Is anyone else caring for their spouse's parent?

Hi LoloMojo,
Your husband should be able to listen to you vent some of your frustration without getting angry. More importantly, why isn't he helping you? His mother's doctor, a spiritual leader, a social worker - someone - should talk to him about this. This is HIS mother.

Yes, the kids should probably do more, but much depends on their ages. Also, most kids have trouble seeing their grandparent decline. It's hard enough for adults to handle. I'm not saying they shouldn't do anything, but there is a limit to how much they can contribute.

You're right, however, in that you may want to say some things to blow off steam that you wouldn't want to say in front of him. That's where a support group would help. If you can't find one in your community, maybe you could speak to a local social service agency and see if one can be started.

Please do keep commenting online, as well. You'll get a lot of support on this site.

Take care,
Carol

Hi,
I am in the same boat for the past 3 yrs. Fortunate in that my MIL is a very appreciative lady. My husband does help some with the non personal care stuff. Finally got some help in for personal care and homemaking a few hours a week and that has been very helpful. Her dtr visits about once every 2 months, her son once a year (he's in CA). When she's "in a mess" with her incontinence, or whatever, that is always mine. Is your MIL living with you? Mine did for a year, then went to sr housing around the corner. But I think she will need even more care soon -
My husband does listen to me vent, but I have to be very clear if I want him to help with something related to her care. He just doesn't tend to see the little things that need to be done.
Support groups can be very helpful, especially in seeing possible solutions that you may not have thought of- since they have been doing this too. Best of luck. And - really is important to know your limits, boundaries so you can get help before burnout sets in. For me I was weary of going over for her showers every other morning before work in addition to the other care. Just that little bit of help has made a big difference.

I was driving 2 hours 1 way to do things for my inlaws. I had a rebellious teenager at home and my own life was suffering. I sat my husband down, I got in his face, and talked to him like he was a stranger and a child. I explained how I do love his parents, but his parents are his, and he can't wait forever to accept that they are aging - non too gracefully. The in-laws need their son too. Wow! It was like a light came on in his head! He just didn't realize that he wasn't facing the true reality. I didn't see him most weekends for the next year, but he was there for the parents at a time that was the most important. He is much more understanding now while I'm dealing with my own mother's ALZ.

With regards to the kids not helping, my mom was bedridden. My nieces - in their high school years, would visit us one weekend day. When it was time to change mom's pampers (their grandma), one of them will automatically get up and help me. When I was constantly getting up and down to suction mom's trache throat, my nieces finally asked me to teach them how to do it. And this way, if we're all in the livingroom talking, and mom starts choking from her trache, whoever is the closest gets up to suction her. It no longer was just only me doing it. I guess because I'm so used to my nieces offering themselves (not my having to ask for help), I think any teenagers can help out. If these kids can watch gory movies where heads fly off or monsters eats certain body parts, then they sure can handle helping with caregiving. Plus, I have a box of gloves handy for them to grab and use. So, I think the stepkids can definitely help if they wanted to.

Hey listen, not everyone can deal with poop coming from an adult. I have come to the conclusion, there is NOTHING that can ooze, flow, leak, shoot or gurgle out of ANY adult, that is good. When they're babies, that's a different thing all together. Then everything is fine and 'normal' because everything a baby does is cute, so who cares right? My mother-in-law while she was still living alone, had this terrible diarrhea episode happen. She starts yelling for me to come to the bathroom and help her. So I did of course, but ended up gagging hard enough that I thought I was going to have to clean up TWO things! Seriously, all I could do was throw towels to her through the door of the bathroom. I had to clean the bathroom up afterwards, so there was more gagging involved. My point is, not everyone can handle that kind of stuff, so we need to cut them some slack. I'm stinkin' old, and I NEVER will get used to adult poop issues. So that tells me that some people just don't have the 'gross adult oozing anything' gene installed that allows them to overlook such things. ♥

Aahh...I was one of those adults who couldn't handle adult poop. My father's poop is stinkier than my mom's (before she died). The first time he touched it, smeared it, spread it all over, I froze even before I got to the bed. It smelled so bad, I wanted to walk out and tell my 7 siblings that I quit and it's Their turn to watch the parents. It was just as Gross as I thought it would be.

