Caregiving doesn't end when Mom or Dad dies. Now, I get to take care of the Estate!

My husband's family is all messed up, my husband and I had/have always been close to his parents and lived near them in the Seattle area forever, and been there for any assistance nessasary. Husband's absent sister lives in San Francisco, and his absent brother is a drifter, an often hard to locate. While my MIL lay dying in hospital with End stage COPD, and Pneumonia, I was doing my best to visit her, notify the sinlings, and fielding their phone calls from them on her status. I had only just lost my own Father to a long standing illness, and my Mom was on Hospice care, living with my eldest sister, and I was doing all I could to help there, old down my job, and raising my kids. MIL'S daughter called, ann RN, called ME, to see if she should come to see her own Mother and if she is close to dying! I said I don't know, but she's your Mom, so get the hell up her, but she didn't, and MIL died the next day. My FIL and Husband and I are noe distraught, and Sil, showed up the very next day, not to help us with funeral arrangements or memorial service, no, she went to my in - laws apartment, pulled every piece of clothing, and MI's personal items out into the livingroom, and placed them into a huge pile on th floor, EVERYTHING! We were doing all the arrangements, with the FIL, and she ruffled through all of her belongings, and had the nerve to say she felt it would be a huge help to us here, if she took what she wanted, and then left the rest for all of us to then distribute to ourselves and our Kids, then to send the rest to the Goodwill. That was the extent of her help in any way shape or form! We were busy getting our house ready for the Wake, making the picture board's, arranging for food, and making the memorial pamphlets with her bio, and pix and prayers, and poems, to have printed up, and SIL was nowhere to be found. BIL, was notified, he showed up, and apparently the two of them hung out together while we took care of everything! We of course were on autopilot, and my own Sweet Mama was bed bound, dying of Cancer at my Sisters, and I barely saw her in those 3 days, it's just sickening! On the day of the funeral, there was a pre planned open casket viewing, and neither of her other two childhood could/would even go in to see her for the last time, which, OK, that is a personal decision, or even be there to greet, and chat with other visitors. We had to do that too. The funeral went ell, we rushed back to our house to make the cofee, , put out the refreshments and food, with help from my siblings, our kid's, and even my husband's ex-wife, her Mother and sister. Yes, we have an excellent relationship thank God! There was ABSOLUTELY ZERO HELP FROM EITHER OF MY HUSBAND'S TWO SIBLINGS from out of state. The event went well, thank God it was July, and we has nice weather, so it could be outside in our back yard, but when everyone else had gone, after so much help from Others, cleaning up and storing away food, finally sitting down for the first time in 3 days, my SIL & BIL, had the gall to ask my FIL, if there was going to be a READING OF THE WILL! WTF, we ha barely slept in 3 days, and they are sitting there waiting to hear if they are going to receive anything from their Mother's estate!? Well no, FIL hadn't even thought of that, as he was her sole beneficiary, and until he passes, then their estate will be distributed. They truly though that they would be receiving big chunks of money and jewelry and such! I nearly fell of my chair. I looked at them and said, Get the F out of my House you Fing in grateful A**h*les! The Sad part is that my MIL, was such a sweetheart, who was always there for her kid's, who had been taken advantage of, so many times by these two, bailing them out financially and she never got any Love or Respect from either of them. Not even in the end or after. They contributed Nothing to the memorial, said no words, or helped their grieving Father in any way, not a meal, not a penny, and both just sat back and watched us do everything. I'll never forget or forgive them for doing this to him, and then in the aftermath, we then, exhausted, had to gather our grieving kids, go to their Grandpa's apartment, to sort out and donate all their Grandmother's personals, to donate what they themselves did not wish to receive. Nobody could even think at this point. SIL explained to her Father, that she thought that this was her way to help, that dumping her diseased Mother's things into the livingroom would help him to get this task done quickly, and would be less painful for him, and to help him to get on with his life. She actually had him convinced it ould, in his grief, sadness and confusion! BIL & SIL left to go back to their respective homes immediately, and I've only seen them 3-5 times since. My FIL immediately moved in to our house and has been living here for 11 years now. My Mom passed away 6 weeks later. I never received a call or card from either of them, not even a thank you for doing all the arrangements for their own Mom's memorial, they had zero compassion that my Mom was dying during this time, or any appreciation what so ever. Their Dad was diagnosed with Mantel Cell Lymphoma, tow months after he moved in with us, a whole nother story, but no phone calls, no checking up on their Dad through 13 months of Chemotherapy, nothing, and NO help ever since. Their Father id failing Healthwise and only in the past 3 or so months have they been calling, like Vultures circling, Gee I wonder why? They will be surprised whe we READ THE WILL, as only minimal monies have been left to them, very minimal. We have now had offers of help and respite fron the brother, but he will never step foot in my home, ever! Nor she! They are garbage to be sent to the dump, just like they did to both there parents. FIL is now 85, and all his legal documents are confirmed, Will, Trust, POA, Living Will, and DNR, and POD for his Life insurance.
His burial and all are prepaid, so we are quite prepared for the aftermath with these two. God, I haven't ever gotten this daid, written or off my chest like this before, thanks for listening! STACEY B

An excellent example of why everyone needs to plan ahead, document, go slowly. The hurry up, pack and cry, pack and cry is a common scenario that takes much time to recover from. It can overshadow the grief of losing a loved one and turn it into a traumatic, stressful, and family dividing issue.
There has got to be a better way. Today, I am going to consider my loved ones by shedding stuff they don't need to deal with after I'm gone.

