Its one thing after another & I'm going to be honest. I feel done with the situation. Just done. I've fell into a deep depression, which I'm working through with help from zoloft but all I want is MY life back. I'd love to have a break also. No vacay in 4 yrs now due to her health. I just wonder if it ever gets easier. I won't be able to tolerate this deal much longer & I feel zero guilt for approaching the time to place her in a SNF. I tried to get hospital to send her to rehab last time but they were zero help. If and when she falls again is when she will go to rehab and I plan to do placement at that time. I have given my life up and I'm ready to reclaim it. Any thoughts tips or advice? A person knows how much they can personally withstand and I am there. I want to be a daughter again and still caregive from distance but my whole life on hold is ridiculous. My mother didn't do this. Why am I in a neverending situation?
Start the process to place your mother now. Apply for Medicaid if necessary. Get POA if you don’t already have it. Start touring facilities. Speak with her doctors for a referral stating that she needs more care than you can provide. Turn your feelings of hopelessness into being proactive about changing your situation. Good luck. Come back and tell you how you’re doing.
Theres no question of your love for your mother. But, you also need to love yourself as well. Start looking for placement for her now. And come back often with updates.
But wanted to say, you don't come across as harsh at all -- you come across as tired and worn out from this, and that's real and ok. Keep coming back here when you get time, and soak up the encouragement of everyone's stories and advice. You said it yourself, we know how much we can take. And honestly, it seems like once we say we are at the end of our rope . . . . . we were really at the end of our rope some time ago.
{{{hugs}}} to you, it's hard, and lonely, and you are not imagining that at all!!
Thank u:)😊😘😇
You are caring for your Mum, who lives at XXX Hall/Home/Manor.
Still caring, just differently. A new chapter.
Less physical hands-on caring but eventually, once the burnout subsides, a cheerful loving daughter to be a very welcome visitor. And steps towards your own life plans for yourself.
You've ready for this new path. All the best.
But note the stress does not end with nursing homes. You have to visit and very often, preferably daily. They still will fall, and they can easily get infection from other patients. However, if you are unable to manage her bowels and bladder, which it will become (my mom forgot how to bear down. I have to use enemas otherwise she will get impacted), you are better off putting her in a nursing home. However, nursing homes do not always keep tabs when their last bowel movement was...or they can get c. diff and superbugs from the other patients. Happens a lot in institutionalized care.
Hospitals and nursing homes are very dangerous places. If your mom is still cognizant in any way, all you will hear is she will want to go home. You will have to live with a lot of guilt.
I can tell you what I've been going through. My mommy is 87, on hospice because mom has a Zenker's in her throat and her stomach thru her diaphragm.
She wanted them fixed but the doctors didn't explain it to her very well. Mom drinks water and crown. Since her last hospital stay for aerated pneumonia they outvoted me and put mommy on Hospice. So since Jan mommy weighs 81 pounds. Now let's if this blows you away.
My mommy had 13 living children. Yes. Most live right around us. I've begged, i called them to come to a meeting.
So i do wish something more.
Or i just got off work kids are gone. I'm sorry i should of more firm with them. After 20 years ive escaped back to drugs. Ive mentality tormented myself. We also went on about 50 trips just mommy and i
Would I be right in guessing that the person who most undermines your confidence in your judgement about all this is... you?
You have been fighting this battle for *years*. Your mother's care needs have increased, having been quite demanding from the outset, and are now well into the realm of requiring skilled nursing. It seems clear to the outside reader that you are making a practical decision in your mother's best interests, and that you will continue to be her concerned, loving daughter (only better placed to do it).
So who, apart from you, isn't completely sure this is the right decision? I suspect it is just you.
Unless there are people around you chipping in unhelpful, unsolicited advice from the sidelines?
Have you had a look at a nearby NHs and drawn up a shortlist, or at least a wish list? I think and hope you'll feel much better once you do that, and have more certainty about next steps.