As for my nieces, they have learned to breathe in properly when doing the pampers. Breathe it in wrong, and you gag. Niece accidentally breathed in wrong, and started choking and gasping. I thought it was funny and started chuckling. When she was done, she said that she breathed in too soon. I said, Yeah, I figured. You see, I do that too - hold your breath as long as you can and breath in when you can.

Lolo- I agree that you need to tell your husband what's happening in the home front. Be very matter-of-fact and no hysterics where he feels he's being forced to choose between the two of you and that you're "exaggerating.". We grew up in a very dysfunctional life. My ex boyfriend and my baby sister's husband thought we were exaggerating about our childhood life. When we siblings get together, we always reminisce. BIL thought all these years that his wife was exaggerating and couldn't believe that that was our childhood. So, something as simple as that - and BIL thought she was exaggerating. What more if it's your husband's mother. So, best to be matter-of-fact when updating him. And come here to vent your frustrations, etc....By the way, there are lots of people on this site who are caring for their MIL. Please hop around the different threads and you will see it.

Your husband is a very lucky guy. Tell him that too.

I would sit my husband down and plug in alot more care from him and his children. Additionally, I would see if the mother in law can attend adult day care during the day to make our days less stressful. If that isn't possible and the MIL has some funds, hire home health aides so you can have time to yourself or work a full time job. There is usually a need for additional funds to cover the caregiving costs.

Good luck.
Elizabeth

I knew from a long way out I would not be able to care for my MIL. My husband is passive when it comes to his mom. Deer in the headlight look overcomes him. He has had to change. I am a very caring person in most cases but not this one. She drives me nuts. We are married 45 years and according to her I am the reason her son doesn't take care of her. She blames me for everything and complains to him about the things I do. ( I have too many lights on in my house, she critiques) Got myself a counselor ($30 a session) and began my fight to not be a caregiver for her. It took 2 years for her to stop trying to make my life her property. It is really hard and you have to overcome guilt. My husband does more and speaks up now with her. He gets angry too because she has no boundaries with trying to take over our lives. She always assumed she would live with us. I have more health problems than she does and I refuse to lose my life because she wants hers. Ugh! Families are so complicated and exhausting when they are dysfunctional. My goal is to keep my health and my marriage in good shape. She (91 yrs old) had her life and made her choices and now I am doing the same. I babysit my 8 grandchildren so that their moms can work and help provide for their families. This is my priority and she is angry that she does not come first. We have her in a wonderful assisted living place that we pay to have her fed and showered and hair done, etc. She is well taken care of and we take her to all her Dr. appts. and handle all her financial issues. We just refuse to be full time nurses or caregivers. The ladies who care for her are trained in what they do and we feel quite confident she is safe and well taken care of. She is still angry we are not doing it personally. Can't win with some people. I am always kind to her but have to constantly say no to her demands that we drop everything to attend to some pretend crisis she has created to get attention. I think some adults just become more child like as they get older. (Please baby me and make me feel secure and loved.) I can love her without giving her a shower or changing her Depends. Of course, that depends on who you ask! Haha!