Mallory - the paperwork reproduces in the closet!
Everybody has their hands out just waiting for funds, now that is nothing but family fun time. At least you don't have to deal with MERP.

Have you opened probate? If so or if not, when you do get extra Letters Testamentary for every family member and with them send a short note (along with the LT) that states what the allowable time frame is for probate is in your state (put in your states administrative code reference on this just to keep the bs down) and that probate and settlement will happen within that timeframe. Put in something about mom in the note - like "we all miss her smile and the deviled eggs she was famous for".

These you send certified with return receipt (the green card) from USPO to every member of the family. Will run abt $ 7.00. Keep the receipt as this is an administrate cost of the estate - & you as executor get reimbursed for these costs (unless you are paying from an estate of account that has $). puts everbody on notice and equal.

Give hubby a big hug & whatever else too, he's a gem to be there and wading though paperwork with you.

I was extremely fortunate that my parents divided their valuables, collectibles over time to us all. They sold and moved from the big house we all grew up in after my Dad retired, as it was too much for them to continue to manage, they then moved to an apartment, so all that was downsized, they bought an RV, and were lucky enough to travel for ten or so year's, then they downsized again to go and live in one of my sisters attached MIL apartments, so we divided more of their thing's, they were declining at this point, but were able to go with each of us (6) kid's on car trips, then my Dad died in hospital of disease related Pneumonia, and my Mom had been diagnosed and was going through Cancer treatment, and at this time she moved into my eldest sisters home. We then cleared out their MIL apartment. It was a lot of moving, but not too bad, but at least the folk's were there to see that it went smoothly and fairly. The after distribution was done by my two brothers, both money guys, and my Mom who died in early September had indicated to them that she wished that we all receive our inheritance for that Christmas, and that's just what they did. All tied up in a nice bow! In the New Year, there was a few thousand dollars from her tax return, which My Mom had wanted for us all to use that money to take a nice little trip together with all our spouses, so we were able to do just that and we took a cruise from Seattle to Los Angeles, then flew home. It was their final thank you to us all for taking such good care of them both to the end. It worked out extremely well for our family. We were close before, and we are even closer now.

I am 92. I have al ready given anything of value to my children. Some things such as furniture etc. were given when I left the house. My eldest daughter is Executor of my Will and I hope the six of them will work together to clear what stuff I have left. So I trust it will not be too difficult for anyone. My sympathy to those who have written of their problems.

Today I decided to use her old towels & linens to pack up breakable items. I have set up row of shelving in my own garage, and putting all the items for estate/garage sale in there. Family can come shop there, the day before general public. Mom's cleaning lady is going to help clean after I get the papers with mom's names/account numbers out of there (mom stuffed bills invoices and Financial statements in just about every room of her 3,600 sf home). I will definitely hire someone to wash windows. Hubby is not afraid of heights so he can do brighter light bulbs everywhere (real estate trick!). Sofa & loveseat was 40 years old... not even Salvation Army would take it, but a neighborhood college student was very glad to get it. I am here again today with a plumber to fix a drain and toilet, and replace kitchen faucet. Tomorrow is a new garage door. YES I am keeping a running tab of my own time. Just wish the Will and Trust actually stated it in neon lights that the Executor would be paid 2x the minimum wage or some such figure. My regular wages is about 4 the minimum wage actually.

Stacy -the typo "sinlings" instead of siblings is just wonderful, roflmao!

Mallory, I can really sympathize with you. My mother was a collector among collectors...a "tidy hoarder" you might say. She has been gone for 7 years, but my father would not give anything in the house to any family member (only ladies from church and other "friends") My father has been in NH only 3 months. I have started on parceling out things, but the amount of 'things' is daunting. Everyone says "put that stuff on ebay".....taking pictures of and listing 400 pieces of porcelain plates and nick nacks could take eons!

In a perfect world, elders would buy a rubbermaid tub for each child or grand child. Write their name on it and take a week and fill it with tools, antiques, albums, momentos, linens, art, pottery, glassware, any thing that is not currently used in daily living, gathers dust or could be of good use and sentiment to others!!!!!

You have been given some great ideas here!! How about you give each sibling an IOU or credit voucher for $2500. They can spend it on items from the house. If they spend more, they can give you the executor the IOU for deduction from their future share. Then they can stop squacking and you will be the hero because they can finally feel like they have gotten something. You can sleep at night because it is fair. I have also heard of instances that if 2 siblings want the same thing, they put their names in the hat and go at it with other games of chance...family poker night, etc.

You are very fortunate, Stacy! Seldom does it work so well. Your parents raised you well!

I haven't been through settling an estate yet but we went through moving dad and shredding papers, estate sale and selling house right after he moved. So I know what a job you are dealing with. I'm sorry your siblings are not helping at all and just have their hands out. My 3 sisters and I each had jobs and none of us lived in dad's home state. So we traveled to do it all. I hope all goes well and you get your just share from all your hard work. Anyone will tell you settling an estate can take lots of months and sometimes years depending. My best wishes towards your efforts.