Caring for VERY depressed mother, history of alcoholism and extreme dysfunctional relationships, and now dementia. Advice?
Hello everyone! I found this forum yesterday and I'm glad to be here, it is nice to see that I'm not alone in this.
I am 49 and I live with my husband and nine year old son. My mom is 86 and living alone in an apartment nearby. Both my parents were alcoholics, my dad died from alcoholism in 1984 when I was 19. My mom quit drinking a year later (for which I give her tremendous credit!) but she has been severely depressed her entire life. My parents had a horrible relationship and my childhood was filled with screaming, fights, and suicide threats. Mom attempted suicide when I was 13, and has threatened it many, many times ever since.
My mom is very passive aggressive and demands lots of attention. She has the emotional maturity level of a four year old. Her parents were cold and uncaring, and she has never gotten over this, nor has she even tried (despite years of counseling). She put me in the parental role very early in my life, and it remains this way today. She even calls me "mommy" at times.
Mom cannot maintain a relationship with anyone, she's totally closed off. She will make a new friend, and within three weeks she finds a flaw with that person and ends the relationship. In the case where she doesn't end the friendship, her selfish demeanor turns the person off and it ends anyway. Then she turns back to me and tells me how lonely she is and how she wants to die. She makes this kind of comment in front of my nine year old.
Mom is in good physical health but recently she has developed dementia. We hired a caregiver for her, someone to come to her house twice per week to help with tasks and keep her company. As usual, after about three weeks mom was tired of having this person come in and asked us to cancel the service. The very next day, she again called me to say how lonely and depressed she was, and asked to come over. When she comes over here, she only talks about her depressing childhood. Often she will bring photos. She typically doesn't even ask about anyone else, including her grandson, my nine year old.
When mom comes in the house, her negativity is like an enormous, smothering black cloud. I count my heartbeats until she leaves. After she leaves, I feel tremendous guilt and sadness. There is nothing I can do to improve her mood, yet the childish part of me still hopes somehow I can do something. It is up to her to find a shred of happiness, but she refuses, and now that she is getting dementia, I fear she can never have that "aha" moment. This leaves me so terribly sad and if affects my family too.
Mom is on Paxil and Klonopin, and just got Buspar too (after insisting to the doctor that she is STILL depressed/anxious). She can't keep these medicines straight and often takes too many or just lets them run out over the weekend when she can't get a refill quickly. Then she makes one of her crazy visits or phone calls to my house.
I quite literally cannot stand her anymore. I'm engulfed with guilt and sadness but I can't stand the sight of her or bear the sound of her voice. She won't let us do anything for her (hire help). Yet she insists on continuing to vomit negativity over us all. Ironically, despite the suicide threats and spoken desire to die, she still asserts that she wants to live to be 100, and she is careful about what she buys in the grocery store, making sure the ingredients are healthy.
She is a walking conundrum and I am a mess. Advice? Thanks so much if you've read this far! I'm glad to have found this forum.
Luckily my husband has been very helpful, and we've agreed I can no longer visit her on my own, the dysfunction and emotional vampirism is too painful. Mom has stated she doesn't want anyone to come into her home and help her, but I really think she needs it. The dementia is progressing quickly and she falls sometimes in her apartment. I suppose we can't force her? At what point can we make the command decision that she needs help or needs to move to a facility?
We can not heal these unfortunate people. It is beyond our capabilities. You have to distance yourself emotionally and possibly physically in order to survive. She, like my mother, is damaged. Nothing we can do except to look out for ourselves because we have never had the mothers we needed. I am glad you asked for advice. I am sure you will get a lot.
She is so needy now... and with the dementia, she is living quite a bit of the time in 1935... I think her dearest desire would be to go back and be re-mothered, by a loving mother. I predict it is only a short time until she starts actually calling me "mommy" and really meaning it... it will be the dementia talking, but I will be so utterly repulsed. She has asked me to mother her in various ways since I was a child, including laying her head in my lap when I was 12 and asking me to stroke her hair while she cried. Ugh, I'm so done, but it's going to get worse, I know it.
I've seen dementia progress very rapidly with people having alcoholism. My friend's mother's has dementia and now forgets she even drank alcohol. The self medication your mother did kept her from dealing with the pain of her childhood. Once she stopped drinking, she had to deal with the memories. Many people bury their anger which turns into depression. She too kept firing the aide which lead her next into an assisted living/ then memory care. Her hygeine was astrocious. If she can not take her medication properly some intervention needs to be done. It seems like she needs a new evaluation/ meds if others are not working. You also need to set your boundaries on what you will allow/won't allow in front of your son which is a healthy move......