Hi Lolo - Been caring for my MIL for five years now - 88, still living at home, wheelchair dependent, hearing impaired, with slow but steady cognitive decline incl. sporadic hallucinations. I'm fortunate in that we've always gotten along well and so far she's been good natured and appreciative, but I'm also aware that dementia has a "mind of it's own" so to speak, and the dynamics between us could change at any time...a bridge I'll have to cross when/if we come to it. I'm also fortunate that my husband shares the responsibilities to some extent - helps make sure she's taking her meds, stops in to check on her every morning on his way to work, occasionally fixes breakfast or lunch for her, etc. - but her personal care is still left mostly up to me. I too have done my share of cleaning up various and sundry "bodily excretions" - dh claims a weak stomach and low gag reflex, always has (I can count the number of poopy diapers he changed when our kids were little on one hand!) I also handle paying her bills, keeping track of/ordering her meds, scheduling dr. appointments etc. because I happen to possess the organizational skills (he's a tad attention deficit). He handles stuff like installing grab bars, building a wheelchair ramp, general household repairs and rearranging things to better accommodate her disabilities. We work together getting her in and out of the car, going to doctor appts., and attending to general day to day stuff.
We tend to vent with each other...we both can get frustrated sometimes coping with various aspects of her dementia, but when I grow weary of things like soaking wet Depends he can't really relate. Likewise, I have trouble relating to him when she starts "pushing his buttons"...which she does on a regular basis. Sometimes venting with each other still isn't enough. I won't "dump" on my kids (both in their thirties with families of their own now), friends all live too far away (wouldn't dump on them anyway at the risk of sounding like a broken record and just driving them away), and there's no support groups nearby, which is why I searched for and joined this forum. Wish I'd found it five years ago!!
I agree with much that's been said before me - is your husband aware of exactly ALL that you do for his mom? Does he share any of the responsibility? As Ms. Bursack said, you should be able to feel comfortable venting to him at least once in a while without worrying you'll upset him. I don't think I would have made it this far without my husband's support and understanding.
Hang in there...keep posting. Although forums like this don't necessarily supply the same "instant gratification" that a support group might, the folks here understand exactly what you're going through and we're here for you!

We took my mother-in-law in for the last year of her life as she was dying. She died almost 5 years ago and he and I still cry about it. My father in law was battling cancer so we were caring for him too (he is now cancer free for 5 years!!!!) and this was stressful to my husband because he feared he was about to lose both parents. My MIL had certain insecurities that made her worry no one would love her and she was bossy. I still loved her. She gave me my wonderful husband. He and I shared the load. He has 3 brothers and 3 sisters in law and there were grandkids other than our children but no one to be found when help for her was needed. She was bedridden and came with bedsores that needed to be treated and could do nothing for herself. My heart bled for her. She had always been a strong person who loved her family. She loved it when I crawled into bed beside her and just held her and stroked her hair. Her skin got dry and paper thin and I surprised her with the sweetest smelling vanilla lotion and applied it daily and massaged her to promote better circulation. I miss her so much. It's hard not to be able to chat with her at length and go shopping or decorating for the holidays. You should feel free to vent to him and insist he do things for his mom. Stepkids too need to do some things. If not for her, then around the house to free you from other things.

I care for my ex husband's mother. Very long story, but I agree that it is hard to be able to 'vent' about her because it's his mom. But he was mistreated by her while growing up and he vents a lot to me about how she acts now. I have to try to help him. And sometimes when I just can't take any more and I vent to him, he is supportive, but usually he just gets mad at me for voicing my stress.

Is there an Alz. Assn. in your area? Also Senior Source or a senior agency in your city? Someone mentioned adult daycare. This would be very helpful to you. I know it is hard on you and I am sure it is hard of your husband though he is not doing the actual caregiving. Perhaps a family discussion would be in order.

hi! Lolo
I am from Bangalore,India and am not sure whether the perception changes due to cultural differences. I had brought my mother who is 90 and was away in a different city till recently. Diabetic, fully deaf and has difficulty to move around. My wife who is nearing 60 was very supportive in handling the situation. We realised that due to aging , the mind and attitute also grows that of a child.The behaviour was similar to a 2 year old with constant complaining and need to feed very often ( diabetic). She had become very helpless and was dependent on outside support for any activity.My wife was supportive and we both handled the issue together despite all the other irritations.

