I'm 25, married and a mother of two. One is six, one is seven. My husband and I have been taking care of his father who is 65 and has lived with us for the past year. We moved him in with us because he was living 6 hrs away and alone, even though he has fathered 6 kids and been married 4 times. He had quintuple bipass 4 yrs ago when he lived with us before. He has also been a type one diabetic who frequently takes too much insulin, causing him to have reactions. I am the only one who takes care of him, out of some unknown guilt. But I am tired of it. He is capable of doing lots on his own- bathing, making himself food, cleaning, etc. BUT he doesn't. He doesn't bathe daily, he has reactions because he is too busy looking up political propaganda on the Internet, and I am left cleaning HIS pubic hair off the toilet in the bathroom that he and my children ONLY use. I want him out of my house. However, none of his other children want to do anything to help and my husband works in the oilfield so he's always working or tired. It has now caused fights between him and I. My father in law has nothing to his name, except a car I refuse to let him drive. This is because he has had reactions while driving, once he ran through an abandoned(thankfully) house and the vehicle is registered to my husband. We could be held legally liable. He lives off of social security which is only $1200. He wasted all his money on stupid crap and still continues too except for the $300 I charge him in rent. My husband and I have started talking divorce. I love my husband very much but this is not what I want out of life. He cannot afford assisted living, does not qualify for a home because he really isn't in horrible health minus his reactions. I hide in my room to "get away," my kids have said resentful things about our situation. I have no privacy to have any intimacy with my husband. Some one tell me what to do. I'm desperate at this point.
Keep us updated - prayers for the move to go smoothly.
Please take some steps to protect yourself and your children. If your husband will chose his father over you and your children, I, personally, don't think the marriage you have is worth it, as he is more bonded to his father than he is to you and your/his children. Perhaps marriage counselling would help him to examine his priorities, However, no one can make those decisions for you, except you.
You said your husband would accept his father being in assisted living nearby. Can that be arranged?
Please let us know how things are going. ((((((((((((hugs))))))))) Joan
It concerns me that you are so accepting of what your husband decrees. Your husband's job is not more important that what is going on in that household!
Please get some counseling for yourself once you move.
I hope it doesn't come to that, but I think some very serious changes need to be made here. You went from a bad situation in your dysfunctional family, to being a mother while still a teenager yourself. Somehow your husband is The Boss rather than an equal partner. He says you have to take care of his father while he is out in the oilfields and you are just supposed to say OK?
Something is seriously wrong with this picture.
Let hubby and FIL move. When he has FIL situated in a nearby Assisted Living, then pack up the kids and go move in with husband.
Or ... how about some marriage counseling, right now? FIL is only one part of this problem.
Some people would not be good candidates for monitoring their own blood sugar levels. Certain kinds of mental illness, retardation, dementia ... anything that would interfere with remembering to do things at a regular time and then act on the results would mean the person needs help managing diabetes.
I would talk about how you might help FIL manage his diabetes, but I don't think you should be doing that because I don't think he should be in your home.
You are going to move? Don't even consider moving FIL with you.
Even if your FIL does not have dementia, whatever he does have (including a toxic personality) is Not Your Fault and you must not put your children at risk for his sake.
The whole situation is completely toxic. And unfortunately we are also about to move 4 hrs away. I'm working with the dr to get him declared with dementia so that I can get him out of my house and in an assisted living center. I've realized that while I have dealt with my childhood issues, my husband has not came anywhere near beginning to handle it. It just sucks because we were so happy before all this. We have been through so much and I would feel like crap to lose everything we have now to his father and this whole situation. His whole family does NOT CARE. I'll let y'all know if it works out. Thank you all for your support. I thought I was out of line in my thinking in this whole situation. It's good to know I'm not alone on my views.
You have two small children, and they come FIRST, not you, not your husband, and certainly not the FIL. Is it beneficial for the kids to be raised in a home filled with supressed anger and unresolved conflicts?
You are in danger, too. Get help for your FIL, then seek counseling. Get those grievances out on the table and get some air. I'm speaking as a woman who was a single mom. If you supress your anger, if you continue with no support, you will put your kids at risk.
Where is his gun now?
I am 67 and insulin dependent. If I give myself the wrong amount of insulin I have reactions. Does this mean I should go live with one of my children for $300 a month?!! I don't think so! Maybe there is something else wrong with your FIL. You know what? It's Not Your Fault. You are not responsible for fixing it or putting up with it.
No amount of talking is going to change this man. I do recommend you and your husband talk to a marriage counselor. It concerns me that your husband does not appear to take his Father's problems seriously enough.
Good luck and God bless! You have to protect those children and take care of yourself first!