It's hard. Mostly because I feel like I can't "vent" to him about her because she is his mother. And I resent that his kids (my stepkids) don't offer to help in any way -- and this is THEIR grandmother. I'm in this all alone. I'm trying to find a local support group -- without success. I need help.
Your husband should be able to listen to you vent some of your frustration without getting angry. More importantly, why isn't he helping you? His mother's doctor, a spiritual leader, a social worker - someone - should talk to him about this. This is HIS mother.
Yes, the kids should probably do more, but much depends on their ages. Also, most kids have trouble seeing their grandparent decline. It's hard enough for adults to handle. I'm not saying they shouldn't do anything, but there is a limit to how much they can contribute.
You're right, however, in that you may want to say some things to blow off steam that you wouldn't want to say in front of him. That's where a support group would help. If you can't find one in your community, maybe you could speak to a local social service agency and see if one can be started.
Please do keep commenting online, as well. You'll get a lot of support on this site.
Take care,
Carol
I am in the same boat for the past 3 yrs. Fortunate in that my MIL is a very appreciative lady. My husband does help some with the non personal care stuff. Finally got some help in for personal care and homemaking a few hours a week and that has been very helpful. Her dtr visits about once every 2 months, her son once a year (he's in CA). When she's "in a mess" with her incontinence, or whatever, that is always mine. Is your MIL living with you? Mine did for a year, then went to sr housing around the corner. But I think she will need even more care soon -
My husband does listen to me vent, but I have to be very clear if I want him to help with something related to her care. He just doesn't tend to see the little things that need to be done.
Support groups can be very helpful, especially in seeing possible solutions that you may not have thought of- since they have been doing this too. Best of luck. And - really is important to know your limits, boundaries so you can get help before burnout sets in. For me I was weary of going over for her showers every other morning before work in addition to the other care. Just that little bit of help has made a big difference.
As for my nieces, they have learned to breathe in properly when doing the pampers. Breathe it in wrong, and you gag. Niece accidentally breathed in wrong, and started choking and gasping. I thought it was funny and started chuckling. When she was done, she said that she breathed in too soon. I said, Yeah, I figured. You see, I do that too - hold your breath as long as you can and breath in when you can.
Lolo- I agree that you need to tell your husband what's happening in the home front. Be very matter-of-fact and no hysterics where he feels he's being forced to choose between the two of you and that you're "exaggerating.". We grew up in a very dysfunctional life. My ex boyfriend and my baby sister's husband thought we were exaggerating about our childhood life. When we siblings get together, we always reminisce. BIL thought all these years that his wife was exaggerating and couldn't believe that that was our childhood. So, something as simple as that - and BIL thought she was exaggerating. What more if it's your husband's mother. So, best to be matter-of-fact when updating him. And come here to vent your frustrations, etc....By the way, there are lots of people on this site who are caring for their MIL. Please hop around the different threads and you will see it.
To all of you who have husbands...........you are sooooo blessed. My husband passed away 3 1/2 years ago after a long and extremely painful bout with cancer. I was his caregiver and we fought that disease together. I adored my husband and always will. He was my rock - best guy ever - and he would have been a big help to me now that I moved his parents into our house. (FIL has COPD, 24 hr oxygen, wheelchair, MIL alzheimers and walker. Both are totally incontinent). This is the season in my life where I want to care for Bill's parents. Bill would be appalled at what has happened - but he would be so grateful that I've moved them in. That is enough for me and his memory gives me strength.
Although my motives are strong in caring for my inlaws, I don't want to appear "above the fray." I am currently in the trenches caring for the inlaws and they drive me crazy. But there is no doubt that I want to do this.
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