Hi Srini161! I'm sure there are cultural differences. You and your wife sound quite wise and compassionate. I'm sort of joking when I say that I suspect your wife might tell a different story. Honestly, most of the work usually falls onto the woman. But you sound like you appreciate your wife, and that's going to make everyone happier.

Hi Lolomojo, I did try caring for my 92 yr old MIL, and my husband (her son) helped some also. But he went off to work for 12hrs, so wasn't there for the battles we had while he was working. I would tell him about them but he looked at me like, your making this up?! We also have a rebellious teenage son , who at 14 thinks he knows everything about anything!! This I also deal with 24/7! My husbands only sibling, my SIL ( in name only), can't be bothered to lift a finger for her mother! When she said she did, she ALWAYS had something happen for instance "I hurt my back" or "I got pneumonia cleaning the bathroom"??!! OH BROTHER!! Then.... she would take and write herself a check! She would do nothing unless she was getting money, no "because your my mom" help whatsoever! Plus the fact I had to reclean and redo what she said she did! She did this till her moms funds were nearly depleated! Pathetic excuse for a daughter,... I think!! Anyway I thought that if we had some help come in 3 times a week to help bath, toilet and help w/ small chores I could do this...well I was wrong. I am old too...I have some disabilities as well so it is hard for me some days. I wanted to please my husband but this was just to big a burden, for me being the one who was with her the most of the time. My husband did finally see her in action, on a tirade because she did not want to bathe. My own mother recently passed so I was in mourning for her still when this came out of my MIL's mouth, ( she is in the latter stages of dementia) "I feel sorry for your mother for having a daughter like you"!!! I had to walk out as I was overcome and in tears. I know she has dementia but it hurt as deeply as it would have being said by anyone else. All this happened when I tried to get her clothes off to shower,( yes we had all the nessesities needed), and she had an iron grip on my arm too! Her son was standing by the door and heard it all...! It was then and there we knew that she needed more care than we were able to give her, even w/in home caregivers. So, Yes, we did try to do it orselves but sometimes it IS to much for some of us to do. She is now in a care facility and my husband goes in to help 3 times a week to do her laundry and care for some other needs. He even does her feet,...clipping her toenails and such. He is a very good son, but it still comes at a price,../ his own families exspence! We not only take reponsibility for our finances,... but all my MIL's too, all of them. SIL does not help there either??? So you tell your husband what you need him to do, otherwise you will resent him, your MIL and all those who won't help...! I hope you find help soon. I don't know where you are at but we contacted a company called ( Home Attendant Care) here in Wa. State. They were very good and had a lot of useful info for you to work from as well as caregivers who really care and know how to do what is needed. Good luck and Godbless you in you endever.