I am, believe it or not, quite a happy person. I have great friendships, a loving husband and the best son a woman could ask for, he's smart, funny, intuitive and so loving. He takes all of this in stride, but he's seen her at her worst unfortunately (including a recent dramatic "I want to kill myself" scene in our living room). I really don't want to have her over here anymore, and have my son see her act like that. She just stops by randomly when she feels the most needy. She definitely shouldn't be driving anymore, so I need to figure out how to get her to stop...
For one reason or another, almost all of us over at Dys. Fams. have had to deal with a parent very similar to what you describe. Some almost exactly, so you will find kindred spirits.
It seems like everyone has to do two things: deal with the rational facts of planning mom's care into the future and who is doing what, arranging paperwork, doctors, medicine, and finances. Second is deal with the emotional baggage which is a much bigger job, so you come out the other side of this as intact as possible.
I had to have a boundary that my mom will absolutely not live with us. Nearly a month of it proved that point more than enough. Never again.
I decided to move my mom to the state I live in, not her home state, as there is noone else in the family to take care of her. I decided against putting her in a regular apartment so that she'd already be in a place equipped to deal with seniors, their medical problems, and dementia. When a change has happened is no time to be out looking for a new place to go. My goal for her there is safety. That's it. Not happiness, not joining activities, not making friends, not taking field trips. Just being safe from herself and bad people in the world.
Now that I am grown, she does not get to treat me like she did when I was a child under her thumb. Let me strongly encourage the healing power of therapy. Even a little can go a long way. She tries to push my buttons, and sometimes it happens, but I have the power now. She can't bully me and prevent me from getting away. I will come & go from her place as I wish, and if she's ugly to me, I go.
Mom does not come into my home. I was sad about her missing the holidays, the tree, the food, the family times, but I had to remember she never liked any of that anyway. The price we'd pay for bringing her over was way too high. So, I let that go and Grandma does not come visit. Nobody is crying any tears over it.
The way you can get her to stop driving is to talk to her doctor. Report her as an unsafe driver to the DMV and police department. My mom's new doctor helped out on her first visit with him, without me having to do anything other than request a handicap parking tag for my car, when we drive her around, so she wouldn't have to anymore (HINT HINT). He checked a box on the form that said she wasn't capable of operating a motor vehicle. He's brilliant. Other doctors might need a bigger clue. It's best when it comes from the doctor and not you. Nobody's parent (well I supposed there could be somebody out there who is the exception), but generally nobody's parent reacts with "Yipee! I've so been looking forward to the day I can stop driving and stay in!", so just expect a reaction and be prepared to weather it.
Best of luck to you and please keep dropping in to keep us posted! We're all stronger together.
I'd love to move her somewhere similar to what you mentioned, before this gets any worse. I have no idea where to even start looking. Assisted Living facilities seem to cost $4,000 per month so that's out. What types of facilities can we look at, besides a nursing home? She has some money invested and lives from the interest (and Social Security), so would they drain that money? How does it work? Thanks in advance for any advice, and just thanks for your supportive words.
Perhaps it's possible to get power of attorney (?with elder care lawyer) and the ability to move your mother where it would be helpful for her. If you could have the caregiver for her as you'd tried, (who could keep working despite your mother's reactions), that would be good for you all. You then would have more control over medications and her safety.
Have you tried the local/state/national organizations for Alzheimers/Dementia, state level government agencies like the Area Agencies on Aging, or state agencies for the elderly? Plus on the national level, they have search engines/websites that could point you to any available programs/help. Don't get too hopeful--I've found programs that might be described are not always available, but you can try!
Don't get overloaded with all this; just take it step by step as you are able.
Today I took my dog for a walk for 15 minutes, and returned home to five phone messages, each increasingly desperate for me to call her back. "PLEEEEEEASE pick up the phone..." kinda thing. I called back, and she said "I just needed to hear your voice, you're my angel, I'm so depressed, you make me feel better." Ew, I'm so tired of having the job of making her feel better. I can't even argue with her anymore, she's far beyond "getting it" at this point. Her selfishness is overwhelming. How does one begin to heal when the source of pain is increasing geometrically on a daily basis???
I do feel that my mom has a personality disorder, and I have purchased several books on the topic in my search to figure it out, but I've never been able to fully put her into any specific category. I suppose not everyone fits the mold exactly. But what I have learned is that personality-disordered people exhibit two main qualities: 1. the total lack of real empathy, even when their actions are disguised as "loving," and 2. the continued use of the same ineffective and maladaptive coping mechanisms, and the inability to tailor their reactions to different situations. In mom's case, check and check. *sigh*
You have gotten such good advice that I don't know if I can add much more without just repeating everyone. My mother is seriously borderline with dementia and depends on me completely for just about everything. The way that I save myself is to keep myself totally separate emotionally. I know I can't fix her, so I don't even try. I just make sure she is safe and has good food. I do wish I could have a mother who is a good friend, but I know that isn't going to happen. She left her children emotionally when we were young. She cooked dinner, but we were pretty much left to fend for ourselves as she grappled with her "nerves."
