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A friend recently visited her parents. Her 92 year old dad has beginning dementia but is unable to drive now and is pretty forgetful. She observed her mother, his caregiver, being continuously critical and mean to her dad. Her dad seemed to be in pain when he stood up from a sitting position. She asked what was wrong. Her dad replied that his adult son, who has always lived at home and is in his 50's, kicked him in the rear end. When she confronted her mom, the mom made excuses for the son and said he didn't kick him that hard. She, and I, are very worried about her dads well being. The mom who has some medical problems, relies heavily on the son for driving, emotional support, etc. my friends brother has some kind of personality disorder and is over 300 lbs. My friend wanted to take her dad for an exam to see how hurt he was but her mom objected. She didn't do it and now greatly regrets it. The mother absolutely will not kick the brother out and between the two of them they seem to be blaming the dad for his dementia. They complain he can no longer do home repairs and say he's pretending that he had forgotten how to get his own lunch. My friend wants to have her dad attend a daily adult day care, but the mom refuses bc it costs money. My friend wanted to take her dad home with her for a week but the mom refused. My friend would even have her dad live with her but again, the mom refuses to acknowledge there is a problem. Plus, the dad himself doesn't want to leave his home and thinks his wife is going to take care of him. It is heartbreaking. My friend does not know how to proceed. Should she report her brother? If he is removed from the home he had no where to go snd her mom would never speak yo her again. She also worries the brother may go back and take it out on the father. She believes her brother is dangerous. The mom says 'she can keep him under control' but I think this situation is a ticking time bomb. Please advise. My friend and her family live in California about 400 miles from each other. She has 2 sisters in other states who have also witnessed the meanest towards her dad from the mom, but no one wants to pull rank in the mom who pretty much rules the roost. If dad is removed from home thru worry he will decline more rapidly and pine away for his wife.

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Reassure your friend. Experienced elder care social workers will understand very well that she is dealing with a very difficult dilemma, and will not give her a hard time over the delay. She should still be clear about what she saw when, with dates and names and places - tell the truth and shame the devil, as they say - because APS need to have the facts straight.
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This is a bad situation that your friend needs to address.

While I was reading what you wrote about the son kicking dad in the behind I thought, "maybe the dad's dementia is making that up" until I read that the mom admitted to it. This likely isn't the first time this son has abused his father and it likely won't be the last.

If your friend needs answers then she should call Adult Protective Services. Your friend can't sit around doing nothing while her dad is being harmed out of fear of offending family members. The dad's wellbeing has to come first. If that means Jr. is sent packing then so be it. The father deserves to be safe in his home.

Although placement in a long term care facility might be more beneficial for the father since his wife sounds like a loon and incapable of caring for him.
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The friend's father's story is heartbreaking. This is cruelty that has developed through the wife's resentment of old age and contempt for its limitations, coupled with her championing of her difficult son which has now crossed from being defensive to become perverse. Poor man.

Wife and son need to be made to look at their own behaviour afresh. If they won't or can't, respectively, the vulnerable elderly gentlemen must be removed from their care. I hope the sisters find the courage and the support to get it done: it's for the best.
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I agree with the others who believe that the mother also is exhibiting signs of dementia. Increasing meanness like this can easily be the result of dementia. So much is wrong with this situation, the authorities really needed to be called in, either by the friend, or maybe by you.
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Just to clarify, the poster is not legally mandated to report elder abuse. As I read one law, only people who care for the victim, full or part time, paid or unpaid, are mandated to report. Empathy is merely a friend of the daughter. Boy, if anyone who saw me snap at my husband could report me for elder abuse, I would insist that APS take him away! I'm kind 49 times, and then I have a momentary hissy fit, and then recover!

I have a smidgen of sympathy for the wife. She is not really fit to be his caregiver. And she's probably 90 or at least 80 herself!

Someone needs to look at their money situation, and FORCE Mom to accept some in-home help, or pay for adult day care for Dad.

It's easy to tell people what to do when we don't have to deal with the emotional fall-out. Ask the other siblings how they would feel if brother knocks Dad down, maybe by accident, and he breaks a hip and dies. Choose which horrible situation you want to face -- a big fight with Mom and Brother, or the premature death or injury to Dad. I'm not sure which I would choose!
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Thanks to all who have offered advice. My friend found an excellent day care for her dad and plans to present the idea to her mom this weekend. She may remove dad from home if no progress is made. I appreciate the understanding of the posters regarding how complicated this situation is. She is also going to arrange for siblings to pressure the mom. I will keep you all apprised of her progress. This is such a wonderful resource and I am very grateful to those who have taken the time to offer advice and support.
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Oh dear. Couldn't have happened to a nicer chap.

I'm sorry for the son's affliction, I'm sorry for his mother's having to face this, and I'm sorry that the family has been forced into a crisis. But if it results in the father being well cared for and the mother being better supported, then I can't be sorry about that. Please update, hope your friend is coping okay.
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Thank you all for the thoughtful responses. I am urging my friend to report this incident. She is afraid she will get in trouble since it happened 2 weeks ago. Her mom has always been in control. I remember when I had to take charge of both my elderly parents. It was so hard to do. I placed my dad in a facility near my home and moved my mom in with me. She's been here 13 years. Fortunately there was no abuse in my parents relationship. It was clear my mom could no longer care for my dad due to his advancing Alzheimers. Now my mom has the same condition. Role reversals are emotionally charged but I keep telling my friend her dads safety comes first. If she doesn't do something soon I will call the police and report the incident. Of course the mom will think her daughter did it so either way, there is going to be a huge family confrontation. But better that than and abused elderly man.
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Llama I agree. But the difficulty will arise when mother and son deny that it happened, as they surely will. I think this is a time for Empathy to support her friend to the hilt in keeping focused on results: namely, getting the family onto APS's radar so that the right changes can be made. Doesn't mean I personally wouldn't like to take the son by the ear and physically remove him from the house for him to see how he likes being kicked "lightly" in the butt; it's just a question of what'll work out best.
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Oh boy. Thanks everyone. My friend is pretty stressed out. At least her sister is flying in tomorrow and dome decisions will be made. Karma. I was thing the same thing. We have been in constant communication. She is doing the best she can under the circumstances. Just want safety for the dad and relief for my dear friend.
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