Reading all the post helps....we are not alone I've been helping my MIL for the past 14 years.....she'll be 97 in a few days. She lives across the street from us. She lived with us one summer after my FIL died and than purchased the house across the street from us when it went up for sale(has its pluses and minuses for sure).....my MIL and FIL moved to Florida shortly after we were married and only came back north in the summers for 23 years so I never got to know them really well. It started out reasonably well but has gotten crazy especially the last 4 years or so when she could no longer drive. She is and always was a very independent person and very strong willed.....I definitely needed to set up some boundaries for my sanity....talking with a psychologist helped me see this was necessary and helped me also not feel so guilty. At the time she came to live with us we had a child in college, one in H.S. and one in middle school..... at times didn't know which way to turn. One thing I kind of regret at times is I gave up my job(was in the health care field) to help MIL and my own Mom and Dad...fortunately my husband has a good career going but he probably won't retire until he is 70+....fortunately he loves his work. I hope at times that we'll have some good retirement years before our health starts to fail us or we just plain die. My husband is an only child and kept telling everyone how independent his Mom was....... he didn't want to see the more recent truth and I was getting increasingly resentful. It came to a head last year when my own Mom with Alzheimers(in Assisted Living) ended up in rehab center and I went out of town to help my siblings with our Mom for 2 weeks. I also knew it was time my husband got the full picture of what was going on with his Mom. My MIL was furious with me for leaving for such a long period of time(usually see my own Mom for 4 days every 2 to 3 months... I live 6 hours away) and my husband got a rude awakening while I was gone. When I got back we both agreed time to get some outside help in for his Mom. We lined up help 4 hours a day, 3 days a week with an agency, I would like to see more time( she deals with depression but won't stay on her antidepressants) but happy she agreed to this.....she hates to spend her money when she has us! She tells us and anyone who will listen it is the children's responsibility to take care of their elders....I definitely believe in being involved but need to maintain a balance. My husband and I also had some heart to heart talks on how all this was affecting our relationship. It helped clear the air. Things are going pretty good right now. She really likes her aide who takes her grocery shopping and makes her dinner 3 times a week with leftovers for lunch and/or other dinners the following day. Her aide also does some light housework(we have a cleaning lady lined up who will come in when Mom wants more housecleaning done) and her aide visits and plays cards with her. My husband over sees his Mom paying the bills that are not done through the bank and necessay repairs etc.around her house. I do MD visits, some meals at our house, other shopping...like out for shoes tomorrow, getting her out for social interaction such as lunch.....my MIL wants nothing to do with Senior Citizen Center...we have a very active one where we live....she says she is to old to make friends:-( The aide is through an agency that has a geriatric social worker I can talk to when have questions.....that has been very helpful. Our two daughters live out of the area but call their Nana frequently to chat and come to visit when they can, our son lives in the area and checks in on Nana when my husband and I leave for a getaway(he also pops in to visit her and helps his Dad with work on her house and ours too:-), we also have wonderful neighbors that help keep an eye on her too. She hated when we both were away at the same time.....she seemed to forget thats what couples do, go away together:-) but more comfortable with it since she has her aide now and with our son now living near by after finishing his education. I'm afraid at times what the future holds in store....try not to worry but can't help myself:-( She wants to live in her home until she dies. I'm not getting any younger..now in my 60s. Not sure I'm up for the much harder physical work that could lie ahead.....did it with my Dad( cleaning up poopy accidents, straining to help him ambulate with a walker as the cancer attacked his spine), with my FIL(changing depends, giving him liquids through a feeding tube....cancer took him too.... now slowly losing my own Mom to Alzheimers....me and my siblings in the process of making arrangements to move our Mom from AL to a Memory Care Unit due to her advancing disease. What I've learned is the the saying "it takes a village to raise a child" applies to the elderly too, but rather than raise sub help. Much to hard, at least for me to go it alone.... looking and accepting all the help I can get.

Thank you all for all the responses. I'm glad I'm not alone. And I'm glad we ALL have a place to "vent." I have resumed journaling, which is helping. I can say whatever I want to a blank screen. I kept such a journal when my husband and I were trying to adopt 12 or so years ago and turned it into a book... Maybe this will be another one.... It's hard. I'm snippy. He is snippy. My daughter is snippy because she lives with snippy parents. ... We don't get to do things as a family of 3 anymore. We have to go in pairs. My daughter -- SHE IS TWELVE -- has been great. She loves to stay home and have the TV and computer to herself, so she will let hubby and me go get a sandwich or a quick meal someplace. But one of us has to stay close by always.... Maybe once school is out and he's home more it'll get better.

