I have to be at my best & do my best! I love my elderly mom has demetia, diabetes, thyroid, depression, bipolar, and is disabled BUT SHE CAN WALK WITH A WALKER PRETTY FAST. She lives with me & my family. I care for my sister she has recently been diagnosed with cancer, my lil son is autistic w/adhd, & my beautiful daughter has Renal disease & has skin blisterlike cysts all over her head. Im TIRED/WORN out & have chest pains daily. I have no help at all. Im so not in control of anything. I cry daily, my mom is TOO NEEDY AND SELFISH AT TIMES! She tells anyone that I dont feed her, im not ever home, etc... WELL, DUH IM TAKING MY SISTER TO CHEMO ETC..., MY DAUGHTER TO RENAL DRS AT TCH , MY SON TO HIS THERAPIST TO HELP HIM BE LIL SOCIAL, AND I AM VERY ANEMIC. PLEASE ANY SUGGESTIONS ANY SIMILAR STORIES JUST ADVICE! Just listening! I DO MY BEST WITH THEM ALL I MAKE FOOD IN CONTAINERS WHEN IM NOT HOME. I JUST WANT TO RUNAWAY with my babies FOR A WEEKEND! But whatll happen to mom. I have to rest! Her needy aggressive behsvior is driving me to possible heart attack!
Your mother should qualify for nursing home care. If she has no assets, then she can go on Medicaid. While some nursing homes are still horrible, most have improved and in many communities they are excellent. Even if your area doesn't have top quality homes, this is an emergency. You can visit your mom, but your kids and you need to survive, too. Just think how your mother would feel if she really could go back in her mind and understand that her neediness took your life?
Type the name of your state and the word "aging" into your browser. Scan the list of aging services available locally and then start looking for help. You will likely find a connection to your Area Agency on Aging. You also should find your state's version of the National Family Caregiver Support Program. It may have a different name, but each state has a program. They can be very helpful. Look up local human services online or in your phone book to find out if they can help. You absolutely need to get outside intervention here to take care of everyone as well as yourself.
Please keep us posted on how you are doing,
Carol
you have two kids who need you very much to stay healthy - think of yourself for once. Nancy
It's easy for outsiders to see the solution. It's far more difficult when you're standing in the middle of it and can't see a way out. But as everyone has already pointed out, making your life easier isn't a luxury or a self-indulgence, it's a necessity. You're holding this family together. If you go under, so does everyone else.
All of the things you are doing are important. But you don't have to do ALL of them ALL of the time. One example: you want to get away with your children for a short break; but, you ask, what will happen to mother? Honestly? Get some respite care set up and nothing will happen to her - nothing bad, that is. In fact, she'll benefit from both a change of scene (or at least some new faces around her) and a rested, happier daughter.
I'm guessing you'll say your mother wouldn't like it. Mm. Yup, that is the point at which you say "tough." You do not need your mother's permission, let alone her smiling blessing, to arrange for someone else to cover you for a few days. You know that no harm will come to her, you know that you are not abandoning her (or whatever else she silently or explicitly accuses you of), you know she'll be safe. Get it organised, and go.
But if it were just one thing, you could have worked that one out for yourself. The trouble is having so much to deal with that you can't stand still for long enough to figure out how to manage better.
Sit down with a friend, a neighbour, a counsellor - anyone who's happy to help you bounce some ideas around. Think about or mind map or list all of the things that you do, and score them as high, medium or low. Very important: then you underline the ones that ONLY YOU can do. Those are your priorities. Everything else has to fit in around them, or get delegated to some other capable person.
There is only one of you. There are only 24 hours in the day. You cannot be everywhere and do everything, and if you try - long before you eventually collapse - you will end up doing no one any good.
You have to rest. Yes, you do. Time to ask for help.
You have to have help. In-home caregiver or a family member. Someone to shoulder some of the burden you are carrying. Again, this is not a luxury but a necessity.
It's physically impossible to be an effective caregiver to 4 people. You're not doing any of them any favors because you are crumbling under the stress as anyone in your shoes would. Mom may have to go into assisted living. You may have to hire an in-home caregiver for your sister. Is she on social security or Medicaid? A caregiver can take her and from her appointments.
Again, what you're doing is impossible. Maybe you haven't come across that straw that broke the camel's back yet but it's coming. You're going to snap or your health will fall apart. What happens then? Go to any lengths to relieve some of the stress you're under.
And stress is cumulative. When you lay your head down tonight, relieved to have gotten through another day, the stress you've experienced today will still be with you tomorrow. The stress you experience tomorrow will be with you the next day and on and on. If you don't relieve it it will take a toll on you. Your body is already sending you signals. Pay attention to them.
For example #1 Chemo appointments
#2 Renal Drs
#3 Housecleaning
#4 Food shopping
#5 See my Dr
#6 Seek therapy (no your are not mentally ill but you need a nonjudgemental outsidre to help set your prioities.
#7 Arrange a break (at least a week)
There will be many more and when you have finished arrange them in your order of prioity. Life threatening ones come first so move your Drs visit to the top of the list. Only you can do that one. Someone else could manage the chemo and renal Drs. (Would the recipients of these services rather see you continue to do this or attend your funeral) there are often people in the community that volunteer for various organizations that would be prepared to drive for these purposes. If Mom is safe to be left alone she has to be told that she sucks it up or you will arrange residential care.
All of this is very very hard to do in the midst of the panic driven crisis you find yourself in but what else can you do ?Runaway ?commit suicide where would everyone be then.
Is possible to put Mom in a NH (She won't agree but as others have done on her next ER visit refuse to take her home) Yes it's tough but that is what touch love is about doing the best for those you love) You love your sister and want to take care of her during her treatments but is it possible for her to stay with someone else for the duration? getting two out of the house would leave you your own family to take care of and of course yourself. Do you think you can do this? Blessings
You are overwhelmed....your plate is full.....
What you are experiencing is justified..... and rightfully so.
Seek an outlet....give what you are feeling a voice....get it out!
Right here....right now....is a good starting point.
We are here to listen.
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