I am so glad that she has not cast me in the Mommy role. That would drive me crazy. I don't know how you deal with that. I think a therapist would be good in learning how to turn that around so your mother quits doing it to you. Dependency is one thing, but making you into her parent is too much.
One thing that helps me when I'm feeling ashamed or guilty because I'm not being a better daughter is to remind myself that it is not me, it is her. I first heard these comforting words from an aunt who passed away. She told her daughter to tell me that it wasn't me, it was my mother. She had always been difficult. Hearing that from someone else helped me so much. It was like my feelings had finally been validated by someone who wasn't being paid.
IMO, borderline PD is harder to deal with than complete narcissism. Totally narcissistic people are going to be that way, so you know you're dealing with someone that sees only themselves. Borderline people are also narcissistic, but their personality wavers from narcissism to sweetness. It can be totally crazy making. I have a feeling you are going through many of the same things I've gone through for 4 years, only yours sounds worse. There are other people here dealing with narcissistic and borderline parents, so you are in good company.
I have tried to classify my mom but can't. She's not really borderline, not really narcissistic... probably more histrionic (dramatic), but also passive aggressive, very VERY depressed and also hugely manipulative. I'm not sure how that all fits together, but she does have those two qualities (lack of real empathy, and unchanging, maladaptive coping behaviors). Together with dementia, it's getting really ugly.
I know the coming months won't be great. I will be hanging around here for sure, as I try to cope and heal. I want to thank every one of you who replied to me today, these words have helped me so very much. I feel supported and validated for the first time maybe ever. I will be able to face this more bravely now.
When it becomes necessary for mom to move to a facility she will have to spend down her principal to self pay. When that is nearly gone a Medicaid application needs to be prepared. Look for a good elder law attorney to help you with all of this. The website AVVO will allow you to ask attorneys in your area questions, and receive responses at no charge. The site also include client and peer reviews. I found it very helpful in my situation.
Good Luck you are dealing with a lot, that many of us have also gone through. This is a great site for learning and support!
Like someone said, we will never be friends. She's either furious with me or wants something. It will never change. I try to be very business like with her, just to protect myself from harm.
I spent a long time freaking out about where to even begin on this planning, and I'm a professional project manager by trade! So many unknowns!
Get a big plastic file box at the office store, a giant box of folders, and lots of posty notes. You're going to need it. This is where the research and plan is born. I had a binder, which looked sad and pitiful by the time I was done collecting paperwork, titles, deeds, bills, wills, directives, policies, and the like. Be very organized because it pays. Every single thing there is about mom and her affairs is in that box.
Get your hands on every piece of important paper you can and file it. Make placeholders for stuff you don't have yet, so you can fill in the gaps as you go.
Since my mom was totally the passive victim and refused to help plan her future, I had to come up with different options on my own. One plan was to hogtie her, hit her with a hippo sedative, throw her and a brown paper bag of underwear in the car and floor it for 3 days straight to get back here. Another plan involved a state to state moving company, a trash removal guy, boxes, bubble wrap, tape, and time. I was prepared to go in either direction. Some days I wish I'd gone with hippo sedative and brown paper bag. I never considered in-home care for her because she's quite racist, very paranoid, and those people don't deserve what they would have to put up with from my mother. I also didn't opt to put her into assisted living where she was for all the same reasons. There were too many unknowns for my comfort level. I wanted to see the place in person.
Your money does NOT come into play here, whether it's an assisted living place or in-home care. Your mom's finances are all that count. Get durable power of attorney so the bank (and everybody else) will work with you. Prices for senior housing and in-home care vary wildly depending on where you live. Go tour some places nearby. Call around to interview home-health agencies. You have choices. Contact your state's agency on aging to get resources. Take your time to find your choices, so you can evaluate them.
Then be ready to actually execute the plan. I see a lot of people on here who have a decent plan but are stuck at the point of actually doing any of it. Especially if they have other family second guessing & undermining them. Denial is not just a river in Egypt, as they say. I am not one to wait around for a problem to go gangrene before dealing with it. Other people will.
Do the thing that will let you be content with yourself. Not what you think others expect to see, or what that imaginary mom voice says. Do what you can. Don't over commit yourself. Preserve your mom-free safe space at your own home and don't forget to decompress every single day. It's harder to do than it sounds.