My MIL , who has had a stroke and is permanently in a wheelchair and can hardly speak, moved in with us 4 months ago. BIL who was taking care of her went to jail. We got the phone call in the middle of the night to come pick her up (in another state). She was severely neglected. My FIL was in the hospital. He has since passed 3 months ago. So, what to do with mom. 1 sibling in jail, the other doesn't care. Well, we care, however, We were NOT PREPARED NOR DID WE WANT TO start taking care of her. We had 1 days notice. Nursing home? She was in several of those when she had her stroke, and they were horrible! Assisted living is for the rich, she gets a minimal SSI and pension. So, my husband has had to dip into his 401K and, we have started to remodel our home. We're adding an addition on with a handicapp bathroom. Do I want to do this - no. Do I feel like I have to do this - yes. She is a sweet lady, but I did my time raising babies. I feel like I'm taking care of a toddler once again. My kids are on their way out of the house, and I feel like I have to start over again. I work full time and so does my husband. She can get around fine in her wheelchair and my daughter is home with her during the day, but for right now,my husband has to carry her up and down the stairs to take her to appts, therapy, etc, since we don't have a room for her downstairs. Since she was so poorly taken care of, we have been getting everything done for her that was neglected, i.e., appts., glasses, new wheelchair, clothing, etc., etc. I prepare her meals and shower her. Some days I tell myself, this is the way it's going to be - it won't be so bad. Other days, like today, I say, I don't want to do this. I think I should look into getting some help to shower her, as it's just too much for me sometimes. It seems that the posts that I read are taking care of their parents/inlaws who are in their 80's and 90's. My MIL is 68, and I'm 49. I don't look forward to that. Sometimes I think a nursing home would be better for her, but I just revert back to the one's that I've seen, and I can't do it to her.

Yes. You and I are in the same boat. Thankfully our house is one-story and we only had to do a little remodel. BUT. the rest. Feeding her, washing her, dressing her, helping her to the toilet, and yes. Wiping her butt. I never dreamed ..... It is like having a child again. Mine isn't sweet though. She's ornery. And demanding. And sometimes mean. And my 12 yo daughter is suffering for it. So am I. My mother (who is 80 and still works, BTW!!!) says I am completely changed. Now I'm mean and short-tempered. Impatient. I am not a nurse. I didnt' go into nursing for a reason, you know. This is hard. Very. Hard.

If MIL is in a low income bracket, there may be help for not too much money through the "Elder Services" type organization in your area. Finally this year my MIL dropped into that bracket and she is able to receive 3 hrs personal care a week and 3 hrs homemaking a week for a flat rate of about 65/month. Not sure how it works where you are, here each town has a Council on Aging and they could direct you to the right place. My heart feels for you...I know well those days of feeling like you just can't do it. My MIL came to us at age 75 anticipating a short term stay here to recover from surgery - nobody else able to take her - and 3 years later her care needs increase. She is in sr housing around the corner, after spending the first year in our house (I remember the all nighters getting a space ready for her :) but she needs a good amt of help from us and cg noted above help too. She's healthy in most ways but just devastated with arthritis (RA and OA) and the realization that we could be in this role for many years takes my breath away at times. I am 42 and have an 18 and 14 yr old, and work 30 hrs a week as a home care physical therapist. Please keep using this forum to vent and to look for suggestions! We are right there with you!

I appreciate that this question was directed at caring specifically for inlaws. There really is a difference between a mom and a MIL. My relationship with my own mother has always been more relaxed and/or comfortable (even though she is bipolar and we can "really get into it). She's still my mom and it's different. With my MIL, - who was very cranky and always demanded lots of respect - I was a bit wary and cautious. It's not that way now- she's like a child but my comfort level with her will never be the same as what it is with my own mother.
To all of you who have husbands...........you are sooooo blessed. My husband passed away 3 1/2 years ago after a long and extremely painful bout with cancer. I was his caregiver and we fought that disease together. I adored my husband and always will. He was my rock - best guy ever - and he would have been a big help to me now that I moved his parents into our house. (FIL has COPD, 24 hr oxygen, wheelchair, MIL alzheimers and walker. Both are totally incontinent). This is the season in my life where I want to care for Bill's parents. Bill would be appalled at what has happened - but he would be so grateful that I've moved them in. That is enough for me and his memory gives me strength.
Although my motives are strong in caring for my inlaws, I don't want to appear "above the fray." I am currently in the trenches caring for the inlaws and they drive me crazy. But there is no doubt that I want to do this.