JLJMT
Im so done too! , I cry nearly everyday, had labs drawn for physical, cardiac panel abnormal, never has been but sure it’s the stress. We have to take care of ourselves!! Mom now goes to a senior daycare center 5 days a week & thats 40 hrs a week I don’t have to listen to her nastiness & selfishness.
May you make good choices for you. This site has been a life saver for me. Keep us posted on you!!!
Have you explored any options, such as getting help to come in or moving mom to MC? If she is low-income, she could qualify for Medicaid help, which can provide funds for LTC facilities or bringing help into your home, giving you some respite. Was her husband in the military? They also have aid/attendance programs for widows of veterans. It is also needs based. If she has enough money (read too much to qualify for Medicaid/VA benefits), have you considered moving her to a safe facility and/or using her money to bring in help? While it is great to promise never to put someone into a facility (and most are not at all like the ones our parents were used to back in the day), sometimes is it BETTER for everyone involved. There is no point to jeopardizing your health or sanity trying to honor a promise made long ago, before dementia! There are many options that might work - MC facility, some more home-like set ups, NH if she needs specialized nursing care.
There are Elder Care attorneys who can advise you with care, Medicaid, VA benefits, etc if you need help with these. USUALLY they will give you a first consult free (so have all your questions written up beforehand!) If you feel they can help and mom has the funds, HER money should be used to pay the atty fees.
You say you "...feel zero guilt for approaching the time to place her in a SNF" - this is easy to think and say, but inside you are still having doubts. Had my mother been in this situation 30 years ago (she is almost 96 now, going on 3!) I would NOT have been able to care for her (raising two kids, working full-time, sometimes 2 jobs, going to school, managing a house and expenses, etc.) It is hard enough to provide the care, but to have to listen to the blaming and guilt trips on top of that, sheesh! Enough already, time to move forward!
"I want to be a daughter again and still caregive from distance" - this is a concept that some people who post here (none on this thread, yet...) don't understand. Care-giving does NOT have to be in home 24/7. When it was time for mom to not be alone, she wanted nothing to do with moving into any AL or with one of us, but she could not remain home (we tried hiring help, but after a few weeks, she refused to let them in.) There are multiple logistical and medical reasons I cannot take her in and if either brother took her, they would be overwhelmed in no time (clueless about dementia, they were and are!) I cannot even imagine how y'all do it - just managing everything else (and there is a lot!) is time-consuming, frustrating, aggravating and is sucking down my retirement day by day.... If one or more of those people post here with their guilt trips, IGNORE THEM!
"My mother didn't do this. Why am I in a neverending situation?"
Unfortunately I cannot say what you did - mom/dad and mom's sisters took turns caring for grandmother - granted it was a whole different scenario - she was EASY to care for, no real major medical issues, no dementia, just needed someone to watch over her and provide the necessities of life (meals, laundry, safe warm place to live.) The parents/aunts were more like in their 50's and she was gone by the time they all retired, so they had it EASY! Our mother was 90+ when it became an issue, so it has impacted us (mainly me in my disabled retirement years!!!)
So, don't let her or anyone else guilt trip you. You did what you could and it will be best for all to find her a nice place where she can live and you can be her daughter again and regain some semblance of life.
You put your life on hold for your loved one. What is wrong with that. Lots of good people take care of family especially their parents but some people want the easy way out. Bless the wonderful people that are not selfish and taking care of their parents. You all will be blessed some day. I was extremely busy, I quit my professional job to care for my lovely mother 18 years ago. The nurses in the hospital comment each time on the care my mother receives. They state it is rare to see such a devoted daughter take care of their mother in the manner I care for her. I think your advice is way out of line. Retirement ? That is the last thing on my mind. You will be an elder some day and need help. How would you feel if your family stuck you in a nursing home when you are old and needy. I am glad I am not that kind of person..Thank you to the caregivers for being so kind to our elderly population and your hard work. You will be blessed someday!!!!
Blessings for being a good daughter !!!
Dont give up on you!!!! We have a voice & we must continue to use it!! Prayers!
Best of luck!