The result for me was that I no longer wanted to be around my father under any circumstances. I had been manipulated and used and even though I had allowed it to happen, I still thought it was my responsibility to try to protect him from financial disaster because that's simply what you do for an aging parent who is being exploited. So I gave myself a week to get my feet back under me and then went to see my father. I very calmly but firmly explained that I was going to have to distance myself from him for my own well being and would not be available any longer to drive him, bring him things, advocate for him, etc. I told him I felt that under the circumstances it would be best that he not call me with requests but rather start depending on my brother. I was not verbally abusive but completely honest and felt that having that conversation with him instead of just not responding to him any longer was like giving myself permission to detach and move myself away from some very unhealthy dynamics. He wrote me out of his will, revoked my secondary POA and HCPOA and even began to lend money to my brother in addition to what my brother was helping himself to. He refused to listen to his attorney.
Today, I am much healthier emotionally after disconnecting and I will always know that despite what he may choose to say about me to anyone who will listen, I did the right thing and was honest with him about why I simply had to stay away. There are times when we have no choice to draw some very clear boundaries without allowing ourselves to feel guilty or uncaring.
So, all this talking, thinking, typing, and research into personality disorders is bringing out some memories. Mom has never had empathy for another person or even for animals. I am reminded of how she has treated some of the animals we had as I was growing up. She would get a dog, and not having a clue how to deal with one, relegate that dog to outdoors, forever. We had a sweet little pug who lived outside until she drowned in the pool one night when she was quite old. She came home one day with a St. Bernard puppy that she had no idea how to care for, and she too lived outside unattended, rain or shine. Cats came and went from our home, they were indoor/outdoor so never required a litter box. A few years ago, my husband and I had taken in a stray small dog and nursed him back to health. Mom came for a visit and said she'd like to take him (to cure her loneliness), and we stupidly agreed. I don't know why I thought she suddenly had a clue about how to care for a dog... she convinced me she could. She took him home a few days later on the plane. The very next day, I called to see how her trip was and how the dog was doing. She explained, calmly like it was no big deal, that she felt he was "not a good dog" and was too much to deal with, so she took him to the vet that morning and had him put to sleep. I didn't speak to her for three weeks, funny how you can somehow heal from these awful things and continue the sick relationship.
When I had my son a few years later, she came to visit and "help out" for two weeks. She acted like a bigger baby than my newborn, was envious because she was convinced that I preferred my inlaws to her, and she threatened to go home. I told her she should at that point. She stayed... but continued to make me baby her as well as my son, telling her that yes I loved and needed her. She did nothing to help me.
Yep, some nice memories are surfacing! Whoo, boy. I won't be visiting her anymore without my husband present. Hopefully between the two of us, we can convince her that these legal documents are there for everyone's benefit, including (and especially) my brother, who has almost zero to do with her but definitely would like to have half her money someday.
This was quite a rant, thanks for reading it, and again, thanks so much for this support, my healing is beginning in earnest. It's going to be painful at times, but forward it shall go.
And all of my poor pets were outdoors, no vet care and barely enough food. Terrible.
You will be very angry for a long time. Talk, read and research the problems narcissistic ( and I am sure your mother is) people cause their relatives. I fought with mom for a few years, nothing changed. I read tons of books and things began to change. I put up boundaries and that has really helped. Time has taught me to let go of something I never had. I truly don't care as much any longer and will not miss her when she is gone.
There are several things you CAN do. Tell mom, she needs to have help because you can't help her ALL the time. You can remind her that the help is not coming 7 days a week because she does not like it, but at least whatever you decide, she needs it. This is balancing between her resistance and your need for respite from the situation. It might be 2 days let's say 2 hours now and you might have to increase it, that is why I am saying 'whatever you decide'. If you are providing care, you should be able to choose how much you do it yourself and how much you hire help to get some relief. So you have some control over the situation.
It would be very difficult for Mom to change due to many factors. Expecting her to change is only going to be frustrating for you. Try to shift the focus on you. No matter what, Mom can not dampen your spirits. prepare yourself emotionally so you come in with your 'shield'. Remind yourself you are taking care of your mom who needs your help. You are choosing to help, even though it is not easy. You have a supportive husband. Choose what works for you, to calm yourself - like yoga, walk, meditate to get emotionally stronger. counseling is definitely a good idea.
Setting boundaries is challenging but it can be done. start slowly, with time outs when you can jump when Mom wants you to. Be firm and compassionate when you talk to her afterwards. Try to remind mom that you need your 'time' and live your life. You do not have get into explanations. If mom has dementia, you need to put some things in place, including her medications. If she does not take her meds right, too much or too little would make things worse. Any way a neighbor or village nurse can monitor it daily, at least do not leave too much with her.
Emotions can make things more challenging, at the same time if we did not care, we would not do all the things we do. When emotions start hurting you, you need to channel it in the right direction and ground yourself, take time out until you are balanced. I know all of this may sound too much, take only one step at a time. You will see how things shift, it is very powerful when you are able to understand, let go, forgive. Hope this helps.
Daxa